--- title: When You Keep Getting in Your Own Way… Is That Self-Sabotage? description: Is it really self-sabotage when your actions don’t match your intentions? Discover a healthier way to view old patterns without making them your identity. image: https://blog.heartmanity.com/hubfs/She-didnt-make-it-past-midnight-964894648_Compressed-2.jpeg --- [![Heartmanity](https://heartmanity.com/wp-content/files/heartmanity-logo-web.png "Heartmanity")](https://heartmanity.com) [Schedule a Conversation](https://heartmanity.as.me/schedule.php?appointmentType=30172362) [Shop](https://heartmanity-services-products.myshopify.com/) [Join the Community](https://heartmanitycommunity.mn.co/) [Get In Touch](https://heartmanity.com/contact/) - [Home](https://heartmanity.com/) - [Our Focus and Expertise](https://heartmanity.com/our-focus-and-expertise/) - [BrainFitness](https://heartmanity.com/brain-fitness/) - [Emotional Intel](https://heartmanity.com/emotional-intel/) - [Habits for Health](https://heartmanity.com/habits-for-health/) - [Relationship Mastery](https://heartmanity.com/relationship-mastery/) - [About](https://heartmanity.com/about/) - [Individuals](https://heartmanity.com/individuals/) - [No-Nonsense Coaching](https://heartmanity.com/no-nonsense-coaching/) - [Return to Serenity](https://heartmanity.com/return-to-serenity/) - [One-Year Makeover](https://heartmanity.com/one-year-makeover/) - Couples - [Drama-Free Marriage](https://heartmanity.com/drama-free-marriage/) - [Marriage Tune-Up](https://heartmanity.com/resources/drama-free-resources/#tune-up) - [Couples Mentoring](https://heartmanity.com/resources/drama-free-resources/#mentoring) - [Premarital Coaching](https://heartmanity.com/resources/drama-free-resources/#coaching) - [Drama-Free Weddings](https://heartmanity.com/resources/drama-free-resources/#weddings) - Parents - [HeartPrints® Parenting](https://heartmanity.com/heartprints-parenting/) - [Parent Coaching](https://heartmanity.com/resources/heartprints-resources/#coaching) - [Family Coaching](https://heartmanity.com/resources/heartprints-resources/#visits) - [WombPrints](https://heartmanity.com/heartprints-parenting/#wombprints) - [Professionals](https://heartmanity.com/professionals/) - [Heartmanity for Business](https://heartmanity.com/business/) - [Heartlead Business](https://heartmanity.com/heartmanity-for-business/) - [MomPreneurs](https://heartmanity.com/mompreneurs/) - [Resources](https://heartmanity.com/resources/) - [Heartlead Resources](https://heartmanity.com/resources/heartlead-resources/) - [Drama-Free Resources](https://heartmanity.com/resources/drama-free-resources/) - [HeartPrints® Resources](https://heartmanity.com/resources/heartprints-resources/) - [Personal Growth Resources](https://heartmanity.com/resources/personal-growth-resources/) - [Blog](https://blog.heartmanity.com/) - [Emotional Intelligence & Fitness](https://blog.heartmanity.com/topic/emotional-intelligence-fitness) - [Leadership and Business](https://blog.heartmanity.com/topic/leadership-and-business) - [Love, Marriage, and Relationships](https://blog.heartmanity.com/topic/love-marriage-and-relationships) - [Parents: Permission to Be Imperfect](https://blog.heartmanity.com/topic/parents-permission-to-be-imperfect) - [Brain Fitness, Mindfulness and Perspective](https://blog.heartmanity.com/topic/brain-fitness-mindfulness-and-perspective) - [Communication & Interpersonal Skills](https://blog.heartmanity.com/topic/communication-interpersonal-skills) - [Habits for Health](https://blog.heartmanity.com/topic/habits-for-health) Heartmanity's Blog Search Search - There are no suggestions because the search field is empty. Topics: Select a topic... All Emotional Intelligence & Fitness Leadership and Business Love, Marriage, and Relationships Parents: Permission to Be Imperfect Brain Fitness, Mindfulness and Perspective Communication & Interpersonal Skills Habits for Health Heartmanity Webinars, Classes, and Events Filters # [*When You Keep Getting in Your Own Way… Is That Self-Sabotage?*](https://blog.heartmanity.com/when-you-keep-getting-in-your-own-way-is-that-self-sabotage) You told yourself this time would be different. You would speak up instead of automatically agreeing. You would start the project rather than put it off—again. You wouldn't let one difficult day derail your commitment to exercise. Then life happened. The conversation became uncomfortable, and you said yes again. The project sat untouched. The commitment that mattered on Monday somehow disappeared by Thursday. *Estimated reading time: 3 minutes* ![She-didnt-make-it-past-midnight-964894648\_Compressed-2](https://blog.heartmanity.com/hs-fs/hubfs/She-didnt-make-it-past-midnight-964894648_Compressed-2.jpeg?width=1254&height=837&name=She-didnt-make-it-past-midnight-964894648_Compressed-2.jpeg)Later, you're left with that familiar question: *Why do I keep doing this to myself?