Blended families are complex and challenging regardless of how wonderful the humans are or how well family members get along. Combining families requires love and patience on steroids!
Unfortunately, most parents underestimate the enormous stresses and massive bandwidth required to make it all work.
Estimated reading time: 5 minutes
Understanding the Top Challenges of Blended Families
Blended families face significant challenges when combining households and family dynamics. Understanding and responding to what each member of the blended family may be dealing with requires compassion. The struggles may be silent or manifest in behavioral and emotional outbursts. The biggest key is staying present to each other.
Below are some most common challenges when blending families:
- Parental responsibility to establish new family roles and boundaries.
When two families merge, there can be a lot of confusion and uncertainty around everyone's new roles, responsibilities, and boundaries within the household. This can lead to power struggles, resentment, and difficulties in adapting to the changed family dynamic.
Related reading: "Boundaries Protect and Support Your Blended Family." - The biological parent often carries the guilt of the previous divorce or loss.
There is no way around change being hard, regardless if it's the right decision. Most divorced parents feel tremendous guilt for causing the painful situation for their children. Some even blame themselves for the problems that follow. - The profound need to allow and empathize with feelings while also establishing new rituals and order is extremely difficult.
Understandably so, the tendency is to establish order without adequately fully recognizing the many conflicting feelings that arise when families merge. Oftentimes, there are BIG emotions. Empathy and empathizing with your partner and children are indispensable, although the new living arrangement and the multitude of changes can be overwhelming. Without everyone feeling heard and understood, the experience will be far more difficult.
Related reading: "How to Talk to Someone with Empathy—and What to Avoid." - Each original family dynamic prior to blending is disrupted, causing increased chaos.
As parents, we have our own view of how a family should look and feel. Each parent has their own perspective about how much chaos should be allowed. Particularly when stressed, we cling more tightly to the familiar. These views can be idealized when we're also confronted with massive change and difficulties. Chaos is natural (yet unsettling) as family members adjust to the changes. - Stepparents often find it difficult to navigate their position without overstepping boundaries.
A stepparent's primary job is to build a healthy relationship with their stepchildren. Not to discipline, not to overpower, not to tell their spouse how they should parent. It can be heroic to maintain a nonjudgmental stance, especially if there is disagreement with how their partner disciplines—or the lack of discipline! - Clashing personalities and differing parenting styles intensify conflict and challenges.
Blended families often struggle with conflicting parenting styles, discipline methods, and household rules. These differences can lead to inconsistency, confusion, and resentment among both parents and children.. For instance, one parent may think the other is being too harsh, uninvolved, or too lenient. - Financial difficulties can also arise, increasing stress.
Blended families often have larger numbers of children and may face increased expenses due to legal fees or changes in living arrangements. It can be a big financial stretch. - Children may struggle to accept a new parental figure; children might feel torn between their biological parents and stepparents.
Children in a blended family often feel torn between their loyalty to their biological parents and their new stepparents. This emotional conflict can create feelings of guilt, distress, and a desire to please everyone and keep the peace, or children can act out as a way to get seen and heard. Feelings of guilt and divided loyalties eat away at blended families until talked about.
- Children may not accept or get along with their stepsiblings causing added strife.
Children did not agree to these changes so the blending with other children and dividing their parent's attention is often resented. Feelings of jealousy can also surface due to dramatically different experiences children have had or the way they perceive a parent's treatment of their stepsiblings.
Related reading: "How to Navigate Being a Step-Sibling in a Blended Family."
Phew!
That's a lot of challenges, right!?
You have chosen to blend your families out of love. Don't forget that love brought you together!
For the purpose of this article, we will only be covering the challenge of conflicting parenting styles.
Deep Dive: "The Blended Family and Parenting Survival Guide."
The Impact of Differing Parenting Styles
Your children are already dealing with a very disruptive experience even without the confusion added by different parenting styles. Keep this fact in mind!
A child accustomed to permissive parenting might suddenly face authoritarian expectations, while another might struggle to adapt from a neglectful environment to a more structured one.
The authoritative style, with its clear rules and guidelines, might clash with a more permissive approach, leading to inconsistencies in discipline and expectations. Children may feel torn between pleasing one parent over the other or confused about which set of rules to follow. This inconsistency can lead to behavioral issues and feelings of insecurity.
Remembering that each family member comes with their own history, emotional baggage, and expectations is important. Approach this mixed bag with compassion, empathy, and mindfulness.
When different parenting styles converge, it can feel like a whirlwind of conflicting messages for children. And parents run the risk of fighting over the "right" way to discipline or raise their children.
The most impactful thing you can do as parents is to be unified!
Unification is essential to a stable and supportive environment.
3 Parenting Tips for Blended Families
Blending your families is not like brewing an instant Ramen soup. It takes time, patience and tremendous effort to achieve balance and harmony.
