--- title: Setting Limits for Your Strong-Willed Child! description: It's challenging for parents when children and teens test limits. Learn steps to be successful and confident as a parent even for a strong-willed child. image: https://blog.heartmanity.com/hubfs/Daughter-looking-a-phone-and-ignoring-her-mother-474858297_Compressed.jpeg --- [![Heartmanity](https://heartmanity.com/wp-content/files/heartmanity-logo-web.png "Heartmanity")](https://heartmanity.com) [Schedule a Conversation](https://heartmanity.as.me/schedule.php?appointmentType=30172362) [Shop](https://heartmanity-services-products.myshopify.com/) [Join the Community](https://heartmanitycommunity.mn.co/) [Get In Touch](https://heartmanity.com/contact/) - [Home](https://heartmanity.com/) - [Our Focus and Expertise](https://heartmanity.com/our-focus-and-expertise/) - [BrainFitness](https://heartmanity.com/brain-fitness/) - [Emotional Intel](https://heartmanity.com/emotional-intel/) - [Habits for Health](https://heartmanity.com/habits-for-health/) - [Relationship Mastery](https://heartmanity.com/relationship-mastery/) - [About](https://heartmanity.com/about/) - [Individuals](https://heartmanity.com/individuals/) - [No-Nonsense Coaching](https://heartmanity.com/no-nonsense-coaching/) - [Return to Serenity](https://heartmanity.com/return-to-serenity/) - [One-Year Makeover](https://heartmanity.com/one-year-makeover/) - Couples - [Drama-Free Marriage](https://heartmanity.com/drama-free-marriage/) - [Marriage Tune-Up](https://heartmanity.com/resources/drama-free-resources/#tune-up) - [Couples Mentoring](https://heartmanity.com/resources/drama-free-resources/#mentoring) - [Premarital Coaching](https://heartmanity.com/resources/drama-free-resources/#coaching) - [Drama-Free Weddings](https://heartmanity.com/resources/drama-free-resources/#weddings) - Parents - [HeartPrints® Parenting](https://heartmanity.com/heartprints-parenting/) - [Parent Coaching](https://heartmanity.com/resources/heartprints-resources/#coaching) - [Family Coaching](https://heartmanity.com/resources/heartprints-resources/#visits) - [WombPrints](https://heartmanity.com/heartprints-parenting/#wombprints) - [Professionals](https://heartmanity.com/professionals/) - [Heartmanity for Business](https://heartmanity.com/business/) - [Heartlead Business](https://heartmanity.com/heartmanity-for-business/) - [MomPreneurs](https://heartmanity.com/mompreneurs/) - [Resources](https://heartmanity.com/resources/) - [Heartlead Resources](https://heartmanity.com/resources/heartlead-resources/) - [Drama-Free Resources](https://heartmanity.com/resources/drama-free-resources/) - [HeartPrints® Resources](https://heartmanity.com/resources/heartprints-resources/) - [Personal Growth Resources](https://heartmanity.com/resources/personal-growth-resources/) - [Blog](https://blog.heartmanity.com/) - [Emotional Intelligence & Fitness](https://blog.heartmanity.com/topic/emotional-intelligence-fitness) - [Leadership and Business](https://blog.heartmanity.com/topic/leadership-and-business) - [Love, Marriage, and Relationships](https://blog.heartmanity.com/topic/love-marriage-and-relationships) - [Parents: Permission to Be Imperfect](https://blog.heartmanity.com/topic/parents-permission-to-be-imperfect) - [Brain Fitness, Mindfulness and Perspective](https://blog.heartmanity.com/topic/brain-fitness-mindfulness-and-perspective) - [Communication & Interpersonal Skills](https://blog.heartmanity.com/topic/communication-interpersonal-skills) - [Habits for Health](https://blog.heartmanity.com/topic/habits-for-health) Heartmanity's Blog Search Search - There are no suggestions because the search field is empty. Topics: Select a topic... All Emotional Intelligence & Fitness Leadership and Business Love, Marriage, and Relationships Parents: Permission to Be Imperfect Brain Fitness, Mindfulness and Perspective Communication & Interpersonal Skills Habits for Health Heartmanity Webinars, Classes, and Events Filters # [*Setting Limits for Your Strong-Willed Child!