* I've asked versions of that question, too. And over the years, I've heard it from many clients who are intelligent, thoughtful, self-aware, and genuinely committed to personal growth. It's worth paying attention to because when our behavior doesn't match what we consciously want, it's very easy to make the behavior mean something about *who we are.* *I have no discipline.* *I'm terrible at boundaries.* *I always ruin things.* *I know better. What's wrong with me?* We call it [self-sabotage](https://blog.heartmanity.com/self-sabotage-it-happens-to-the-best-of-us) and put ourselves on trial. But what if we didn't rush to the verdict? Related reading: "[Nobody Tells You About This Part of Personal Growth](https://blog.heartmanity.com/personal-growth-and-transformation)." ## Why "I Knew Better" Isn't the Whole Story Knowing what we want matters. You may know that you [need healthier boundaries](https://blog.heartmanity.com/3-things-your-mom-should-have-taught-you-about-self-care-and-healthy-boundaries). You know avoiding the conversation won't resolve it. You know the project matters. You know the habit you're trying to establish would support your health. And still, sometimes, you don’t stick with the promises you make to yourself. Why? That gap between what we intend and what we actually do is part of being human. Our choices happen inside real lives filled with emotions, relationships, competing priorities, stress, uncertainty, history, and circumstances. That doesn't mean we have no responsibility for our behavior. It means “I knew better” isn't the whole story. I've found it especially important to separate the behavior itself from the label we give it. Doing something that conflicts with what we consciously want doesn't automatically mean we're sabotaging ourselves—and when we assume it does, self-awareness can quickly turn into self-judgment. - “I should have handled that better.” - “I should be further along.” - “I thought I'd already worked through this.” The word “should” can get very loud. I frequently tell my clients to stop “shoulding” on themselves. Too often, it adds another layer of judgment without helping us understand what's actually happening. Recommended reading: "[How to Change Your Life by Understanding Your Emotional Patterns](https://blog.heartmanity.com/how-to-change-your-life-emotional-patterns)." ## Be Careful What You Make Your Behavior Mean One of the problems with the term *self-sabotage* is how quickly it can become an identity.  As mentioned above, a repeated behavior often becomes “I'm a self-saboteur.” A difficult relationship pattern becomes “I'm bad at relationships.” A missed goal becomes “I never follow through.” Avoidance becomes “I'm lazy.” That's a lot of meaning to attach to a behavior. When we take one behavior—or even a repeated behavior—and turn it into a statement about WHO we are, the label becomes bigger than the behavior itself. A habit may be something you do repeatedly, but it isn't your identity. In an [earlier Heartmanity article](https://blog.heartmanity.com/are-you-sabotaging-your-success-well-maybe-not/), I explored whether everything we call self-sabotage actually deserves that label. Sometimes behavior that seems irrational from the outside makes more sense when we understand ourselves more fully. But there's an even simpler idea I want to offer: You can take responsibility for a behavior or [bad habit](https://blog.heartmanity.com/how-to-overcome-bad-habits-using-self-acceptance) without turning it into a definition of who you are. You can acknowledge that a reaction is no longer working without criticizing or beating yourself up. And you can want something to change without making yourself the problem. Related reading: "[Build Your Dream Life: The Science of Personal Transformation](https://blog.heartmanity.com/build-your-dream-life-science-of-neuroplasticity-personal-transformation)." ![Mature woman reading a book on her couch at home.](https://blog.heartmanity.com/hs-fs/hubfs/Mature-woman-at-home-964191086_Compressed.jpeg?width=724&height=483&name=Mature-woman-at-home-964191086_Compressed.jpeg) ## Growth Isn't a Destination The pursuit of personal growth can create an unrealistic expectation. Somehow, we