When to Give Up on Your Grown Child—Never!

It’s an entirely different time for our children who were raised on smartphones, social media likes, instant answers from AI, and FaceTime on speed dial across thousands of miles.

Your kids grew up on a steady diet of technology so it's commonplace for them to post on social media or text instead of call. What works for you might not work for your child.

Instead of “giving up” or “letting go” (which both suggest loss or losing connection), shift the lens to redefining or reshaping your role. 

If you’re clinging to an idea of what your relationship with your grown child should look like, or what you always imagined it would look like, you may be missing out on opportunities for connection.

This new parenting stage requires you to adapt and embrace new ways of loving.

Related reading: "5 Parenting Tips to Successfully Deal with Disrespectful Adult Children."

The Terrifying Question:  "Am I Done Trying?"

Let’s be real—most parents never imagine that one day they might want to give up on their own child.

It feels unthinkable.

And yet, here you are, wondering if you’ve hit that wall.

Maybe you’ve been ignored for months, or your adult child blocked you; maybe every interaction spirals into hostility. Whatever the reason, you’re likely on the verge of despair and exhaustion if you're reading this blog.

Somewhere deep inside, you’re whispering a terrifying question: “Am I done trying?”

Here’s what I want you to know: asking that question doesn’t make you a bad parent. It makes you human and requires courage to be honest with yourself.

Your parent-child relationship—whatever the challenges—has crossed a line of what feels like no return. Wherever you are in this process, your feelings and experience deserve to be acknowledged.

But “done trying” doesn’t have to mean quitting on your child.

This limit can mean done with the way you’ve been trying—done with begging for scraps, done with sacrificing, done with exposing yourself to continual hurt.

In this rawness, it’s time to pause and reassess.

Ask: What would a healthier parent-child relationship look like with my adult child?

Not your friend’s relationship with their child; not the Hollywood version, not a TikTok meme you just watched, but yours!

Perhaps, it’s fewer texts but more loving ones. Maybe it’s showing love through patience, rather than pressure or trying to convince them that the direction they're going is all wrong.

And yes, it might mean you press a pause button in the relationship to step back and protect your own mental health. If every interaction leaves you shattered, space to heal and regroup may be needed. But let it be a pause, not a permanent lock.

So, no, you’re not done in the sense of cutting off the relationship. You’re exploring what it means to continue loving your child AND yourself.

That’s a brave, compassionate step.

Related reading: "5 Effective Ways to Deepen Your Relationship with Your Adult Children."

Conditional Love and Mixed Messages Create Unnecessary Distance

Parents rarely decide in one moment to give up. Instead, it happens in small, almost invisible ways stacked on top of one another.

Emotional withdrawal sneaks in before you even realize it.

I've worked with parents of young adults with many various challenges:

• serious screen addiction
• long-term depression
• a struggle with drugs
• unable to hold a job
• out-of-control spending

The one thing all of these parenting challenges have in common is how difficult it can be as a parent.

It requires enormous self-awareness (and willingness) on the part of parents to respond with unconditional love, again and again and again.

The big question is: "Is your love conditional or unconditional?"

Do you give love without expecting something in return?

Often, parents communicate contradictory or unclear messages, even when their intentions are loving.

For example, a parent might say they just want their child to be happy and independent, but in their words or actions, they may express disappointment, frustration, or even disgust about their child’s choices.

This inconsistency can leave adult children feeling unsure about where they stand. As a result, grown children may interpret their parent’s mixed signals as a lack of acceptance, which only widens the gap in your relationship.

One mom I coached who lived in South Africa was heart-broken when her daughter moved to the states and rarely communicated. She worried about her daughter being able to make it on her own. But it wasn't her daughter who was struggling; it was her mom. She didn't know how to manage her intense emotions in her daughter's absence.

Distinguishing between the story our mind tells us and what's factual and true is a first good step toward greater self-awareness.

There’s no question about it: to continue to care when your child refuses to communicate or blocks you altogether is unbelievably excruciating.

However, to keep on trying and finally have your adult child succeed and your relationship heal is profound.

We only have power over our own thoughts, emotions, and responses. Therein lies our true power.

Below is Gibran’s insightful poem that I first read when I was in my twenties. Moved by its meaning, I continued to meditate on it after becoming a parent. Take a moment to read it; it may help you to regain perspective.

Turn Unconscious Parenting to Conscious Parenting

As mentioned previously, parents can be unaware of the mixed messages, subtle signs of disapproval, attempts to control, or secret agendas and expectations.

And sometimes, there are so many emotions that it is hard to see clearly. When we don't emotionally regulate ourselves, unresolved feelings can create misunderstanding in a relationship.

Here are two examples that illustrate how conflict and distance can grow between ourselves and our grown child unknowingly.

