One of the biggest triggers in a relationship or marriage is personalizing your partner's behavior. This one relationship tendency causes a multitude of misunderstandings, verbal disagreements, and arguments. When we are offended by our spouse's snarky remarks or disrespect, our defenses rise and we position ourselves for a comeback, or a cold war!
How do we hold the line for respect while refraining from hurtful behavior ourselves?
Estimated reading time: 5 minutes
Granted, it can be difficult to respond with love when angry emotions, verbal darts, or childish behavior are wielded our way. Understandably so. When we commit our love to one another, we expect respect, support, and love.
Relationships Are Like Billiards: Learn to Play Like a Pro!
Relationship is a lot like a game of billiards or pool.
You chalk the tip of the cue in preparation. But once you aim and hit the white ball, you never exactly know how the balls are going to fly or interact with one another.
The more mastery you have in playing the game, the more you can make accurate predictions.
The more deliberate you are, the better the result.
The greater the skill, experience, and knowledge you have about the game, the more successful the outcome.
It is the same in love and marriage.
Relationships require loving aim and continual practice.
Whether you are aware of it or not, unmanaged emotions often hijack our and our partner's energy and behavior, just like the chaos that ensues when a player breaks the balls at the beginning of a game of pool.
That's why emotional regulation is critical!
The limbic brain, also referred to as the emotional or mammalian brain, can quickly override rational thinking.
However, knee-jerk reactions rarely have good outcomes. And the accumulative decisions we make determine the quality of our relationship and life, impacting our future.
Read more on the limbic brain and how to use mindfulness to enhance your relationship.
We may have hard heads like those balls knocking around on a pool table but we don't have rock-solid hearts. Our hearts are soft and vulnerable.
In relationships, we need a lot of understanding to build bridges, especially when our needs and differences collide.
One of the things we tend to do is personalize our partner's behavior when they are acting out their stress or pain.
Whenever we make their behavior mean something about us, our feelings usually get hurt. And sometimes, we lash out or disconnect from our partner to protect ourselves.
Neither creates more love in the relationship.
This dynamic is one of the most common relationship problems.
Related reading: "Love Deliberately Like a Grandmaster Plays Chess."
Stop Saying Hurtful Things in a Marital Fight
Either person in a relationship can have a sharp tongue and say hurtful things. However, the only thing you can control is YOU.
When your partner says something hurtful, the tendency is to hurt back. We react in hurtful ways to show them that we are hurting, but it backfires big-time.
Many marital fights start with one careless comment (often unintended) and create a lot of hard feelings that could have been avoided with emotional restraint and self-control.
Refrain from saying hurtful things.
Self-calm before lashing out.
Say to your partner, "I'm feeling hurt and can't discuss this right now." or "I love you and if I say anything, it's going to be hurtful so I'm going to take some space."
If you just walk away without letting them know what's going on, your partner is much more likely to pursue you. This way, they will understand where you're coming from, which eases the feeling of rejection.
When things are too tense, it's time to take a break and calm down.
What to Do When Your Partner Says Hurtful Things: Depersonalize!
One simple yet powerful practice is depersonalizing your partner's behavior so that we are better equipped to respond instead of reacting.
Depersonalizing helps us unplug and see our partner's behavior more objectively, which then allows us to discern the underlying need.
Don't confuse this conscious strategy with depersonalization, where you are disassociated from your body or the situation. Here we're talking about a temporary reframe of your partner, their behavior, and the situation to calm and stay connected to yourself and your partner lovingly.
So when your partner is stressed and it feels like they are taking it out on you, practice the steps below to get better results: more understanding, more closeness, more love.
Related reading: "Love Is a Choice: the Best Marriage Advice"
Relational Fitness: 7 Steps for Depersonalizing Your Partner's Behavior
STEP 1: Mirror your partner's feelings.
Mirroring is an emotional intelligence skill that helps a person feel heard and understood. The more accurate we are in our empathetic responses, the more effective we become. (If you're a man and you think you lack empathy for your partner, check out these EQ skills to practice.)
