--- title: Transform Criticism to Appreciation and Triple Your Love! description: "It's easy to criticize our partner but this pattern destroys relationships. Here's some marriage advice that's simple: steps to triple your love!" image: https://blog.heartmanity.com/hubfs/You-enjoying-your-book%2c-honey-489218959_1885x1592.jpeg --- [![Heartmanity](https://heartmanity.com/wp-content/files/heartmanity-logo-web.png "Heartmanity")](https://heartmanity.com) [Schedule a Conversation](https://heartmanity.as.me/schedule.php?appointmentType=30172362) [Shop](https://heartmanity-services-products.myshopify.com/) [Join the Community](https://heartmanitycommunity.mn.co/) [Get In Touch](https://heartmanity.com/contact/) - [Home](https://heartmanity.com/) - [Our Focus and Expertise](https://heartmanity.com/our-focus-and-expertise/) - [BrainFitness](https://heartmanity.com/brain-fitness/) - [Emotional Intel](https://heartmanity.com/emotional-intel/) - [Habits for Health](https://heartmanity.com/habits-for-health/) - [Relationship Mastery](https://heartmanity.com/relationship-mastery/) - [About](https://heartmanity.com/about/) - [Individuals](https://heartmanity.com/individuals/) - [No-Nonsense Coaching](https://heartmanity.com/no-nonsense-coaching/) - [Return to Serenity](https://heartmanity.com/return-to-serenity/) - [One-Year Makeover](https://heartmanity.com/one-year-makeover/) - Couples - [Drama-Free Marriage](https://heartmanity.com/drama-free-marriage/) - [Marriage Tune-Up](https://heartmanity.com/resources/drama-free-resources/#tune-up) - [Couples Mentoring](https://heartmanity.com/resources/drama-free-resources/#mentoring) - [Premarital Coaching](https://heartmanity.com/resources/drama-free-resources/#coaching) - [Drama-Free Weddings](https://heartmanity.com/resources/drama-free-resources/#weddings) - Parents - [HeartPrints® Parenting](https://heartmanity.com/heartprints-parenting/) - [Parent Coaching](https://heartmanity.com/resources/heartprints-resources/#coaching) - [Family Coaching](https://heartmanity.com/resources/heartprints-resources/#visits) - [WombPrints](https://heartmanity.com/heartprints-parenting/#wombprints) - [Professionals](https://heartmanity.com/professionals/) - [Heartmanity for Business](https://heartmanity.com/business/) - [Heartlead Business](https://heartmanity.com/heartmanity-for-business/) - [MomPreneurs](https://heartmanity.com/mompreneurs/) - [Resources](https://heartmanity.com/resources/) - [Heartlead Resources](https://heartmanity.com/resources/heartlead-resources/) - [Drama-Free Resources](https://heartmanity.com/resources/drama-free-resources/) - [HeartPrints® Resources](https://heartmanity.com/resources/heartprints-resources/) - [Personal Growth Resources](https://heartmanity.com/resources/personal-growth-resources/) - [Blog](https://blog.heartmanity.com/) - [Emotional Intelligence & Fitness](https://blog.heartmanity.com/topic/emotional-intelligence-fitness) - [Leadership and Business](https://blog.heartmanity.com/topic/leadership-and-business) - [Love, Marriage, and Relationships](https://blog.heartmanity.com/topic/love-marriage-and-relationships) - [Parents: Permission to Be Imperfect](https://blog.heartmanity.com/topic/parents-permission-to-be-imperfect) - [Brain Fitness, Mindfulness and Perspective](https://blog.heartmanity.com/topic/brain-fitness-mindfulness-and-perspective) - [Communication & Interpersonal Skills](https://blog.heartmanity.com/topic/communication-interpersonal-skills) - [Habits for Health](https://blog.heartmanity.com/topic/habits-for-health) Heartmanity's Blog Search Search - There are no suggestions because the search field is empty. Topics: Select a topic... All Emotional Intelligence & Fitness Leadership and Business Love, Marriage, and Relationships Parents: Permission to Be Imperfect Brain Fitness, Mindfulness and Perspective Communication & Interpersonal Skills Habits for Health Heartmanity Webinars, Classes, and Events Filters # [*Transform Criticism to Appreciation and Triple Your Love!