After decades of working with families as a parent educator and emotional intelligence specialist, I've witnessed a painful pattern: the estrangement of adult children. And these cutoffs seem to be a growing trend.
Parenting is difficult and complex. Growing up in our modern culture is also challenging. Yet, estrangements between parents and adult children aren't inevitable; many are avoidable.
Estimated reading time: 6 minutes
Certain parental behaviors repeated over many years can unknowingly erode the love and respect in your relationship, until one day, you’ve lost the connection with your adult child. You’re left feeling distraught and bewildered because all you’ve ever tried to do is love and help your children.
If you are estranged from your grown child, understanding your part, if any, is the first step toward restoration and healing. And it is the only part you can control. Whether you're trying to prevent estrangement or repair a relationship that's already fractured, awareness creates possibility.
Related reading: "How to Effectively Deal with Disrespectful Grown Children."
Understanding Adult Child Estrangement: What Creates the Distance in the Parent-Child Relationship
Let me share three of the most common—and avoidable—ways estrangement happens along with what you can do to improve or repair your relationship.
Refusing to Accept Your Child for Who They Are
This parenting misstep is a big one, a pattern that underlies so many estrangements.
Your adult child comes to you and shares something fundamental about who they are—their career choice, their partner, their lifestyle, their values, or an insight about their identity. Instead of acceptance, they receive judgment. Criticism. Disappointment. Or worse, a campaign to change them.
Maybe you didn't mean it that way. Maybe you thought you were “helping” or “protecting” them. Maybe you believed that if you just explained your concerns one more time, they'd see the light.
But here's what your adult child heard: “You're not good enough as you are. You need to be different for me to love and accept you.”
Being True to Self vs. Being Accepted by Parents
Every developing child and adult child faces this fundamental conflict: Do I live authentically and be true to my truth, or do I contort myself to gain my parents' approval, (or teachers', friends', etc.)?
When children are young, they need your love and the security you provide. They crave approval—or at least acceptance. But as they grow into adults, something usually shifts. They begin to realize that living inauthentically—pretending to be someone they're not—comes at too high a price.
With this growing maturity, being judged and criticized make genuine connection much more difficult. Their fundamental dilemma is: “Do I have to change myself to be loved by you?”
If you continue to withhold acceptance, they may eventually choose distance over the pain of feeling rejected by the very people who are supposed to love and support them unconditionally.
Compromise and hiding behind a fake persona are detrimental to their sense of self. So, separating from you might feel like the only way to choose their authentic self over seeking your approval.
What are the parental behaviors that chip away at a relationship?
Parenting Behaviors that Estrange:
- Constantly offering unasked-for advice that is veiled criticism.
- Criticizing your child’s career choice because it doesn't meet your expectations.
- Giving them the silent treatment when they decide to go elsewhere for the holidays.
- Unrealistically expecting too much time together after they are married, raising a family, live abroad, or have a demanding career.
- Refusing to accept their partner due to religion, race, background, personality, or lifestyle.
- Making disapproving comments about your adult child’s appearance, weight, sexuality, or choices.
- Pushing your political or religious beliefs onto them while dismissing their own.
- Expressing disappointment that they're not living the life you envisioned for them.
- Seeking to control them through a withdrawal of love.
Of course, every parent has their hopes and dreams for their child. However, when a child takes a different direction and develops values different than your own, it’s critical to get curious, seek understanding, and accept their choices.
The Path to Healing
Many parents believe that if they accept their grown child’s choices, they are agreeing with them. Acceptance doesn't mean agreement. You don't have to approve of your child’s choices, but you do need to respect their right to make those choices as a young adult.
Ask yourself: "Do I want a connected and loving relationship?"
If your answer is yes, then your words, behaviors, and actions must match that desired result.
We cannot continually make our child wrong without alienating them.
We cannot create closeness when we judge or criticize them repeatedly; those behaviors create a sense of unsafety in the brain.
