Are you triggered by seemingly little things? Do you think you're too emotional? Or are you unhappy or overwhelmed with life's demands, rarely having time for yourself? How's your self-care... nonexistent? Maybe you're tired of being overweight, and self-loathing clouds your joy and positive self-esteem. If you answered yes to even one of these questions, your internal boundaries may need flexing.
A powerful yet often overlooked EQ skill is setting internal boundaries for ourselves.
Estimated reading time: 5 minutes
Heartmanity is proud to partner with outstanding companies that we wholeheartedly recommend so this post may contain affiliate links. You can read our full disclosure here.
Blog Contents:
What Are Internal Boundaries—and Why Are They Important to Our Well-Being?
How Values Define Our Boundaries
Internal Versus External Boundaries—What's the Difference?
The Connection Between Internal Boundaries and Emotional Intelligence
How to Raise Self-Awareness for Better Internal Boundaries
Identifying Your Internal Boundaries
Internal Boundaries in Action
Step-by-Step Process for Setting Internal Boundaries Effectively
Wrap-Up Thoughts
Frequently Asked Questions
What Are Internal Boundaries—and Why Are They So Important to Our Well-Being?
When I was a young adult, I didn’t even know what internal boundaries were, let alone how to set them. I was too emotional; I procrastinated continually, was chronically late, rarely kept promises to myself, was a people-pleaser and self-care was nonexistent.
Incoming: internal boundaries changed my life!
Let's look at my former self and the internal boundaries set for the above challenges that transformed my life:
Too Emotional
Internal boundaries: I learned to resolve conflicted feelings, self-soothe and emotionally regulate.
Procrastination
Internal boundaries: I set realistic timelines and broke tasks down into bite-size pieces so projects weren't overwhelming, blocked off time in my schedule, and stopped agreeing to commitments that didn't align with my values.
Chronically late: I investigated the reasons WHY I was frequently late. To my surprise, most of the time, I was delayed by doing things that were completely unnecessary. So, I set an internal boundary for NOT taking on "one more thing" before leaving. Also, to ensure I could be on time, I left fifteen minutes earlier than I needed to.
Breaking promises to myself: I tracked what I promised to myself and examined what was realistic and what wasn't. Once I discovered how prevalent my broken promises to myself were (I kept all my promises to others—go figure!), I acted instead of entertaining mental chatter. By determining what truly mattered to me, I stopped making promises I didn't keep, which was a final blow to procrastination.
Overcommitted as a people-pleaser: This was a bit more difficult. I systematically dismantled people-pleasing and created equitable relationships. And I made self-care a high priority. If you want to break the people-pleasing habit, check out my e-book.
So, what are internal boundaries and why are they critical to our well-being?
Internal boundaries are promises or commitments we make to ourselves AND KEEP them!
They are a framework for taking responsibility to manage our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. Internal boundaries are rooted in our core values, morals, and personal identity.
Boundaries are our personal limits and guidelines for deciding how we interact with ourselves, others, and our lives.
One form of these boundaries is functional, such as resisting the urge to overeat or eat unhealthy food. Another example is making sure we are on time for a meeting or event.
A different type is an emotional boundary.
When we restrain ourselves from blowing up at our partner or co-worker, we set an internal emotional boundary. This emotional regulation enables us to understand, regulate, and express our feelings fluently yet appropriately. We decide what we will or won't tolerate from ourselves, such as refraining from gossip or emotionalism.
When we establish internal boundaries for our feelings, it enables us to pause and reflect before reacting to people and situations.
Internal boundaries are the self-regulator, the nonjudgmental observer that silences the inner critic with self-compassion and keeps our mindset positive.
How Values Define Our Boundaries
Values are the unique principles we live by; they define what is important to us.
When we clearly define our values and enforce our internal boundaries to align with them, we create a structure that supports our mental and emotional well-being. Our authentic power and inner peace expand.
