After decades of a happy marriage (learning the hard knocks way) and coaching couples for almost as long, I’ve learned that every couple needs a few indispensable relationship skills. If you master them, they set the foundation for a healthy and happy relationship. Drop one of these skills, and all the rest will be affected.
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For instance, if you have a healthy sense of independence but can’t resolve conflicts as a couple, you’ll be stuck. You’ll find your relationship caught in the grips of Groundhog Day, repeating the same arguments and struggling with the same issues over and over. And this anger and strife will sour love just like heat curdles milk.
Creating a healthy, lasting relationship requires more than just love and good intentions. It demands conscious and continual heart-felt effort.
Building something great also requires dedication. Just like the foundation of a house, the development of specific skills lays down a foundation for relationship success. They help couples interact with ease and build resilience for the daily ups and downs.
A mistake many couples often make is to think that their love will carry them regardless of how they treat each other.
However, behaviors such as unkind words, yelling, blaming, demanding, name-calling, accusing, saying one thing and doing another, giving your partner the silent treatment, etc., have an accumulative effect that acts as a withdrawal in the love bank account.
They are the piranha-eating creatures of every relationship.
What you think, say, feel, and do everyday matters. Either you’re in a stalemate, making withdrawals, or depositing love and trustworthiness.
You must choose love and each other every day! Love AND loving are choices.
Below are the five crucial relationship skills that I have seen missing with a lot of couples I work with. And research and experts consistently identify these skills as foundational for lasting love.
Related reading: "Emotional Intelligence in Relationship: Let the Magnet of Love Lead."
5 Key Ingredients and Relationship Skills to Safeguard Love
Open Communication—the Lifeline of Every Relationship!
At the heart of every successful relationship lies effective communication.
I’m not talking about exchanging a few logistical comments as you go off to work. Nor am I talking about discussing who’s coming for dinner or where you’re going for Thanksgiving. (Of course, those are necessary, but not where most couples get stuck.) And I’m not talking about criticizing your partner either, complaining that a chore wasn't done fast enough, or how they neglected to acknowledge how hard you worked.
Don’t mistake these (or negative comments) for open and enriching communication.
Essential Characteristics of Loving and Open Communication
Communication entails critical ingredients. Consider them the many faces of love.
- Creating a safe space where both partners feel heard and understood.
- Do regular check-ins, like weekly “relationship meetings,” or dedicated time to discuss concerns or go deeper into understanding needs and dreams.
- The pause! Being mindful and considering your words and actions before reacting in heated moments.
- Using humor to lighten each other’s day or disband tense moments.
- Paying attention to non-verbal communication. You don’t ignore what you sense about your partner’s mood or expression. You get curious and CARE!
- You recognize that you live in private universes, so patience and compassionate communication are indispensable to open communication.
- Timing is like the oil in your car’s engine; timing can make or break communication. Saving important conversations for moments when both partners are ready to engage fully is vital.
- Sharing perspectives and asking questions to clarify and truly understand. To the extent we love, we must value what our partner thinks, feels, and believes.
- Seeking to stay connected and attuned to each other so you can support each other, dancing with healthy interdependence.
- Respecting your partner’s boundaries. No means no. “I need a minute” or “I need some space” means allowing your partner to regroup and get their individual needs met so they can return to time together refreshed and “love forward.”
To improve communication, the above ingredients will ensure love is intact while communicating. Building relationship skills is the shortest path to a happy relationship.
Empathy—the Super Glue of Connection
The ability to understand and navigate emotions—both your own and your partner's—forms the bedrock of real connection.
This relationship skill involves developing emotional awareness and self-management to be present and attuned to your partner's emotions. True empathy validates feelings without rushing to fix them, using phrases like "That sounds really difficult" or "I can see why you'd feel that way."
It requires the courage to be vulnerable, honor vulnerabilities, yet not take responsibility for emotions that aren’t yours. Partners who excel in this area can read emotional cues, respond with tender patience, and show up consistently during both challenges and celebrations.
Deep dive: “The Three Kinds of Empathy: Emotional, Cognitive, and Compassionate.”
Mastering Conflict Resolution
Conflict is inevitable in every relationship—unless, of course, you’re a people pleaser.
