Do you ever find yourself minimizing your own experience? Have you kept your struggles to yourself, thinking they’re too small or petty to share? Or maybe you hear yourself saying, “My issues are luxury problems. I should be grateful, so many other people have it worse.”
Estimated reading time: 5 minutes
What Is Cruel Positivity?
A Better Way: Emotional Intelligence with Mindful Positivity
There are usually plenty of reasons to be grateful. Yet, if we don’t acknowledge what is true for us when we struggle and deny ourselves support, we miss out on so much!
We miss out on a friend’s comfort, our spouse’s support, our own acceptance of what is troubling us, and the ability to move through it and resolve what is disturbing our emotional calm.
Gratitude and joy are muffled by repeated dismissal of our feelings and experiences. What happens when we try to stay positive but we feel lousy? Or we convince ourselves to be grateful because others have it worse?
When our internal reality doesn't match our external expression, this is a form of cruel positivity.
Let’s explore the downside of being a bit cavalier with our own struggles and the psychological trap of comparing ourselves to others.
The Exhaustion that Comes from "Good Vibes Only"
Cruel positivity is the cultural demand to maintain a cheerful facade even when circumstances are objectively difficult, painful, or harmful. It is a synthesis of toxic positivity and what cultural theorist Lauren Berlant called "cruel optimism." In this case, the problematic idea is that we must always be happy, no matter the cost.
Perhaps, your friends and family members have tossed you one of the many platitudes:
- “Every cloud has a silver lining.”
- “What doesn’t kill you makes your stronger.”
- “Look on the bright side.”
- “No rain, no rainbow.”
- “Count your blessings.”
However, faking positivity is not only exhausting; it is psychologically damaging. When we deny our negative emotions, they do not simply disappear—they amplify. They fester, driving up our anxiety and deepening our sense of isolation.
Think about the last time you shared a genuine struggle with someone, only to be met with a dismissive, "Everything happens for a reason!" or "It could have been so much worse!"
How did that make you feel? Likely, it made you feel unheard and invalidated, maybe, even worse.
How often do you invalidate your own emotional experience or your child’s?
Recently, I had a conversation with a parent who thought empathizing with their 3rd grader was futile because they would face the same (or similar) situation the next day. (This parent’s solution was to give her good reasons to stand tall and toughen up. And “be grateful” for the good life she had.)
What they overlooked is the power of feeling seen, heard, and validated.
When we don’t feel alone and are drenched in another person’s loving presence, this love and connection helps to offset the emotional pain, diffuses its intensity, and calms the “I’m in it all alone” feeling that burdens us.
Empathy creates a profound experience, buoying up children and adults alike,
However, when we make ourselves or another wrong for feeling down or scared, or frustrated because “we should be grateful,” we deny ourselves compassionate empathy.
Internal invalidation is the crux of cruel positivity: denying our own emotional experience.
Related reading: “Why Being a People Pleaser Damages Relationships.”
The Trap of Comparison Suffering
One of the most insidious ways cruel positivity manifests is through the concept of comparative suffering.
When young, I’d sit at the dining room table for hours, refusing to eat fried liver. It made me gag. My mom was adamant that I should be grateful because thousands of children were starving in the world.
I retorted, “Feel free to ship it off to them.” I’d rather go without eating. (Not even our German Shepherd would eat it!) It didn’t matter that my body was telling me it wasn’t right for me. It didn’t matter that my body rejected it. Just eat it and be grateful.
When we shame our children to deny their own experience “to be grateful,” they learn to ignore their own feelings to caretake others.
Then what?
The mental gymnastics we perform to convince ourselves that our struggles are unworthy of attention because someone, somewhere, is enduring a greater hardship is cruel optimism.
Does this mean that we shouldn’t have compassion for others’ misfortunes or struggles?
Absolutely not!
The catch is that we can extend compassion to others and still give compassion to ourselves.
Comparative suffering may come from a well-meaning place. We want to acknowledge the hardships of others. We avoid selfishness instead of taking care of ourselves.
Yet, minimizing your feelings does not lessen anyone else's pain. It just invalidates your own.
Emotions are not a competition. There is no gold medal for "worst hardship."
As Psychologist Dr. Lindsey Godwin notes, when you deny your feelings through comparative suffering, you are more likely to end up overwhelmed, resentful, or disconnected—which makes you far less capable of actually supporting the people you care about.
Related reading: “I Don’t Know Who I Am If I’m Not Caring.”
The Neuroscience of Faking It Versus Feeling It
The cost of cruel positivity is not just philosophical; it is deeply biological. When we suppress our emotions, our bodies register that suppression as a threat.
A comprehensive review published in PubMed highlights that emotional suppression can exacerbate stress-induced physiological arousal, leading to increased heart rate and elevated cortisol levels, the body's primary stress hormone. When you force a smile while your heart is breaking, your nervous system remains in a state of high alert. You are essentially stepping on the gas pedal and the brakes at the same time.
Furthermore, research published in the International Journal of Psychotherapy Practice and Research demonstrates that individuals who chronically repress their emotions suppress their body's immune system, making them more vulnerable to a variety of illnesses. The somatic impact of forced positivity—chronic tension, shallow breathing, unexplained fatigue—is your body's way of telling you that it knows you are faking it.
So, what is the alternative?
What are healthy ways to navigate bad news streaming nonstop and our own ups and downs? How do we live authentically while not burning out?
We learn to cultivate a deeply healing alternative: mindful positivity.
Mindful Positivity Is the Antidote
You can continue down the path of emotional burnout and comparing yourself to others, or you can choose a different way of interacting with life.
Hint, hint: The decision isn’t about learning a few new self-care tips.
Mindful positivity is rooted in radical self-acceptance. It is the practice of observing your mental and emotional states without judgment and then intentionally seeking constructive, compassionate paths forward (positivity).
For customized support, contact Heartmanity. Learn to develop emotional intelligence and the resilience to surf the ups and downs of life.
If you'd like a community of growth-minded people to support you on your growth journey, email mightysupport@heartmanity.com.
