In a Wall Street Journal article, columnist Elizabeth Bernstein writes about the challenge of marriage between an ardent planner and a partner who prefers to be spontaneous.
Perhaps you’ve known people in a marriage like that—or maybe you’re one of them. In my work with couples, I have heard many a planner call their spouse passive-aggressive, or the spontaneous one refer to their spouse as a control freak. Regardless of what differences, marriage conflict is inevitable!
So, how do we successfully bridge differences in our relationships?
Estimated reading time: 4 minutes
You've probably heard that opposites attract.
However, a new 2023 study debunks this idea finding that the majority of relationships (as many as 89%) chose partners who were similar.
Nonetheless, you may have been attracted to the adventurousness of your partner because you dreamt of being more adventurous. You may have chosen someone who was a planner because you yearned for more stability.
The truth is that each person's personality, temperament traits, and behaviors have pros and cons, gifts and pitfalls, and we have a lot to learn from one another if we are willing. Differences in your relationship can make your lives richer!
Relationship Conflicts and Differences in Relationships:
How to Honor Differences
The real challenge of relationships is not the differences but how we view and respond to those differences.
Differences in a relationship are to be expected. However, if we view our partner's differences as a flaw and a thorn in our side, we are far more likely to handle them with criticism.
And just going along with our partner isn't the solution either. Compliance and people-pleasing, or an argument that turns to compromise rarely leads to a happy relationship.
How you frame the person's behavior and their unique qualities will determine if that diversity is a strength in your relationship. By viewing our differences as positive and fuel to bring out the best in both of you, we approach conflict with openness and love.
A couple needs to learn how to value each other, their love, and the closeness of their relationship more than the differences that may create tension. Think of the tautness as creative tension, stretching us to be more whole, more patient, and more integrated.
Then those "flaws" become the foundation of a healthy relationship.
Sure, it would be much easier to be with a carbon copy of ourselves and BORING! Remembering that this IS the person you love will help to build common ground.
Navigate differences intentionally. Two people may have different perspectives, but they also have points of compatibility often found in core values.
Related reading: "Love Is a Choice—the Best Marriage Advice!"
Identify Core Values as a Foundation for Understanding
A long-lasting relationship requires us to step back, have a willingness to be open-minded, and see a new way through the lens of our partner.
Let's look at a few differences between couples that are common, but often rooted in core values.
Are you a planner?
You may have great planning and time management skills, and possibly you’re goal-oriented. Typically, you’re a doer and know how to make things happen—and you’re always on time. Also similarly, you might not be as good at relaxing and adapting to change or the unexpected.
One of your core values could be accomplishment, constancy, responsibility, or security.
Or do you prefer to “wing it” and be spontaneous?
You may be great at just being, going with the flow, and seizing opportunities. You may be a risk-taker, open to new experiences, and have a lot of fun and adventure. Keeping to a schedule and getting things done, though—that’s another matter.
Now, planners, tell the truth: weren’t you attracted to the spontaneity of your partner? Risk-taking? Sense of adventure? And adventure and spontaneity junkies: didn’t you admire your partner for being organized and able to get so many things accomplished? Oh, and how you love them planning and setting up the logistics for traveling!
Some of the core values of a person who is spontaneous are fun, adventure, freedom, resiliency, and pleasure.
So, what happened?
Now, you find yourself frustrated and judging the very things that were once attractive about your partner
Often, couples look to each other to fill the gaps within themselves and then try to lean on one another instead of standing securely in their individuality. Then we may begin to resent the very things that attracted us to each other in the first place—because they are different from the way we do things.
For example, a person who wings it and easily goes with the flow may rely too heavily on the planner to make things happen in their social life and then feel claustrophobic and confined by a set or too hectic of a schedule. And the planner may find their partner’s refusal to think ahead excruciatingly frustrating and discomforting.
Related reading: Relationship Rescue: Turn Complaints into Closeness.
Relationship Conflict: Don't Fall into the Trap of Making Your Partner Wrong
So we can fall into the trap of using our differences as a way to make our partner wrong, which only generates friction, distance, and perpetual conflicts that wear couples down. We fight against our partner’s differences and judge them. Comparison is natural; it's what our brains are constantly doing to make sense of the world and ourselves.
But wait—isn’t this a perfect situation for exchanging our unique qualities and gifts?
Yes, it is a great opportunity! However, we also like the comfort of similarity; people like ourselves affirm us.
What we want to create is a thriving relationship in which each of us is stimulated by our differences to become better. We can use our differences as a springboard to balance our perceptions of the world, develop skills that may be underdeveloped, and make our lives together a fun adventure.
We get into trouble when we become shortsighted when we only focus on the downside of our partner's qualities. Remember, there is a pro and a con. The magic happens when you can fully appreciate your differences to make you both better and develop win-win agreements for challenges.
Deep Dive: "The Stop, Drop, and Roll of Successful Communication in Relationships."
How to Transform Relationship Conflicts to Understanding
TIP 1: Get curious about what's important to your partner.
Often when we get curious about our partner's behavior and what they value, it quickly turns frustration into understanding.
For instance, if your partner is a planner, find out why having a plan is so important to him or her. Typically, it creates a sense of stability and security knowing what is ahead. It can also be pleasurable to have a special event or vacation planned to look forward to.
And if you're spontaneous, find ways to maintain spontaneity while also planning ahead where it matters most to your partner. There are plenty of times you can follow your impulses to adventure. Nothing is preventing you from fulfilling your desires through new hobbies and interests. Or when you run into an old friend and want to chat or go out to a Brewery, you can... as long as you communicate with your partner.
The difficulties that arise in most relationships stem from a lack of communication, not our differences!
Related reading: "How to Improve Communication to Create a Drama-Free Marriage."
TIP 2: Call to mind specific ways your partner's traits help to strengthen your relationship and benefit you.
Directing your attention to the gift of their specific quality (instead of the frustration) helps shift negative emotions to appreciation.
For instance, my husband is great at chilling and a wonderful conversationalist. Sometimes that relaxed nature of his can annoy me, especially if he's not completing projects or my to-do list gets too long.
Then I call to mind the enormous patience and support he brings to our relationship and family with his steadfastness and stability. I remember how often he is there to support our children, how quickly he volunteers to change my flat tire or jump my daughter's dead battery in her car, or encourage me when stressed, and soon, my frustrations melt like a spoonful of butter in a hot pan!
Once we regain our perspective, we start recognizing that they really aren't trying to make our lives hard.
Their view of the world opens a new perspective for us, enabling us to stretch and become more of ourselves.
TIP 3: Carve time for quality togetherness regularly.
With schedules too full, we can find ourselves only relaying logistics or details necessary to make life work. Our differences and conflicts are magnified and most testy when our lives are stressed.
If you find yourself grumbling about your partner, chances are you haven't had an enjoyable time together recently.
Regularly reserve fun or relaxing time as a couple. Find activities you both enjoy. Nurture your relationship by doing more of the things that create greater closeness.
Keep your eye on what you love about your partner!
And that just might be the recipe for living happily ever after!
To fine-tune your relationship, consider couples mentoring or premarital counseling to ensure you have the skills for a long and healthy marriage.