When coaching stepparents or blended families, one mistake stands out over others. Everyone seeks to return to family life before blending. However, this family no longer exists.
It's an impossibility.
No matter what, family life will be dramatically different.
Acceptance of the "no going back" is necessary to create something wonderful.
Working together to create a respectful and loving environment will require the best of you when you may feel at your worst.
Stay encouraged.
Love can win and create a beautiful diversity that is rich and extraordinary.
Below are some parenting tips to consider.
Strive for Open and Respectful Communication—It's Imperative!
Effective communication between parents is absolutely essential to manage parenting style differences, colliding personalities and expectations, and the rollercoaster of emotions.
Your one goal: to create a deeply heard, felt, and understood family.
This empathetic approach eases the transition. If we can be present and remain open to each other, life unfolds more smoothly. However, open and honest conversations require us to relinquish our need to "be right" and replace it with a genuine desire and willingness to understand each other's perspectives.
Keeping your eye on the importance of creating stability and a calm, loving home for your children helps when negotiating differences in parenting styles.
By engaging in open and honest dialogue, parents can address their concerns with each other, clarify misunderstandings, and work collaboratively to find solutions that respect each other's parenting styles. This process of communication ensures both parents are on the same page when it comes to setting rules, expectations, and boundaries.
Involve children in these discussions whenever possible. This involvement will promote an ownership of family rules and a sense of responsibility.
Regular family meetings can be tricky but are an effective strategy for making collective decisions. These meetings provide a platform for family members to voice their thoughts, feelings, and opinions, promoting inclusivity and respect.
By involving children in decisions that affect the family (age appropriately),, parents encourage a sense of belonging and accountability.
Children lack control in their lives so another benefit of including children is helping them feel like they have some power. Also, by listening to and acting on children's feedback, parents demonstrate respect for their children's perspectives, strengthening family bonds.
Also, one-on-one time with each child provides opportunities for kids to be more open and honest without repercussions. Your attention during one-on-ones can greatly benefit a child who feels like they have to compete with their stepsiblings.
By maintaining consistent and respectful communication, it will naturally strengthen your family as a whole. Create a united front for your children and keep the communication lines open.
Balance Positive Discipline and Compassion
In a blended family, balancing discipline and compassion is delicate yet critical.
Loving and firm.
Remember those words.
Loving and firm discipline.
Consistent and fair, yet flexible enough to adapt to each child's needs, remembering that they are experiencing a ton of change.
Compassionate parenting underscores the importance of understanding and supporting children's emotional development, which can be particularly challenging when integrating different family members.
Related reading: "Empowering Kids: Setting Healthy Boundaries."
Surf the Emotional Waves Successfully with these EQ Strategies
Emotional intelligence (EQ) plays a pivotal role in managing the complexities of a blended family. Emotions run high with all the changes, and emotions are often unpredictable.
Stressed parents are quick to downplay when children complain or speak up. Don't. No matter how irrational or unreasonable they may seem, a child's feelings are very real to them.
They need an adult to help regulate and process this BIG change. Encourage children to express their emotions and provide regular safe zones for them to share with you. Empathize with what they're going through.
Parents can also teach and model emotional intelligence by openly discussing their own feelings and demonstrating healthy ways to process emotions.
As mentioned, emotional regulation is a foundational EQ skill that is needed during this topsy-turvy time. When children are experiencing significant changes in their lives, it's crucial to provide them with tools and activities to help regulate their emotions.
Related reading: "How to Effectively Respond to Disrespectful Stepchildren in a Blended Family."
Activities for Regulating Emotions by Age
To help children manage their feelings, offer and schedule activities as a family to assist in releasing big emotions and ease the transition.
Of course, babies and young toddlers mainly need rocking, soothing, and quiet time, but you can also empathize with them. Providing a safe and loving space to process emotions that surface helps with emotional regulation.
Here are a few activities that have proven helpful, listed by age group.
Ages 3-6
Emotion Charades
For this age group, a simplified version of emotion charades can be very effective. For older kids, it needs to include more sophisticated elements and versions, like TV series they enjoy or movies and gaming characters they relate to.
For young children, create simple picture cards depicting different emotions (happy, sad, angry, scared). Take turns acting out the emotion on the card without using words and have family members guess.
Once the correct feeling is named, take turns talking about a time when you or they felt that way.
This activity helps young children identify and express emotions in a fun, non-threatening way.
Bubble Breath
Teaching young children deep breathing techniques is a reliable and lifelong tool for them. For two to five-year-old children, the bubble breath exercise makes the learning and practice engaging and fun.
Have the child pretend they're blowing bubbles. Instruct them to breathe in slowly through their nose as you count to three to six, depending on the age of the child.