Real-Life Example #1:

One young adult I coached lived in Montana; she had moved from the East Coast a few years earlier. Every time she'd call her mom, her mom would launch into criticism and hurtful (and untrue) accusations. It made her daughter feel like not calling or visiting at all. She would get off the phone, feeling terrible and confused.

I encouraged her to set a kind but firm boundary the next time her mother turned their conversation into target practice.

To my client's credit, even though she was very anxious about doing it, she set a loving boundary and hung up the phone.

What came next really surprised her!

Her mom called back fifteen minutes later apologizing for her behavior. She admitted that she was punishing her daughter for moving across country so far away and she missed her horribly!

From there, they were able to figure out a way to stay close and connected while also honoring her daughter's choice to live in the Northwest. There is no resolution when we cloak our real feelings in an attempt to keep the peace.

Now, they Facetime regularly and go on get-aways together. Plus, her daughter visits more often knowing her mom's true feelings.

Sometimes, people who lash out in anger are just hurting and need compassion and boundaries! When we do something different respectfully, they can reassess how they're behaving.

It's like holding up a mirror.

Real-Life Example #2:

In a completely different scenario, I worked with a mother who had built a parent-child relationship on loaning money and buying expensive gifts for her grown daughter. It wasn't until the mother said "no" and required her daughter to forge her own way that they began to create an honest and authentic relationship.

Her daughter later admitted that she thought her mom believed she was incapable of being successful in life. Ouch!

Usually, it's not what happens in relationships that's the problem. It's the false conclusions and meaning we draw about our interactions.

Remember that the walls and armor we construct in relationships deny us the closeness we desire.

Symptoms of Disconnecting and Giving Up

Some feelings want to hide, but feel them all!

Open to your sadness, grief, anger, resentment, and perhaps, an urge to punish your child for crushing the ideal relationship you wanted.

Here are a few of the thoughts and emotions that are often hidden and not talked about that a parent could be thinking:

• “You should do better.”
• “I’m over your disregard for all we’ve given you!”
• “You selfish and self-centered…”
• “I’ve given it all, what more do you expect?”
• “I didn’t sign on for this!”
• “We’ve given you every opportunity to take responsibility for your choices. We’re done.”
• You have no idea what I went through to raise you!”
• “If you can’t succeed with what we’ve given you, it’s on you.”
• “Shame on you for not being the child we raised you to be.”
• How dare you judge us for how we parented; we did our best.

It’s tough allowing yourself to be truly honest—no matter what the challenge is in your relationship with your adult child.

If you’re unsure of how much distance you’ve taken emotionally from your child or have not yet acknowledged just how angry (and hurt) you are, here are some questions to ask yourself.

• Have you stopped asking how they’re doing because you’ve already decided they’re a lost cause?
  
  
• Have you stopped inviting them to join you for coffee, dinner, or a visit?
  
  
• Do you censor your questions altogether because their answers are dismissive?
  
  
• Did you send thoughtful texts previously, but now just click “loved,” and call it good? Or not text at all?
  
  
• Have you withdrawn your love to punish your adult child? (I get it; no parent wants to admit this one, but it just means you’re deeply hurting.)
  
  
• Do you fantasize about cutting them off financially to “teach them a lesson”?
  
  
• Are you rehearsing telling them off and saying, “Good riddance”?
  
  
• Is there a recurring narrative in your mind: “After everything I’ve done for you, this is how you treat me?"

These thoughts may feel wrong, or even shameful, so, you push them down and “try” to stay “loving” or cordial. Don't!

You have a right to your feelings, no matter how much you might ignore them.

Are you running from the terrifying possibility that you’ve lost your child forever? Or avoiding the guilt-ridden fear that you may have failed as a parent?

Your child feels it, even if you never say a word. Each withdrawal matters.

Time to Lean into Your Truth and Renovate Those Stuffed Feelings

Here’s something we rarely admit out loud: parenting adult children highlights just how insecure and immature we are as parents.

They challenge us and often stir very uncomfortable feelings with their words and actions.

Putting up defenses and feeling stuffers is natural when we're hurting, but we then are cutting ourselves off from important information.

Acknowledge ALL of your truth!

Being real and vulnerable is oxygen to a relationship on life support.

When you acknowledge the helplessness that you’re feeling and peel back anger, you’ll be able to take mindful action.

There’s a quote I have come to appreciate: “Anger is just sad’s bodyguard.” Others say, “Anger is grief’s armor.”

Regardless, vulnerable feelings lie underneath anger.

Like the mother's harshness with her daughter in Example #1 above was actually the mother's unprocessed grief pushed down and zip-locked with anger.

It is human to have conflicting emotions; they are different parts of ourselves speaking up and advocating for resolution.

It’s time to be compassionately, yet relentlessly honest, with yourself.

