Dealing with Teenage Defiance—Your Teen Says, "I Hate You!"

Have you ever tried looking for your reflection in a lake with white-capped waves? Nope. We don’t do that, do we, because we know we wouldn’t be able to see our reflection.

Teenage rebellion and angst can create a lot of waves in our relationship with our teen. So much so that parents can react fiercely in knee-jerk ways that backfire and fixate rebellion. Like it or not, it's a teen's job to push the limits and to individuate.A frustrated mother dealing with teenage defiance

Be a Model of Love and Self-Control for Your Teen

It's a parent's job to hold the line and be a calm lake that acts as a mirror for the teen to see themselves. And only a calm lake, not a wavy one, works like a mirror. When a child or teen is upset and angry, and when they say those dreaded words, "I hate you!" they most need our calm but firm love to reflect accurately. Then we create a safe space for them to feel fully and to help diffuse their emotional fury.

"When children are stuck in the red haze of inflexibility and frustration, they respond a lot better if they perceive adults as potential helpers, rather than as enemies."  ~Ross W. Greene, Ph.D.

Dealing with teenage defiance isn't what you think. When a teen has lost their cool, it's not punishment they need. Experiencing calmness and unconditional love during their emotional storm is a lighthouse. When they're out of control, a stabilizing adult is what they need. And it's much more likely that they will internalize and develop self-control when met with calm over fury.

When a teenager says I HATE YOU stay calm!One of my all-time favorite examples of a calm mirror was a post from Sarah Eyre: a mom’s response to her teenage daughter’s anger. Not only did Sarah hold a safe space for her daughter’s anger, but she also went a leap further and celebrated it with a cake! The cake showed her daughter that their relationship was more important to her than a few heated words, and it made their bond even deeper and more secure.

Perhaps some parents who read Sarah’s blog thought her daughter should have been punished for her behavior. This topic is a favorite of mine so to address this mindset, I wrote an article on teenage rebellion, "Keys to Turn Teenage Defiance into Healthy Self-Esteem," which may be helpful to show the wisdom behind Sarah’s response.

Punishment—So Last Century!

It’s easy as a parent to react to our teen’s anger and want to punish them because we feel so helpless, but punishment just isn’t as productive as we once believed. Many times, parents react so much that they end up acting as outrageous as their child. What kind of role model of love is that?

One of the essential reasons to avoid punishment or harsh reactions is that they communicate what behavior is inappropriate or undesired, but this type of parenting doesn't teach a child or teen how to respond differently nor do they inspire the teen to evaluate their future behavior. Without these ingredients, negative behavior is likely to repeat itself. A teenager needs to learn how to regulate their emotions, and no matter how justified you feel your reaction or punishment is, they do not empower them to be successful in the future.

And sometimes doing the unexpected is the best remedy of all. I’m grateful for this reminder by a mom who followed her heart and chose to find a creative way to teach her daughter about emotions and relationship. Hopefully, by reading Eyre's blog, more parents will see the wisdom of going beneath their child or teen’s behavior to their real needs for safety and love.

Related reading: "Keys to Turn Teen Defiance to Healthy Self-Esteem"

Father and son laughing togetherAnd the most prodigious outcome of all is the cultivation of a healthy and loving relationship with our children.

So before responding to any child's or teen's behavior, ask yourself:

What is most important for me to communicate and teach? Will my response teach what I am intending?

What value am I upholding, and is my behavior modeling this value?

If not, try another way. Be creative. Stretch yourself beyond a conditioned reaction and look for ways to discipline without causing havoc within the relationship—one that builds a robust self-esteem in your teen!

For parenting coaching and support or to learn how to teach your children and teens emotional intelligence, contact us at Heartmanity today!

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Jennifer A. Williams / Parent Coach and EducatorJennifer A. Williams / Parent Coach and Educator
Jennifer’s mission is to create thriving relationships at home and work. She coaches children, teens, and their parents in her private practice located in Bozeman, Montana. Jennifer is a Director and an Instructor Trainer for the International Network for Children and Families and has been a parent educator for the past twenty years. She is the co-author of Hacking the Teen Brain course, frequenting homes and schools as an experienced behavioral consultant to help with challenging behaviors. Jennifer is married to her beloved husband of 39 years and is the mother of three grown children.

Posted in Perfectly Imperfect Parenting