Friendship may be one of life's most precious gifts in our lives. Yet, in today's culture, the talk of toxic people and blocking or ghosting has sadly become mainstream. As loneliness and anxiety skyrocket, I wonder if the inability to make and maintain friendships is one of the causes.
Recently, there have been many discussions in my coaching practice about dying friendships, the need for boundaries with friends, and an inability to make new friends as adults.
Estimated reading time: 4 minutes
In a society where individualism and independence are highly prized, and careers devour a big portion of our time and energy, making and sustaining genuine friendships is challenging. Add raising a family and personal commitments to that list, and, well, nurturing friendships might be at the bottom of priorities.
I am fortunate to have long-lasting friendships from childhood and many others I call friends, with my husband as my best friend and confidante.
For me, the greatest obstacle is time. Is that true for you, too?
In the past month, I've made an effort to call my truest friends. All three conversations were energizing and completely renewed me. Filled with family updates, deep philosophical bantering, belly-laughing quips and storytelling, two hours melted quickly with lasting smiles in my heart.
These connections reminded me again how true friendships profoundly contribute to and affect our lives. They hold our history and weave meaning into our lives.
What Exactly Is Friendship?
Friendship is a natural bond, sometimes even an affinity and resonance between people. It is characterized by mutual affection, trust, and support. It's a relationship that goes deeper than an acquaintance, offering camaraderie, belonging, understanding, and often, lots of laughter.
As a client once beautifully put it, "A true friend is someone who knows all my stories." We only tell a true friend our stories; vulnerability unfolds as we reveal ourselves to another person. Thus, sometimes, revealing ourselves to ourselves!
The essence of a friendship is an invisible yet deeply felt connection that weathers life's ups and downs. Whether you move out of state or across the globe, genuine friendships endure and adapt.
With a really good friend, you can pick up where you left off seamlessly as if no time had elapsed.
The Ingredients of a Good Friend
One of the most critical components of any relationship is equity. Most of us know or have experienced by now the drain of a lopsided relationship that is co-dependent.
As someone who has spent decades studying emotional intelligence and human relationships, I've observed certain qualities that consistently appear in strong, lasting friendships.
Let's explore these essential traits that define a truly good friend.
Trustworthiness Is a Cornerstone of All Friendships
At the top of the list is trustworthiness, and at the heart of every meaningful friendship.
A good friend is someone you can trust and confide in without fear of judgment. You can share your fears and insecurities, and they are met with acceptance and compassion. Good friends keep your confidence, are kind and gentle toward your vulnerabilities, and do not use personal information as ammo or entertain themselves with gossip.
A good friend shows up—not just for the fun times—but especially when things get tough. They're the ones who offer to help you move, bring soup when you're sick, or sit with you in silence when words just aren't enough.
When my father died, a high school friend came to his memorial service. I sat away from everyone for a breath of solitude; she sought me out. There were no words. She sat down next to me and extended her hand on my leg with warmth and comfort. No words. No awkwardness. A common, silent language of friends.
This consistent presence in our lives and unwavering reliability create a safe space for people to relax and be their authentic selves.
Empathy Is Present When Needed
Empathy, the ability to understand and share the feelings of another, is crucial for friendship connections. A good friend doesn't just hear your words; they tune into your emotions, offer comfort during tough times and genuine excitement when you have a win.
This friend makes you feel completely understood, heard and felt. You can count on them to be fully present to you. They listen well and don't inordinately focus on themselves or use feeling stoppers when you're trying to share something personal.
And, of course, you reciprocate, cementing the bond.
Related reading: "How to Talk with Someone with Empathy—and What to Avoid."
The Courage to Be Honest When It's Difficult
While honesty can sometimes be uncomfortable, it's a vital quality in true friendship. A good friend has the courage to tell you the truth, even when it's tough. They offer constructive criticism with kindness and keep your best interests at heart. Good friends have the guts to say it like it is!
They celebrate your successes while offering encouragement during setbacks; they are a sounding board at pivotal moments of life. They ask questions that invoke insight. A friend mirrors your truth that may be temporarily lost in a fog.
