Have you ever muttered, “My toddler is driving me crazy?”
I remember raising a family and the ruckus and fast pace of keeping up with toddlers! They’re a match for any sprinter—or marathon runner! As your toddler asserts their will and autonomy, life can be challenging.
Learn five effective ways to prevent temper tantrums and have more ease and harmony.
Estimated reading time: 4 minutes
Heartmanity is proud to partner with outstanding companies that we wholeheartedly recommend, so this post may contain affiliate links. You can read our full disclosure here.
Parenting Challenges: Temper Tantrums, Whining, Screaming, and Biting—Oh My!
Finding those moments to relax are few and far between!
Let's face it—parenting a toddler can feel like trying to reason with a tiny tornado.
One minute, they're showering you with sticky kisses and hugs, the next, there’s a meltdown because their banana broke in half. It's exhausting, exhilarating, and sometimes downright baffling.
Luckily for me, my daughter took crushing naps that allowed me to bond with my infant son while she slept. However, the one missing parenting piece I wished I'd had back then was the brain science to back my motherly hunches.
Phew! So many colliding behaviors and demands!
Fortunately, today, there is brain science to support parents’ inexperience... no more guesswork. You can be armed with a solid guide and the keys to
- Promote secure attachment
- Build positive self-esteem
- Nurture emotional intelligence
- Encourage wholesome play and outdoor time
- Implement positive discipline with confidence
- Prioritize key parenting for healthy development.
In quiet moments, you might wonder how such a tiny human can create so much chaos—and joy—simultaneously!
But here's some good news: toddler parenting can be armed with the latest research, practical parenting strategies that work, and a healthy dose of humor. We'll explore how to decode your little one's behavior and highlight healthy responses to nurture their budding independence, all the while keeping your own sanity.
Whether you're a seasoned parent looking for fresh ideas or you're new to parenting to the toddler scene, I'll break down complex concepts into bite-sized, actionable tips that you can use right away.
And the best part?
Everything I’ll share is grounded in science and real-world experience. My children are all grown and thriving; now I get to enjoy grandchildren who are the love of my life.
As a parenting coach, behavioral consultant, and parenting instructor for over two decades I’ve dealt with a lot of big parenting challenges. I’ve heard all the stories!—the worst, the best, the cutest, and the most difficult behaviors—of both children and parents!
And what I’ve found is some of the smallest changes can make the biggest difference.
So, settle in. You're about to turn terrible twos into terrific twos—or at least get parenting tips to make toddlerhood a little less crazy and more fun!
Related reading: "What You Need to Know about Children's Cognitive Development"
Understanding Toddler Development: The Science Behind Your Little Tornado!
Growing up in Iowa, we had tornadoes that I called "tomatoes." They came quickly, and often unexpectedly, creating havoc along their pathway. If you have a toddler, they can wreak the same havoc, toys sprawled everywhere, a worn out parent, crayons on the walls, and a pet who is more exhausted than the mom.
Have you ever thought, "What on earth is going on in that little head...?"—mostly adorable, right!?
When my oldest son was a toddler, he found an unlikely seat. He sat on a newly baked birthday cake nicely nestled in a white cardboard bakery box. The cake box was mistaken for a booster seat!
At that moment, I realized he lived in a universe vastly different than my adult brain.
Awareness is a HUGE key to our ability to keep our patience. Yet, learning how to respond instead of react requires emotional intelligence.
After all, how can we build emotional intelligence in our children if we have low EQ?
Let's begin with the basics of toddler development and explain the brain science behind meltdowns, power struggles, and heart-melting moments.
The Toddler Brain: A Work in Progress
It’s helpful to realize that your toddler's brain is like a bustling construction site. It's growing at warp speed, forming new neural connections faster than you can say, "Stop!" …as your toddler’s curiosity compels him to take daddy’s screwdriver and poke it into an electrical outlet.
By age three, your little one's brain will have reached about 80% of its adult volume.
Amazing! That one fact blew me away when I first studied brain development.
But here's the kicker: the prefrontal cortex, the area responsible for impulse control, emotional regulation, and decision-making, is still under construction; it’s NOT even online yet!
This lack of cortical influence explains why when you’ve told your toddler not to draw on the walls, they do it anyway with a cheeky grin. It also explains why they can be laughing one minute and crying the next.
Emotional Intelligence - The Toddler Edition
Let's talk feelings.
Toddlers experience emotions as intensely as we do, but they're still learning to identify and manage them. It's like they're feeling all the feels without rules for engagement, an instruction manual, or a referee. It’s all so new to them!
They’re still exploring the world—inside and out!—and trying to make sense of it all!
All the while, an inner magnet compelling them to touch, explore, learn!
This unfinished construction site is where you come in! Adults get overwhelmed with big feelings and their cortical development is complete.
By naming emotions and modeling healthy ways to express feelings, you will help your toddler develop emotional literacy, and eventually emotional regulation.
Remember, whenever you calmly say, "It looks like you feel frustrated," (or angry… excited… or sad), you're laying the groundwork for future emotional stability.
|
The Great Expectation Gap
A common parenting misstep of parenting toddlers is expecting them to behave like mini-adults. They are an active construction site, remember!
Their ability to understand and follow the rules is still forging. This mismatch between OUR expectations and THEIR capabilities is referred to as the expectation gap.
Bridging this gap requires patience (lots of it!), knowledge, parenting skills, and understanding.
When your toddler melts down in the grocery store, it can be as simple as you interrupting their exploration. Their little minds might be weaving a new neural network unbeknownst to you! What seems minor to you IS their world of self-discovery! This disruption might feel like a genuine catastrophe to them.
