Stop Gossip When a Person Is Talking Bad About Someone with These Simple Steps

Gossip. Backbiting. Complaining.

Years ago, when a friend and I would meet for lunch, somehow, it invariably turned into a meal of complaints or a conversation orbiting around the critique of others. I’d walk away from the luncheon splattered with the emotional mud of gossip, feeling disappointed and reticent to get together in the future. It could be months before we got together again, partly because of the heavy feeling in my heart.

Estimated reading time: 6 minutes

However, I wanted relationships that challenged me to be my best self and also held me accountable to be kind and loving. To create trustworthy relationships that were strong enough to handle  transparency, I committed to putting honesty and kindness first, regardless of the fear of my friend’s reaction.

So, I scheduled a lunch with the friend mentioned above. After catching up about our kids, I said I needed to talk to her about something that was really hard for me. This intro got her attention—and what happened next really surprised me!

More on that in a moment!

What Is Gossip and What Makes Gossip So Enticing?

Gossiping or incessant complaining are unhealthy habits but so easy to indulge in—like that delicious peanut butter satin pie topped with whipped cream that you enjoy but makes your stomach queasy afterward. (Yum!)

You might be surprised that social scientists believe that gossip is an evolutionary relic that we used to protect one another.

How do we stop gossiping when our brains are wired to keep listening or set a boundary for others who gossip? And what is the best way to be a good friend when you find yourself listening to unkind words?

Or maybe you’re the one gossiping, and it feels out of sync with who you really are, and you want to stop. Standing up to gossip can be unnerving; it was for me the first time.

One of the reasons we often participate in gossip is the enticement of belonging, which is a basic need. Gossiping, whether it’s workplace gossip or gabbing at happy hour, gives us a sense of power and the evolutionary upper hand; we feel safer knowing we won’t be excluded or caught off guard by someone untrustworthy. However, if you check in with yourself, you may also find that gossiping fulfills an artificial way to feel closer to people.

Back to my story.

After pointing out our tendency toward negativity and gossip, I told my friend that I didn’t feel good about this pattern and how it often left me with a bad taste after our time together. I let her know that our friendship was too important to me to risk tainting it with bad habits that would corrode it. I asked her if perhaps she felt the same way. Although she was reticent to disclose her feelings initially, it turned out she did feel similarly.

We agreed to hold each other accountable to be kind and avoid talking unkindly about anyone. And the agreement not only stuck, but it also transformed the quality of our relationship.

I’ve been drawing boundaries around gossip ever since, and it’s allowed me to develop authentic connections and closeness in my relationships. You can do this, too!

Related reading: “How to Change Habits and Create a Life You Love!”

Understanding the Psychological Reasons Behind Gossip

Gossip is often seen as a negative behavior, but it serves various psychological purposes and as stated above is evolutionary.

Let's look at reasons why people might engage in gossip behind others' backs.

1. Seeking Social Acceptance and Connection

Gossip can be a way for people to attempt to connect and bond. By sharing "insider" information, people can feel a false sense of closeness, even intimacy. Sharing secrets helps establish common ground and can strengthen social ties, making individuals feel more connected and accepted within their circle.

Though it's not the healthiest foundation for relationships, it offers a sense of belonging and connection. Gossip can simply be a way to fit in socially.

2.  Wrestling with Insecurity

Those who frequently gossip are revealing their own insecurities. Whenever we criticize others, we often dislike the same quality in ourselves. Whatever painful memories we haven't yet integrated can be triggered to invoke nonproductive behavior such as gossip. Criticizing others often reflects a lack of self-esteem or self-acceptance. By focusing on others' flaws, they momentarily mask their own and distract others away from where they might feel most vulnerable.

3. Craving Reassurance

Conversations involving gossip can serve as a powerful social lubricant, offering common ground for individuals seeking reassurance or inclusion within a group. This shared experience can be particularly comforting for those feeling isolated or unsure of themselves. Instead of introspection, gossip offers an easy route for self-validation. Frequently, gossip sparks attention; even negative attention fulfills a need to be feel validated by our peers.

4. Fueled by Jealousy, Loneliness, or Boredom

Gossip can arise from struggles with confidence. It provides an outlet for expressing envy towards those perceived as more successful or fortunate. By comparing themselves to others, people can attempt to elevate their status and validate their self-worth through others' shortcomings.

For some, gossip is a way to fill the void of loneliness or dissatisfaction with their own lives. It can even become a pastime, distracting them from their personal struggles and a coping mechanism to avoid experiencing uncomfortable emotions. Gossiping is a hook to grab people's attention, which makes the person the center of attention.

5. Information Sharing as a Tool

Gossip is a method of sharing essential information, even if it may be distorted or exaggerated. For instance, discussing a workplace dynamics can prepare new employees, helping them navigate social challenges more effectively. Although gossip is often misguided, the person can be unaware of the harm.

Steps to Replace Gossip with Genuine Connection with Yourself and Others

STEP 1:  Observe yourself and your interactions.

The first step is to observe your daily conversations and how you interact.

When you notice a thorn in your heart or are feeling a little off, pay attention.

Perhaps, you need to regulate big feelings so you can take action appropriately. Maybe a heart-to-heart conversation with your spouse or a good friend is overdue.

Healthy and loving relationships and friendships are there to uplift, support, and nurture you with reciprocity.

STEP 2: Identify what relationships and circumstances make you vulnerable to gossip.

