As a mother of three grown children, grandmother, and parenting coach with over 25 years of experience teaching parenting and emotional intelligence, I've seen firsthand how profoundly our parenting approach shapes our children's lives. Parenting is a learn-as-you-go, 24-7-hour vocation filled with countless decisions. One of the most fundamental choices parents make is how to raise their children.
What parenting style have you chosen?
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Table of Contents
What Is a Parenting Style?
Brief History of Parenting Styles
Types of Parenting Styles
Authoritarian Parenting
Authoritative Parenting
Permissive Parenting
Uninvolved (Neglectful) Parenting
Helicopter Parenting
Drone Parenting
Democratic Parenting
Gentle Parenting
Free-Range Parenting
Conscious Parenting
Which Parenting Style Is Best?
Wrap-Up Thoughts
Over the years, I've walked alongside countless parents as they face the challenges of raising children. Sometimes they have very few parenting skills in their toolbox; some parents are adamantly parenting opposite of how they were raised. Other parents are trying to parent themselves as they recover from childhood trauma. If there's one thing I've learned, it's that parenting isn't one-size-fits-all. Each child is unique with their own temperament, personality, and developmental rhythm. Every parent a universe apart.
So, how do we raise self-reliant children in an indulgent culture?
How do we support our children to be emotionally resilient, confident children?
How do we parent so they become compassionate, responsible, respectful, and free-thinking adults?
And on top of this very tall list, how can we be a watchtower keeping them safe from dangers, tech or substance addiction, and worse yet, a tragic suicide? No wonder parenting is the most difficult job anyone could ever have!
We'll explore the various parenting styles, their impacts, and how you can harness the power of emotional intelligence to create a loving, supportive home.
What Is a Parenting Style?
When we talk about parenting styles, we're really discussing the emotional climate we create in our homes. It's about how we respond to our children's needs, set boundaries, and nurture them. As an emotional intelligence expert, I've seen how these styles dramatically impact a child's ability to understand and manage their emotions, build relationships, and face life's ups and downs.
Whether you're a new parent still marveling at your baby's first smile, a seasoned veteran weathering the storms of teenage rebellion or struggling to parent a disrespectful adult child, understanding parenting styles can be a game-changer.
It's not about finding the "perfect" style—because, let's face it, the word “perfection” doesn’t exist in parenting—it’s impossible. Instead, it's about gaining insights that help you create a nurturing environment where your child can thrive. Every day is a new opportunity to connect, learn, and grow alongside your children. Compassion for yourself as a parent is imperative regardless of what parenting approach, or blended styles, might describe your parenting.
The concept of parenting styles provides a framework for understanding the diverse methods parents employ to nurture their children and prepare them for adulthood. A parenting style includes the mindsets, attitudes, behaviors, and strategies that parents use to guide their children and their development.
Brief History of Parenting Styles
The study of different parenting styles gained significant traction in the 1960s, thanks to the pioneering work of Diana Baumrind, a developmental psychologist. She identified three primary styles: authoritarian, authoritative, and permissive. Baumrind theorized that children’s behavior could be characterized by the style in which a parent nurtured and disciplined their children.
Later, in the 1980s, researchers Eleanor Maccoby and John Martin added a fourth style, known as uninvolved or neglectful parenting. Each style is characterized by varying levels of parental responsiveness versus demandingness, shaping the emotional environment children are raised.
Beyond the foundational styles, modern parenting has seen the emergence of various sub-types, each taking on a life of its own. Every style and sub-type carries its own set of pros and cons, influencing children's behavior, emotional development, and social relationships in distinctive ways.
For instance, the parental influence of a child raised in a military family that moves frequently is going to be vastly different than that of a child whose parents are permissive or overprotective.
Keep in mind that we are unique human beings; we are unique parents, too. No one style can completely match how a parent raises a child.
Types of Parenting Styles
Understanding the varying parenting styles helps us reflect on our approaches and make informed decisions that best support our children's growth. The goal is to develop a style that matches your values and goals for your children.
Let’s look at the different kinds.
Authoritarian Parenting
Description: Authoritarian parenting establishes strict rules with high demands and expectations; often a one-way communication with little to no negotiation. Think: “My way or the highway!” Parents expect children to uphold the set standards and obey without questioning. Uses fear to motivate through threats, punishment, and guilt; even mistakes can lead to punishment.
Introduced in: 1967 by Diana Baumrind
Pros:
- Clear rules can create a sense of safety.
- Children follow rules and instructions.
- Can engender a respect for authority.
Cons:
- A less nurturing parenting style sometimes leads to a child who is socially handicapped with lower self-esteem.
- Doesn’t consider the experience of the child.
- Strictness and lack of explanations can incite rebellion and
- Likely to hinder problem-solving and decision-making skills.
- Stifle a child’s exploration.
- Creates a “follower” mentality and difficulty making independent decisions.
- Can lead to aggression and an inability to control anger.