*](https://blog.heartmanity.com/setting-limits-for-your-strong-willed-child) A big revelation for me as a parent dramatically changed how I parented. Now, after two decades as a parenting instructor and parent coach, it turns out this same factor is a common blind spot for many parents. But before I share this realization, ask yourself a few questions: Is my child disrespectful? And do I take my child's strong-willed behavior personally and react? Is my preteen talking back? Am I a bad parent? Do I feel helpless in knowing appropriate limits? Does my teen rebel, and [is teenage rebellion normal](https://blog.heartmanity.com/why-we-think-teenage-rebellion-is-normal)? *Estimated reading time: 5 minutes* ♥ *Practice and mastery of parenting skills much longer!* ♥ ## ![Black teenage boy showing his father a video on his smartphone](https://blog.heartmanity.com/hs-fs/hubfs/Black%20teenage%20boy%20showing%20his%20father%20a%20video%20on%20his%20phone_AdobeStock_297818062%20Compressed.jpeg?width=3840&name=Black%20teenage%20boy%20showing%20his%20father%20a%20video%20on%20his%20phone_AdobeStock_297818062%20Compressed.jpeg)Why Parents Need to Set Healthy Boundaries for  Children and Teens Now, the chances are that you have previously wondered about at least a couple of the questions above. Whether you're dealing with a strong-willed preschooler or a preteen rejecting being treated like a child, or perhaps your teen is flexing the muscles of independence, my realization is relevant and essential to remember. Here's my aha: Our children's and teens' job is to assert themselves by testing limits through the natural unfoldment of individualization, autonomy, and development. They are seeking to meet their needs and build skills 24/7! For instance, you find your preschooler sitting on the kitchen floor in the middle of a gallon of split milk. You can view this as a mess you don't need or an opportunity for a teaching moment. After all, she was seeking to build a skill —*all by myself!* *![A preschooler sitting on the kitchen floor with a gallon of spilt milk: a mess or a teaching moment?](https://blog.heartmanity.com/hs-fs/hubfs/Spilled-Milk-819449026_1980x1518-compressor.jpeg?width=1977&name=Spilled-Milk-819449026_1980x1518-compressor.jpeg)* How you frame the experience will determine how you respond. And how you respond as a parent matters! *They're really not trying to make your job as a parent hard!* (And yes, this same thought crossed my mind a few times, especially when I was stressed.) Children gain self-awareness, [emotional intelligence](https://blog.heartmanity.com/how-to-raise-children-with-emotional-intelligence), including self-control, primarily from how parents respond to and interact with them daily. Conscious parenting requires us to *respond* instead of reacting and be a stronghold for our children to become their best selves. Setting healthy boundaries and limits for our children and teens is critical because we are their safe zone. They learn about the world in their first micro-world: the family. Children learn their place in the world, how to interact, express emotions, and [regulate emotions](https://blog.heartmanity.com/how-to-teach-your-child-emotional-regulation-skills) largely through our parenting and parental responses! ![Parents are the sounding board for a child's maturation and development.](https://blog.heartmanity.com/hs-fs/hubfs/P_Sounding%20Board2.jpg?width=600&name=P_Sounding%20Board2.jpg)When we understand and accept that a child is developing their identity, we can provide a healthy way for them to discover themselves through firm and loving limits. As [Carl E. Pickhardt, Ph.D., states](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/surviving-your-childs-adolescence/200912/rebel-cause-rebellion-in-adolescence): "the antidote for rebellion is the true independence offered by creating and accepting a challenge—the young person deciding to do something hard with themselves *for themselves* in order to grow themselves." ### Conscious Parenting Requires Self-Care and Self-Calming Being a calm mirror and sounding board for our children is anything but easy. Being mindful as a parent requires courage, stamina, and lots of love—day in and day out. If you're about to blow up, the best thing you can do is calm yourself. This way, you are modeling coping strategies and [self-calming](https://blog.heartmanity.com/blog/2015/05/how-to-stay-calm-under-pressure-2/) for your children—and you are then better equipped to reinforce the limit when you're calm. But what if your best efforts fail and you get into a battle with your child or teen about a limit you've set for them? And it's doubly hard setting