After observing yourself for a couple of weeks, pinpoint what you don’t like and the people who goad you to either be an active or passive participant in gossip. Consciously decide what you want instead and define exactly what that might look like.

For example, with my friend, I pinpointed our negative bent toward complaining and criticizing others. At the time, she was the primary person in my life stirring with the gossip spoon, so that’s where I started.

STEP 3:  Choose your starting point.

After you’ve figured out the trouble spot, decide where you want to begin. Don’t try to change everything at once because it’s likely you won’t be successful; it’s far more effective to start small.

Since I identified that gossiping with my friend only happened when it was just the two of us face-to-face, I chose to open a discussion with her in the same manner.

STEP 4: Design your success strategy.

Just like a basketball or football coach sketching out strategies for their players, it’s helpful for you to do the same. Perhaps, you begin by pruning your own behavior from tendencies of encouraging gossip in conversations at work. Or, if you decide to start with a particular relationship like me, set a time and place to create safety and needed privacy for a meaningful conversation. Plan out what you’re going to say and what to do if they react.

STEP 5: Take ACTION!

It could be easy to talk yourself out of setting a boundary for gossip or unhealthy behavior—don’t!

Give yourself ample time to think through your strategy and rehearse as needed, but don’t allow apprehension or fear to keep you from taking a step in the right direction, no matter how small your progress is. Follow through. Regardless of how the conversation goes, it will launch a whole new level of self-respect and confidence.

What’s most important is that you listen to your own heart. Pay attention to what feels right to you and act on it.

It may be uncomfortable to set a boundary when it means that the other person could react negatively, but it will be worth it. (And they may surprise you and feel relief.)

The first time we attempt a new behavior, it's clumsy, and we often make mistakes when learning, so go easy on yourself. Taking action will require more of you—stretching into the uncomfortable is the essence of growth. Don't let a comfort zone keep you in the habit of gossiping or complaining. Be bold. Choose the higher road.

But what if you're the one who is the target of gossip!?

What to Do When You're the Target of Gossip

Of course, our character and reputation are precious so hearing negative comments, snide remarks, or unkind rumors sting. How we handle ourselves in challenges and respond are crucial. If you find yourself the target of gossip, there are several strategies you can apply to address the situation.

Assess the Situation

First off, take a few deep breathes. It's tempting to launch into  retaliation and react in ways that you may regret later. So, before taking action, evaluate the impact of the gossip and fully consider your options. Pick the one that matches your values best.

• Determine if the gossip is affecting your reputation or relationships.
• Consider whether ignoring it might be the best course of action, letting it die on the vine.
• Reflect on whether there's any truth to the gossip that you need to address. If there's merit in the gossip, consider it as feedback for personal growth.
• Be open to addressing any valid issues and let the experience motivate you to be better instead of allowing it to upset you.
  
• Discern if you've hurt the person(s) in any way that may have triggered the gossip. When people feel hurt, they sometimes want to hurt us to let us know.

Respond Calmly and Strategically

If you decide to address the gossip, consider different approaches and the results (or consequences) they might create. Below are several ways of handling the situation.

Confront the Source

Of course, you can confront the source IF you know it. Sometimes, it's difficult to determine. If you're uncertain, go on a fact-finding adventure. Identify if what you heard is even true and reliable.If you decide to face the person, follow these guidelines:

• Approach the gossiper directly in a non-confrontational manner
• Express how their comments have affected you using
  I-messages and refraining from blame.
  
• Presume innocence; let them disclose before going further.
• Ask them to clarify what was said.
• Inquire if you've done anything to upset them that invoked their behavior.
• Request that they refrain from spreading rumors in the future.
• Ask them to come to you directly if they have a disagreement or problem with you..
  
• Establish clear boundaries for what you will and won't tolerate.

Focus on Your Self-Care

When we are stressed or challenged socially, sometimes, the best action is to take care of ourselves, lavishly! Practice self-care and set positive intentions for the situation to resolve itself and for the truth to come out naturally.

Here are few ways that may be helpful:

• Regulate your negative emotions through relaxation techniques and mindfulness exercises.
• Practice self-compassion and remember that gossip often reflects more on the gossiper than on you.
• Engage in activities that help you reflect and use the experience to grow into a better version of. yourself.
• Call to mind those who love and care for you, who know who you are. You know, the ones who truly matter what they think!
• Dive into a passion or hobby you love
  

Maintain Your Kindness and Integrity 

What's vital in a difficult situation, especially with gossip, is to find your center. Ground into your core values and get in touch with the person you want to be. Sometimes, people use others' unkindness or disrespect to justify their own reactions.

• Let your actions speak for themselves by continuing to live with integrity.
• Focus on being genuinely happy and successful in your endeavors.
• Surround yourself with supportive people who know your true character.
• Confide in trusted friends and family for emotional support.
• Consider objective and professional support if the gossip is causing emotional distress
  

Take Preventative Measures

To minimize the impact of future gossip:

• Be honest and transparent in your actions and communications.
• Build strong, positive relationships personally and professionally.
• Avoid participating in gossip about others, setting a good example. Stick up for those not present and refuse to partake in negative or critical behavior.
  

Remember, while you can't control what others say, you can control your response.

And modeling is the most powerful impact in social circles. Be your best self and allow the truth to shine on your behalf.

Check out Heartmanity’s resources! Transforming people’s lives is our business. If you’d like support in personal growth, we’re here for you! Reach out and contact us at support@heartmanity.com.

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