--- title: Why People Pleasers Desperately Need Healthy Boundaries description: "People-pleasing: a chronic habit of saying yes. Pleasing without consideration of self leads to discontent and subtly destroys relationships. Read now." image: https://blog.heartmanity.com/hubfs/Business-meeting-at-cafe-1189943543_1258x838-compressor.jpeg --- [![Heartmanity](https://heartmanity.com/wp-content/files/heartmanity-logo-web.png "Heartmanity")](https://heartmanity.com) [Schedule a Conversation](https://heartmanity.as.me/schedule.php?appointmentType=30172362) [Shop](https://heartmanity-services-products.myshopify.com/) [Join the Community](https://heartmanitycommunity.mn.co/) [Get In Touch](https://heartmanity.com/contact/) - [Home](https://heartmanity.com/) - [Our Focus and Expertise](https://heartmanity.com/our-focus-and-expertise/) - [BrainFitness](https://heartmanity.com/brain-fitness/) - [Emotional Intel](https://heartmanity.com/emotional-intel/) - [Habits for Health](https://heartmanity.com/habits-for-health/) - [Relationship Mastery](https://heartmanity.com/relationship-mastery/) - [About](https://heartmanity.com/about/) - [Individuals](https://heartmanity.com/individuals/) - [No-Nonsense Coaching](https://heartmanity.com/no-nonsense-coaching/) - [Return to Serenity](https://heartmanity.com/return-to-serenity/) - [One-Year Makeover](https://heartmanity.com/one-year-makeover/) - Couples - [Drama-Free Marriage](https://heartmanity.com/drama-free-marriage/) - [Marriage Tune-Up](https://heartmanity.com/resources/drama-free-resources/#tune-up) - [Couples Mentoring](https://heartmanity.com/resources/drama-free-resources/#mentoring) - [Premarital Coaching](https://heartmanity.com/resources/drama-free-resources/#coaching) - [Drama-Free Weddings](https://heartmanity.com/resources/drama-free-resources/#weddings) - Parents - [HeartPrints® Parenting](https://heartmanity.com/heartprints-parenting/) - [Parent Coaching](https://heartmanity.com/resources/heartprints-resources/#coaching) - [Family Coaching](https://heartmanity.com/resources/heartprints-resources/#visits) - [WombPrints](https://heartmanity.com/heartprints-parenting/#wombprints) - [Professionals](https://heartmanity.com/professionals/) - [Heartmanity for Business](https://heartmanity.com/business/) - [Heartlead Business](https://heartmanity.com/heartmanity-for-business/) - [MomPreneurs](https://heartmanity.com/mompreneurs/) - [Resources](https://heartmanity.com/resources/) - [Heartlead Resources](https://heartmanity.com/resources/heartlead-resources/) - [Drama-Free Resources](https://heartmanity.com/resources/drama-free-resources/) - [HeartPrints® Resources](https://heartmanity.com/resources/heartprints-resources/) - [Personal Growth Resources](https://heartmanity.com/resources/personal-growth-resources/) - [Blog](https://blog.heartmanity.com/) - [Emotional Intelligence & Fitness](https://blog.heartmanity.com/topic/emotional-intelligence-fitness) - [Leadership and Business](https://blog.heartmanity.com/topic/leadership-and-business) - [Love, Marriage, and Relationships](https://blog.heartmanity.com/topic/love-marriage-and-relationships) - [Parents: Permission to Be Imperfect](https://blog.heartmanity.com/topic/parents-permission-to-be-imperfect) - [Brain Fitness, Mindfulness and Perspective](https://blog.heartmanity.com/topic/brain-fitness-mindfulness-and-perspective) - [Communication & Interpersonal Skills](https://blog.heartmanity.com/topic/communication-interpersonal-skills) - [Habits for Health](https://blog.heartmanity.com/topic/habits-for-health) Heartmanity's Blog Search Search - There are no suggestions because the search field is empty. Topics: Select a topic... All Emotional Intelligence & Fitness Leadership and Business Love, Marriage, and Relationships Parents: Permission to Be Imperfect Brain Fitness, Mindfulness and Perspective Communication & Interpersonal Skills Habits for Health Heartmanity Webinars, Classes, and Events Filters # [*Why People Pleasers Desperately Need Healthy Boundaries*](https://blog.heartmanity.com/why-people-pleasers-desperately-need-healthy-boundaries) People-pleasing is a way of life for many. Yet, a happy life depends on healthy boundaries and being true to ourselves. One of the greatest skills anyone can learn is how to set healthy boundaries but for a people pleaser, the thought of setting a boundary can be scary and feel threatening. A few months ago, a new client told me that she had a bad habit of saying “yes” when she really wanted to say “no.” At the end of the day, she felt exhausted and resentful because there was never any energy or time left over for what was important to her. Even when she was maxed to the hilt, she'd take on more and do *just one more* favor for a friend. Then the next day, she started all over again with the same recipe for unhappiness. She'd had enough of being a people pleaser. She asked me: *What can I do to regain my life?