We may have hard heads but we don’t have rock-solid hearts—our hearts are soft and vulnerable. In committed relationships, we need a lot of understanding to build bridges, especially when our needs collide with our partner’s.
Do you know how to advocate for your needs without getting into an argument?
Estimated reading time: 3 minutes
Are You Personalizing Your Partner's Behavior?
One of the things we tend to do in relationships is personalize our partner’s behavior when they are acting out their stress or unresolved emotions. When we personalize their behavior, our feelings often get hurt—and then we sometimes either lash out or disconnect from our partner to protect ourselves. Neither tactic creates more closeness or love in our relationship.
Relationship commitment doesn't mean that there won't be issues and conflicts.
Often when one or both in a relationship are reacting, they are personalizing their partner's behavior even when it has nothing to do with them. Knee-jerk reactions do not support conflict resolution.
A simple yet powerful practice is depersonalizing your partner's behavior. By detaching and seeing your partner’s behavior more objectively, it allows you to discern the underlying need instead of reacting to behavior.
This mindset involves consciously stepping back and detaching from the immediate emotional response, allowing you to view your partner’s actions with a more objective lens.
By doing so, you create the space to discern the underlying needs or emotions that may be driving their behavior—and yours!—rather than reacting to the surface behaviors. This perspective shift creates greater understanding and empathy and equips you to respond thoughtfully AND constructively, paving the way for true resolution and deeper connection.
So the next time your partner is stressed and it feels like they are taking it out on you, practice the steps below to get better results: more understanding, more closeness, and more love.
Related reading: "Mirror, Mirror, on the Wall..."
GET A FRESH PERSPECTIVE:
Steps for Depersonalizing Your Partner's Behavior
Our perspective determines how we feel in our marriage and relationship. Learning to shift our perspective is one of the most valuable skills you can learn to increase success in relationships.
Here's a scenario as we walk through the steps of depersonalizing your partner's behavior.
Imagine your partner has just returned home from work. He or she immediately erupts and makes a stinging remark to you.
STEP 1: Mirror and empathize with your partner’s feelings.
For example, “You must be really stressed! It’s so unlike you to lash out at me.” Or use mirroring with a boundary: “Looks like you’re upset. I’ll be in the living room when you’re calmer and ready to talk about what’s bothering you.”
By helping your partner feel understood, you've already deescalated the situation while also taking care of yourself. Sometimes, it's necessary to calm yourself beforehand.
Empathy is one of the greatest EQ skills to learn and practice.
STEP 2: Consciously depersonalize through supportive self talk.
Self-talk is at the root of many problems. If you have an inner critic dragging you down, relationship can become a battleground or a safe place to discover self-love and acceptance.
What we say to ourselves either calms or amplifies our emotional state. It's key to raise your awareness of what you're telling yourself.
Just because you think it, doesn't mean it's true!
Typical mental responses in the middle of relational conflict go something like this:
- "He's such a jerk! I don't know why I bother!"
- "She is never appreciative of anything I do."
- "They have no idea how hard I try and nothing is ever good enough!"
- "Here we go again, I was feeling pretty good before they got home and blew up."
To reframe your partner's behavior and support yourself in a new perspective, you'll need to think differently.
For example, in the above scenario, you could say to yourself instead:
- “This isn’t about me. He’s just had a rough day.”
- “Don’t take it personally. Maybe she’s feeling overwhelmed.”
- "Is what I'm saying to myself true or is it just because I'm upset?"
- "He/she/they must need support and understanding. I'll let them chill out and then get curious."
- "Love is a choice and I choose to love them even when it's hard."
What you think and say to yourself has power. Be mindful.
STEP 3: Take care of yourself and self-calm.
Self-care in a relationship is critical so you’re ready to connect when your partner regains their center. When we ignore our own needs for too long, it's easy to fall into the blame game and take out our feelings on our partner.
Learning to regulate our emotions is vital in building ease in a relationship. Our emotions and needs are our responsibility. Listen and act.
We sometimes want to hurt back or punish our partner for their unkind behavior. Be sure that you are calm and feel loving before you reconnect with your partner.
STEP 4: Check in with your partner.
When you've had a disagreement with your partner and you've chosen to take space, if they don’t reconnect with you in a reasonable amount of time, check in with your partner and see if they're ready to talk.
It only takes one person to transform a relationship or a tense situation.
Developing emotional maturity and emotional intelligence is crucial and many of us are missing tools in our relationship tool-belt. Being a magnet for love and understanding is a key to happy relationships.
STEP 5: Revisit and talk about the situation with your partner when you are both calm.
When you talk things over at a calm time, you will discover important information that can be used to support the relationship moving forward.
For instance, perhaps certain times of the day or specific situations are particularly difficult for one or both of you. If so, design a plan to better handle similar situations in the future.
Or if you find that your individual needs are competing, such as the need for alone time or exercise, then discuss a way for both of you to get your needs met regularly.
A couple rarely reaches greater understanding or resolution without communicating, so make communication a priority. When you commit to each other in this way, you build a solid foundation for closeness and ease in the relationship.
STEP 6: Assess how you’re doing.
Tweak as necessary to make your resolutions and agreements more successful. Ensure that you're keeping agreements, and if not, determine what got in the way.
Each time you refine your strategies (and apply them!), understanding will increase. When we have a plan ahead of time, we often don't feel as helpless or need to control our partner, which results in faster resolution next time.
STEP 7: Carve time and space in your lives for quality time together.
Relationships need attention to grow and thrive. Our lives are busy so we need to be intentional in building the quality of relationship you want. Reserve time to be together without distractions or stress.
Family activities, work demands, and life’s challenges can be relentless to juggle daily. We’re all human, and we make mistakes. At any moment, a stressful day or a disappointment or an event we were unprepared for can spark negative feelings and an unloving exchange or argument. So when you feel like you might snap or growl or snarl… it’s time to take a break, breathe, and reconnect with yourself.
And when your partner is the one growling, depersonalize their behavior and practice the above steps to prevent relationship collisions.
Related reading: "Love Is a Choice—the Best Marriage Advice."
For support or more information about couples mentoring, contact Heartmanity.