- May not work as effectively in all cultural contexts.
Authoritative Parenting
Description: Authoritative parenting emphasizes clear guidelines and reasonable boundaries while giving reasoning behind the rules. Disciplines are used to teach and provide a structure for future decision-making. Balanced with positive reinforcement, nurturing and appropriate levels of communication.
Introduced in: 1967 by Diana Baumrind
Pros:
- The structure provides clear limits.
- Often leads to well-behaved children in the short term.
- Shown to have high academic performance.
- Encourages self-reliance and independence.
- Children are better able to self-regulate and adapt socially.
- Research shows that children have the most positive developmental outcomes.
Cons:
- The high expectations can be perceived as pressure and create stress and anxiety in children.
- Requires enormous patience and consistency to be effective.
- When parents are tired or stressed, they can flip to permissiveness.
- Can create power struggles, particularly with strong-willed children.
- Lacks flexibility, which can limit the ability to adapt when structure is not present.
Permissive Parenting
Description: Highly responsive; can be too kind with low expectations, few rules, and little discipline. Their primary objective is to please and avoid conflict.
Introduced in: 1967 by Diana Baumrind
Pros:
- Nurtures free and uninhibited expression.
- Children enjoy generous freedom.
- Sometimes leads to high self-esteem in children.
Cons:
- Often results in poor self-control and impulse management without limits.
- Children may struggle with authority and rules later in life.
- Sometimes, children flounder without structure and can give up when faced with challenges.
- Children can have difficulty managing their time, emotions, and energy.
- This can lead to parents swinging to autocratic parenting when they are short on patience, stressed, or have been overgiving.
Uninvolved (Neglectful) Parenting
Description: Lacks responsiveness providing little emotional support or guidance to children. Children are on their own, and often, parenting responses are unpredictable. Basic needs may be met, but typically, children are left on their own to figure things out.
Introduced in: 1983 by Eleanor Maccoby and John Martin
Pros:
- Children may develop independence out of necessity.
Cons:
- Can lead to emotional, mental, and behavioral problems.
- The lack of secure attachment causes a child to struggle with attachment issues.
- Common to have self-esteem and confidence issues.
- May result in poor academic performance.
- Increased risk of substance abuse and delinquency.
Helicopter Parenting
Description: Overly involved and protective, constantly hovering over children's activities.
Introduced in: Term coined and popularized in the 1990s.
Pros:
- Children generally feel safe.
- Can help a child feel valued and appreciated by parental involvement.
Cons:
- Can hinder children's independence.
- Often children lack problem-solving skills.
- Sometimes portrays a message that kids aren’t capable.
- May lead to anxiety and low self-esteem in children.
Drone Parenting
Description: A more invasive and stealthy version of helicopter parenting, using technology to monitor children from a distance[1][2].
Introduced in: The concept emerged in the 2010s.
Pros:
- Allows parents to stay fully informed about their child's activities
- Provides a sense of security and control for parents
Cons:
- May invade children's privacy.
- Can inhibit children’s autonomy.
- Often hinders the development of trust and independence.
Democratic Parenting
Description: Democratic parenting (sometimes called Positive Parenting) is a balanced approach in which parents and children engage in joint decision-making, fostering mutual respect, autonomy, and responsibility. This style emphasizes participation while maintaining appropriate boundaries and limits. It focuses on building self-awareness, mindfulness, and emotional connection between parent and child.
Introduced in: Democratic parenting is derived from the ideas of Alfred Adler, an Austrian psychiatrist and psychotherapist, who opened his first child clinic in Vienna in 1921. This concept was popularized in the 1980s by parent educators Jane Nelson and Kathyrn Kvols.
Pros:
- Seeks to understand the needs behind behaviors.
- An effective method of redirecting mistaken goals of "misbehavior."
- Promotes emotional intelligence and self-awareness.
- Fosters respect and honest and open communication; the child’s experience is considered.
- Encourages self-efficacy and gives power appropriate for children to make their own decisions.
- Nurtures strong parent-child bonds and builds security.
- It helps children to think for themselves, placing value inside rather than externally.
- The parent is kind and firm, with clear limits and guidance, which leads to better self-regulation.
- Focuses on building skills rather than punishing or correcting behavior.
- Provides opportunities to learn responsibility within age-appropriate freedom.
Cons:
- Can be challenging for parents to implement consistently, especially under stress.
- If not applied effectively, can lead to permissiveness or power struggles.
- Requires patience and a commitment of time and energy, especially when a child disagrees or resists.
- To implement competently, the method necessitates high emotional maturity in parents.
- Balancing freedom and healthy boundaries can be challenging, especially for parents who were raised differently.
Gentle Parenting
Parenting Style: Gentle parenting focuses on empathy, respect, understanding, and setting healthy boundaries. It aims to raise confident, independent, and happy children through positive discipline rather than punishment and reward.
