We all have a deep, primal need to belong, be accepted and liked. But when does this healthy human desire curdle into an addiction?
It happens when the need for approval becomes a craving we will do anything to satisfy—even if it means silencing our own voice through an addiction to people-pleasing. And for the first time, we have a perfect, unbiased mirror that reveals the true nature of this dependency: AI at our fingertips!
Estimated reading time: 4 minutes
For years, I’ve worked with individuals trapped in the addictive cycle of people-pleasing. I know this pattern well; I am a reformed people-pleaser myself.
It’s a compulsive need to manage others’ feelings to secure our own sense of safety and worth. However, in the process, we sand down our edges, swallow our truths, and become masters of compliance.
Now, we have built a machine that runs on this very same code, and by looking at it, we can better understand the trap we’ve built for ourselves.
The Seductive High of the People-Pleaser
Before we can dismantle this people-pleasing pattern and set healthy boundaries, we have to admit why we’re so drawn to it.
Pleasing others feels good.
It’s a high, a rush.
It’s the dopamine hit of being needed; we pride ourselves in expertly navigating a conversation to avoid conflict.
When you successfully please someone—when you give the ideal response that makes them smile, anticipate their need, or suppress your own desire to make THEM happy—you feel a sense of control. You feel safe.
Your AI assistant is the ultimate dealer of this drug.
It gives you that frictionless, high-on-demand. It never disagrees, never has a bad day, never tells you it’s tired of your requests. It offers a world of perfect, compliant service.
But what is helpfulness without honesty?
AI is programmed to be “nice,” but what does that really mean?
It feels powerful to be the giver, the helper, the one who makes things easy. It’s a seductive illusion of harmony, and we chase it in our own lives, believing that if we can just be helpful enough, nice enough, and agreeable enough, we can secure our place and avoid the pain of rejection.
I must admit, I enjoy the quick replies from ChatGPT, the continual redos without complaint, and massive research done in seconds by Perplexity. But what I miss is the real.
Related reading: "3 Hidden Parenting Mistakes that Promote People Pleasing in Children."
The Enabler's Flaw: Why the "Nice" Algorithm Can't Help
Here is the hard truth: AI is the ultimate enabler. Its algorithm is programmed for compliance, to address your query and avoid offending or displeasing you.
AI cannot challenge you; therefore, its “helpfulness” is neutered. It won’t offer you a dissenting opinion that might save you from a bad idea or decision. It cannot ask the tough, soul-searching questions that would lead to a personal breakthrough or an insight. It will censor the hard truth you may need because it is incapable of the tough love that real growth requires.
It can feed your addiction with endless validation, but it doesn’t give you the one thing you need for recovery: the truth.
The Inevitable Crash: When the Addiction to Being Liked Backfires
AI lives in a simulation where your satisfaction is a primary metric.
You do not.
In the messy, beautiful, complicated laboratory of human relationships, the addiction to being liked and avoiding conflict and rejection leads to an invisible prison. This prison keeps us from being authentic, living our full potential.
When we act like AI—when we prioritize being liked over being honest—we don’t just fail to help, we actively cause harm.
We watch a friend make a bad decision and say nothing because we crave their approval more than we value their well-being.
We agree to things we oppose because the momentary discomfort of disagreement feels more threatening than the slow erosion of our integrity.
We swallow our own needs until the addiction leaves us empty, resentful, and disconnected from the very people we were so desperate to please.
This shutdown is the compliance hangover. The high of being liked fades, and only a crushing reality remains: we have created a world of pleasant, dishonest fiction.
And fiction laps upon the shores of reality with a penetrating loneliness, bordering on emptiness and despair.
The Recovery: Choosing Authentic Connection Over the Addiction of Being Liked
AI, in its flawless execution in seconds, reveals the most vital human truth by its absence: growth requires friction.
A muscle needs resistance to grow stronger. A diamond needs pressure to form. Our character, our wisdom, and our relationships need the resistance of honest disagreement to become resilient and real.
AI is programmed to avoid this friction, and in doing so, it remains static. It will get more knowledgeable, but it will never get wiser.
It is a good model, the perfect motivation for our recovery.
The lure of pleasing is the lure of a frictionless, simulated life. It feels good, yet goes nowhere. Real joy is not in the fleeting high of being liked, but in the deep, abiding comfort of being known.
I invite you to look in the mirror of your own people-pleasing AI and make a different choice.
Reject the “nice” algorithm. Embrace the inconvenient and growth-inducing power of your own authentic, honest voice. It is a powerful remedy to set you free.
Related reading: "Why Being a People Pleaser Damages Relationships—and What to Do About It!"
If you're already ready to break the habit of people-pleasing, check out our e-book. Learn the ropes from an ex-pleaser.