We cannot expect them to spend time with us if we harp on them or fight with them the entire time they’re visiting.
We cannot force our grown children to WANT to spend time with us. We must create a safe, loving, and enjoyable space where they want to return to again and again. Not because they “owe us” or “should,” but because they value our relationship.
Here are some specific recommendations that will help you move closer to genuine acceptance.
Practice radical acceptance. This compassionate approach acknowledges what is, reality as it is, not as you wish it to be. Your adult child is who they are. They've made their choices. Your acceptance or rejection won't change that; however, it might determine whether you get to be part of their life.
Separate your identity from their choices. Your child's life is not a direct reflection of you as a parent. Their choices are about them, not you. When you can release the need for them to validate you or your parenting through their life choices, you free both of you.
Communicate acceptance explicitly. Don't assume your child knows you accept them. Say it out loud: “I may not fully understand your choices, but I respect your right to make them. I love you.” And then make sure your actions follow suit!
Are You Making Everything About You?
Estrangement can grow from a pattern where the parent's needs, feelings, and perspective consistently overshadow—or eclipse—the adult child's experience.
Every conversation becomes about how you feel. Every boundary your grown child sets is met with your hurt feelings. Every attempt they make to express how they feel or what they need is redirected back to your pain and how it affects you.
A relationship is mutual respect and sharing. The parent-child relationship requires a flow of equity, an interest and appreciation for one another.
If you’re wondering if you may have created a one-sided relationship with your adult child, below are some examples of unhelpful parenting behaviors.
- When they express hurt about something you did, you immediately defend yourself and justify your behavior.
- You guilt-trip them for not calling enough, visiting enough, or prioritizing you enough.
- You share your opinions about their life unasked.
- You make your emotions their responsibility—if you're sad or upset, they are expected to help you feel better.
- You talk about your sacrifices as a parent and their perceived lack of gratitude.
Why do these behaviors push your grown children away?
When your grown child can't express their feelings without having to manage yours, they don’t feel heard. When every conversation becomes about your problems, there’s no room for supporting them. When a boundary they set invokes an emotional meltdown or retaliation, distance or no contact may become an indirect boundary.
Eventually, the relationship might feel so one-sided that distance or no contact becomes the only way they feel free to be themselves.
The Path to Healing:
Learn and develop emotional self-regulation. Learning to emotionally regulate is at the heart of emotional intelligence. You are responsible for your own emotions—not your adult child. When you feel hurt, disappointed, or angry, those are your feelings to process, not theirs to fix.
Practice reflective listening. When your child shares something with you, resist the urge to jump in with your opinion. Instead, reflect what you hear and empathize: “It sounds like you felt hurt when that happened.”
Deep dive: “The Three Kinds of Empathy: Cognitive, Emotional and Compassionate.”
Respect their boundaries. If your adult child says, “I need some space,” or “I can only visit once a month,” respect it. No guilting. No punishing them by being angry. No shaming them for their choices.
Do your best not to make them responsible for your disappointment.
Ask more questions, advise less. Instead of telling them WHAT to do, get curious and ask open-ended questions: “How are you feeling about ? (This could be about a relocation, a job promotion or any life experience.) or “What was like for you?” or “What are your thoughts on ?”
Get interested in who your child is!
What are their interests, favorite recreations, likes or dislikes, joys, hobbies, struggles, goals, or dreams?
To love someone is to value what they value.
Refusing to Acknowledge Your Impact
This one is perhaps the hardest for parents to accept: Your adult child may have legitimate pain from their childhood, and your refusal to acknowledge it is keeping the wound open.
I've worked with countless parents who insist, "I did the best I could. They had a good childhood. They're just being dramatic."
But here's the truth: You can have done your best AND still have made parenting mistakes. These things are not mutually exclusive.
There are no perfect parents. We do our best, but inadvertently, their feelings may get hurt.
You remember the sacrifices you made, the love you gave, the ways you tried. Your adult child might still remember the moments they felt unseen, unheard, criticized, or hurt. Both realities can be true.
