“Look what you made me do!” Sound familiar?
How do you deal with someone who blames you... for everything!? Even if you contributed to a situation, blaming is a trap door in any relationship and outrages most people with a sense of injustice.
So, how do we respond when we find ourselves being blamed? How do we escape the blame game?
Estimated reading time: 4 minutes
Blame Is an Easy Out for Emotional Upset
My mom was a blamer.
She blamed us for everything—spilt milk, an open drawer or jarred cupboard door, lights left on, a chipped dish, and even for quitting her job to raise us. She blame shifted her resentful feelings about an unhappy marriage continually.
I swore I would never blame anyone for anything! It was a dead-end and a conversation killer every time.
It never helped to defend or try to reason with her.
And it won't help you either!
What Is Blame Shifting?
Blame shifting diverts attention from oneself.
When someone blames, they are ejecting an emotional solar flare; the intense heat, emotion, and energy is shot out with force.
But why?
It's a cover-up of emotions we don't understand, feel too intensely, or are uncomfortable. It's like an escape hatch.
Blaming and blame shifting are common for people; it takes the heat off of their actions and shifts the spotlight onto someone else.
You might hear some these responses that a blamer uses to justify their behavior:
- "You are too sensitive, just take responsibility."
- "If you only did , I wouldn't ."
- "Oh, I was only joking!" (My favorite for dodging responsibility.)
- "Why did you...?!" or "Look what you made me do!"
- "I can't believe you...."
- Uses "always" or "never" frequently in their communication.
Blaming can be crazymaking—I get it! And many will tell you it's verbal abuse, too.
However, if we take the judgment off the person and behavior for a moment, it boils down to a missing critical emotional intelligence skill. Blame erupts due to an inability to emotionally regulate or dysregulation.
Emotional modulation is a landmark emotional intelligence skill that is at the heart of all appropriate communication, emotional literacy, and emotional expression.
Deep dive reading: An academic study on emotional regulation and executive brain function.
How to Respectfully Handle Blame and Blame Shifting
First, keep in mind that the blamer's thoughts are swirling usually charged with intense emotions, and typically a "bruised ego" is involved. It temporarily feels good to the other person to vindicate themselves.
Understanding that a person is emotionally challenged internally is helpful, but it does not translate to allowing disrespect.
Regardless, of the relationship, a disarming response is, "You might be right about that."
Let's be clear, you're not saying that they ARE right, you're saying they MIGHT be right. Usually this comment stuns them. Remember, part of blame's exhilaration and payoff is getting another person as upset as they are.
Why?
Because it helps to distract them from their own outburst and responsibility. Changes the storyline. Now, they can make it about YOUR defensiveness.
Why would they want to?
Difficult stuff—shame is at the root of blame so it feels like it should be hidden.
It's been my experience that compassion is a powerful remedy for most outrageous behaviors, and a response people don't expect or anticipate.
Seek understanding.
Create open dialogue.
Culpability is debatable when you are blamed. But by examining IF you contributed to the situation—even slightly—will allow you to grow and unhook yourself from defensiveness in response to blame.
See the experience from their perspective. Many times, a person blaming is just looking for an out and often feels "set up." When you take responsibility for any small way you may have contributed to the outcome, it disarms them allowing them to inch toward responsibility.
Possible Responses to Blame
- "One way I could have contributed to this outcome is..."
- "Let me consider my part."
- "I'll take responsibility for , if you agree to approach me in the future without blame."
The point is that by practicing emotional intelligence (see our earlier blog on EQ here) and taking accountability, you are giving yourself the opportunity to improve while also extending safety for the other person to own their feelings.
Convert Blame to Inspiration for Others
This quote by George Bernard Shaw is a wonderful place to start. Don't blame the blamer; get about the business of creating relationships you love!
“The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want and if they can't find them, make them.”
Overcoming hurts, resentments, and beating the blame game requires us to look within. Finding peace in yourself—and me finding peace in myself—asks us to take responsibility for our part.
Model accountability.
During quiet moments in your day, think of ways to take more responsibility. Perhaps, everyday small steps that are tiny: write that text message you’ve been putting off; practice more clarity in communications; let your spouse know you'd like to have more time together.
And sometimes larger—write that uncomfortable e-mail to ask for clarification at work; reach out to a friend to clear up a disagreement, reflect on ways your past trauma might be rearing it's head through being at the receiving end of blame.
Take out your own emotional trash. Release resentment and get about the business of BECOMING a blame-free person.
Instead of defending against blame, become its friend.
Spot those small ways you can help the person have the courage to say, "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have blamed you."
If you're looking to successfully navigate workplace behavior as a leader, you may find "Emotional Intelligence in Leadership" helpful.
For more ways to build emotional well-being, interpersonal skills or communication skills, contact us at Heartmanity.
