As children grow into adulthood, the dynamics of parent-child relationships naturally evolve. What could be an amazing relationship is often fraught with hurtful exchanges and abrupt cutoffs.
It's crucial for parents to recognize—and respect—the boundaries that are needed with this transition. By respecting your adult child's autonomy, you are showing respect for their life choices and reinforcing your role as a supportive parent in their life.
Estimated reading time: 4 minutes
Acknowledging each other's boundaries helps to build a healthy relationship with mutual respect and understanding. Unfortunately, parents can assume that they will remain at the center of a child's life, even after their children form families of their own.
I get it! We love our children and want to be a part of their lives.
And not just once a year when they might decide to rotate for a visit at the holidays.
However, if we mistakenly assume that this adult parent-child relationship will look and feel the same as when they were children, we are in for a rude awakening... even a painful one.
5 Essential and Effective Ways to Strong Connections
Honor the Vital Role of Boundaries in Parent-Child Relationships
Sometimes, people misunderstand boundaries as barriers to closeness. Healthy boundaries are not walls to keep people out but rather to take care of and honor ourselves and others.
Typically, when a child leaves home after graduating (or getting their GED, as the case may be), the relationship and accompanying boundaries change radically. Their lives change and so do parents'.
When your grown child says they need space, they might mean for a day or a month, depending on many factors. Regardless, it is their right to set a boundary and assert their autonomy.
As they get married and start building a family, they may not include you as much as you'd like. I worked with two mothers in separate states who weren't even allowed to see their grandchildren—a heart-wrenching scenario.
You may feel hurt that your child goes to Costa Rica for two weeks and then says they can't take off work to come for Christmas, which is a yearly tradition. Yet, it is their choice.
You may not appreciate texting and yearn to have a meaningful phone conversation or lunch date, but this same desire may be vacant at the other end of the relationship. Your adult child has their own priorities, preferences, and goals that may be unlike yours. And the last few generations of children have been raised in a vastly different culture with major impacts.
Healthy boundaries allow everyone to feel secure and respected while creating a safe and loving space where open communication can evolve.
The key is being open and communicating what works for you AND them.
Well-defined boundaries are essential to nurture and maintain a strong connection with your adult child. Understanding and respecting these boundaries are key for every successful and strong parent-child relationship.
Related reading: "5 Parenting Tips to Successfully Deal with Disrespectful Adult Children."
Adult Parent-Children Relationships Need EXTRA Empathy
Empathy is a powerful tool in maintaining strong relationships with adult children. It allows parents to step into their child's shoes and understand their perspectives without judgment.
This emotional intelligence (EQ) skill can be particularly beneficial during conflict or disagreements. By practicing empathy, parents can communicate how they value their child's feelings, thoughts, and opinions, strengthening trust and their bond.
Listening—truly listening—is a critical ingredient of loving connection and a prerequisite to empathy.
How can we understand our child's perspective without suspending our own temporarily!?
To give our full attention to our adult children, we begin to realize that there are many branches and roots to their perspectives that we may not have recognized before. For instance, instead of saying, "I totally disagree!" try saying, "Help me understand better why you feel that way," or "Tell me more about why you believe that."
These mindful responses encourage your grown child to share more, not less.
In a heated conflict, the genuine connection between individuals is disrupted by tension and misunderstanding. The emotional intensity can create barriers that prevent open and honest communication, leading to a cycle of frustration and resentment.
Getting defensive and arguing will often repel love and cause your adult child to feel unheard.
Of course, it's okay to disagree, even with emotional intensity, as long as it remains respectful. However, we deny ourselves the opportunity to understand better and know our child when we maintain our position without curiosity. Then, it is only a one-sided conversation.
Instead of understanding, the conflict can amplify feelings of alienation and disconnection. It is crucial to approach a tense situation with empathy and a willingness to listen, allowing for a more constructive and healing dialogue.
By acknowledging and empathizing with their feelings, you legitimize their experience—even IF you happen to disagree.
