As a parent coach, I see all kinds of parenting styles. I’ve seen firsthand how challenging it can be when parents disagree on how their children should be raised and disciplined. These differences can be a source of continual arguments in nuclear and blended families alike.
Are you ready for a new perspective and strategy to co-parent harmoniously?
Estimated reading time: 4 minutes
Let’s start with the downside of conflicted parenting styles. Examining the consequences can be a motivator to move from conflict to greater understanding.
The Effects of Conflicting Parenting Styles on Marriage and Children
Consistency in parenting is critical for children’s security. To be consistent as a parent is hard enough when both parents agree and have the support of their spouse. Different parenting styles add an entirely new challenge that creates significant issues in a marriage. With blended families, you have two sets of parents trying to navigate the maze!
Depending on how dramatic the differences are, a marriage can be disrupted by ongoing conflict, which often erodes intimacy and connection between couples. The relationship's love gets eclipsed by power struggles, irritation, and extra stressors. The mismatch can become an unpleasant paintball fight, seeking to nail every shortcoming of your partner’s parenting and come out clean yourself.
Everyone desires to be heard and respected and their beliefs honored. For parents, being seen and "felt" by their partner is especially true with something as precious as parenting children. If one or both of you don’t feel heard, you are likely at odds continually on how to handle parenting decisions. There can be strife from the smallest to the most critical.
When parents have opposing parenting approaches, such as an authoritative parenting style versus a permissive one, communication often becomes a sparring match. The double messages in communication are often confusing and disconcerting for children.
Here are some possible effects on the couple and their relationship when parents do not resolve their differences:
- Each parent typically feels undermined by their partner.
- Parents may worry that their partner will object to decisions made in their absence.
- Partners sometimes pit the children against the other parent in an attempt to prove they’re right or that they’re the better parent.
- Resentment builds and comes out unexpectedly, sometimes ruining pleasant family times.
- Parents may not discipline behaviors because they feel guilty about the marital conflicts.
- The couples’ communication significantly decreases because they’re afraid that if they talk, it will end up in an argument.
- Differences can lead to a role imbalance, where one parent is seen as the disciplinarian and the other as the “fun” parent.
- One partner acquiesces but blocks or sabotages decisions indirectly.
- One parent seeks to be the “good parent” by putting down their spouse.
- Conflicted parenting may distract parents significantly, and children may miss out on positive validation, or a parent can overcompensate by giving too much attention and praise.
Are any of these happening in your marriage and co-parenting?
Couples that I’ve coached usually loathe this discord. They are just stuck in the dynamic, feeling helpless to know how to get out of it.
Impact on children and teens when parents are conflicted in parenting styles:
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Children get stuck in the middle and feel pulled between parents.
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Children pick up on the tangible tension between their parents and sometimes misbehave.
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Children may feel uncertain about their parents’ expectations, leading to confusion and insecurity.
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Sometimes, children may struggle with emotional regulation because they lack emotional support and guidance in handling their feelings.
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Children can sometimes play one parent against another to get what they want, which sets an unhealthy precedent.
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Children usually lack a healthy role model for conflict resolution and cooperation.
Related reading: "The Stop, Drop, and Roll of Successful Communication in Relationships."
How to Unite for Consistency in Co-Parenting
What if I told you that your differences could be turned into a valuable resource?
Yes, you heard me right.
Disagreements and different parenting philosophies can be amazing goldmines and opportunities for understanding and greater richness in your marriage WHEN your differences are approached with openness and respect.
You can work together to create a cohesive and supportive parenting environment, even if your styles differ. It takes a couple being intentional and truly listening to one another.
It's worth the effort because your children need the best of both of you!
Learn the steps to building a bridge and getting on the same parenting page while maximizing the strengths of both of you.
5 Steps to Overcome Parenting Style Differences
Understanding how parenting styles impact marriage is essential for building a strong and resilient partnership. When parents prioritize open communication, active listening, and empathy, their differences become a rich resource instead of a battleground.
A collaborative approach to parenting can help couples navigate conflicts and strengthen their relationship. Using parenting style awareness to strengthen your relationship can help build a stronger bond.
STEP 1: Increase your awareness about your own parenting style.
The goal is to gain insights into your unique approach and its potential shortcomings.
Sometimes, parents are so busy fighting over their spouse doing parenting wrong that they neglect to understand their own parenting style and its drawbacks. It’s not about who’s right or wrong.
For instance, years ago, I worked with a couple and they constantly told each other that they were parenting all wrong. The mom thought the dad was too harsh, and his reactions were disproportionate to the children’s behaviors. The dad thought the mom was a “pushover” and way too soft, spoiling the kids and not preparing them for the world.
In one coaching session, I turned to the mom and said, “Do you want to see your children ready and prepared for the world?”
“Yes, of course!” she replied.
And don’t you agree that respect and obedience are important, especially if the children are at risk?”
She responded with enthusiastic agreement.
Then I turned to the father and asked, “Do you value kindness and empathy?”
“Absolutely!” the dad responded.
