Parents yell and lose their patience, after all, they're human. However, many parents make it all the way through adulthood without yelling—until a toddler willfully says no, a 4-year-old refuses to put on his shoes, or a teenager worries them after missing their curfew.
Positive parenting begins with self-care, yet even when we take good care of ourselves as parents, children can throw some doozy curve balls. That's when parenting skills come in handy!
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Are Your Kids Driving You Crazy? How to Stop Yelling at Your Kids
So how do we prevent yelling or knee-jerk reactions?
The first priority is to take care of yourself as a parent. With our very full lives, it's so easy to forget to take care of yourself, but when we do, it shows—we're more irritable and less patient. We also move to efficiency to check things off our lists and children can become an "inconvenience" while we rush through our lives.
The time you spend at the gym or on a date with your spouse will make all the difference! Reserve daily ME time!
Related reading: "What's All the Fuss About Self-Care?"
The Real Effects of Yelling at Kids
I find that a parent's short fuse is often followed by a “scream hangover.” That's the terrible guilt you feel after yelling at a cute child who truly means no harm. Forgive yourself and apologize. Parenting is a difficult job.
Short fuses are shorter with lousy self-care so take care of yourself!
For greater motivation for keeping the peace, let's look at the real effects that yelling has on children in Parents magazine. In addition to this article, we spoke with some pretty knowledgeable psychologists.
Here’s what we learned:
We’re feeling out of control.
Screaming is often our attempt to achieve discipline and control, although it usually has the opposite effect. We can't model or teach our children self-control if we ourselves don't have it!
The child’s side effects are numerous.
These may include creating feelings of shame, diminishing a sense of security and self-esteem, and instilling fear in our children.
Obedience through fear isn't really obedience at all, is it!? Children are only avoiding yelling or punishment; they're not learning the lessons most parents are trying to instill.
Remember, children rely on us for their safety and security. Yelling will cause cortisol to be released and they'll be in defense mode, unable to think or learn from the interaction.
Yelling at kids will not make a child do something.
Yelling activates their emotional fight-or-light brain while shutting down their thinking brain. So, if you yell at a child, she’s going to stop thinking, and if you want your kid to learn, or do what you're asking (and remember it for the future), you need her to be able to think. It makes sense, right?
Yelling can deteriorate your relationship with your child.
Yelling may work in the short term, meaning your child may comply out of fear, but it will deteriorate the relationship and respect in the long run. We don't want our children to obey because they are afraid. Then they don't learn healthy boundary-setting or good decision-making habits. They also miss out on developing emotional regulation skills.
Excessive yelling will likely turn your child into a yeller.
Parents sometimes realize this fact too late. Children can also turn their fear and anger inward, causing them to suffer from depression and passivity. And worst of all, our actions that demand compliance turn our children into people-pleasers!
Related reading: "3 Hidden Mistakes Parents Make that Promote People Pleasing in Children."
Deep Dive: Get the Positive Parenting Online Course to turn yelling and power struggles into loving parenting.
Positive Parenting Solutions: What to Do Instead of Yelling
So what can we do instead of yelling?
Use escape routes to get around your urge to yell.
These actions may include:
Offer choices to your child
Giving children and teens choices is a great way to avoid power struggles and give your child power in an appropriate way.
- “Would you like a waffle or cereal?”
- "Do you want to help with dishes or take out the garbage?"
- "Which would you prefer to do your homework right after school or after you have some downtime?"
Self-calm as needed.
Even sixty seconds to regroup can shift your upset emotions to a calmer approach. Self-regulation is a must-have EQ skill. Here are a few self-calming ideas:
- Step outside for a few minutes and take 10 deep breaths.
- Think of three things you love about your child.
- Count from one hundred backward by seven.
Do the unexpected.
Catching your kids off guard by doing something fun or unexpected is a wonderful way to transform a tense situation. For example, throw big marshmallows at them, one of my favorites when I had younger children! Or keep a Nerf gun close by and fire away when they are whining or when you're beginning to get some push-back from your preteen.
Get in touch with your values and long-term goals.
Often when we're feeling frustrated or we're ready to explode, our attention is on children's "misbehavior," our negative emotions, or a looming bill. Redirecting your attention to the values that you're trying to instill in your child, such as kindness or patience, you'll be reminded of what's truly important.
Use humor to lighten the mood.
Humor is great for everyone and it also helps move negative emotions through us quickly. For instance, twirl your young child or do a silly dance out of the blue with your elementary or preteen child. Or recite a funny joke or share something that happened recently you found comical.
Related reading: "Positive Parenting: 3 Parenting Strategies for Greater Patience."
Let the child find solutions.
Enlisting your child in problem-solving. It's an opportunity to teach them skills while also helping them feel valued.
For instance, if they are always running late in the morning, choose a mellow moment and let them come up with ideas for how to improve. If they create their own schedule or rules, they will be more likely to follow them and cooperate in the future. You can even ask their advice for your own dilemma.
Don’t give in to the whiiiiiine.
With young children, if a child whines, he can be looking for a reaction, be tired, or just plain want their way. When your child whines, ask them to talk in their real voice or their "big boy" or "big girl" voice. And then, DO NOT give them what they want until they stop whining. You can lovingly wait and hold them while they change their tone.
If you can feel yourself getting upset, remove yourself from the situation and self-calm.
Admit when you’ve had it.
Some days after parenting and perhaps working, we are simply tired and irritable. Try to give yourself a moment of alone time, and let the other parent, a relative, or a friend take over until you feel better. Take a gentle walk outside or a relaxing bath; these are nice ways to decompress.
Apologize when you screw up or lose your patience.
If you do yell, don’t be afraid to tell your child that you’re sorry for losing your temper. You’re only admitting that you’re human, and they will understand and feel better. It also models how to take responsibility for those times when we fall short.
Deep Dive: "Empathy and the Empathetic Apology: The New and Improved 'I'm Sorry.'"
Give yourself better self-care as a parent.
As mentioned before, self-care is vital and allows us to be our best as a parent. It is not only a necessity for this extremely challenging job, but by taking care of ourselves, we model a great example for our children.
These suggestions have been used successfully by many parents I've worked with. It feels good to make it through a tough kid situation without turning up the volume, and I know children appreciate it, too! Not to mention that when you don't yell, your children are far less likely to yell. What we model is powerful.
Try some of the parenting tools above—your house will become so harmonious and quiet you won't recognize it!
To learn how to be a peaceful parent, try the Positive Parenting Online Course—more skills enable us to navigate parenting challenges with ease.
And if you'd like personalized support, reach out to Heartmanity. Supporting families is our business! Contact us: support@heartmanity.com.