This strategy requires us to depersonalize our partner's behavior and simply be a calm pool for them to better see themselves and self-correct.
For example, "Wow! You must be really stressed! It's so unlike you to lash out at me."
Or use relational mirroring with a boundary:
"Looks like you need some space. I'll be in the backyard when you're calmer and ready to connect." Or "I get that this has been a tough work week for you, and I'm unwilling to be spoken to like that. Let's talk after you've had a chance to decompress."
These reflective responses help the person understand their impact on you and take responsibility for their words, emotions, and actions.
STEP 2: Consciously depersonalize through supportive self-talk.
What you say internally matters in how you will feel toward your partner. It's crucial to pay attention to your thoughts. If you are thinking "Why did I ever marry this person—what a terrible decision!" or "Why did I ever think they loved me? Clearly they don't care!"
Instead, say to yourself: "This isn't about me. They just had a rough day." or "Don't take it personally. They are probably feeling overwhelmed at work." or "Looks like they could use some TLC."
By redirecting your thoughts to a more loving and understanding stance, your aim will produce far better results!
STEP 3: Take care of yourself.
When we have a conflict with our partner, many times, it happens when we haven't taken care of ourselves. And even in the middle of a disagreement, it's critical to take care of ourselves.
When we take time to self-calm or set healthy boundaries, we're then ready to connect with our partner when they regain their center.
CAUTION: We sometimes want to hurt back or punish our partner for their behavior. Be sure that you are feeling loving before you reconnect. Ask for what you need.
STEP 4: Check in with your partner.
A common problem for couples is the habit of taking space when things get heated but then never circling back to talk through what happened or resolve the conflict.
Of course, individual space is vital, especially if they lash out in anger, but it's also important to remember to repair, discuss, and strategize to avoid repetitive arguments in the future.
If your partner doesn't reconnect with you in a reasonable amount of time, take the initiative to check in with them. This gesture shows you care and are willing to resolve whatever differences you may have had.
STEP 5: Do something loving for your partner when your heart prompts you.
The intention of this loving act is not to manipulate your partner or grovel in guilt for a mistake you might have made.
This action is heart-driven from a sincere and authentic place to reconnect. It's too easy to stay stuck in our grievances and let the hurts linger, overshadowing our relationship with a dark cloud.
By doing a kind act or apologizing empathetically for your part in an interchange that soured, you are leaning into the hurt and letting it go. Your love is taking the lead, which is healing for both of you!
STEP 6: Revisit and discuss the situation with your partner, especially
if there is a pattern forming.
A rare or one-time occurrence probably doesn't warrant a major discussion. However, if the issue is repetitive or there's a common theme in arguments or the triggers for you or your partner are a rerun, it's time for a heart-to-heart.
Disrupting negative patterns and finding solutions to form loving habits is essential for happy and healthy relationships. Find a good time to discuss a way for both of you to get your needs met regularly and avoid disagreements in the future.
Related reading: "Are You Tolerating Disrespect in Your Relationships?"
STEP 7: Together, assess how you're doing!
It's one thing to decide how you want to handle disagreements and conflicts in the future. However, it's a whole different plan to track, assess, and readjust our strategy for relationship success!
Keeping an eye on how we are communicating and if we are making effort to course-correct in a marriage is a part of nurturing the bond and investing in positive change as a couple.
Here are some possible questions to ask yourself or discuss as a couple:
- Have you completely disregarded your agreement or promises you made together?
- Are you making a daily effort to work on what was discussed?
- Is one of you doing the majority of the emotional labor?
- Are you showing your partner that you're sincere about your commitments for more loving and respectful connection?
- Were the discussion and agreements made backed by action or forgotten?
Try these steps to diffuse emotions, communicate better, and reconnect in deeper love with your partner.
If you'd like personalized support to better communicate in your relationship or learn relationship skills, email us at support@heartmanity.com.
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