If you’re experiencing emotional burnout or feel like you overgive and get easily drained, it may be time to increase your emotional intelligence quotient (EQ).
Research shows it’s not caring or empathizing that depletes a person but the vulnerabilities of the giver. I used to think giving without considering myself was loving; I was wrong. With EQ skills, such as emotional regulation and healthy boundaries, I can now give far more without burnout—and you can, too!
Estimated reading time: 5 minutes
Many people misinterpret being emotionally drained with caring too much, giving too much, and empathizing too much.
However, empathy and burnout are not even distant cousins! Giving is energizing, not draining... unless the giving fits into the eight signs described below.
Emotional Intelligence, Growth Mindset, and Personal Growth
Understandably, we develop coping strategies, especially when growing up in trauma, neglect, and without secure attachment.
However, if you’d like to thrive and become the best version of yourself, developing emotional intelligence skills and a growth mindset is imperative.
In personal growth and emotional intelligence, I’ve found it helpful to identify blindspots and areas where our skills may be lacking. By isolating them, we are better equipped to distinguish between what is healthy and unhealthy.
One of those most critical skills that is deficient for many are the ability to set personal and emotional boundaries. Although being too empathetic or an empath is often cited, too much empathy is a myth.
The 8 Signs that Indicate You Need Emotional Boundaries
Below is a breakdown of typical challenges that block our ability to be empathetic with one another while also considering what is right for us. These are the real culprits of empathy burnout.
You may recognize yourself in one or more of these symptoms. I encourage you to be gentle and compassionate with yourself as you read through them.
Difficulty Distinguishing Your Emotions from Others'
When you lack clear emotional boundaries, you may find yourself absorbing others’ feelings as if they were your own. This emotional enmeshment makes it challenging to separate what you're feeling from what others are experiencing.
When we are enmeshed with others due to similar unresolved emotions, it can be extremely draining.
Examples for a Lack of Emotional Boundaries:
- You feel anxious when someone around you is anxious, even when their situation doesn't directly affect you.
- After personal or professional interactions, you're unsure whether your feelings originated from you or were absorbed from others.
- You walk away from a conversation and notice that your energy has been completely depleted even though you felt perfectly fine prior to the interaction.
- You are a chameleon, taking on the emotional tone of whoever you're with, losing your own emotional baseline.
These signs were all too familiar for me when I was younger. I was a pleaser chameleon who took on everyone’s feelings, problems, and was able to change my energy and emotion to match the person in every interaction. It was not only exhausting, but I lost myself in the midst of taking on this persona.
Developing healthy emotional boundaries was a life-saver for me and continues to enrich my life every day.
Constant Feelings of Overwhelm.
Without boundaries, you’ll likely overcommit and take on too many responsibilities, spreading yourself thin. This tendency creates an enormous sense of overwhelm, even exhaustion.
Examples of Overwhelm:
- Feeling perpetually overwhelmed by others' needs and expectations.
- Having little time left for self-care or activities that bring you joy.
- Experiencing increasing difficulty managing stress, leading to burnout or emotional exhaustion.
- The only time you relax is when you are alone. (There are no expectations, no demands, no kids or adults pulling on your time and energy.)
- Experiencing guilt when prioritizing your own needs.
For me, years ago, I felt like I was always letting someone down—including and MOSTLY myself; no matter how much I did, it was never enough.
Overwhelm and this sign of a lack of emotional boundaries is your brain signaling you to TAKE CARE OF YOU, set better boundaries, and simplify your commitments to match your highest values.
Inability to Say "No" and People-Pleasing Behavior.
One of the clearest indicators of insufficient boundaries is struggling to set boundaries for our children or adults in our lives. It is exhausting when we are unable to say no or decline requests, even when they're unreasonable, reoccurring, or draining to you.
Examples for the Inability to Set Boundaries:
- The word “no” feels difficult to say, foreign, or causes guilt.
- You prioritize others’ happiness at the expense of your own well-being.
- You feel responsible for managing others’ emotions and reactions.
