A common power struggle for parents is getting their toddlers into a car seat, especially when the parent is in a rush—or with strong willed children. One parent of a two-year-old daughter came to me saying that every time she tried to put her child in her car seat, she kicked and screamed. Sometimes she cried the entire trip to the daycare! Like most parents, safety is nonnegotiable so the power struggle ended by this mom overpowering her daughter to get her in the car seat. The exasperated and exhausted mother wanted some parenting advice.
Of course, safety is critical so it's understandable for a parent to be stressed in this situation. Fortunately, there are some simple yet powerful ways to regain your cool as a parent while ensuring your child’s safety and cooperation.
Parents who have toddlers know and have witnessed on a daily basis a toddler's exploding autonomy that often results in tantrums and power struggles.
What Is a Power Struggle?
Let's first define a power struggle. A power struggle is a conflict that involves opposing wills of two or more people. In parenting, it most often refers to a child who is resisting what the parent asks and continues to be a battle of wills. It often results in a parent overpowering a child.
How to Prevent Power Struggles?
It is as important to a toddler to feel a sense of power as it is to a teenager. A power struggle is many times a sign that the child is feeling powerless.
One way to give your child an appropriate sense of power is by giving him or her choices. For example, “Would you like to climb into your car seat all by yourself, or do you want Mommy to help you?” or “Would you like to be Daddy’s co-pilot today? Hop into your car seat and off we’ll go.” or "Would you like to hold Buzz Lightyear or Jesse in your car seat?" These playful approaches only takes a few seconds but makes a dramatic difference in how your child feels. It helps them feel like their desires matter.
Another way to diffuse the emotion of a battling toddler is to give empathy. It is easy to forget that small children spend much of their time living in an adult world. Imagine spending your day looking at kneecaps, or being whisked up at a moment’s notice to go to the grocery store without any say-so, or having a very interesting object taken away because it’s unsafe. In this instance of the car seat, just the simple act of showing you understand that she doesn’t like being in a car seat helps the child feel understood. For example, “You really don’t want to sit in your car seat, do you!?” or “You sound very upset. You’d like to stay at the park longer, wouldn’t you?” Again, once a child feels like you understand, the result is often cooperation.
Try these on for size and let me know how it goes. When you look at life from the perspective of a child, you’ll be amazed at how these little actions can make a big difference.
Deep dive: "The Art of Avoiding Power Struggles with Children"
Related reading: "Visionary Parenting Is the Key to Capable and Happy Children"
And if you'd like some personalized parent coaching or to attend a Redirecting Children's Behavior parenting class (dozens more skills), give us a call at Heartmanity 406-577-2100 or email support@heartmanity.com.