limits if you're parenting a teen or strong-willed child with [high persistence in their temperament](https://blog.heartmanity.com/why-its-critical-to-understand-your-childs-temperament)! A spirited child often has high energy and persistence that make setting limits tougher. In times like these, we need a parenting toolbox. Many parents think that love is enough. I don't know about you, but I found myself reacting to my children in ways my parents did that I swore I would never do! ![Teenage daughter on her smartphone and defying her mother.](https://blog.heartmanity.com/hs-fs/hubfs/Daughter-looking-a-phone-and-ignoring-her-mother-474858297_Compressed.jpeg?width=3667&name=Daughter-looking-a-phone-and-ignoring-her-mother-474858297_Compressed.jpeg) So the step-by-step process below will give you some guard rails to keep your love—and your values—intact when under pressure. With strong-willed children, having this parenting skill set is pivotal to your sanity! Many a parent has said, or at least thought, "[My kids are driving me crazy!](https://blog.heartmanity.com/my-kids-are-driving-me-crazy-3-parenting-tips-for-sanity)" Practicing these crucial steps will help you feel more confident as a parent no matter what is thrown at you! And following these steps for [setting healthy boundaries](https://blog.heartmanity.com/4-keys-to-set-healthy-boundaries-for-teens) and effective limits for children and teens will also help you reinforce vital limits effectively. | #### Steps for Setting Effective Limits for Children and Teens **STEP 1:**  *Check in with yourself.* Self-calm as needed. **STEP 2:**  Get at the eye level of the child or teen to create safety. *Avoid towering over them for better results.* **STEP 3:**  Establish friendly eye contact. *If you're glaring at them, it will create a lack of safety and your teen is more likely to react.* **STEP 4:**  Clearly ask for what you want in a firm and kind tone of voice. *We need to be firm. Yet, if we do not also keep in mind how to convey our love, our limits and boundaries may be interpreted as trying to control them, especially with teens.* **STEP 5:**  [Empathize with any emotional reactions](https://blog.heartmanity.com/how-to-talk-to-someone-with-empathy-and-what-to-avoid) to help the child (or teen) feel heard. *Empathy doesn't mean approval of their behavior or agreement; empathy creates understanding and will help diffuse charged emotion.* **STEP 6:**  Restate the limit clearly in a neutral tone of voice. *Reaffirming the limit after things calm will increase the likelihood of success.* **STEP 7:**  Acknowledge and validate your child (or teen) when the limit is respected. *As parents, we often forget to circle back and affirm our child or teen when they have responded effectively to our requests and honored our limits.* | | --- | Remember, it's your child's job to test your love and the limits! Parenting is a challenging, full-time job, and setting effectively limits takes practice. Be sure and [take great care of yourself](https://blog.heartmanity.com/parents-need-self-care-to-be-their-best-self) so you can be at your best! And when your toddler whines or your teen defies you, be ready to use the steps above for more peace and better communication in your relationship. ##### You deserve a full toolbox as a parent! To be the best parent you can be, it's critical to get in touch with [visionary parenting, a parenting style that flows from unchanging values and principles](https://blog.heartmanity.com/visionary-parenting-is-the-key-to-capable-and-happy-children). Visionary parenting keeps the long game in mind. In this parenting, we respond in daily life to support long-term goals for our children. Our responses are the building blocks of raising children to become honest, responsible, loving, and free-thinking adults.  [![SIGN ME UP!](https://hubspot-no-cache-na2-prod.s3.amazonaws.com/cta/default/2012781/19c6614e-3c8e-4eea-baf8-7cd615cf0105.png)](https://hubspot-cta-redirect-na2-prod.s3.amazonaws.com/cta/redirect/2012781/19c6614e-3c8e-4eea-baf8-7cd615cf0105) **for our HeartMail newsletter filled with parenting tips and proven tools to make your parenting job easier and more fun!