What is self-esteem, and how can we instill high self-esteem in our children even while we discipline them?
Parents often wonder about the impact of their parenting and parenting style on their children’s self-esteem. Do you know the most essential ingredient for building a child’s self-esteem?
Estimated reading time: 4 minutes
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Have you ever had a child come up to you all excited and then… POP! You say something that deflates them instantly. It hurts, doesn’t it?—even when our words or actions are unintentional.
Sometimes, parents forget what it’s like to be a child or teen. It’s so easy to lose sight. We get bogged down with tight schedules, responsibilities, and have a lot on our minds. We can begin to think of children as “miniature adults.”
But they’re not!
It’s true; we can pop a child’s bubble or send our teen stomping away. However, if we have a solid relationship and a full emotional bank account with them, they bounce back with resilience, and so does the relationship.
In the long term, poor self-esteem happens slowly like mold. It forms subtly at first before it’s even visible.
Self-esteem is dwindled slowly—by careless words, broken promises, busy schedules, angry reactions, and criticism compounded by putdowns and teasing from peers and siblings.
What Is Self-Esteem?
Oxford says self-esteem is “confidence in one’s own worth and abilities; self-respect.”
Then, there are the five Cs of self-esteem: competence, confidence, connection, character and caring.
In parenting, there are two essential areas to focus on:
- the child feels unconditionally loved
- the child feels capable in their world
Easy to remember—much harder to achieve!
A child or teen can feel loved but not capable. Or they can feel capable but unloved.
Both elements are crucial for building high self-esteem.
So, it’s not enough to ensure that our children excel at something. They also need to feel loved unconditionally.
How, then, do we discipline in a firm and loving way that reinforces a child’s feelings of being loved and capable?
Remember said I’d tell you THE MOST IMPORTANT ingredient for building high self-esteem in your children?
YOU.
And not just you, as a parent, but one crucial parenting action that can make all the difference.
Did you know that parents are children’s mirrors? Through the mirrors of parents and their daily responses, children define themselves and develop self-identity and esteem, especially young children. They see themselves through our eyes. What we say to them becomes their self-talk. What we model, they imitate.
The ordinary moments of daily life make up the building blocks of a child’s self-esteem.
Be a calm, and accurate mirror!
5 Ways to Build High Self-Esteem in Children and Teens
The following five ways will help you develop children’s self-esteem.
The first way to promote self-esteem in children is by understanding and respecting developmental stages. And there are a couple that will emphasize the mirror concept mentioned above.
Understand and Respect Developmental Stages
We all know some of the key physical and emotional developmental stages of children. The more we're informed, the better equipped we are to surf—successfully—the many developmental changes.
For instance, we might become irritated at a toddler or preschooler incessantly asking “why,” even though it is developmentally appropriate. To grow and mature in healthy ways, children need to explore the world safely and discover who they are, whether that’s a toddler asking why (or chasing geese) or teens rebelling against a parent curfew.
Familiarize yourself with developmental stages so you are prepared and able to respond to maximize brain development, growth, and security.
Most children will pass through each developmental phase in a relatively short time. However, when we, as parents, do not understand that a behavior is appropriate and we overreact, the behavior can become a learned behavior.
Suddenly, the child has a new tool that they can use to get attention. Jim Jordan, a Behavioral Pediatrician, says stages will get stuck if we overreact or under-react.
When we stay loving and firm, children pass through developmental stages smoothly and onto another instead of getting stuck in one behavior that inappropriately helps them meet their needs.
Acknowledge and Greet Children in a Positive Way
The second way to ensure healthy self-esteem in children is through our greetings.
Welcome and acknowledge children in a friendly way. Show that you are happy to see them. Greet them like you would your best friend who you haven’t seen for a couple of years!
This simple focus may seem simplistic but it has far-reaching effects on how people feel about our relationship with them.
That’s why people love dogs as companions—no matter how crabby and ornery we are, dogs are always happy to see us! And they will always get up to greet you.
We tend to say hello half-heartedly or in a distracted way without giving our full attention. I've seen parents pick their children up from school and barely look up from their phone.
If a child misbehaves, we may be relieved when they leave for school in the morning and shutter to see them come home. When we are challenged with misbehavior, it is imperative to press our reset button and set a positive intention for the future,
When we become discouraged or frustrated, we tend to only see what children do wrong. It takes intentionality to focus instead on our love for them.
Let’s greet our children with sparkling eyes, a big smile and a friendly greeting, even when it's difficult.
Related reading: "37 Inspiring Ways for Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child."
Teach Skills to Build Confidence in Children
When a child misbehaves, we, as parents and teachers, tend to move into punishment too quickly instead of teaching skills.
Remember, all behavior is communication. Instead of punishing misbehavior at any age, ask yourself:
- What skills do they need?
- What can I do that is loving toward both the child & myself?
- Is my discipline effective and age-appropriate??
- Will my action create distance or closeness in the relationship?
Let me give you an example.
A mom who is a friend had a 14-year-old son who had a family guideline about R-rated movies. When he had friends spend the night they could not watch R-rated movies without permission from all parents. The mom later discovered that during a sleepover at their house, the boy and his friends watched an R-rated movie without permission.
When the facts were in, there was only one boy who did not have permission but the boys went ahead and watched it anyway. Her son lied to cover it up.
Many parents of teens would react, punish, and ground their teen. But what does this teach them? The teenager is not reflecting on his actions but rather how unreasonable their parent is.
However, IF we look instead for skills that are lacking, we find that inexperience is often at the root of this disobedience. Getting curious and seeking to understand is imperative to conscious parenting that builds high self-esteem.