- You sacrifice your own needs to avoid disappointing others.
- Even when you're exhausted and overwhelmed, you say "yes" to one more request even though you yearn to say no.
With all the many views, opinions, interests, and preferences, without the ability to say no and set boundaries for our family, friends, and at work, it is near impossible to maintain mental and emotional health.
Increased Resentment Toward Others.
When you consistently put others' needs before your own without healthy boundaries, resentment inevitably builds.
Examples of Growing Resentment in Relationships:
- Growing frustration toward people you care about.
- Feeling taken advantage of or that your kindness is being exploited.
- You feel used and disrespected. Your adult children only call when they need something.
- Bitterness that develops over time, even if you never express it outwardly.
- A cycle where unspoken needs lead to festering issues and eventual emotional blowouts, breakdowns, and burnouts.
Related reading: "Is Zero Resentment in a Relationship Possible?"
Heightened Anxiety When Separating from Others.
In emotional fusion, independence feels threatening rather than healthy. Somewhere along the line, a person has learned to acquire safety by anticipating the needs of others and keeping others dependent on them.
Examples of Emotional Fusion:
- Feeling intense anxiety when others make choices different from yours.
- You're anxious when you don't know where your partner is or when you are not with them. Jealousy can arise from the inability to be autonomous.
- You feel selfish or it feels "wrong" when you act independently or go against what someone else wants.
- Feeling betrayed when others want to do something separate from you or you aren’t invited to an event or gathering.
Loss of Personal Identity.
Without boundaries, our sense of self becomes increasingly blurred. It is common for people pleasers to completely lose themselves by keeping their attention on pleasing others.
If you struggle with knowing who you are, identifying your purpose, or feeling drained after interactions, it may be time to invest in personal growth and professional support.
Examples of a Possible Lack of Individuation and Self-Awareness:
- Difficulty or confusion with identifying or voicing your opinions and preferences, especially when they differ from others.
- Adapting your personality to please whoever you're with.
- Losing touch with activities and interests that give you joy.
- Feeling unheard or invisible in relationships.
- Going along with people even when you object.
Controlling or Compliant Behavior
When boundaries are underdeveloped, unhealthy relationship dynamics emerge as a way to manage the uncertainty and lack of confidence. Often, when we seek to control, we're unable to regulate or handle discomforting emotions. The person may also feel inadequate in a situation and doubt their abilities to handle it.
When we are the one being controlled, there is generally a fear of conflict, disapproval, or loss of love. Being conjoined is easier than the displeasure of upsetting someone by being separate and autonomous.
Either response limits the health of relationships and inhibits our own well-being.
Examples of the Controlling/Compliance Dynamic:
- Using tactics like silence, withdrawal, withholding love, or emotional outbursts to get a person to do something.
- Feeling pressured to express agreement even when you disagree.
- Experiencing intense conflict that ends poorly, often causing defensiveness and bitterness in the relationship.
- Feeling trapped in power struggles in important relationships both at home and work.
- Seeking to get others to adopt a viewpoint, which can result in arguments (or complying too quickly, giving up oneself).
Physical Symptoms of Stress and Burnout.
The body often signals boundary issues even before the mind fully recognizes them. The body holds wisdom from all past experiences and can alert you to your needs if you pay attention. Continual sickness, pain, insomnia or restless sleep could be signs of burnout.
Examples of Signs of Stress Leading to Burnout:
- Persistent fatigue that doesn't improve with rest.
- Anxiety and hypervigilance interfering with your well-being.
- Tension headaches, digestive issues, or other stress-related physical symptoms.
- Trouble sleeping or restless sleep
- Feeling physically drained or depressed after social interactions
Understanding these signs isn't about reducing your capacity for empathy; these signs allow you to better and more quickly recognize when you need to flex your personal boundaries and take care of yourself.
If you'd like to build greater empathy without burnout, try our workbook for real practice.
And if you’d like personalized support, contact Heartmanity. Empathy is one of Jennifer’s specialties!