Friends Honor Boundaries and Differences
Respect in friendship means honoring each other's boundaries, opinions, and individuality. They can appreciate your perspective even if they disagree. A good friend understands that you are your own person with your unique needs and perspectives. They respect your time, your choices, and your right to disagree.
Even in disagreements, you always circle back for open dialogue and resolution. When you decline an invitation, they don't take it personally. If you tell them they hurt you, they make amends and apologize.
Deep Dive: "How to Set Healthy Boundaries for a Happy Life."
Understand that You Are Imperfect
No one is perfect, and a good friend understands this fundamental truth.
They presume innocence, overlook unintentional blunders, work through conflicts with openness, and hold you accountable to be better.
A good friend inspires you to grow. They challenge you and introduce you to new ideas and experiences. My friend from Iowa and I always exchange books we love and things that make us laugh. Each friend has a little different twist and flavor.
At the same time, they're open to your feedback and are inspired by you, creating a dynamic of mutual growth and learning. Imperfection is an unspoken certainty that allows each friend to lean into their truth more honestly.
Light-Heartedness and Fun
And lastly, friends can laugh, play games, be adventurous, talk into the wee hours, and have fun no matter what you're doing. The mundane turns to exceptional; just being together enlivens your spirit.
If your friendship is constantly filled with drama, neediness, and strife, consider setting some healthy boundaries to take care of yourself. Good friends bring a mix of support, fun, and synergy; if you're always the confidante and not ever having fun in the friendship, it's a red flag. And when a friend is a continual drain, there may be an ending AND a new beginning calling to you.
Every person needs a friend to unwind with and have fun. Friendship provides a special kind of experience and fulfills a different need than a partner or spouse.
Different Roles for Friends Versus Spouses
When I turn to one of my friends for advice, whether it’s about the kids, my relationship, or a new business idea, I KNOW I will get honesty and support. They listen, and they will point out another side—especially if I'm off-key. I can count on them to support me; they may even say something funny, melting my gripes into gratitude and sometimes solutions.
And for me, that support is a sign of a healthy friendship.
But I don't abuse it either. Friendship is a symbiotic relationship that flows like a river, never the same, changing moment by moment. Sometimes, it's me supporting a friend's rough waters; other times, it's them being there for me.
Closing Thoughts
Learning to hold ourselves and our friends accountable instead of just complaining and venting allows friends to support each other in a very genuine way, making friendships AND marriages stronger.
What I’ve found over the years is that, just like spouses, our friends can’t fit every need either. There may be one you talk to about work more, one you hike and exercise with, one you can chat on the phone with on any random day, one who likes to hit the town shopping, the funny one, the serious one, the quiet one.
Maybe you have a variety of friends, or maybe you have one close one, but whatever it may be, I have found that friendships add a lot to my overall life and can be a support system like no other.
Yet, good friendships, like all valuable things in life, require nurturing and effort.
Their power unfolds more when we invest in our relationships. By embodying the above qualities and appreciating them in others, we create the foundation for friendships that can last even when they're only a slice of our full life.
Frequently Asked Questions
What is the difference between a romantic relationship and friendship?
Friendships and romantic relationships, while both essential aspects of our social lives, differ in several key ways.
One of the most significant distinctions is the level of physical intimacy and attraction. Romantic relationships typically have greater physical intimacy and sexual attraction compared to friendships. While friends may hug or snuggle up to watch a movie, romantic partners desire and naturally gravitate to more intimate and sexual encounters.
Emotional intensity is often another area where these two types of relationships diverge. Romantic relationships involve a deeper level of emotional intimacy. This heightened emotional connection can lead to stronger feelings of love, passion, and attachment, sometimes inciting jealousy.
The level of commitment also sets these two types of relationships apart. Romantic relationships typically commit their time, energy, and attention, often exclusively. Partners make long-term plans together and function as a single social unit, whereas friendships allow for more flexibility in time and attention.
If you want support to grow personally or coaching for your marriage, feel free to reach out to Heartmanity—the support, skill, and insights are invaluable.