It could also be a skipped nap, hunger, or overload of their little bodies to too much stimulus.
I get it! We have a ton our plates as parents. You want to quickly check everything off your grocery list and get home to make dinner! A legitimate need, for sure.
However, toddlers are neither efficient nor can you be in efficiency mode and still be present for their ever-changing needs.
The Power of Play
Have you ever noticed how your toddler can turn anything into a toy? That's their brain at work!
Play is the primary way toddlers learn about the world. It's not just fun; it's serious business for their brain development.
When your little one stacks blocks, bangs on pans, or pretends a banana is a phone, they're developing problem-solving skills, creativity, and social understanding.
So, the next time you're tempted to tidy up their mess, you might view it as their learning laboratory. Your work may be keeping a clean house; their work is making a mess!
|
|
Understanding toddler development is like having a secret decoder for your child's behavior. It won't make the challenges disappear, but it can transform your perspective and how you respond to them.
Remember, your toddler isn't trying to give you a hard time; they're having a hard time when upset.
With patience, understanding, and a healthy dose of humor, you'll navigate this wild and wonderful stage like a pro.
Evidence-Based Parenting Strategies:
Nurture Self-Esteem While Building Your Child’s Brain
Now that we've unraveled the mysteries of toddler brain development a tiny bit, let's dive into some tried-and-true parenting strategies.
They’ll help you keep your sanity and ensure your little one thrives.
Remember how discussed your toddler's brain being a work in progress?
Well, their self-esteem is under construction, too. Here's how to lay a solid foundation:
Provide Genuine Encouragement
Don't just say "good job," get specific!
When your toddler conquers that tricky puzzle piece, try: "Wow! You kept trying even when it was hard. You must feel so pleased with yourself!"
This detailed feedback helps your child understand exactly what they did well.
Deep Dive: "Build Healthy Self-Esteem: Give Children Relevant, Meaningful Feedback."
Let Them Be Your Little Helper
Toddlers need—and love—to feel capable. Give them age-appropriate tasks like helping to water or polish your plants. Let them help set the table. I even had my toddlers with their child-sized bucket of water and brush help me scrub our kitchen linoleum floor.
Child labor? Nah!~way too much work for mom! They had a blast and learned gross and fine motor skills to boot. But what a mess!
Yes, it might take longer, but you're building their confidence with every "job" they complete. Invite them when you have “extra” time and energy and are mentally, emotionally, and energetically ready to have fun with your toddler.
Reframe Messes as a Positive
Every action your toddler practices empowers them and increases contentment. Stifling a toddler’s exploration is one of the primary causes of meltdowns and power struggles.
For instance, when your toddler insists on pouring their own drink, resist the urge to take over. A little spill is a small price to pay for the pride they'll feel in mastering a new skill.
You can also introduce pouring lessons aside from snack and mealtime so they learn more mastery. Small little pitchers with a tray underneath keep the mess to a minimum. Use rice or dried beans at first, eventually graduating to water or juice.
When they’ve scattered their toys elaborately throughout the living room, turn clean-up into a treasure hunt. Making it fun is an excellent skill in staying positive about things we don’t relish doing. A parent’s attitude (and how they respond to their child daily) download far more unconsciously than most parents realize!
You don’t have to like the temporary messes but accept them as a part of their self-discovery and learning.
Unconditionally Love them Through Their Mistakes
When your little artist decides to redecorate your walls (or fireplace mantel like one little girl I know) with crayons or markers, take a BIG deep breath and stay calm.
Empathize with how much fun that must have been! (I know it is hard to do during destruction, but it will mean the world to them.) And no, empathizing doesn’t mean you’re okaying the behavior; it means you are mirroring THEIR feelings and experience. Twelve years from now, when they hit their teenage years, they’ll share things with you that most parents will never hear!
Next, remove the drawing materials. Kindly and firmly repeat the rule: “Crayons are for paper, not walls” or “Use the markers on paper or they’ll be put up immediately.” Then, show them where they can draw instead.
Remember, feeling loved even when they mess up is crucial for healthy self-esteem.
Talk, Talk, Talk Out Loud!
Narrate your day, ask questions, and encourage your toddler to name objects. This simple, intentional act accelerates language development. The constant dialogue builds language skills, increases engagement and interest for them, and helps them understand the world better.
Understanding = fewer power struggles!
Tell them, encourage me, engage them, saying things like, “Mommy is lifting you up; time to get in your car seat. We’re going to pick up your brother at school.” or give them a choice, “Do you want to climb into your car seat all by yourself or do you want mom to help?”
When you encounter a challenge, think out loud. "Hmm, this toy is tricky to put together. Let's look at the instructions and try again." You're teaching valuable problem-solving skills in action and planting the seeds for a growth mindset.
This advice may seem obvious, but many parents get absorbed in their thoughts and forget, missing a fabulous opportunity to build language skills!
Closing Thoughts and Encouragement
Every child is unique, and what works for one might not work for another. The key is to stay patient and encouraged with a sense of humor. Parenting is the most difficult and complex job there is, so, go easy on yourself.
Love, attention, and patience are three powerful gifts for every toddler. Create toddler triumphs by remembering that their brain is still under construction and they are new to this vast world. They are not mini-adults and your parental responses are seeking skills and confidence for a lifetime.
For a parent coach, positive discipline ideas, or effective tools for conscious parenting, sign up for our newsletter. And if you're ready to dig in, contact us for personalized parent coaching.
Or try out this amazing online parenting course!