Then, he continued, “But if the kids are in danger and their life is threatened, it’s not time to be concerned with kindness. You need to get them out of harm’s way!”
This time, both his wife and I agreed.
Their parenting styles collided because they represented different values. Yet, both were right!
They needed to be firm AND kind!
They were so busy compensating for their partner’s behavior and parenting style that they hadn’t considered each other’s reasons and the values driving their behavior.
Both parents shared a common purpose: they wanted what was best for their children. And I’d guess that’s true for you, too!
Take the initiative to learn about your parenting style. This proactive step can give you a sense of control and understanding in your co-parenting relationship.
- What might be an area that doesn’t create the result you want?
- Are you parenting from your heart or parenting in reaction to your partner?
- Do you minimize or negate your partner’s concerns?
- What are your parenting strengths? Weaknesses?
- What is one parenting strength that your partner has that you can learn from?
Learning how you parent and the pros and cons of your style will build compassion for your partner.
Often, one parent holds the strength that their partner lacks.
By seeking to understand your parenting shortcomings, you can appreciate differences and work together.
Helpful reading: "What Style of Parenting Are You: What's the Best One?"
STEP 2: Put things in perspective.
The second step after understanding your own parenting style is to be honest with yourself. Admit that your partner has parenting strengths, too, even if imperfect.
Look at the bigger picture and find the good in your spouse's parenting.
For example, when my children were young, it seemed like my husband gave in to our kids too easily, especially around food choices. I believed in a healthy diet; however, whenever I was away, he would order pizza—he loves pizza and could eat it three times a week—or he'd swing by McDonalds for dinner.
Initially, it created friction between us. Even if I packed and left healthy snacks and frozen healthy meals, my husband would still give in to fast food.
Then I looked at the bigger picture and our important goals and vision as parents for our children, such as teaching them to be kind and respectful of others.
With this insight, the times my kids ate junk food seemed insignificant; it was such a small percentage of the time.
A profound truth jumped out. My husband was a wonderful father: he was immensely kind, never missed any of our children's sports or school events, and was attentive to them even when extremely tired. His model of love and kindness was an indispensable building block to their character.
I realized that occasional “fun food” wasn’t as big of a deal as I was making it out to be. My husband was a mirror for me to learn how to relax and have more fun.
Sometimes, lightening up and adding a touch of fun in the middle of conflict can diffuse the tension and put things in perspective.
Related reading: "Positive Parenting Solutions."
STEP 3: Determine each other’s parenting strengths.
Too often, couples have their eye on what their partner is doing wrong instead of what they’re doing right.
It’s human nature to see everything through our own reality lens. However, in relationships and parenting, focusing on what our partner does wrong instead of right is a recipe for disaster.
Try to look at what they do well; find their parenting strengths.
Focus on areas where you align rather than on differences. Consider how your partner might balance your parenting style out in a good way.
Acknowledge each other’s strengths as parents.
For instance, you might say, "I really admire how patient you are when helping our children with homework." Instead of, “You never help with the bedtime routine.” This positive approach creates an encouraging atmosphere and reinforces teamwork.
STEP 4: Communicate openly, lovingly, and respectfully.
Have regular conversations about your values, parenting approaches, goals, and concerns.
Listen to understand each other's perspectives without judgment. Don't just plot your rebuttal while they're talking!
By understanding what each of you is making important, you will find common ground and unify on behalf of your children.
This process requires identifying shared values and parenting priorities to build a foundation of agreement. Look for creative solutions that incorporate elements of both styles.
Discussing a collaborative parenting plan can help you establish clear boundaries, expectations, and goals. When parents prioritize their shared goals and values, such as raising responsible and compassionate children, all feel it, and decisions can spring from this agreement.
This commitment to finding common ground will build goodwill, assist you when conflicts happen, and strengthen your relationship. When our styles differ, it gives us a chance to enlarge our capacity to love.
STEP 5: Nurture your relationship.
One of the best ways to resolve conflicts and appreciate differences is by nurturing a resilient and loving partnership.
Sustaining and fanning the fires of love alongside parenthood’s challenges often prevents much of the stress and disagreements.
Prioritize date nights and relationship time, making it a natural part of every week. When the relationship is connected, and you're both feeling loved by your partner, it is much easier to discuss varying perspectives.
Maintaining a healthy and happy marriage and caring for the relationship is the glue that binds the entire family together.
While differing parenting styles happen in families, there are emotionally intelligent ways for couples to work through their differences for the well-being of their children.
The above strategies will help to approach parenting together and utilize the strengths of each style without undermining the other parent.
Parent Together with Love and Respect
It’s okay to have different approaches to parenting; what's important is how you work together to find solutions that honor both perspectives.
Modeling is one of the most powerful ways to parent. Being an example of the virtues you want your children to learn is the shortest route to success.
By working together, you strengthen your marriage and provide your children with the stability and love they need to thrive.
It's not about being perfect parents but about being present, supportive, and united in your efforts to raise happy, healthy children.
You got this!
And if you want a parenting coach to support you and find common ground in co-parenting, we're here to help! Contact us at support@heartmanity.com.