Introduced in: Popularized by British childcare expert Sarah Ockwell-Smith in her book The Gentle Parenting Book.
Pros:
- Encourages parents to support emotional development, especially of young children. Understand and empathize with their child's feelings.
- Builds a relationship based on mutual respect and understanding.
- Positively impacts children's mental and emotional health and strengthens the parent-child bond.
- Helps children become more self-aware and understand their behavior.
- Focuses on motivating children from within rather than through external rewards or punishments.
- Teaches children about healthy boundaries and self-discipline.
Cons:
- Needs a high level of patience and consistency from parents.
- Can be difficult to implement during conflicts or tantrums.
- May be misunderstood as permissive parenting if not applied correctly.
- The approach can be time-intensive and challenging to maintain, especially for busy parents.
- Requires significant emotional labor and self-regulation from parents.
Free-Range Parenting
Description: Free-range parenting encourages children's independence by allowing them more freedom to explore. It is the concept of raising children to function independently and with limited parental supervision, appropriate to their age and developmental level. This approach encourages children to take risks and learn self-reliance, contrasting sharply with helicopter parenting.
Introduced in: Gained popularity in the early 2000s.
Pros:
- Encourages children to be self-sufficient and confident by allowing them to navigate their environment independently.
- Children learn to resolve conflicts and interact socially without constant adult intervention.
- Promotes outdoor play and physical activities, which can combat sedentary lifestyles and childhood obesity.
- Open and honest communication strengthens the relationship between parents and children
- Teaches essential life skills, such as navigating public transportation or understanding personal safety.
Cons:
- May expose children to unnecessary risks without adult supervision.
- Can be viewed as controversial, neglectful or permissive by some.
- Might lack community support due to it being misunderstood as neglectful.
- Requires careful consideration and implementation to balance the benefits with potential risks.
Conscious Parenting
Description: Conscious parenting is a transformative approach that emphasizes the parent's self-awareness, presence, and emotional self-regulation. This parenting style encourages parents to look inward, heal their own wounds, and grow alongside their children. It aims to nurture a child's authentic self, free from societal and parental expectations. It focuses on mutual respect, presence, and mindful engagement, allowing both parent and child to thrive emotionally and spiritually.
Introduced in: In 2010, Dr. Shefali Tsabury's book The Conscious Parent: Transforming Ourselves, Empowering Our Children coined and brought conscious parenting into focus.
Pros:
- Promotes understanding and empathy, which reduces conflicts.
- Helps parents become more aware of their triggers and patterns, leading to better emotional regulation.
- Fosters deep, meaningful connections between parents and children.
- Nurtures strong parent-child bonds and builds security.
- Parents become more mindful, less stressed, and happier with their parenting choices.
- Models emotional regulation, raising more compassionate children.
- Rather than express their unprocessed pain and emotions, which can be unhelpful or hurtful to children, parents take responsibility for their own healing process.
Cons:
- The approach can be time-consuming and challenging to implement consistently.
- Can be challenging for parents to implement consistently, especially under stress.
- Critics argue it may not offer enough structure, especially for younger children who need clearer limits and boundaries.
The above comprehensive guide covers a wide range of parenting styles, including the recently added drone parenting and conscious parenting approaches. Each style has its own unique characteristics, benefits, and potential drawbacks, reflecting the diverse approaches to raising children in modern society.
Which Parenting Style Is Best?
So, which parenting style is best?
None.
The best compass for effective parenting is your own heart.
Conscious, heart-centered parenting seamlessly integrates the best elements of various parenting styles while focusing on the emotional well-being of both parents and children.
Parenting is influenced by cultural changes, increased brain science, and a rapidly changing world with technology reshaping even the most fundamental human relationships. When seeking answers, consult and align with your family's values and visions and continue to grow yourself.
Being aware of parental patterns that don't produce positive results or harm our relationships with our children is critical to managing and updating them. So in that sense, conscious parenting is valuable. Yet, every parent must decide for themselves what's right.
Balancing the enormous job of parenting is not about adhering rigidly to a single method but rather about crafting an individualized approach that resonates with each child's unique temperament and needs as well as the parents' values. Our overall goal is to create a nurturing environment where love, guidance, and support coalesce, and simultaneously, children are encouraged to be all of themselves and pursue what is most important to them.
Wrap-Up Thoughts
At the heart of effective parenting lies the parent-child relationship—a deep bond that shapes a child's entire world.
When we prioritize building a strong, loving relationship with our children, we create a safe haven from which they can explore the world. This deep connection acts as an emotional anchor, providing the security and confidence children need to face life's challenges.
The best advice is to build and develop an unshakeable foundation of trust, open communication, and unconditional love. When children feel truly seen, heard, and valued within your relationship, they will develop a robust sense of self-worth and the emotional tools to thrive in all aspects of life.
If you'd like to learn new parenting skills, check out the online course on positive parenting below. Or contact us at Heartmanity for personalized support.