** The above steps of setting effective limits, come from the [Redirecting Children's Behavior](https://heartmanity.com/resources/heartprints-resources/)course that I teach as a parenting instructor and trainer for the International Network for Children and Families, authored by Kath Kvols. ### Like the article? Help us spread the word and share it! Facebook Twitter Pinterest LinkedIn **![Jennifer A. Williams / Parent Coach](https://blog.heartmanity.com/hs-fs/hubfs/secta.ai_031.jpg?width=225&name=secta.ai_031.jpg)[Jennifer A. Williams / Parent Coach](https://blog.heartmanity.com/author/jennifer-a-williams-parent-coach)** Jennifer is the Heartmanity Founder and a parent coach and behavioral consultant with two decades of experience. She is a Parent Instructor and Instructor Trainer for the International Network of Children and Families and author of several parenting courses, including How to Bully-Proof Your Child and Hacking the Teen Brain. Jennifer is happily married and a mother to 3 fantastic grown children. ### You may also like: ![What Parents Should Know About Social Media and Teen Anxiety](https://blog.heartmanity.com/hs-fs/hubfs/Young-girl-using-smart-phone%2cSocial-media-concept.-673485188_2174x1383-1.jpeg?width=250&height=150&name=Young-girl-using-smart-phone%2cSocial-media-concept.-673485188_2174x1383-1.jpeg) [What Parents Should Know About Social Media and Teen Anxiety](https://blog.heartmanity.com/social-media-and-teen-anxiety) ![5 Valuable, Best Tips for Parenting Struggles](https://blog.heartmanity.com/hs-fs/hubfs/A%20woman%20mentoring%20a%20teenage%20girl%20about%20her%20goals..jpeg?width=250&height=150&name=A%20woman%20mentoring%20a%20teenage%20girl%20about%20her%20goals..jpeg) [5 Valuable, Best Tips for Parenting Struggles](https://blog.heartmanity.com/best-tips-parenting-struggles) ![The Daily Conversations That Strengthen the Parent-Child Connection (Ages 5–9)](https://blog.heartmanity.com/hs-fs/hubfs/Father%20and%20daughter%20sitting%20on%20sofa%20and%20arguing..jpeg?width=250&height=150&name=Father%20and%20daughter%20sitting%20on%20sofa%20and%20arguing..jpeg) [The Daily Conversations That Strengthen the Parent-Child Connection (Ages 5–9)](https://blog.heartmanity.com/the-daily-conversations-that-strengthen-the-parent-child-connection-ages-5-9) ![Why ](https://blog.heartmanity.com/hs-fs/hubfs/Father-giving-good-advice-to-his-daughter-1142096800_1257x838-compressor.jpeg?width=250&height=150&name=Father-giving-good-advice-to-his-daughter-1142096800_1257x838-compressor.jpeg) [Why "Tough Love" Is Failing Your Kids—and What Dads Can Do Instead](https://blog.heartmanity.com/why-tough-love-is-failing-your-kids-and-what-dads-can-do-instead) Posted in [Perfectly Imperfect Parenting](https://blog.heartmanity.com/topic/perfectly-imperfect-parenting) © Heartmanity 2026 [Back to Blog](https://blog.heartmanity.com) ### Free Newsletter! [![Heartmanity Community - You were never meant to do this alone - Join Today](https://blog.heartmanity.com/hubfs/blog-files/hrt-blog-side-community.jpg)](https://heartmanitycommunity.mn.co/) ### Featured Online Courses [![Online Course - Emotional Fitness for the 21st Century](https://blog.heartmanity.com/hubfs/blog-files/blog-side-fitness2.jpeg)](https://heartmanity-services-products.myshopify.com/collections/webinars/products/self-help-8-week-course-bundle) [![4 Keys to Unlocking the Power of Empathy](https://blog.heartmanity.com/hubfs/blog-files/blog-side-empathy2.jpeg)](https://heartmanity-services-products.myshopify.com/collections/webinars/products/real-empathy-real-solutions-self-coaching-workbook) ### Sign Up For Our Newsletter ![Heartmanity](https://blog.heartmanity.com/hs-fs/hubfs/heartmanity-logo-invert-web.png?width=260&name=heartmanity-logo-invert-web.png) 1104 East Main Street, Suite 4 Bozeman, MT 59715 Copyright © 2009-2025 Heartmanity, LLC. All Rights Reserved. [Sitemap](https://heartmanity.com/sitemap/) | [Privacy Policy](https://info.heartmanity.com/privacy-policy) ```json { "@context" : "https://schema.org", "@type" : "NewsArticle", "author" : [ { "@type" : "Person", "name" : "Jennifer A. Williams / Parent Coach", "url" : "https://blog.heartmanity.com/author/jennifer-a-williams-parent-coach" } ], "dateModified" : "2024-02-01T17:41:56", "datePublished" : "2014-04-09T16:00:00", "headline" : "Setting Limits for Your Strong-Willed Child!", "image" : [ "https://info.heartmanity.com/hubfs/Daughter-looking-a-phone-and-ignoring-her-mother-474858297_Compressed.jpeg" ] } ```