How couples handle disagreements and differences often determines their long-term success. It’s not about appeasement of your partner. Connection is not fighting either, although couples can mistake aggressive banter and sarcasm for connectedness.
The goal is to see your partner’s perspective and respectfully unpack and identify the values underpinning strong emotions.
Optimal synergy and connection in a relationship depend on resolving conflict, which always begins with seeking to understand ourselves and our partner. Each partner needs to be willing to suspend their opinions and prioritize understanding far more than proving their point.
Many couples seek to prove they’re right or convince their partner they’re wrong.
It will not work and most often results in power struggles.
Even if your partner finally agrees or gives up, they may have swallowed many insights you could have benefited from. Communication indigestion is one of the elements of volcanic arguments and fighting. We stuff until we can’t any longer.
Compassion and nonjudgment are crucial if we ever hope to reach understanding. These qualities are most needed when we're trying to untangle the conflicts and knots in our relationships.
What if you got truly interested and inquisitive, open to uncovering new ways of thinking?
What if you stepped outside your comfort zone of what you think you KNOW to discover new pathways of understanding together?
If you’re brave enough, it’s an unforgettable experience that catches fire and heats up love to overflowing meaning and iron-clad connection.
This adventure IS an intricate part of love.
LOVE is a couple—and each partner—taking unwavering responsibility for the quality of their love and communication.
Balancing Independence with Togetherness and Connection
One of the most delicate skills in relationships is maintaining individual identity while building a strong partnership.
This relationship dance supports each other's personal growth and aspirations while nurturing connection and time as a couple. Partners need both financial and emotional autonomy combined with common goals and values.
Healthy relationships have healthy boundaries. They make space for separate friendships, hobbies, and interests while also creating shared experiences. Couples reserve time to invest in their relationship. They spend staycations with just the two of them, even if it means staying up later to talk.
This balance prevents codependency while reinforcing healthy interdependence, allowing individuals to grow separately and together.
Giving Consistent and Genuine Appreciation and Affection
The daily practice of showing love and gratitude helps keep relationships vibrant and meaningful.
These gestures go beyond saying a quick, habitual “I love you.” Regular, specific, and meaningful expressions of appreciation for your partner strengthen safety and increase the relationship morale to forge togetherness in our hectic lives.
How to Show Appreciation in a Relationship
Showing and expressing appreciation is as much a science as an art. It takes practice and intentionality to be specific and notice the little things your partner does or the qualities you value throughout the week.
Seizing opportunities to express appreciation will lift you both!
There are several areas you can direct your attention:
1) Express what you're grateful for.
2) Acknowledge their efforts.
3) Share how they impact you.
4) Ways they help you feel supported.
5) Tell them how they uplifted your day or made you feel.
6) Appreciate the difference they make in your life.
Below are a few specific examples.
"I am so grateful that you took extra time this morning to clean up after yourself. It helped me feel like I had a little time for self-care."
"Your loving texts yesterday in the midst of your busy day really made me feel valued."
"Your calmness, patience, and insights yesterday when I was upset meant the world to me. Your presence allowed me to understand what was really going on so thank you."
"What I love about you is...."
"Thank you for working so hard to make our landscaping beautiful; it makes me smile every time I come home."
Creating special rituals dedicated to enrich your relationship, such as evening walks, builds lasting bonds. Understanding and actively using your partner's love languages ensures that your caring expressions resonate and have maximum impact.
These consistent demonstrations of love and appreciation are deposits in your relationship's emotional bank account, creating resilience for challenging times.
Closing Thoughts
The above five relationship skills work together synergistically, each supporting and enhancing the others. The more you apply them, the richer and more secure your relationship becomes.
Couples who commit to developing these capabilities—instead of waiting until there is a problem—create lasting love and satisfaction.
Remember that mastering yourself is equally important!
Practicing these skills together requires ongoing practice, patience, and focused attention from both partners. The most successful couples approach their lives through the lens of a growth mindset.
They greet each other with curiosity and compassion whenever there is a disagreement. If they cannot remain open, they take time to self-calm and regroup. Then, they circle back when ready and do so in a reasonable amount of time.
Small, consistent efforts to cultivate love, respect, and connection daily will be the best investment you’ve ever made!
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