*![Two women talking at a cafe about self-care](https://blog.heartmanity.com/hs-fs/hubfs/Business-meeting-at-cafe-1189943543_1258x838-compressor.jpeg?width=1254&name=Business-meeting-at-cafe-1189943543_1258x838-compressor.jpeg) I congratulated her on her growing self-awareness, and for reaching out for help. Self-awareness is an essential first step and deciding to change is a vital second! Her story illustrates why boundaries are so crucial in creating a happy life. Without them, we flounder. With boundaries, we provide ourselves with a sacred space to live our truth and be ourselves. ## From People Pleasing to Being Authentically YOU! To begin the journey back from being a people pleaser is one that requires courage, constancy, and fortitude. However, it IS possible to remake ourselves and transform our lives completely. Science backs this claim. So why is it critical to set healthy boundaries? They define us. Boundaries allow us to care for ourselves. When setting boundaries effectively, they create a life with relationships we love. They are the way we honor ourselves and others. In a blog titled, ["Good Boundaries Invite Loving Play,"](http://www.successwithoutsacrifice.com/creating-successful-relationships-good-boundaries-invite-loving-play) the author says: > Boundaries define the field-of-play between your inner experience and your outer co-creation with others. > > Good boundaries outline the borders of your field-of-play. They are an invitation. Clear, honored boundaries express how much you love, listen to, and respect yourself—and precisely reflect how much you can love, listen to, and respect others. Wherever you are on your path of personal growth and whatever you want to change, boundaries are imperative. When you shift from people-pleasing—saying yes automatically—to doing something different, boundaries are the one skill you need to be successful. Shifting into a new way of being and interacting with life requires us to pause. So the first way to start honoring yourself is to ask: “What do I want?” many times a day! By asking this question repeatedly, you'll begin to reacquaint yourself with your desires that may have been trampled by compliance and pleasing. The greater the clarity, the harder it is to go against your truth. **Whatever you do, start small, but take action.** A good thing to do as you're learning to flex new muscles is to give yourself some quiet and safe space alone *before responding to requests.* Instead of saying yes immediately, give yourself a little time alone. It is far easier to know what we want when we’re in our own energy and space unencumbered by others' emotions or pressured by their requests. You can take five minutes or two days—it’s up to you. This practice will give you an opportunity without pressure to decide what you really want. **Some phrases to use when responding to a request:** "Let me get back to you on that request." "Sounds like a great opportunity, let me check my schedule." "How soon do you need an answer?" "I'll check with my husband and see if it will work." "I'd love to help, and I need to check my other commitments before agreeing." ![A young woman pausing to determine what she wants](https://blog.heartmanity.com/hs-fs/hubfs/joackim-weiler-gxQTnnHVw54-unsplash-compressor.jpg?width=266&name=joackim-weiler-gxQTnnHVw54-unsplash-compressor.jpg)Practice pausing so you can determine if you have the energy, desire, and time to take on one more thing. If you can't do it wholeheartedly, *don't do it!* Next, ask yourself: "Does this request align with my goals and values?" If the request doesn't support them, it's less likely to jump in bed with your habit-buddy compliance because you'll get in touch with what's important to you. Related reading: ["Why You Should Stop Being a People Pleaser"](https://blog.heartmanity.com/why-you-should-stop-being-a-people-pleaser) Next, go to the underlying cause of your habit. Get curious about why you say yes so often. Is it because you hate conflict? Are you afraid of letting someone down? Is it because you want people to know you care? Did mom drill into you that it was selfish to say no to those in need? Find out what is driving your yes-habit. Once the reasons for the habit are conscious, changing the pattern will be easier. For a mentor along the way, get our e-book ["Advice from an Ex-Pleaser: How to Stop Being a People Pleaser."](https://info.heartmanity.com/advice-from-an-ex-people-pleaser-ebook-0) [![LEARN MORE](https://hubspot-no-cache-na2-prod.s3.amazonaws.com/cta/default/2012781/913ccc58-8a9d-4cb8-be9a-e7a9621ca36e.png)](https://hubspot-cta-redirect-na2-prod.s3.amazonaws.com/cta/redirect/2012781/913ccc58-8a9d-4cb8-be9a-e7a9621ca36e) Now, you're ready to take a bolder move. Start practicing saying no *in the safest relationships first.* You know those people: the ones that want you to be happy and love who you are. The people in your life who regularly encourage you to take care of yourself.  