--- title: Men and Empathy—Are They a Lost Cause? description: Can men learn to be empathetic? Is empathy a lost cause for men, only reserved for women? Find out what brain science has to say and what to do about it. image: https://blog.heartmanity.com/hubfs/Let-love-be-your-greatest-source-of-support-684022240_1256x838-compressor.jpeg --- [![Heartmanity](https://heartmanity.com/wp-content/files/heartmanity-logo-web.png "Heartmanity")](https://heartmanity.com) [Schedule a Conversation](https://heartmanity.as.me/schedule.php?appointmentType=30172362) [Shop](https://heartmanity-services-products.myshopify.com/) [Join the Community](https://heartmanitycommunity.mn.co/) [Get In Touch](https://heartmanity.com/contact/) - [Home](https://heartmanity.com/) - [Our Focus and Expertise](https://heartmanity.com/our-focus-and-expertise/) - [BrainFitness](https://heartmanity.com/brain-fitness/) - [Emotional Intel](https://heartmanity.com/emotional-intel/) - [Habits for Health](https://heartmanity.com/habits-for-health/) - [Relationship Mastery](https://heartmanity.com/relationship-mastery/) - [About](https://heartmanity.com/about/) - [Individuals](https://heartmanity.com/individuals/) - [No-Nonsense Coaching](https://heartmanity.com/no-nonsense-coaching/) - [Return to Serenity](https://heartmanity.com/return-to-serenity/) - [One-Year Makeover](https://heartmanity.com/one-year-makeover/) - Couples - [Drama-Free Marriage](https://heartmanity.com/drama-free-marriage/) - [Marriage Tune-Up](https://heartmanity.com/resources/drama-free-resources/#tune-up) - [Couples Mentoring](https://heartmanity.com/resources/drama-free-resources/#mentoring) - [Premarital Coaching](https://heartmanity.com/resources/drama-free-resources/#coaching) - [Drama-Free Weddings](https://heartmanity.com/resources/drama-free-resources/#weddings) - Parents - [HeartPrints® Parenting](https://heartmanity.com/heartprints-parenting/) - [Parent Coaching](https://heartmanity.com/resources/heartprints-resources/#coaching) - [Family Coaching](https://heartmanity.com/resources/heartprints-resources/#visits) - [WombPrints](https://heartmanity.com/heartprints-parenting/#wombprints) - [Professionals](https://heartmanity.com/professionals/) - [Heartmanity for Business](https://heartmanity.com/business/) - [Heartlead Business](https://heartmanity.com/heartmanity-for-business/) - [MomPreneurs](https://heartmanity.com/mompreneurs/) - [Resources](https://heartmanity.com/resources/) - [Heartlead Resources](https://heartmanity.com/resources/heartlead-resources/) - [Drama-Free Resources](https://heartmanity.com/resources/drama-free-resources/) - [HeartPrints® Resources](https://heartmanity.com/resources/heartprints-resources/) - [Personal Growth Resources](https://heartmanity.com/resources/personal-growth-resources/) - [Blog](https://blog.heartmanity.com/) - [Emotional Intelligence & Fitness](https://blog.heartmanity.com/topic/emotional-intelligence-fitness) - [Leadership and Business](https://blog.heartmanity.com/topic/leadership-and-business) - [Love, Marriage, and Relationships](https://blog.heartmanity.com/topic/love-marriage-and-relationships) - [Parents: Permission to Be Imperfect](https://blog.heartmanity.com/topic/parents-permission-to-be-imperfect) - [Brain Fitness, Mindfulness and Perspective](https://blog.heartmanity.com/topic/brain-fitness-mindfulness-and-perspective) - [Communication & Interpersonal Skills](https://blog.heartmanity.com/topic/communication-interpersonal-skills) - [Habits for Health](https://blog.heartmanity.com/topic/habits-for-health) Heartmanity's Blog Search Search - There are no suggestions because the search field is empty. Topics: Select a topic... All Emotional Intelligence & Fitness Leadership and Business Love, Marriage, and Relationships Parents: Permission to Be Imperfect Brain Fitness, Mindfulness and Perspective Communication & Interpersonal Skills Habits for Health Heartmanity Webinars, Classes, and Events Filters # [*Men and Empathy—Are They a Lost Cause?