Conflict. Power Struggles. Arguments. They are relational challenges—and opportunities—for closeness and understanding in a romantic relationship. There's a catch: we need to know how to resolve our differences and deal with a power struggle in a relationship.
A previous client reminded me just how powerful it can be when we identify the roots of our relationship issues. We hadn’t worked together for years, but when I ran into her, she told me that a one-liner I gave her from a coaching session had totally changed her life. Maybe the insight will help you, too.
Estimated reading time: 4 minutes
Sometimes a new perspective helps us shift when we’re stuck, or instead of running faster and faster on that proverbial hamster wheel without getting anywhere, we move forward.
Here’s what she shared:
“In our coaching session, you allowed me to vent about how much I hated conflict and waited patiently for me to reach empty. Then you asked me a simple but powerful question: ‘Is it possible that it’s not conflict you hate but nonresolution with conflict that is so hard?’ That one-line was a game-changer for me! It allowed me to be much more compassionate with myself and move forward in a totally different way.”
This simple clarification gave her a new reference point to see her relationship with new eyes and shift out of a worn-out pattern of continual conflict. I think a lot of people neglect to draw the above distinction.
It’s true, conflict is inevitable because we're all different. However, we do have the power to resolve conflict and power struggles that lead to greater understanding and closeness. Let’s examine the underlying cause.
The Cause of Power Struggles in Relationships
Many people will tell you that there are a ton of reasons why people play tug-of-war in a relationship. Here are some of the most common ones you will hear for power struggles in relationships:
- Differences in personalities
- Childhood conditioning factors
- Conflicting values
- Unresolved past issues
- Need for control or a fear of loss of control
- Varying communication styles
However, most power struggles in relationships are preventable, especially when we apply emotional intelligence in our relationships.
I’m not talking about being compliant or a people-pleaser to keep the peace. Nor am I suggesting what most people think is unavoidable: compromise.
Nope.
Power struggles are created by one or both partners in a relationship feeling a lack of power, which often stems from not feeling heard. The bigger the risk or decision, the more we tug.
Every problem in a relationship can be solved with truly listening and feeling heard. This one unmet need of feeling unheard is the culprit of eighty percent of all marital issues and fights in relationships.
Many people, especially in love and marriage, just don’t know how to genuinely listen.
As a couple, it’s critical to choose love over being right or getting your way. And when a couple’s needs compete for attention, you’ll get a power struggle every time.
Recognizing the Signs of Discontent and Conflict
Picture this: It's date night, and you're deciding where to eat. You suggest Italian, your partner counters with sushi. Suddenly, choosing dinner feels like negotiating a peace treaty. When making such a simple decision becomes tense, there are likely other rumblings underneath. This seemingly simple scenario can be an indicator light that other needs are competing.
Power struggles often masquerade as everyday disagreements. They can show up as:
- Arguments over household chores and yard work.
- Disagreements about finances, spending, and different values around money.
- Debates over different parenting styles.
- Dissatisfaction and struggle about personal time and space.
- Disputes about in-laws, holidays, and boundaries with family.
But don't worry! These skirmishes aren't a sign of a doomed relationship or that you’re mismatched. They're opportunities for healing and growth, understanding, and deeper connection.
Really!
Why Power Struggles Happen: The Power Dynamics of Relationships
Imagine a relationship as a seesaw. When both partners feel balanced, everything is great. But when one side feels heavier (or one partner is left dangling feeling helpless at the top of the teetertotter), that's when the imbalance can begin to get lopsided.
This analogy vividly illustrates the dynamics of power in relationships and why imbalances can lead to conflicts.
Power dynamics in relationships refer to how partners influence each other and make decisions. When power is balanced, both partners feel equally valued and heard. In a healthy relationship, the seesaw is level and life has ease and fun. There is give and take. Ups and downs are a natural part of the tango of a relationship dance. Both partners have equal say in decisions that matter to them, and their individual needs and desires are equally prioritized.
However, when one partner consistently holds disproportionate power either through control, inadequacy, or overpowering, it can lead to feelings of resentment, frustration, and emotional distance, such as withdrawal or emotional shut-down.
Whenever one partner feels they are carrying more weight for too long—whether through decision-making, emotional labor, or financial responsibility—the seesaw tips, creating an imbalance.