You also reassure your child that their thoughts and feelings are important to you. Combining empathy with active listening can transform your interactions and lead to more meaningful and supportive conversations.
Model Respectful and Loving Communication
Communication is the backbone of all relationships.
A lack of communication is one of the complaints I hear most often from parents. They feel dismissed, ignored, undervalued, and invisible and often say, "My kids only come to me when they need something!"
When adult children are disrespectful or MIA, it's easy to slip back into thinking we're in charge of their lives. But we're not.
In parenting, modeling respect and loving communication is vital even when your children are now adults. In their minds, you're still the parent, you're still the "adult" ... or so they'd like to believe! Ha!
When you are upset, don't fall into the trap of justifying your behavior because they acted immature or rude.
As a parent, it's crucial to set the conversation tone. This responsibility means being mindful of your language and tone of voice, ensuring that discussions are constructive and supportive.
For instance, instead of saying, "You never call me," or "You never visit anymore." try saying, "I sure miss the times we used to have lunch together regularly. When do you think we could connect?" or "I know how demanding it is raising a family and how fast a week flies by. What do you think of the idea of having a date once a month so we both can plan better?"
Even if they say, "Nah!" you've modeled expressing your feelings appropriately without making them wrong and showed them that you care.
By modeling the behavior you wish to see, you reinforce the value of respect.
This approach has a far better outcome and sets the stage for future conversations to be more meaningful.
Respectful communication is a two-way street; by showing respect, you are more likely to receive it in return.
Related reading: "Win Back Respect from Your Grown Children."
Quickly Address Unspoken Tensions with Compassion
Unspoken tensions can silently erode any relationship. However, when our time with our adult children is often limited, ignored tensions can grow more rampant.
Along with this stress, both the parent and child often revolve negative stories about the situation and each other. In all the years I've coached families, parents, and children, storytelling is prevalent. The stories are mental fabrications, sometimes fueled by hurt feelings.
It is crucial to address these issues with compassion quickly before they grow out of proportion. When tensions arise, remain calm and focused on finding a solution that respects everyone's feelings. Avoid blame and focus on understanding the root cause of the tension.
To maintain a healthy connection with your adult child, approach conversations with an open heart and a willingness to understand THEIR perspective. Create a safe space for them to feel comfortable expressing their feelings—and a part of this indispensable safety IS handling uncomfortable subjects and feelings. Resolving conflicts in real time reinforces the trust and respect underpinning your parent-child relationship.
Practice Patience and Acceptance
As your relationship with your adult child evolves, patience and acceptance along with adaptability become paramount.
Recognize that change is a natural part of life. Each stage of the relationship offers new opportunities for growth and connection.
Patience allows you to give your child the time they need to navigate their own path, while acceptance helps you embrace the changes that come with this journey.
Even though I believe most parents do their best, we're human have make mistakes. Just because we did our best doesn't mean that certain of our behaviors didn't hurt our child and is still in their memory banks.
Compassion helps and letting your children know you want to develop a healthier relationship.
By cultivating patience and acceptance, you demonstrate a steady, unwavering support that reassures your child of your unconditional love and respect. This approach encourages a strong, enduring connection that adjusts to the changing dynamics of your relationship.
Closing Thoughts
Empathy, respect, and understanding take center stage in nurturing a meaningful relationship with your adult children.
By embracing these principles, you create a foundation for a loving, supportive connection that honors the individuality and autonomy of your adult child. It may take perseverance on your part to prove to your child that you will see them for who they are rather than what you want them to be. This tenacity is particularly true if the relationship is strained.
Act on what you CAN control and practice letting go of what you cannot force. Remember the difference. Our parenting sanity depends on emotional maturity when our hearts are aching because we miss our children.
Your relationship can grow and change if you let it. The parent-child relationship is TOO precious not to keep trying without attachment to outcomes.
For customized support and parent coaching, reach out to Heartmanity. A helping hand and listening ear are healing. You're not alone. Get the needed parenting skills to navigate challenges, too!