*](https://blog.heartmanity.com/men-and-empathy-are-they-a-lost-cause) In our culture, we expect men to be empathetic, but often men have difficulty seeing its value. It's not that they can't learn how to empathize, but it's vital for them first to understand the value of empathy and how it affects their relationships. A friend shared a social media post last week about how men typically respond to women's emotions. Yep, you guessed it—by trying to fix the problem! Without a doubt, it is the most common response. Most men are bewildered and fail to grasp why a woman would want to TALK about what's bothering them... why not just fix it? *Estimated reading time: 4 minutes* ![Mechanic working on a truck engine with focused attention](https://blog.heartmanity.com/hs-fs/hubfs/mechanic-working-in-a-workshop-on-a-truck-engine-507251838_1256x838-compressor.jpeg?width=600&name=mechanic-working-in-a-workshop-on-a-truck-engine-507251838_1256x838-compressor.jpeg) ## Men and Empathy, a Personal Example Recently, a couple came in for marriage coaching because they were stuck in a rut. Whenever she was upset about something, she would seek emotional support from him. Instead of empathy or even reflective listening, he would cut her off and suggest a bevy of ways to solve her problem. She would get more upset as a result because she didn’t feel understood. “Why can’t you just be there for me?” she’d ask. In our session together, he explained that he felt like he would be validating her “unproductive” behavior (i.e., being emotional without taking action) if he responded with empathy. “Why talk about it? Just fix it!” he said. I knew he was a mechanic, so I asked him if he would ever put salt water in an engine instead of motor oil. He was aghast! “Of course not,” he said, “Saltwater wouldn’t help anything and might damage the engine.” I explained to my client [what empathy is and why it’s important](https://blog.heartmanity.com/what-is-empathy-and-why-is-it-important) and said, “Empathy is the oil for the engine of your marriage. It helps your wife feel understood so that SHE can take action and move forward.” It was a lightbulb moment to realize that empathy can enable problem-solving and jumpstart action. From there, he was eager to learn the skill. ## The Benefits of Empathy If men and husbands knew just how pleasant life could be with a little empathy, they'd guzzle it like a good beer after a hard day's work! My husband is one of those guzzlers. He has seen tremendous benefits of learning and practicing empathy. When I recently commented on how masterful he’d become with empathizing with me, he replied, “Yeah, life has been a lot easier for me since I learned to empathize. No more pressure to be the problem solver. And it feels like it’s brought us closer together, too.” Empathy is not always an easy skill to master, though. Let’s start by debunking some myths about empathy and men so you’ll be better prepared to integrate empathy into your life and relationship. ## Myth: Male Brains Aren’t Wired for Empathy You may have heard that “men are from Mars and women are from Venus” or that male and female brains function in fundamentally different ways. Men analyze, and women empathize, and that’s why men struggle to be empathetic, right? Men are logical, but women are emotionally inclined, so empathy comes easily. Although pop psychology and the media have been quick to ascribe certain features of brain structure and function as male- or female-based, science doesn’t support this dichotomy. [One study of over 1,400 brains](https://www.pnas.org/content/112/50/15468) found that our brains are a mosaic of male and female traits, and ***there is no male or female brain.*** > “Brains belong to people who have lived for decades in societies that treat men and women differently and gave them different experiences and opportunities. Experiences change the structure and function of the brain, as the many discoveries in the field of neuroplasticity show. The male-female mosaic might reflect how these brains lived.”  ~ [Bruce McEwen, Neuroscientist at Rockefeller University, in STAT News.](https://www.statnews.com/2015/11/30/brain-male-female-study/) ### Why Do Men Lack Empathy?  "It’s Not Your Fault if Empathy Isn’t Easy" Empathy has cultural, evolutionary and developmental influencers so it's not cut and dry. The age-old nature vs. nurture discussion goes on forever! [The National Science of Medicine](https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC5110041/) explored the difference between the male and female brains regarding empathy and commented in an exhaustive study: > "Females, as the primary caretakers of the young infants, may have evolved adaptations to be sensitive to nonverbal expressions, as such sensitivities may have increased infant survival" —a pretty great evolutionary reason for women being more attuned through empathy. But now, dads are more involved than ever so the need for emotional attunement and empathy are far greater. And what messages has our culture given boys growing up? Here are a few of the expressions you've most likely heard: “Boys don’t cry.” “Don’t be a pussy.” "Buck up!" “Stop griping and just fix it.” “You’re the man of the house now.” "Feelings don't fix anything." The predominant message in all of these is: "Show no weakness." For many men, it’s been made clear that the only emotions you’re allowed to feel and express are happiness, lust, or anger. And that the only way to handle a problem is to solve it, after all, a man's job is to protect the vulnerable, not BE vulnerable. This common conditioning factor causes difficulty in a relationship when a woman wants a man to “let her in” or to be open, sensitive to her feelings, empathetic, or show his softer side. Who wouldn’t construct armor growing up with so many negative messages about vulnerability and emotions? Even well-intentioned and loving parents and partners can unknowingly reinforce masculine stereotypes. For example, a male friend of mine struggled with depression in college, which caused him to fail several classes. His mom and dad sat him down, told him they expected better of him and that he needed to “man up” and “get his life together.” Instead of opening the space for honest dialogue, their reaction shamed him and caused him to shut down emotionally. Life experiences shape how your brain works. So, if you’ve never experienced empathy yourself (whether you’re a man or a woman), or were shamed for showing fear and sadness, your brain has no foundation for being vulnerable or expressing empathy. The good news is that social conditioning and traditional models of masculinity don’t have to deter anyone from [emotional literacy](https://blog.heartmanity.com/emotional-literacy). You can learn from it and master the skill of empathy. Related reading: "[How to Choose the Type of Empathy and Why It Matters](https://blog.heartmanity.com/how-to-choose-the-type-of-empathy-and-why-it-matters)." ![Husband empathizing with his wife](https://blog.heartmanity.com/hs-fs/hubfs/Let-love-be-your-greatest-source-of-support-684022240_1256x838-compressor.jpeg?width=600&name=Let-love-be-your-greatest-source-of-support-684022240_1256x838-compressor.jpeg) ## First Step to Developing Empathy: A Desire to Learn Have you been told that you don’t listen, you’re too close-minded, or uncaring? Maybe your partner is asking you to change your habits. Whatever it is, the sheer fact that you’re reading this means that you are open to learning a new way of relating to your family and others in your life. That’s fantastic! As the husband of one of my clients so aptly said, > “Although empathy is defined as the ability to understand and share the feelings of another, empathy could also be imagined as the ability not to be self-absorbed. Attempt to think of the feelings of another from ***their*** perspective rather than how ***you*** would feel if put in a similar situation.” Empathy requires some amount of openness and vulnerability, and the first step is to simply have a desire to learn.   By acknowledging that you have room to grow, you’re saying that you desire to be a more effective partner, family member, or even colleague. Related reading: "[How to Use Empathy to Strengthen Your Marriage](https://blog.heartmanity.com/how-to-use-empathy-to-strengthen-your-marriage)." ![Stephen Covey Quote\_Empathy diffuses defensiveness for open communication.](https://blog.heartmanity.com/hs-fs/hubfs/EQ_Empathy_Defensiveness%20goes%20down.jpg?width=600&height=300&name=EQ_Empathy_Defensiveness%20goes%20down.jpg)   ### Take the Next Step Increasing empathy can strengthen relationships, open the way for effective problem-solving, and give you an edge in the workplace. To learn more about the [types of empathy](https://blog.heartmanity.com/the-three-kinds-of-empathy-emotional-cognitive-compassionate) and for a step-by-step guide on how to learn and practice empathy, download the [Real Empathy, Real Solutions Self-Coaching