For instance,

• Yes, I feel jealous of their partner getting more time and attention than me.
• It hurts when they share how much fun they had in Costa Rica with friends and refuse to visit even during holidays.
• Yep, I want to lash out in anger when I feel rejected or stupid.
• I feel like I’ve failed as a parent when you can’t control your behavior (or we can't have a simple conversation without arguing).
• Our communication needs an overhaul!
• There is NO communication; only an echo chamber.
• I want to do better, but I don’t know how. The loneliness and helplessness are agonizing.

Do any of these sound familiar?

When you can direct self-compassion to our internal warring, it is disarmed. Instead of unconsciously reacting, we can pause and choose a healthier response.

Better responses have better results.

A Compassionate Practice for Mining Your True Feelings

If you're dealing with a lot of big or intense feelings, you may be lashing out or shutting down; neither lead to resolution. Here’s a practice that may help:

STEP 1: When you notice a negative, critical, or hurtful thought, write it down. No censoring. Get it out of your head and onto paper.

STEP 2: Read it back and say to yourself: “This is what I think, not who I am.”

STEP 3: Ask: “What’s underneath this thought?” Hurt? Fear? Longing?”

STEP 4: Then decide: "What action reflects the parent I want to be, not just the pain I feel right now?"

STEP 5: Repeat the process.

This exercise doesn’t mean you excuse or swallow the disrespectful behavior of your adult child.

Boundaries are essential.

Parenting adult children can be messy. You will feel things you never expected. This reality is also true for your adult child.

Every child wants to believe they’re lovable, regardless of how outlandish their behavior.

Is your adult child interpreting your responses as indifference or rejection even though inside you’re aching for closeness?

Getting Honest—and Closer to Our Child—through Greater Self-Awareness

Every parent I’ve ever worked with wanted to be their best parent. However, many times, they were unaware how their energy, words, expressions, and actions contributed to the distasteful outcomes in their parent-child relationships.

Ask yourself: “Am I protecting myself, or am I punishing them by pulling away?”

Instead of slowly starving the relationship, try clear, compassionate boundaries.

For example: “I’d love to hear from you more often, but I also know you’re busy. I’m going to check in once a week—if you can respond, great. If not, I’ll trust that you’re doing well.”

Stay present without robbing yourself of inner peace. When we ignore any unrealistic expectations we place on our child, we are the robbers. It's crazymaking to expect something from our child that they may not be able or willing to give to us.

Pulling away doesn’t have to mean cutting them off. You can step back while still sending love: “I’m here. I love you. I’m not going to chase you, but the door of my heart is always open.”

Be an example of how to love EVEN when it’s hard; even when your child doesn’t do what you would like. Even if the relationship you dreamt of having seems impossible, keep on loving.

Reframing “Giving Up” as a Different Kind of Holding On

When you think about giving up on your grown child, it sounds final, doesn't it? And it can feel like you’re throwing the relationship away.

What if you reframed it?

What if giving up actually meant giving up on the old ways of relating—and holding on in a new way?

Holding on differently might look like shifting from constant pursuit to being a quiet support. 

I had one young woman tell me that her parents expected her to answer phone calls in the middle of her workday and were hurt when she returned their phone call on her lunch break or right after work. (Expecting an immediate response time is an unrealistic request unless it's an emergency.)

Instead of calling and feeling crushed when your child doesn’t pick up, send a short, heartfelt note or text.

One father I know sends a weekly text with a quote and what it means to him. He wasn’t sure if the ritual even mattered to his kids until he forgot one week. His daughter told him she missed his quote that week.

Instead of lecturing about their choices, offer encouragement.

Rather than trying to fix the relationship, witness to and honor their adulthood.

Give responses without expectation! Being presence means loving without pressure or trying to control the outcome.

This positioning gives your child space—and freedom—to come closer. When they feel you’re not demanding, chasing, or judging, the relationship can breathe again. They can begin to replace the old lens through which they have come to see you or move beyond the old parenting behaviors that may have hurt them.

Reframing your choice from giving up to mindfully holding on helps release the suffocating guilt for all.

You’re not quitting.

You’re maturing in love.

You’re holding on to what matters most—love and connection in the relationship.

Loosen the grip on what DOESN"T work:

• Constant access.
• Demanding respect when you are disrespectful.
• Daily validation that they care.
• Expecting them to make you feel better about your parenting.
• Taking too much responsibility for their adulthood.
• A sense of entitlement. Here's the thinking: because you raised them, they should want to be in relationship with you.

So yes, let’s give up—but not on your adult children!

Let’s give up on old behavioral patterns that exhaust and discourage you.

Let go of the old relationship that’s not working so you can create a new and improved one.

Shed anger, resentment, and jealousy to make more room for love and acceptance.

HOLD ON as their safe place and loving support and presence.

It’s time for growth—for both of you!

For parenting support, reach out to Heartmanity!