It’s common to hear couples complain about behaviors of their partners while wishing their life could be happier. Somehow, we think that if our partner changed, we would be happier. Or we think, “If my partner would stop annoying me, start appreciating me, or be more intimate with me, our relationship would improve.” However, the key lies in our ability to love ourselves.
Estimated reading time: 4 minutes
Honor Differences: the Only Thing We Can Truly Change is Ourselves.
It’s a fallacy that we can change or control another person, no matter how close they are to us or how much we love them.
Take a breath.
Make a decision right now to stop trying to change your partner or anything outside of you. Begin down the beautiful path of loving and appreciating yourself. Only then will you truly discover the magical power of unconditional love.
We can only experience love from our partner
to the extent that we love ourselves.
That’s a powerful statement but think about it for a minute. If you’re constantly stressed, overworking, or bashing yourself mentally, doesn’t that interfere with your ability to receive love?
Or isn't it more likely if you're preoccupied with blame that you might drown out kind gestures made by your partner with complaints?
Related reading: "Love Deliberately Like a Grandmaster Plays Chess."
How Well Do You Love Yourself?
Criticizing is easy; being our best self takes effort and focus.
You may be aware of negative self-talk; the inner critic may be a mental occupant. And maybe you found out the hard way like I did early in my marriage that criticizing your partner doesn’t work. This common behavior usually creates ill feelings that result in hurt and distance in our relationship. If we criticize enough, it becomes habit-forming. Once criticism is a habit, just like a weed taking over a garden, it stunts the growth of love and appreciation.
You might wonder why we complain or criticize when we could just as easily acknowledge the good things in ourselves or our partner.
Back to the question: "How well do you love yourself?"
Part of the answer lies here. If you feel unworthy and are hard on yourself, chances are you’ll be hard on your partner as well. And maybe even be
If you berate yourself, you'll most likely be critical of your partner. What we do to ourselves, we most often do to others. Practice creates a habit. The choice is yours what habit you create.
Try an experiment for one week.
Commit to being kinder to yourself while celebrating your accomplishments no matter how small. Interrupt negative self-talk and replace it with encouraging words. For instance, if you criticize yourself mentally or verbally, require yourself to think of three things you admire or love about yourself whenever you catch self-criticism.
At the end of the week, see if you feel differently. You'll be amazed at what you find! This exercise is simple but far from easy.
How to Change Criticism to Appreciation and Words of Affirmation
A predominant reason we gravitate to criticism is that the brain seeks to keep us safe. And the brain also looks to be better every day, searching and finding what’s wrong to improve our lives. These prevalent tendencies often become the road well-traveled. The good news is that you can retrain your brain to appreciate and make appreciation your new habit. Appreciation for yourself and your partner will nurture your relationship and marriage tremendously.
Spotlight the good.
Replace negative thinking patterns with positivity through gratitude. Train yourself to practice gratitude daily. Practicing gratitude rivets your mind to search for the good instead of the negative. Do it enough and it becomes a habit.
Cultivate the habit of appreciation.
Look for the traits you love and appreciate about your partner. Then appreciate those noteworthy qualities of your partner first mentally. Next, let them know, too. If you do this simple act regularly, you'll see a new openness and ease blossom between you. By appreciating your partner more, you'll discover a new light-heartedness. You'll be more relaxed and receptive to love's gifts.
Focus on all the ways your partner shows his or her love.
Keep an eye out for every act of kindness or love that comes from your partner. As you put your attention on what is loving rather than what is missing or imperfect, you'll feel more love. You'll begin to recognize what a great partner you have! And you might just fall in love all over again!
Imagine what your love relationship
would be like if you tripled your love?
Develop a pattern of appreciation and your marriage will be much happier, and much more harmonious. This way is the road less traveled until it becomes your new norm, a habit that strengthens the very fabric of your lives together.
Dare you to prove me right!
For a step-by-step process to learn how to stop complaining, see our blog titled, Relationship Rescue: Turn Complaints into Closeness and for personalized support that is tailored to you, contact us at support@heartmanity.