In a Wall Street Journal article, columnist Elizabeth Bernstein writes about the challenge of marriage between an ardent planner and a partner who prefers to be spontaneous. Perhaps you’ve known people in a marriage like that—or maybe you’re one of them! In my work with couples, I have heard many a planner call their spouse passive-aggressive or the spontaneous one refer to their spouse as a control freak.
Good Relationships Honor Differences
As the saying goes, opposites attract. But unfortunately, after the proverbial honeymoon is over, we can begin to indulge our human tendency to judge our spouse for not operating the way we do. The truth is that each way has pros and cons, gifts and pitfalls, and we have much to learn from one another.
The real challenge of relationships is not the differences between spouses but how we respond to those differences.
Whether we view our differences as a thorn in our side or an opportunity to grow determines whether a couple will learn to value each other, their relationship, and their closeness more than their differences.
Are you a planner? Probably you have great planning and time management skills, and possibly you’re goal oriented. Typically, you’re a doer and know how to make things happen—and you’re always on time. Also typically, you might not be as good at relaxing and accepting the unexpected.
Or do you prefer to “wing it”? Probably you are great at just being, going with the flow, and seizing opportunities. You’re a risk taker, you’re open to new experiences, and you have a lot of fun and adventure. Keeping to a schedule and getting things done, though—that’s another matter.
Now, planners, tell the truth: weren’t you attracted to your partner’s spontaneity? Risk taking? Sense of adventure? And you spontaneity junkies: didn’t you admire your partner for being organized and able to get so many things accomplished?
So, what happened?
Often, couples look to each other to fill the gaps within themselves, and then try to lean on one another instead of standing securely in their individuality. Then we may begin to resent the very things that attracted us to each other in the first place—because they are different from the way we do things. For example, a person who wings it and easily goes with the flow may rely too heavily on the planner to make things happen in their social life, and then feel claustrophobic and confined by a set schedule. And the planner may find their partner’s refusal to think ahead excruciatingly uncomfortable.
Don't Fall into the Trap of Making Your Partner Wrong
So we can fall into the trap of using our differences as a way to make our partner wrong, which only generates friction, distance, and perpetual conflicts that wear couples down. We fight against our partner’s differences and judge them.
But wait—isn’t this a perfect situation for exchanging our unique qualities and gifts?
What we want to create is a thriving relationship in which each of us is stimulated by our differences to become better. We can use our differences as a springboard to balance our perceptions of the world, develop skills that may be weak or absent, and make our life together a fun adventure.
Related Reading: Advice from numerous couples writing in to columnist Elizabeth Bernstein, "The Best Advice of the Year"
How to Make a Relationship Work When There Are Annoying Differences
TIP 1 Get curious.
Often when we get curious about our partner's behavior and what they value, it can quickly turn frustration into understanding. For instance, if your partner is a planner, find out why having a plan is so important to him or her. And if you're spontaneous, find ways to maintain spontaneity while also planning ahead where it matters most to your partner.
TIP 2 Call to mind specific ways your partner's trait helps to strengthen your relationship.
By putting your attention briefly on the gift of their quality (instead of the frustration), it helps shift negative emotions to appreciation. Once we regain our perspective, we start recognizing that they really aren't trying to make our life hard! In fact, their view of the world opens a new viewpoint for us!
TIP 3 Carve time for quality togetherness.
With schedules too full, we can find ourselves only relaying logistics or details necessary to make life work. Differences are magnified and most testy when our lives are stressed. If you find yourself grumbling about your partner, chances are you haven't had an enjoyable time together recently. Regularly reserve fun or relaxing time as a couple. Find activities you both enjoy. Invest in the relationship by doing more of the things that create greater closeness.
And that just might be the recipe for living happily ever after!
To fine-tune your relationship, consider couples mentoring.