When you first practice setting boundaries in small ways in trusted and reliable relationships, you'll gain confidence. As you advocate for yourself, your resentment will decrease and your happiness will increase. Then you'll find yourself feeling good about saying, "No, that doesn't work for me." And if you happen to catch yourself occasionally agreeing when you didn’t want to, don’t sweat it. Consider it an opportunity to recommit to honoring yourself next time. Then when you do say yes, you'll WANT to say yes. And when our yeses support our true self, you'll show up more fully and with tremendous inner peace and joy. Now you're on your way to transforming your life—inside and out! More on People Pleasing: ["Why Being a People Pleaser Damages Relationships—and What to Do About It!"](https://blog.heartmanity.com/why-being-a-people-pleaser-damages-relationships-and-what-to-do-about-it) To learn how to set healthy boundaries, see ["How to Create a Healthy and Happy Life with Effective Boundaries."](https://blog.heartmanity.com/create-a-healthy-and-happy-life-with-effective-boundaries) If you'd like to dig in and want a comprehensive guide on how to build strong and healthy boundaries, check out our emotional intelligence course online. [![Yes, help me set better boundaries](https://hubspot-no-cache-na2-prod.s3.amazonaws.com/cta/default/2012781/104e9b8e-928f-4389-affb-626158e06576.png)](https://hubspot-cta-redirect-na2-prod.s3.amazonaws.com/cta/redirect/2012781/104e9b8e-928f-4389-affb-626158e06576) ### Like the article? Help us spread the word and share it! Facebook Twitter Pinterest LinkedIn **![Jennifer A. Williams / Emotional Intelligence Coach](https://blog.heartmanity.com/hs-fs/hubfs/Jennifer%20Williams030.jpg?width=225&name=Jennifer%20Williams030.jpg)[Jennifer A. Williams / Emotional Intelligence Coach](https://blog.heartmanity.com/author/jennifer-a-williams-emotional-intelligence-coach)** Jennifer is the Heartmanity founder and an emotional intelligence expert. She has two decades of EQ experience and is the author of emotional intelligence training and courses. As an emotional fitness coach, Jennifer teaches EQ skills, brain science hacks, and a comprehensive approach that gets results. She is happily married and the mother of three incredible grown children. ### You may also like: ![Empathy in Conflict Resolution: How Leaders Use Emotional Intelligence to Navigate Tough Conversations](https://blog.heartmanity.com/hs-fs/hubfs/Stressed%20business%20colleagues%20having%20a%20meeting%20in%20an%20office%20solving%20problems_AdobeStock_513355369%20Compressed.jpeg?width=250&height=150&name=Stressed%20business%20colleagues%20having%20a%20meeting%20in%20an%20office%20solving%20problems_AdobeStock_513355369%20Compressed.jpeg) [Empathy in Conflict Resolution: How Leaders Use Emotional Intelligence to Navigate Tough Conversations](https://blog.heartmanity.com/empathy-in-conflict-resolution) ![What AI Reveals About Our Addiction to People-Pleasing and Being Liked](https://blog.heartmanity.com/hs-fs/hubfs/A%20young%20man%20reaching%20out%20to%20hearts%20and%20smiley%20faces%20as%20addiction%20to%20people-pleasing%20and%20%20being%20liked%20SM_Compressed.png?width=250&height=150&name=A%20young%20man%20reaching%20out%20to%20hearts%20and%20smiley%20faces%20as%20addiction%20to%20people-pleasing%20and%20%20being%20liked%20SM_Compressed.png) [What AI Reveals About Our Addiction to People-Pleasing and Being Liked](https://blog.heartmanity.com/what-ai-reveals-about-our-addiction-to-people-pleasing) ![Why Human Connection Is the New IQ: A Roadmap of Social Intelligence](https://blog.heartmanity.com/hs-fs/hubfs/Brain%20networking_AdobeStock_284573640%20Compressed.jpeg?width=250&height=150&name=Brain%20networking_AdobeStock_284573640%20Compressed.jpeg) [Why Human Connection Is the New IQ: A Roadmap of Social Intelligence](https://blog.heartmanity.com/social-intelligence) ![Do You Care Too Much? How to Practice Compassionate Empathy Instead](https://blog.heartmanity.com/hs-fs/hubfs/Problems%20in%20the%20business%20can%20be%20a%20stressor%20causing%20anxiety..jpeg?width=250&height=150&name=Problems%20in%20the%20business%20can%20be%20a%20stressor%20causing%20anxiety..jpeg) [Do You Care Too Much? How to Practice Compassionate Empathy Instead](https://blog.heartmanity.com/caring-too-much-compassionate-empathy) Posted in [Emotional Intelligence](https://blog.heartmanity.com/topic/emotional-intelligence) © Heartmanity 2026 [Back to Blog](https://blog.heartmanity.com) ### Free Newsletter! 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[Sitemap](https://heartmanity.com/sitemap/) | [Privacy Policy](https://info.heartmanity.com/privacy-policy) ```json { "@context" : "https://schema.org", "@type" : "NewsArticle", "author" : [ { "@type" : "Person", "name" : "Jennifer A. Williams / Emotional Intelligence Coach", "url" : "https://blog.heartmanity.com/author/jennifer-a-williams-emotional-intelligence-coach" } ], "dateModified" : "2021-11-12T05:22:08", "datePublished" : "2020-03-05T23:45:00", "headline" : "Why People Pleasers Desperately Need Healthy Boundaries", "image" : [ "https://info.heartmanity.com/hubfs/Business-meeting-at-cafe-1189943543_1258x838-compressor.jpeg" ] } ```