Parenting requires more than anyone knows before becoming a parent—or there would be a lot fewer parents! If you’re feeling hurt about how your adult child is treating you, that pain is real. To be rejected, disrespected, or cut off by your child is one of the most painful experiences of all.
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No, there are no perfect parents; we all make mistakes along the way, but we try to do our best.
The Parent-Child Relationship: Examples of Estranged Parents
In the last fifteen years of parent coaching, I’ve heard many painful stories. The conflicts and cutoffs in parent-child relationships, especially with adult children, are heart-wrenching.
Here are a few examples (with fictitious names) that you may relate to as a parent of a grown child:
Sarah, 28, hadn't spoken to her mother in weeks. Her mother criticized Sarah about spoiling her children and their inappropriate behavior. After the extended silence, Sarah sent a curt text: “I'm done with your criticism and judgment. Don't contact me or my children again.” Her mother, who had always envisioned a close relationship with her daughter was heartbroken.
James, 29, ghosted his parents after they expressed concern about how he was being treated at his job. Months later, they received a cold, formal letter stating, “I've decided to remove unsupportive people from my life. This includes you. Please respect my decision and do not contact me.” His parents were bewildered as to what they had done wrong in inquiring out of concern for his well-being.
Emma, 32, wrote a scathing letter to both her parents, detailing every perceived slight and mistake from her childhood. She ended it with, “I'm cutting all ties. Don't try to contact me.” Her parents, who thought they had a solid relationship with Emma, were blindsided and devastated.
Michael, 35, consistently canceled plans with his father at the last minute. When confronted, he coldly replied, “I have my own life now and you're just not a priority, dad.” His father, who had always been there for Michael, felt discarded and unimportant.
Are Parents to Blame for Adult-Child Behaviors?
One thing parents of grown children have in common is the bewilderment of where they have gone wrong—and what deserves children cutting them off or disrespectful reactions.
Of course, there are parental behaviors that injure children deeply growing up, such as alcoholism, drug addiction, physical abuse, or incest, that warrant adult children setting strong boundaries for their own well-being.
However, there are also scores of parents who have done their very best and loved deeply but not perfectly.
Many parents had poor role models themselves, which makes it harder to parent effectively. They may have found themselves slipping into behaviors they swore we never would.
No matter the mistakes, the parent-child relationship is precious.
Here are some possible circumstances and parenting challenges of good parents that unwittingly could provoke childhood hurt.
- Both parents had demanding careers and children were raised by nannies, or the opposite, a parent loses their job creating a financial crisis.
- Children grew up with a single parent who was understandably overwhelmed and emotionally tapped out.
- Parents had a parenting style that collided with the child’s sensitive or willful nature.
- The child or children were raised in a military family and moved frequently.
- One or both parents were permissive (or too kind) because they didn’t know how to set healthy boundaries.
- A couple divorced, disrupting their family; the parents and children were negatively impacted; children were possibly thrust into a blended family and unprepared for its dramatic changes.
My point is that a parent’s best intentions are sometimes demolished by life's curveballs and unexpected turns.
The most loving parental behaviors can be misinterpreted by a child even though a parent is doing their very best, given the circumstances. Children’s conclusions are from a child’s perspective, which are incomplete and often skewed by their inexperience.
Parents hope that their best was enough. How to bridge the gap and heal the schisms?
Related reading: “How to Deal with a Disrespectful Grown Child.”
The Parent-Child Relationship and Its Many Faces
The first step as a parent of grown children when you're hurting is taking responsibility and owning possible mistakes. Our actions are something we CAN control. Our responses to our child form the trust or lack of trust.
However, no matter what you could have done differently, there are also many other contributing factors.
Author Joshua Coleman, Ph.D., in his book When Parents Hurt, says it beautifully:
“Since parenting is a science of approximations, there is often no perfect outcome or intervention for every single child. In an attempt to make a sensitive child feel safe, we could be accused of being excessively protective and not providing an environment where she could learn to tolerate anxiety and fear. In an effort to make a defiant child more compliant, we could be blamed for being overly restrictive and for missing those times when he’s cooperative and interested. These ‘mistakes’ may stem from our attempts to be loving…”
Many components may be outside a parent’s control and contribute to an outcome: cultural influences, genes, economics, personality and temperament of both parent and child, teachers, siblings and their treatment, i.e., bullying, etc.
As Coleman goes on to say, “Some children, just by their nature, create a lot of parental error and heartache.”
I learned a long time ago not to judge other parents because it’s the most challenging job there is!—constantly changing and demanding something new and often with inadequate support.
To do parenting well requires parenting skills and emotional intelligence, which aren't always in a parent’s toolbox.
Unconventional Ways to Heal Your Heart and Reconnect with Your Adult Child
Back to your pain and challenges with your adult child.
What can you do?
If you're like me, I deeply value my relationship with my three adult children. And when we highly value a relationship, we don't give up.
We keep at it. It's a part of unconditional love.
However, we also must release attachment and expectations since controlling our children's behavior, choices, or lifestyle is futile.
Step-by-Step Process to Regain Hope and Heal Your Parent-Child Relationship
Below are some necessary adjustments that may help.
Melt into Acceptance of What Is
Acceptance doesn’t come easy. Misunderstandings, conflicts, and cutoffs in a parent-child relationship feel like a bed of thorns, often keeping parents up at night.
One of the hardest parts?
We cannot MAKE our adult children do anything. (We could when they were young through guilt, punishment, bribes, overpowering, etc.)