However, when we lack internal boundaries, we may find ourselves overwhelmed, stressed, resentful in relationships, and susceptible to burnout.
For instance, without healthy boundaries, we might overextend ourselves by saying "yes" too frequently, leading to exhaustion. Or we may overspend and create financial stress.
Internal boundaries help us prioritize our own needs and protect our time and emotional resources for what is most important to us. They enable us to take a step back and evaluate situations before reacting impulsively.
This self-regulation is essential for maintaining a work-life balance.
Internal Versus External Boundaries—What's the Difference?
You might be asking what’s the difference between internal and external boundaries.
Internal boundaries are limits we establish with ourselves. They involve self-care, such as setting limits on negative self-talk, managing emotional responses, and maintaining personal commitments like health routines and ethical standards. They can be as simple as saying no to that cookie jar wooing us closer.
External boundaries are the limits we set in our interactions with others. These include communicating our needs, setting standards for how others will treat us, and deciding how we spend our time and energy in relationships.
Setting external boundaries can include something like declining a phone call from a friend when you don’t want to talk or need to recharge.
Both types of boundaries are essential for personal well-being and healthy relationships.
The Connection Between Internal Boundaries and Emotional Intelligence
Building self-awareness is a critical aspect of emotional intelligence (EQ), and setting internal boundaries plays a vital role in emotional and mental health.
Imagine you have a habit of overcommitting to tasks and feeling overwhelmed frequently. By recognizing this pattern and setting a boundary to limit your commitments, you become more attuned to your needs and limitations.
This self-awareness helps you manage your time and energy better, building a healthier balance in your life.
For instance, if a friend's comment upsets you, an internal boundary might involve taking a moment to process your feelings before responding.
Self-management not only helps you soothe and calm yourself but also allows you to respond more effectively. Therefore, self-mastery enhances our relationships and our ability to interact with others in a more thoughtful and composed manner.
How to Raise Self-Awareness for Better Internal Boundaries
One effective strategy to increase self-awareness is to engage in regular self-reflection. A self-reflection practice is a regular ritual of taking time each day (or week) to assess your feelings, behaviors, and experiences.
If internal boundaries are new to you, it is helpful to practice some introspection. By examining your inner landscape, you’ll discover insights that create greater clarity.
Questions to ask yourself:
- What are my most important values?
- How well am I living those values?
- How can I align my thoughts, words, and actions better with my values?
- What are my personal truths?
- What emotions and behaviors match the person I want to be?
Start by reflecting on your needs, values, and limits. Consider situations where you feel stressed, overwhelmed, or resentful, as these emotions often signal where boundaries are needed.
When we set internal limits, we can distinguish between “I don't feel like it” and having a legitimate need to rest. We can catch ourselves and choose to spend quality time with our family or exercise instead of binge-watching on Netflix.
Setting boundaries supports our temperament, too. For instance, if you have the temperament trait of high sensitivity, you may need more solitude or time in nature.
Taking responsibility for ourselves and prioritizing our own needs is crucial for setting and honoring internal boundaries. Maintaining internal boundaries requires a willingness to recognize and honor our own needs to be at our best.
Additionally, by respecting our internal boundaries, we cultivate self-compassion and self-respect, which are essential for healthy interpersonal relationships.
Overall, internal boundaries empower us to live authentically and maintain our emotional and mental health.
Identifying Your Internal Boundaries
The first step in exploring and getting better acquainted with your internal world is to understand your inner landscape. What is the quality of your inner world?