Studies have shown that power imbalances can significantly impact relationship satisfaction. For example, research published in Social Psychological and Personality Science indicates that relationship quality hinges more on each individual's sense of empowerment rather than an equal power balance. This insight means that even if power isn't perfectly balanced, as long as both partners feel empowered and influential, the relationship can thrive.
It is not just equality we seek, it is equity: being heard, seen, and valued for our uniqueness in the relationship. Zero resentment along with relationship health and happiness are indicators of this equity. Power shapes interpersonal behavior either negatively or positively.
To restore balance to the seesaw, couples need to address the root causes of power struggles for the overall health of the relationship and work towards a more equitable dynamic.
From Conflict to Connection: Strategies for Relationship Empowerment
Now, let's talk solutions.
After decades of marriage and coaching countless couples, I've discovered some game-changing relationship skills. They may seem simple, but simple doesn’t mean easy. They take a sincere desire to communicate differently and practice.
The Pause Button
When tensions rise, hit pause. Take a deep breath, step back, and ask yourself, “Am I wanting to be right or close?” The more often you practice pausing, the quicker conflicts turn to meaningful conversations.
Emotional regulation is as crucial to a relationship as plumbing is to a home. Without self-regulation, individuals will often blame their partner for what is their responsibility, managing their emotions. Anger particularly needs self-control when a power dynamic is out of whack.
A Mindset Shift
If we’re afraid of conflict and avoid it at all costs, we cannot resolve differences from a synergistic framework. So, after learning to pause, consider changing how you view conflict altogether!What if conflict meant an opportunity to understand your partner better? What if conflict translated every time to greater closeness and connection?
It’s possible. Seek to understand.
The Empathy Challenge
Try seeing the situation from your partner's perspective. By promoting emotional safety through empathy, it’s amazing how understanding can diffuse tension, create greater relationship satisfaction, and build increased emotional well-being individually and as a couple.
Many times, we’re saying the same thing from another vantage point. I’ve seen couples bicker, insult each other, and get angry only to find out—when they finally emptied enough to hear their partner—that they wanted the same thing! (I’ll bet you’ve experienced that too!)
The Win-Win Approach
Instead of battling for victory, aim for mutual satisfaction. Remember, you're on the same team not opposing forces. When we are serious about resolving power struggles and we genuinely want our partner to be happy, that perspective will open doors to our heart and mind. It’s astounding how creative we get in finding solutions when we apply our love effectively to conflict.
The Communication Makeover
Replace ways you communicate that doesn’t support understanding. It’s very common for couples to use emotionally-charged absolutes instead of language that promotes understanding. Try switching it up and see if your results are more positive.
These tweaks and small changes have big impact. Why? Because they are much more receivable and tend to motivate the person to respond differently. They create open and effective communication and dialogue.
See the comparison below to learn how to reframe big feelings into bite-size expressions that can be heard by your partner.
Real-Life Success: A Power Struggle Tale Transformed!
Let me share a personal story from my marriage. Years ago, my husband and I found ourselves constantly clashing over financial decisions. It felt like every purchase was a battlefield.
We decided to try something different. We sat down, created a shared spending budget, and gave each other a no-questions-asked personal spending allowance. (My husband went to concerts and breweries with friends; I bought flowers, birdseed, and occasionally went on a shopping spree with a girlfriend.) Then, for larger purchases over a certain amount, we agreed to discuss and make joint decisions.
To create understanding with this simple agreement turned our financial discussions from war zones to peaceful planning sessions.
Related reading: “How to Successfully Budget as a Couple and Create a Team.”
Your Turn: Take Action for a More Peaceful, Happier Relationship
Are you ready to turn your relationship's power struggles into powerful connections? Here's your action plan:
- Identify your top recurring conflict.
- Choose one strategy from the list above to apply this week.
- Schedule a "state of the union" talk with your partner to discuss progress.
Remember, transforming power struggles takes time, patience, and practice. It also requires a different perspective about conflict as mentioned earlier. However, the rewards—a deeper connection, mutual respect, and lasting love—are worth all the effort.
By working with your partner in power struggles like you would when dancing, you're turning a battle into flow while building a stronger, more resilient relationship.
So, are you ready to trade in that tug-of-war rope for a pair of dancing shoes?
Heartmanity's specialty is relationship coaching. If you'd like customized support, contact us.
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