*](https://blog.heartmanity.com/transform-criticism-to-appreciation-and-triple-your-love) It’s common to hear couples complain about behaviors of their partners while wishing their life could be happier. Somehow, we think that if our partner changed, we would be happier. Or we think, “If my partner would stop annoying me, start appreciating me, or be more intimate with me, our relationship would improve.” However, the key lies in our ability to love ourselves. *Estimated reading time: 4 minutes* ![Couple together during a sunset](https://blog.heartmanity.com/hs-fs/hubfs/Couple-Walking-Away-at-Sunset---Stock-image-648993656_3072x1298.jpeg?width=560&name=Couple-Walking-Away-at-Sunset---Stock-image-648993656_3072x1298.jpeg "Couple together during a sunset") ## Honor Differences: the Only Thing We Can Truly Change is Ourselves. It’s a fallacy that we can change or control another person, no matter how close they are to us or how much we love them. Take a breath. Make a decision right now to stop trying to change your partner or anything outside of you. Begin down the beautiful path of loving and appreciating yourself. Only then will you truly discover the magical power of unconditional love. > #### We can only experience love from our partner to the extent that we love ourselves. That’s a powerful statement but think about it for a minute. If you’re constantly stressed, overworking, or bashing yourself mentally, doesn’t that interfere with your ability to receive love? Or isn't it more likely if you're preoccupied with blame that you might drown out kind gestures made by your partner with complaints? Related reading: "[Love Deliberately Like a Grandmaster Plays Chess](https://blog.heartmanity.com/love-deliberately-like-a-grandmaster-plays-chess)." ### How Well Do You Love Yourself? Criticizing is easy; being our best self takes effort and focus. You may be aware of negative self-talk; [the inner critic](https://blog.heartmanity.com/tame-your-inner-critic-5-eq-skills-to-increase-happiness) may be a mental occupant. And maybe you found out the hard way like I did early in my marriage that criticizing your partner doesn’t work. This common behavior usually creates ill feelings that result in hurt and distance in our relationship. If we criticize enough, it becomes habit-forming. Once criticism is a habit, just like a weed taking over a garden, it stunts the growth of love and appreciation. You might wonder why we complain or criticize when we could just as easily acknowledge the good things in ourselves or our partner.  **Back to the question: "How well do you love yourself?"** Part of the answer lies here. If you feel unworthy and are hard on yourself, chances are you’ll be hard on your partner as well. And maybe even be  If you berate yourself, you'll most likely be critical of your partner. What we do to ourselves, we most often do to others. Practice creates a habit. The choice is yours what habit you create. **Try an experiment for one week.** Commit to being kinder to yourself while celebrating your accomplishments no matter how small. Interrupt negative self-talk and replace it with encouraging words. For instance, if you criticize yourself mentally or verbally, require yourself to think of three things you admire or love about yourself whenever you catch self-criticism. At the end of the week, see if you feel differently. You'll be amazed at what you find! This exercise is simple but far from easy.  ## How to Change Criticism to Appreciation and Words of Affirmation A predominant reason we gravitate to criticism is that the brain seeks to keep us safe. And the brain also looks to be better every day, searching and finding what’s wrong to improve our lives. These prevalent tendencies often become the road well-traveled. The good news is that you can retrain your brain to appreciate and make appreciation your new habit. Appreciation for yourself and your partner will nurture your relationship and marriage tremendously. ### **![Woman hugging and appreciating her partner while he is reading](https://blog.heartmanity.com/hs-fs/hubfs/You-enjoying-your-book%2c-honey-489218959_1885x1592.jpeg?width=320&name=You-enjoying-your-book%2c-honey-489218959_1885x1592.jpeg "Woman hugging and appreciating her partner while he is reading")**Spotlight the good. Replace negative thinking patterns with positivity through gratitude. Train yourself to practice gratitude daily. Practicing gratitude rivets your mind to search for the good instead of the negative. Do it enough and it becomes a habit. ### Cultivate the habit of appreciation. Look for the traits you love and appreciate about your partner. Then appreciate those noteworthy qualities of your partner first mentally. Next, let them know, too. If you do this simple act regularly, you'll see a new openness and ease blossom between you. By appreciating your partner more, you'll discover a new light-heartedness. You'll be more relaxed and