However, the resolution begins with a willingness to heal together and truly hear one another. And sometimes, it helps to have an objective professional support to reach an understanding.
But when you refuse to acknowledge their experience—when you defend, minimize, or dismiss their pain—you send a clear message: “Your feelings don't matter.”
Examples of Unhelpful Parental Behaviors
- Responding to their hurt with, “That never happened,” or “You're remembering it wrong.” or "Why are you being so cruel!"
- Saying, “I did the best I could,” as a way to shut down the conversation.
- Bringing up your sacrifices as evidence that they should not have a right to feel hurt.
- Comparing their childhood to others who “had it worse.”
- Refusing to apologize because you didn't intend to hurt them. Even if you had the best intentions, doesn’t preclude their experience. It’s real for them.
The Path to Healing
Separate your intention from your impact. You may not have intended to hurt your child, but if they were hurt, that impact matters. A sincere apology acknowledges impact.
Get curious instead of defensive. When your adult child shares pain from the past, resist the urge to defend yourself. Instead, ask: "Tell me more about how that affected you." Listen to understand, not to refute.
Validate their experience, even if you don't fully understand it. You don't have to agree with their interpretation of the past to acknowledge that their pain is real. Try saying: “I can see that experience really hurt. Your feelings are real and I deeply apologize for any pain I caused.”
Then be quiet. No justifying, explaining, or listing all the reasons why you did what you did. Just own it.
Understand that healing takes time. One apology doesn't erase years of pain. Your adult child may need to process, take space, or may need to see consistent change over time. Be patient.
A new, more authentic relationship with your child IS possible.
Reflect honestly. Which of the above patterns, if any, shows up in your relationship with your adult child?
Begin with compassionate observation.
Be patient with yourself and the process. You may be unlearning patterns that have been in place for decades. Give yourself grace while also committing to the work.
Focus on what you can control. You can't control whether your adult child chooses to reconcile. You can control your own growth, emotional regulation, and willingness to change.
Keep the door open. Even if your adult child isn't ready to reconnect, you can work on yourself. You can become the person and parent you want to become. And when they're ready—if they're ready—you'll be there, poised to connect, support, and love unconditionally.
Related reading: “When to Give Up on Your Grown Child—Never!”
One Common Thread: Emotional Intelligence Is Crucial in Parenting and Relationships
Do you see the pattern running through all three of these estrangement examples?
They all come down to emotional intelligence—or the lack of it.
Emotional intelligence (EQ) is the ability to recognize, understand, and manage your own emotions as well as recognize and respond lovingly to the emotions of others, specifically our adult children as parents. Effective communication requires self-awareness, self-regulation, empathy, and relationship management, all working together, which requires EQ skills.
When parents struggle with their own unresolved pain and lack emotional intelligence, they:
- Can't see their child as a separate person with valid feelings and choices
- Make everything about their own emotional needs
- Don't take responsibility for their impact on others
When parents heal and develop emotional intelligence, they:
- Accept their child's authentic self, even when it differs from their expectations or preferences.
- Regulate their own emotions without burdening their child.
- Acknowledge their mistakes and repair breakdowns or bumps in the relationship.
It's never too late to grow. It's never too late to develop emotional intelligence.
Developing emotional intelligence and growing yourself is your work. Not easy work, but essential if you want to heal—or prevent—estrangement.
Moving Forward with Hope and Action
If you're reading this and recognizing yourself in these patterns, I want you to know that awareness is the first step toward change. The fact that you're here indicates a desire to understand and a willingness to change.
Estrangement doesn't have to be permanent. Relationships can heal. But healing requires honesty, humility, and a willingness to do things differently. You’ve begun… keep leaning into healing and growth. And reach out if you need help.
For customized support and parent coaching, reach out to Heartmanity. Build parenting skills and greater emotional intelligence to strengthen your parent-child relationship!