Your energy resource:
- quality of your energy
- sustainability of your energy
- use of your energy and time
- a spiritual connection
- any passionate purpose
Your mental world:
- a neutral and nonjudgmental observer
- self-awareness (knowledge of self)
- the thinking and logical mind
- the creative, imaginary mind
- six senses or intuition
- the monkey mind or inner critic
Your emotional world:
- gut feelings
- emotions, i.e., sadness, fear, peace, or joy
- emotional literacy (understanding feelings)
- emotional regulatory system: threat, drive, soothe
- the ability to understand and act on the wisdom of our emotions
Your behaviors:
- good and bad habits
- how you care for your environment
- actions for self-care, such as exercise (or lack thereof)
- how we treat others
- work responsibilities and productivity
- social interactions
When you can identify things that allow you to feel your best, better habits and choices are possible. And if you know what depletes your energy, lowers your self-esteem, compromises your values, and discourages you in daily life, you are armed with vital information to take better care of yourself.
Internal Boundaries in Action
Let's look at healthy internal boundaries in action. This overview will help you understand the application and consider how you interact with yourself and the world.
- Sets limits on time, energy, and resources.
When we're tired, we rest. If we are struggling financially, we find ways to spend less and save. Whenever our schedules are full, we say “no” more often and are mindful of adding new commitments. - Makes decisions that align with values and goals.
Our values are top of mind and decisions are made that align with them. We prioritize what is most important to us. If family is a value, we create opportunities for quality time and connection. If security and financial stability are a value, we set aside a savings and expense fund. - Prioritizes self-care and self-compassion.
We give grace to ourselves and allow for mistakes. We don’t sacrifice our needs or allow others’ demands to impinge on our well-being. - Identifies and sets limits for our emotional state.
If we're upset, we take time to calm ourselves. When internal boundaries are strong, we quickly recognize our emotional triggers and manage our reactions, preventing impulsive behavior and emotional overwhelm.
This self-control and emotional management develop a sense of freedom because we are no longer at the mercy of external circumstances or other people's actions. - Maintains a sense of autonomy and self-respect.
We clearly define what is right for us and what is not. We respect and meet our needs to be at our best. We have a work-life balance and are attuned to our need for individual space versus social and relationship time. - Tells the truth; lives our truth.
Being honest with ourselves is a part of self-knowledge and the ability to be true to ourselves. Our personal truth drives our values and behaviors. - Is respectful and kind to self, family, and friends.
Valuing the integrity of our relationships, including our relationships with ourselves, we mindfully manage our words and emotional expression to nurture and vouchsafe the quality of our family, friendships, social groups, and work relationships. - Knows our limits and preferences; honors ourselves in relationships.
We understand ourselves and know what our strengths and weaknesses are so we can respond to life appropriately. We advocate for ourselves; we speak up for our needs while honoring others as well.
These deliberate responses allow us to maintain our personal integrity and reduce the likelihood of regret or emotional turmoil.
Step-by-Step Process for Setting Internal Boundaries Effectively
Below is a step-by-step process for learning how to set internal boundaries.
Define Your Boundaries Clearly
Once you have identified your needs, preferences, and limits, clearly define your internal boundaries. Be specific about what you will and will not tolerate from yourself and others.
For instance, decide on limits regarding your time, energy, and resources. A common one is getting eight to ten hours of sleep nightly. This health choice requires us to create habits that support this boundary, such as turning off the television earlier.
Write these boundaries down to make them more concrete and to remind yourself of your commitments. Clear definitions help you stay consistent and communicate your boundaries effectively when necessary.
Many people struggle with putting themselves first, so they might feel guilt, especially if they are accustomed to prioritizing other people’s needs over their own. Practice quelling feelings of guilt. Start by setting small boundaries in low-stakes situations, which can build your confidence over time.
For example, you have been working a lot lately and need time to recharge. Identify the need for rejuvenation and decide what will renew you. Then, commit to an activity that rejuvenates you on your off-time.
Implement and Practice Setting Internal Boundaries
Put your boundaries into practice daily.
Start with small, manageable boundaries and gradually build up to more challenging ones.
Possible mini-boundaries:
- Say no once a week. It can be as simple as turning down dessert at a meal or practicing leaving work on time.
- Try a self-calming practice once a day. When you feel anxious, notice it and breathe deeply.