receptive to love's gifts. ### Focus on all the ways your partner shows his or her love. Keep an eye out for every act of kindness or love that comes from your partner. As you put your attention on what is loving rather than what is missing or imperfect, you'll feel more love. You'll begin to recognize what a great partner you have! And you might just fall in love all over again! > #### Imagine what your love relationship would be like if you tripled your love? Develop a pattern of appreciation and your marriage will be much happier, and much more harmonious. This way is the road less traveled until it becomes your new norm, a habit that strengthens the very fabric of your lives together. *Dare you to prove me right!*  For a step-by-step process to learn how to stop complaining, see our blog titled, [*Relationship Rescue: Turn Complaints into Closeness*](https://blog.heartmanity.com/relationship-rescue-turn-complaints-into-closeness) and for personalized support that is tailored to you, contact us at support@heartmanity. [![Free Discovery Session](https://hubspot-no-cache-na2-prod.s3.amazonaws.com/cta/default/2012781/01a6fb25-bfad-4a52-84f7-fe76920c2a7a.png)](https://hubspot-cta-redirect-na2-prod.s3.amazonaws.com/cta/redirect/2012781/01a6fb25-bfad-4a52-84f7-fe76920c2a7a) ### Like the article? Help us spread the word and share it! Facebook Twitter Pinterest LinkedIn **![Jennifer A. Williams / Heartmanity Founder](https://blog.heartmanity.com/hs-fs/hubfs/Jennifer%20Williams022.jpg?width=225&name=Jennifer%20Williams022.jpg)[Jennifer A. Williams / Heartmanity Founder](https://blog.heartmanity.com/author/jennifer-a-williams-heartmanity-founder)** Jennifer, as the Heartmanity Founder, has coached couples for over two decades. With her extensive experience and vast knowledge of emotional intelligence and brain science, Jennifer provides profound insights. She specializes in communication and teaches EQ skills needed to create healthy relationships. Jennifer is happily married and the mother of three grown children who are incredible human beings. ### You may also like: ![Is Your Relationship Communication Stifling or Deepening Your Love?](https://blog.heartmanity.com/hs-fs/hubfs/Cosy-weekend-chats-658408252_Compressed.jpeg?width=250&height=150&name=Cosy-weekend-chats-658408252_Compressed.jpeg) [Is Your Relationship Communication Stifling or Deepening Your Love?](https://blog.heartmanity.com/relationship-communication) ![Create a Successful Marriage: Don't Compromise!](https://blog.heartmanity.com/hs-fs/hubfs/Taking-photos-of-beautiful-nature-641236068_2122x1416-1.jpeg?width=250&height=150&name=Taking-photos-of-beautiful-nature-641236068_2122x1416-1.jpeg) [Create a Successful Marriage: Don't Compromise!](https://blog.heartmanity.com/create-a-successful-marriage-dont-compromise) ![The Grounded Connection: How to Have a Happy Marriage in a High-Voltage World](https://blog.heartmanity.com/hs-fs/hubfs/Love-187046640_Compressed.jpeg?width=250&height=150&name=Love-187046640_Compressed.jpeg) [The Grounded Connection: How to Have a Happy Marriage in a High-Voltage World](https://blog.heartmanity.com/how-to-have-a-happy-marriage) ![How Your Phone Is Quietly Dulling Emotional Intimacy in Your Relationship](https://blog.heartmanity.com/hs-fs/hubfs/Couple%20on%20couch%20both%20on%20phones_SM_Compressed.png?width=250&height=150&name=Couple%20on%20couch%20both%20on%20phones_SM_Compressed.png) [How Your Phone Is Quietly Dulling Emotional Intimacy in Your Relationship](https://blog.heartmanity.com/the-invisible-relationship-firewall-is-your-phone-blocking-real-intimacy) Posted in [Love, Marriage, and Relationships](https://blog.heartmanity.com/topic/love-marriage-and-relationships) © Heartmanity 2026 [Back to Blog](https://blog.heartmanity.com) ### Free Newsletter! 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[Sitemap](https://heartmanity.com/sitemap/) | [Privacy Policy](https://info.heartmanity.com/privacy-policy) ```json { "@context" : "https://schema.org", "@type" : "NewsArticle", "author" : [ { "@type" : "Person", "name" : "Jennifer A. Williams / Heartmanity Founder", "url" : "https://blog.heartmanity.com/author/jennifer-a-williams-heartmanity-founder" } ], "dateModified" : "2023-10-14T19:16:43", "datePublished" : "2018-01-02T16:23:00", "headline" : "Transform Criticism to Appreciation and Triple Your Love!", "image" : [ "https://info.heartmanity.com/hubfs/You-enjoying-your-book,-honey-489218959_1885x1592.jpeg" ] } ```