The Myth of Too Much Empathy: Why Emotional Burnout Isn’t What You Think

Contrary to popular belief, genuine empathy doesn't drain us. Being too empathetic isn’t the problem. Empathy burnout often stems from confusing true empathy with a lack of emotional boundaries, emotional fusion, over-giving, or our own triggered emotions.

True empathy is about understanding another person's perspective while maintaining healthy emotional boundaries.

Estimated reading time: 5 minutes

The Real Culprits Behind Emotional Burnout

I’ve been teaching and coaching clients to empathize for twenty years in personal relationships and in the workplace. So, I’ve seen many misconceptions about empathy and common missteps in seeking to empathize.

Let's explore and identify the obstacles to healthy interactions and what is NOT empathy to better understand emotional burnout and its causes. If you’re concerned that you may be too empathetic, consider the factors below.

Unprocessed Trauma Being Triggered

Research by Psychiatrist Bessel van der Kolk shows that witnessing others' distress can activate our own unresolved emotional wounds. The problem isn't empathy itself but rather unhealed aspects of our emotional health. 

In a New York Times article, Bessel van der Kolk states, “Trauma has nothing whatsoever to do with cognition. It has to do with your body being reset to interpret the world as a dangerous place.” Since our bodies hold the memories of our past when another person reminds us of our pain, it affects us more dramatically.

Repatterning these unconscious behaviors and beliefs programmed through trauma are critical in personal healing and empowerment. And before truly empathizing, healthier emotional boundaries are needed to prevent emotional burnout.

Giving While Ignoring Our Needs

Studies on empathy burnout and compassionate fatigue indicate that attempting to provide emotional support when already depleted is a common issue. Neglecting our own needs while supporting others serves no one.

Although it is understandable when we care deeply about loved ones to keep on giving when our cup is empty, it’s imbalanced and creates an unhealthy dynamic.

The Stanford Compassion Cultivation Training research demonstrates that individuals with self-care practices can maintain high empathy without burnout.

There is a difference between healthy empathy and co-dependent giving motivated by fear of rejection, a need to be liked, or gain approval. Sometimes, a blurred line between others’ emotions and our own can cause us to take on another’s energy and feelings unnecessarily.

According to relationship researchers like John Gottman, giving to get love creates a transactional dynamic that depletes rather than nourishes. See the Gottman video below.

Empathic Distress vs. Compassionate Empathy

The solution isn't less empathy but rather cultivating compassionate empathy (understanding plus a desire to help).

The work of Researcher Olga Klimecki demonstrates that individuals trained in compassion meditation actually show increased resilience when exposed to others’ suffering. Their research suggests that compassionate empathy—the kind Heartmanity teaches—is sustainable and beneficial.

Emotional Dysregulation

Another contributing factor is due to our dysregulation when others’ emotions cause us distress. If our own emotional terrain is filled with unresolved feelings and conflicting emotions, trying to empathize is problematic.

To give authentic empathy, we ourselves need to be regulated to hold a safe and grounding space for others.

Difficulty Distinguishing Your Emotions from Others'

When you lack clear emotional boundaries, you may find yourself absorbing others' feelings as if they were your own. This emotional fusion makes it challenging to separate what you're feeling from what others are experiencing.

Warning signs may include:

• You feel anxious when someone around you is anxious, even when their situation doesn't directly affect you.
• After interactions, you're unsure whether your feelings originated from you or were absorbed from others.
• You take on the emotional tone of whoever you're with, losing your own emotional baseline,

Daniel Goleman's research on emotional intelligence shows that people with strong emotional regulation skills have lower stress and can maintain deep empathic connections without experiencing burnout. I have personally found this conclusion to be accurate and it is one of the reasons for Heartmanity's emphasis on empathy and emotional intelligence as a pathway to healthier relationships.

By establishing healthy boundaries, you will improve your ability to connect authentically with others while maintaining your own emotional well-being.

Remember that boundaries are essential for sustainable, meaningful relationships and your own mental and emotional health. They don't diminish empathy but instead create the emotional safety needed for genuine connection.

Ways to Develop Healthier Emotional Boundaries

If you’re a person who has been saying, “I’m too empathetic” or you are easily impacted by the feelings of others, below are simple steps you can do to take better care of yourself.

• Check in with yourself frequently.
  
  
• Take time to listen to your emotions throughout the day.
  
  
• Learn to identify feelings and develop emotional literacy.
  
  
• Use self-calming strategies when an experience upsets you.
  
  
• Increase self-care activities to be at your best.
  
  
• Build greater self-awareness to recognize when we're giving from an unfree place, such as people-pleasing.
  
  
• Learn to process your feelings effectively so others’ emotions don’t trigger unresolved emotional landmines.
  
  
• Develop emotional regulation skills that allow you to feel deeply without becoming overwhelmed.
  
  
• Practice self-compassion that includes both empathic understanding and healthy boundaries.
  
  
• If you have poor boundary development, focus on setting healthier boundaries in your relationships.

Rather than reducing empathy, try building solid emotional regulation and flexing more empathy by focusing on self-mastery.

This perspective honors both the power of empathy and the importance of emotional health—a cornerstone of Heartmanity's approach to relationships and personal transformation.