- When your mind is being unkind or critical, redirect it by telling yourself something encouraging, such as, “I’ve done my best and my best is good enough.”
- Decline a social invitation when you’re feeling overwhelmed.
- Order take-out food and take a night off cooking.
- Set a positive intention each morning. This practice involves taking a few moments to reflect on how you want to feel. Setting a positive intention creates a mental roadmap that aligns your daily activities with your personal values and boundaries.
- Practice mindful self-awareness exercises once a day to stay in tune with your emotions and reactions.
Communicate Your Boundaries
While internal boundaries primarily focus on self-regulation, communicating them to others is crucial.
For example, if a friend consistently pressures you into activities you don’t enjoy, it’s essential to assert your boundaries politely but firmly. Find activities to do together that you both can enjoy.
Also, consider seeking support from trusted friends, family, or an emotional fitness coach. Discussing your boundaries and challenges with someone who respects and understands can provide valuable insights and encouragement. They can help you stay accountable and offer new perspectives.
Monitor Your Thoughts, Emotions, Words, and Actions.
Regularly review your boundaries to ensure they are still serving your needs and supporting your growth.
Life circumstances change, and so should your boundaries.
Reflect on any challenges or successes you’ve experienced and adjust your boundaries accordingly.
This ongoing process of reflection and intentional adjustment helps you to fine-tune your actions and continue to develop stronger internal boundaries.
Related reading: "Why Emotional Health Depends on the Vital Mind-Body Connection."
Reflect on Your Day in the Evening before Bed
At the end of each day, take time to reflect on how well you adhered to your values, goals, and internal boundaries.
Consider what went well and where you may have struggled. This introspection isn't about self-criticism but rather learning to self-correct and grow every day.
Ask yourself questions like:
- “Did I respect my limits today?"
- “What can I do differently tomorrow to better honor my boundaries?”
- “Were there circumstances where I gave up myself more than usual?”
By regularly reflecting, you strengthen your ability to spot unnecessary compromises and enforce more effective boundaries, enhancing your emotional resilience and well-being.
Wrap-Up Thoughts
Self-management through internal boundary setting is a key component of emotional intelligence. Boundaries—both internal and external—are key to our personal freedom. They empower us to navigate complex emotional and social situations confidently and respond to challenges in a healthy and constructive manner.
Do you want to go deeper? Get our mini-course on how to set healthy boundaries.
Frequently Asked Questions
How do you set boundaries for yourself?
To set boundaries for yourself, start by increasing self-awareness to understand your needs, values, and comfort levels. Clearly define what you want to achieve with your boundaries, considering guidelines for how you wish to treat yourself and how you expect others to treat you.
Develop a positive internal dialogue that reinforces your self-worth and the importance of setting internal boundaries. Practice assertiveness by consistently upholding your boundaries, even when you have doubts or feel pressured by others.
Lastly, remain flexible and adaptable. Reassessing and adjusting your boundaries as your needs and circumstances change ensure they remain effective and relevant.
What are some examples of internal boundaries?
One example of setting internal boundaries is knowing and honoring your limits. Recognize your limits (physically, mentally, and emotionally) and make decisions based on what you can realistically handle—no pushing through to burnout!
For instance, you might be invited to join a podcast as a guest—an exciting opportunity! However, you also know that your upcoming schedule is already too hectic and will be stressful so you ask if another date might be possible.
Or you go to the gym with a friend who works out with weights regularly; knowing you haven't, you don't try to keep up and do the same workout. You consider what would be a healthy stretch for you but keep you safe from injury.
Another example of acting on your internal boundaries is to reflect on your day to fine-tune your responses, decisions, and behaviors in the future. This one practice can transform the quality of your life!
Contact Heartmanity for customized support for growth and transformation.
Want to go deeper? Try this online course, which will help you develop greater self-awareness and emotional intelligence through exercises and new skills.