This sense of powerlessness intensifies the feelings of rejection and helplessness.
How do you work through the pain of rejection and heartache?
Acceptance is critical. Not resignation, but acceptance.
Although the relationship may be different tomorrow or in a month or a year, TODAY, we must face where our parent-child relationship is, its trust level and closeness—or lack thereof—and face it head-on.
In my experience, as long as we judge or criticize our child for their behavior, we cannot shift our own.
Unconditional love means just that: no conditions on our child, loving them even though their behaviors hurt us—way easier said than done! (This kind of love doesn't mean we tolerate disrespectful behavior; it means that we lovingly and firmly hold them accountable to be their best selves.)
Feel Your Feelings Fully
There’s that knot in the pit of your stomach, right?
Maybe it’s the web of feelings you’ve been avoiding and stuffing, trying your best to “pretend” everything will be all right.
It may be the last thing you want to do, but you must feel the sadness and even your grief for what's happening that you might never have chosen. Allow yourself to process the profound hurt about your child’s absence… stark silence... criticism … rejection … lifestyle choices ...
When I coach parents who have lost a loving connection with their adult child, they WANT it differently... NOW.
Understandable, of course.
We love our children, and it wounds us to have a gulf of misunderstanding or hurt between us.
And this wrenching place is where you are. Right now. Right here.
A part of healing is feeling what we feel. Although these are tough emotions, you can’t move through them if you don’t feel them.
Release Your Feelings and Attachment
One effective way to process some of those big emotions is to write an uncensored letter to your son or daughter sharing your pain, hurt, disappointment, and anger—then BURN IT!*
This exercise helps to release pent-up feelings without censoring them.
Often in conflict, we refrain ourselves. We don’t want to say the wrong thing or upset the relationship more than it already is. Many parents of adult children tell me they don’t want to say anything at all about how they feel because they’re afraid of losing the relationship altogether.
Ouch!
In a letter that you destroy and DO NOT SEND, you don’t need to censor yourself. No editing for proper etiquette. No filtering out emotions that are important. No one criticizing you, no one hurt by what you reveal, nor can they fault you for inappropriate anger.
The process is supremely liberating. It allows the clenched fists and heart to open.
*Be sure to burn your letter safely in a fireplace or outside metal barrel.
Set an Intention for the Future
Next, set a positive intention for how you WANT the relationship to look and feel.
For instance, imagine yourself—REALLY see yourself—interacting together with your child happily or having a heart-to-heart conversation that brings you closer. Initially, it may be difficult to get in touch with this vision, but keep at it!
Connect with your elevated emotions, which counteract the negativity and hollowness you might feel right now.
Did you know that gratitude can change our brains?
When we sustain gratitude for something that hasn’t yet happened, the elevated emotions can accelerate the desired positive outcome. Pretty cool, eh?
As one study states:
“Expressing gratitude is a characteristic behavioral response to the positively-valenced experience of feeling grateful for another’s kind gesture…. expressing gratitude is associated with beneficial relational outcomes for both members of an ongoing relationship independently of social support and other behaviors.”
So imagine the immense gratitude (and relief) you will feel!
Anchor the love you have for your child.
Remember the good times.
See your relationship repaired and renewed!
This suggestion may seem woo-woo, especially given the painful distance or angst possibly between you and your adult child right now.
(If you'd like to learn about the neuroscience behind rehearsal and manifestation, check out the book "Magic Mind" by James Doty, MD.)
Trust me, intentions and their visualization and rehearsal are influential ways to disengage from reactionary behavior and reconnect with love and connection with your child again.
This regular practice sets the stage for a fresh, new opening in your relationship. It also helps you let go of hurt and believe in possibility, regaining hope.
Different kinds of journaling can also be helpful. Writing has been found to help us process and regulate our emotions.
Take Action from Your Future Ideal Relationship
Lastly, ask yourself what you would need to say and do differently to have the result you only just imagined.
Sometimes, our old behaviors can be so familiar we don’t realize that we are part of the problem in a relationship. It’s easy to stay stuck and feel hopeless that your relationship with your adult child will never heal.
Possible loving behaviors that shift your relationship into more closeness:
- Listen more, talk less.
- Seek to understand your child's hurt and anger from their perspective.
- Replace criticism with true curiosity by asking open-ended and meaningful questions.
- Own up to your mistakes without justification, using an empathetic apology.
- Reach out lovingly without expectation.
Hope is a potent remedy many parents I’ve counseled had lost touch with. The mind—our minds—our powerful creators.
Unfortunately, limiting beliefs often contribute to relationship issues unknowingly.
So, no magic potion. No fairy dust.
Just a few critical ingredients:
- honesty with self
- deep and profound love for our child
- living in possibility, growth, and potential rather than resignation and guilt.
Sound too glib?
Yes, many people underestimate the power to influence their lives and relationships. They believe things happen TO them; people do things TO them. The truth is that most of the time, we're just living our lives the best we can.
Yet, if your child is holding you emotionally hostage and cutting off contact or only comes to you looking for a bailout or loan, what do you have to lose?
Visualizing, setting intentions, caring for yourself with compassion, and clinging to hope are things you CAN control!
Closing Thoughts
It's hard to be gentle with ourselves when we're struggling with a mountain of conflicting emotions.
Or perhaps you're judging yourself as a "bad mom" or a failure.
Don't.
It's crucial that you find patience and love for yourself and a safe space within your heart to create a more loving and reciprocal relationship with your son or daughter.
Be compassionate yet honest.
And if you want support, get in touch with Heartmanity!