think that we’re going to arrive, or once we've had an insight, we’ll be able to just act on it. We've read about boundaries, so why are they still difficult? We've worked on communication, so why did that conversation go badly? We've become more self-aware, so why did we fall into an old behavior? We start measuring growth by whether our old behavior comes back. But encountering an old behavior again doesn't necessarily mean you've stopped growing. Nor does it mean that you've lost the ground you've covered. And sometimes, life throws us curveballs. Life is not a sterile laboratory with controlled conditions. We get worn out. We get bored with routine. Sometimes, we [outgrow a friendship](https://blog.heartmanity.com/how-to-end-a-friendship-with-emotional-integrity-and-compassion) or new challenges emerge. Occasionally, a person makes an unexpected comment that touches a tender place in us. Or a situation that seemed simple feels very different once we're walking through it. None of these situations are evidence that growth isn't happening. Sometimes growth is visible in what you do differently. Other times, it's barely visible, but you flex a little braver side of yourself. There’s no one right way or magical transformation. Growth doesn't mean arriving at a place where life can no longer knock you off balance. There will always be new circumstances, relationships, decisions, and challenges that ask something different of us. What changes over time is how we meet them. There is no finish line in personal growth. ![Quote on Failure by Robert Allen](https://blog.heartmanity.com/hs-fs/hubfs/I_No%20Failure%20Only%20Feedback.jpg?width=600&height=200&name=I_No%20Failure%20Only%20Feedback.jpg) ### You Don't Have to Solve Yourself Today If you've been calling yourself a self-saboteur because something keeps happening, consider loosening your grip on that label. Leave room for the possibility that there's more to understand about yourself than what you do or don't do. Don’t let a label cement you into a made-up identity. You don't have to analyze yourself endlessly or figure everything out right now. And you don't need another reason to turn personal growth into evidence that you're somehow falling short or "sabotaging yourself." Sometimes recognizing that something no longer works is enough for today. That realization is enough to open a new door to growth. **Go Deeper Inside Heartmanity Community** Personal growth doesn't happen in isolation from real life. We bring what we're learning into our relationships, decisions, challenges, successes, and the ordinary moments that continue to show us who we're becoming. Insight doesn’t have to fizzle out with inaction. That's one of the reasons I'm creating the Heartmanity Community. I want women to have a supportive place to continue their personal growth—not simply by consuming more information, but by learning together and having access to deeper Heartmanity teaching, conversations, and support. Inside the Community, we'll go further to develop emotional intelligence and relationship skills and explore how these ideas apply to real life. You don't need to have yourself figured out before you come. **Growth is what we're there for.** To find out more, email [mightysupport@heartmanity.com](mailto:mightysupport@heartmanity.com). Be one of the first to know when we launch! ### Like the article? Help us spread the word and share it! Facebook Twitter Pinterest LinkedIn **![Jennifer A. Williams / Emotional Intelligence Coach](https://blog.heartmanity.com/hs-fs/hubfs/Jennifer%20Williams030.jpg?width=225&name=Jennifer%20Williams030.jpg)[Jennifer A. Williams / Emotional Intelligence Coach](https://blog.heartmanity.com/author/jennifer-a-williams-emotional-intelligence-coach)** Jennifer is the Heartmanity founder and an emotional intelligence expert. She has two decades of EQ experience and is the author of emotional intelligence training and courses. As an emotional fitness coach, Jennifer teaches EQ skills, brain science hacks, and a comprehensive approach that gets results. She is happily married and the mother of three incredible grown children. ### You may also like: ![What Does Empathy Mean? Why Understanding Isn’t the Same as Agreeing](https://blog.heartmanity.com/hs-fs/hubfs/Relationship%20crisis%2c%20an%20interracial%20couple%20iin%20a%20power%20struggle.jpeg?width=250&height=150&name=Relationship%20crisis%2c%20an%20interracial%20couple%20iin%20a%20power%20struggle.jpeg) [What Does Empathy Mean? 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