Workbook](https://heartmanity-services-products.myshopify.com/collections/webinars/products/real-empathy-real-solutions-self-coaching-workbook). [![Show me how to empathize better!](https://hubspot-no-cache-na2-prod.s3.amazonaws.com/cta/default/2012781/56d28e96-61ca-4b4d-9767-2383cae47ee6.png)](https://hubspot-cta-redirect-na2-prod.s3.amazonaws.com/cta/redirect/2012781/56d28e96-61ca-4b4d-9767-2383cae47ee6) For personalized support, contact us at support@Heartmanity.com to learn more about our coaching programs and marriage coaching. ### Like the article? Help us spread the word and share it! Facebook Twitter Pinterest LinkedIn **![Jennifer A. Williams / Emotional Intelligence Coach](https://blog.heartmanity.com/hs-fs/hubfs/Jennifer%20Williams030.jpg?width=225&name=Jennifer%20Williams030.jpg)[Jennifer A. Williams / Emotional Intelligence Coach](https://blog.heartmanity.com/author/jennifer-a-williams-emotional-intelligence-coach)** Jennifer is the Heartmanity founder and an emotional intelligence expert. She has two decades of EQ experience and is the author of emotional intelligence training and courses. As an emotional fitness coach, Jennifer teaches EQ skills, brain science hacks, and a comprehensive approach that gets results. She is happily married and the mother of three incredible grown children. ### You may also like: ![Empathy in Conflict Resolution: How Leaders Use Emotional Intelligence to Navigate Tough Conversations](https://blog.heartmanity.com/hs-fs/hubfs/Stressed%20business%20colleagues%20having%20a%20meeting%20in%20an%20office%20solving%20problems_AdobeStock_513355369%20Compressed.jpeg?width=250&height=150&name=Stressed%20business%20colleagues%20having%20a%20meeting%20in%20an%20office%20solving%20problems_AdobeStock_513355369%20Compressed.jpeg) [Empathy in Conflict Resolution: How Leaders Use Emotional Intelligence to Navigate Tough Conversations](https://blog.heartmanity.com/empathy-in-conflict-resolution) ![What AI Reveals About Our Addiction to People-Pleasing and Being Liked](https://blog.heartmanity.com/hs-fs/hubfs/A%20young%20man%20reaching%20out%20to%20hearts%20and%20smiley%20faces%20as%20addiction%20to%20people-pleasing%20and%20%20being%20liked%20SM_Compressed.png?width=250&height=150&name=A%20young%20man%20reaching%20out%20to%20hearts%20and%20smiley%20faces%20as%20addiction%20to%20people-pleasing%20and%20%20being%20liked%20SM_Compressed.png) [What AI Reveals About Our Addiction to People-Pleasing and Being Liked](https://blog.heartmanity.com/what-ai-reveals-about-our-addiction-to-people-pleasing) ![Why Human Connection Is the New IQ: A Roadmap of Social Intelligence](https://blog.heartmanity.com/hs-fs/hubfs/Brain%20networking_AdobeStock_284573640%20Compressed.jpeg?width=250&height=150&name=Brain%20networking_AdobeStock_284573640%20Compressed.jpeg) [Why Human Connection Is the New IQ: A Roadmap of Social Intelligence](https://blog.heartmanity.com/social-intelligence) ![Do You Care Too Much? How to Practice Compassionate Empathy Instead](https://blog.heartmanity.com/hs-fs/hubfs/Problems%20in%20the%20business%20can%20be%20a%20stressor%20causing%20anxiety..jpeg?width=250&height=150&name=Problems%20in%20the%20business%20can%20be%20a%20stressor%20causing%20anxiety..jpeg) [Do You Care Too Much? How to Practice Compassionate Empathy Instead](https://blog.heartmanity.com/caring-too-much-compassionate-empathy) Posted in [Emotional Intelligence](https://blog.heartmanity.com/topic/emotional-intelligence), [How to Build Empathy](https://blog.heartmanity.com/topic/how-to-build-empathy) © Heartmanity 2026 [Back to Blog](https://blog.heartmanity.com) ### Free Newsletter! 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[Sitemap](https://heartmanity.com/sitemap/) | [Privacy Policy](https://info.heartmanity.com/privacy-policy) ```json { "@context" : "https://schema.org", "@type" : "NewsArticle", "author" : [ { "@type" : "Person", "name" : "Jennifer A. Williams / Emotional Intelligence Coach", "url" : "https://blog.heartmanity.com/author/jennifer-a-williams-emotional-intelligence-coach" } ], "dateModified" : "2024-11-25T00:59:49", "datePublished" : "2020-06-01T13:15:00", "headline" : "Men and Empathy—Are They a Lost Cause?", "image" : [ "https://info.heartmanity.com/hubfs/Let-love-be-your-greatest-source-of-support-684022240_1256x838-compressor.jpeg" ] } ```