Then, have them blow out slowly through their mouth while you count again as if blowing a bubble. Repeat this several times.
You can use soap bubbles to add to the fun. You blow the bubbles while they pop them and name feelings. Great for emotional literacy, too!
Feelings Wheel
This exercise helps activate the parasympathetic nervous system, calming the child's fight or flight response. Creating a visual representation of emotions can help young children better understand and manage their feelings.
Together with the child, draw or find pictures representing different emotions. Discuss each emotion and when the child might feel that way.
Create a chart (or emotion wheel) where these emotions can be displayed. Encourage the child to point to or talk about the emotions they're experiencing throughout the day. You can also turn the pictures into flashcards, and children can pick from them.
This activity helps young children develop emotional vocabulary, gain self-awareness, and furnishes an opportunity to talk about feelings. When proactively providing exercises to help children understand and express their feelings, emotional outbursts decrease calming the home and increasing security.
Ages 7-12
Progressive Muscle Relaxation
Noticing your children's stress reactions and helping them deal effectively with stress is critical, especially when there is a lot of change. This relaxation tool can help older children become more aware of their body's response to stress and learn to relax.
Have the child lie down or sit comfortably in a chair or on the couch. Guide them through tensing and then relaxing different muscles, starting at their head and moving down to their feet.
Encourage them to notice and focus on the difference between tension and relaxation.
This exercise helps children recognize physical signs of stress and learn to release tension deliberately. When done regularly, it becomes a dependable support for their well-being.
Emotions Easter Egg Hunt
This activity combines play with emotional awareness.
Most families have plastic Easter eggs left over. If you don't have any, you can use a treasure hunt variation.
Write different emotions on small pieces of paper and place them inside plastic Easter eggs. Hide the eggs around a room or in an outdoor area.
Next, have the child find the eggs. Each time they find one, they act out the feeling, or you discuss the emotion inside each one.
This game makes talking about emotions fun and less intimidating.
Mindfulness Activity
Simple mindfulness exercises can help children stay grounded during times of change.
Practice the "5-4-3-2-1" game.
Have the child name 5 things they can SEE, 4 things they can TOUCH, 3 things they can HEAR, 2 things they can SMELL, and 1 thing they can TASTE.
This activity is especially helpful to kinesthetic children who tend to use their senses to interact with their environment. Or children who have high sensitivity as part of their temperament.
These activities for seven to twelve-year-olds help children focus on the present moment, reducing anxiety about changes and building resilience.
Ages 13-18 (Preteens and Teens)
Journaling
Journaling is an effective way for preteens and teens to process their emotions and experiences. Writing has a way of dissipating strong emotions and providing personal insights.
Encourage teens to write about their thoughts, feelings, and experiences regularly. Ask them to share or discuss with you when they feel comfortable. Let them know that you are there to support them whenever it feels right.
Possible Journaling Prompts for Preteens and Teens in a Blended Family
You can provide journal prompts related to change, such as:
- How has this change affected my daily life?
- What is the most difficult thing about blending families?
- What positive outcomes might come from this change?
- Name three things you like and three things you dislike about your new family.
- What emotions are you feeling the most?
- What are ways you can better support yourself and your siblings in this time of change?
Journaling provides a safe space for teens to express and reflect on their emotions.
Physical Exercise
Regular physical activity can significantly improve emotional regulation in preteens and teens. Make sure that your children are active and getting plenty of exercise!
Encourage participation in team sports or individual activities like running, yoga, or dance. Plan family outings like skiing or hiking that require physical activity.
Suggest short exercise breaks during study sessions or stressful times. Introduce the idea of "exercise snacking," which are short bursts of physical activity throughout the day. You can even initiate them as a family. Put on some music, and everyone dances. Or you go on a family run.
A parent's self-care is especially vital when we're going through a big transition or change, and exercise is a must!
Social Support and Communication
Building and maintaining social connections is crucial for preteens' and teens' emotional well-being.
Encourage them to stay connected with friends and family, even if it's through Facetime. Strong social support is a healthy buffer against stress during times of change.
And if your child is struggling, consider getting coaching support. Sometimes, a person outside the family can offer new perspectives and advice that can ease the struggles and bolster their self-esteem.
Remember, the effectiveness of the above activities may vary depending on the family, child or teen. It's important to be patient, consistent, and open to trying different approaches to find what works best.
Closing Thoughts
A supportive environment is the heart of a thriving blended family. It allows everyone to grow, feel safe, and belong. Open communication, respect, and empathy are key ingredients in helping family members share feelings and face challenges together.
Over time, these efforts contribute to a resilient, loving family environment where every member feels valued and connected.
If you'd like personalized support for your blended family, reach out to Heartmanity for a parenting coach. Transforming lives and families is our business!