Fact 1: The teen wanted to be a good friend and prevent his friend from disappointment and peer embarrassment.
Fact 2: He did not know how to negotiate an outcome that met everyone’s needs, including the parents.
Fact 3: He did not know how to say “no,” to peer pressure.
Emotional intelligence skills that were needed in the above situation?
- boundary setting
- emotional-regulation
- conflict resolution
- being a good friend AND honoring parents' rules simultaneously
- problemsolving
Of course, there's a place for consequences when children break established rules and agreements.
However, when we move too quickly to punish, our reaction usually doesn't have the intended results. Without getting curious about our child's experience, we often miss an opportunity to understand them better and teach a skill that will serve him a lifetime.
If we create a spirit of goodwill instead and an environment of understanding, we can ask the child questions such as:
- “What could you have done differently to create a win-win for everyone?”
- “What will you do differently next time?”
- “What other options did you have?”
- “What do you think caused you to make that choice?”
- "Did you get the results you were after?"
As you can see, this approach allows us to apply consequences that are more relevant and meaningful.
Recommended reading: Children: The Challenge and Redirecting Children's Behavior books.
Help Children and Teens to See Themselves as Capable
We may view our children as capable even though they may not see themselves as capable.
Whether or not self-esteem is enhanced or decreased with any given experience depends enormously on how the child perceives each experience and his decisions about himself.
Children are expert observers.
However, research has found that although they are superb observers, children are l o u s y interpreters! They often draw inaccurate conclusions based on incomplete information or inexperience.
An excellent book to teach kids to think through their decisions and actions is Raising Self-Reliant Children in a Self-Indulgent World by Stephen Glenn and Raising a Thinking Preteen by Myrna B. Shure, Ph.D.
While growing up, we acquire many beliefs about ourselves that reinforce a positive or negative outlook. How a child records the movie of each day is primarily based on how he perceives the experience AND how much or how little he believes in himself.
Parents are crucial in assisting children to reach accurate conclusions that will build their self-esteem.
What is essential, then, is to remember that the perceptions of others, especially children, are different than our own. These perceptions are keys to learning, and we must help young people explore their perspectives and conclusions for greater awareness in the future.
Let me tell a story that illustrates this point beautifully.
A friend of mine had a daughter, who we will call Carol, who drew a false conclusion.
Her daughter observed a teacher being stern and abrupt with another student at the beginning of a school year. Afterward, it felt too threatening to ask the teacher questions. She decided she wasn’t going up to that teacher—ever—no matter how badly she needed information.
It turned out when the mom inquired that the teacher was only frustrated with this one particular student because she asked inordinate and unnecessary questions that the teacher felt she already knew the answer to.
The teacher’s response was to one specific child only.
However, Carol incorrectly assumed that anyone asking questions, no matter how legitimate, would get the same hostile response.
This example shows how important it is to be consistent and loving mirrors for our children.
Children are astute and base their decisions on observations; however, they may lack pertinent information, as the above story illustrates.
Listen carefully to your children’s comments and ask yourself, “Are there assumptions that distort the experience?” or “Is there missing information that will help inform them and help build confidence?
Related reading: "Critical to Help Boost Your Teen's Self-Esteem."
Replace Praise with Genuine Encouragement
The fifth way to enhance self-esteem in children is one of my favorites, even for my now-adult children!
Praise is what most of us are accustomed to hearing and giving. It automatically flows off our tongues without a thought.
- “I’m so proud of you!
- “What a good girl/boy!”
- “You are so smart!”
- “Good job!”
- "Awesome."
Praise alone can create children dependent upon what others think of them rather than what they think of themselves.
Too much praise without meaningful feedback can cause children to do things to please others. When children receive continual praise, they look outside of themselves for approval and validation, which creates a lack of intrinsic motivation and greater compliance with peers during teenage years.
We recommend using encouragement instead of praise. It is a subtle difference in language and thinking with incredible results!
Rather than say, "Good boy/girl!" say, "I really appreciate how you cheerfully cleaned up after dinner without being asked."
Rather than say, "Awesome," say, "What impressed me about your science project was how unique and creative your idea was. Plus, you tackled problem-solving like a pro."
Yep! Encouraging feedback takes practice and keen observation but it's well worth it!
Encouragement gives specific feedback that enriches and encourages the child to focus on and repeat positive behaviors, constructive actions, and notable traits. It builds a growth mindset brick by brick.
There’s no harm in occasional praise—but when overused, praise can cause children to look outside themselves for approval and acceptance.
If children feel they are okay only as long as they have someone else’s approval, they can develop the belief that other people’s opinions and ideas are more important than their own.
Related reading: “Parenting: Don’t Praise Your Children.”
Wrap-up
I was talking with a mom recently that couldn’t read a parenting book because of the weight of the guilt she felt of doing parenting “wrong.” It’s critical to not use new skills and information to get down on yourself as a parent.
We all do our best so we must have self-compassion.
Start today, guilt-free.
Practice one new approach or skill until it becomes a habit and you are the master of it, then introduce another one.
Above all, take care of yourselves and be patient when you make a mistake. Remember, to model self-care and self-acceptance to your children, too. If our cup is empty, it is difficult to give joyfully.
CREDIT: The principles in this blog are taught in the Redirecting Children's Behavior book and course by Kathryn Kvols strongly influenced by the work of Rudolf Dreikurs, MD, author of the highly acclaimed book, Children: The Challenge., .If interested on becoming an instructor or attending a class at the Heartmanity Center, please email support@heartmanity.com
If you'd like parenting support, reach out to Heartmanity for a parenting coach. Transforming lives and families IS our business!
