Raising children is not for the weary. Parenting is a 24-7 job that relentlessly demands our best self and every ounce of energy and love we have to give. What many parents don't realize is that parenting can be much easier and a whole lot more fun!
Learning how to redirect children's misbehavior is a life-safer! And adding a few parenting skills to your tool belt infuses a parent with confidence that helps to destress our hectic parenting lives.
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Life can be hectic no matter how well organized we are as parents. And specially crazy are mornings when working parents need to drop their kids off before heading to work.
Often, one of the hardest moments can be simply getting your toddler in their car seat for safety. Trust me! Before I learned these parenting tips, many a battle was waged in our car.
What a relief to find parenting solutions that work!
How to Prevent Power Struggles (and Get a Toddler to Sit in Their Carseat)
Which scenario most resembles your morning transition from home into the car with your toddler?
This?
Do you struggle to get your child into their car seat? Do you sometimes overpower your toddler, holding them down as you buckle them in securely?
Does your child cry on the way to school while you're feeling frustrated or a little guilty? Are you feeling guilty as you drop your child off upset?
Or do you bribe your toddler with a sweet treat or new toy if they cooperate? None of these scenarios creates good feelings in the child or the parent.
Or this?
Does your toddler willingly climb into their car seat or allow you to lift them in without a single complaint?
Do giggles float into the air as you tickle them?
Is the drive to school a pleasant experience and you're singing their favorite song?
How Power Struggles Are Unnecessarily Created
Life with a toddler can be exasperating and challenging. That's why many call them the "terrible twos."
One day your toddler wants to crawl into their car seat "all by themselves!" The next day they're acting helpless or refuse to get in their car seat.
One minute they want an apple and as soon as you slice an apple, they beg for a banana. And after receiving a peeled banana, they're crying because you peeled it for them!
And giggles and laughing can turn to a full-blown battle in seconds!
I feel for you!
Power struggles are one of the biggest complaints I hear from parents as a parent educator. With over two decades of teaching parenting classes, behavioral consulting, and conducting family home visits, I have some great news for you!
When you understand what fuels this willful behavior, you'll be able to nip power struggles in the bud.
Small toddlers spend much of their time in an adult world staring at kneecaps.
Can you imagine a world where you are smaller and slower than most everyone else? Imagine yourself in a world of giants looking at those kneecaps all day!
It would be a very frustrating and disempowering experience.
These little people just need to feel a little power. A human need for all of us is to feel power in our lives, like we have some say-so. A little child is no different. Toddlers have an even higher need to feel power consistently because they're busy growing autonomy and independence.
So even though it may be frustrating, a toddler's job IS to test and push the limits to develop their self-identity.
Sometimes, realizing this is a developmental need, it helps to relax a little.
You're not a bad parent just because your toddler engages in a battle of wills. You're not failing as a parent when your toddler's temper tantrums upset you.
And I'll bet you'd like some effective tools to prevent battles and make your life more peaceful, wouldn't you?
How to Turn Battles of Wills to Cooperation
A great way to decrease conflicts substantially with your toddler is by giving him or her an appropriate sense of power.
Throughout the day, ask yourself, “How can I give my child power in an appropriate way?”
Master this art and your parenting will be filled with a lot more ease and fun.
Okay, now you know how important it is to give your little toddler appropriate power. But HOW!?
5 Ways to Avoid Power Struggles with Your Toddler
Below are some great ways to give power appropriately. This actions prevent power struggles from ever getting the best of you! And to redirect resistance when you find yourself in the middle of one of those battles.
Offer Choices to Prevent Power Struggles
Choices help children feel powerful since they get to have some input. Giving choices is especially effective for strong-willed toddlers.
One of the reasons that choices are so essential is that children learn that life is about give and take. They learn by experience that every time they say “yes” to something, they are saying “no” to something else.
For example, in the morning when you're getting your toddler dressed. "Do you want to wear your red shirt or your blue shirt today?"
Or if you're trying to rush off to work and your toddler won't get in their car seat, offer a choice. For instance: “Would you like to climb into your car seat all by yourself, or do you want daddy to help you?” or “Would you like to be mommy’s co-pilot today? Hop into your car seat and off we’ll go.”
It only takes a few seconds but choices make a dramatic difference in how your child feels.
And then there are those times when the only choice we have is to have a good attitude. We can’t always give choices, but if we give them regularly many power struggles can be eliminated.
TIP: Give choices that you're in agreement with and be sure you're willing to follow through on what your child chooses.
Parents: Use Fewer Words!
Often parents use way too many words. Young children don’t have the vocabulary developed many times to understand much of what we say. Try using one word or fewer words to get your point across.
The key is to request a child to do something once and then follow through with love and firm action.
Remember, the less words you use the better. You can even act without words. For a young child who forgets to brush her teeth, just hand her the toothbrush and smile.
Empathize with Your Toddler
Another way to diffuse the emotion of a battling toddler is to empathize. It is easy to forget that small children are at the mercy of our schedules. They are often whisked off at a moment’s notice to go to the grocery store or on errands or to their sibling's little league soccer game. All these unexpected changes can make a toddler feel like they don't have any say-so or power in their lives. And if they have low adaptability in their temperament, these interruptions and changes are even harder for your toddler.
Empathy is a EQ skill that goes a long way to diffusing power struggles. Helping your child feel heard is powerful and assists their emotional development.
Just the simple act of empathizing that he or she doesn’t like being in a car seat helps the child feel understood. For example, “You really don’t want to be in your car seat right now, do you!?” or “You sound very upset. You’d like to stay at the park longer, wouldn’t you?”
Once while teaching a parenting class, a woman complained about her toddler screaming at the top of his lungs for forty minutes as they commuted to childcare—or anywhere he had to be in his carseat. He hated being in the car seat and fought the confinement fiercely. When I suggested she empathize, she scoffed at the simplicity of my suggestion.
However, when she returned the following week to the next class, she was excited to report that she tried it and it worked! She was amazed that when she let her son know that she understood his objection sincerely, he immediately stopped crying and nodded his head adamantly in agreement!
So don't underestimate these simple yet powerful suggestions.
Do you want to learn more about empathy, check out our blog, "What Is Empathy and Why Is It Important?"
If you'd like to develop and better hone your empathy skills, check out our empathy workbook we developed because we believe so much in its magic.
Do the Unexpected
A great way to interrupt unwanted behavior is by doing something unexpected. In the middle of a power struggle, ask yourself, “What would be the most unexpected thing to do?”
This can be fun and lighten up most conflicts. Just make sure that your response or action doesn't humiliate or make fun of the child.
For toddlers, it's so easy to do something unexpected. You can twirl them like a helicopter, hop to the car like a bunny, or make funny faces that make them laugh. They usually forget about what they were resisting altogether!
For slightly older children to give you more examples:
One mom who homeschooled her children got creative when her son acted helpless and complained that he couldn't do a simple math lesson. The mom pretended very dramatically that she couldn't lift a pencil and acted out the helplessness in such a funny way that her son started to giggle.
Her playfulness instantly interrupted his attempt to get attention in a negative way and he went right back to his schoolwork with a smile on his face.
I'll never forget one evening when my daughter was about seven or eight. She and I had just finished a lovely time playing games, and it was nearing bedtime. When I asked her to get ready for bed, she started digging in her heels with combative words.
As I walked into the kitchen reflecting how to respond, I spotted some paper towels. I grabbed several off the roll and wet them, flinging them one at a time quickly at my daughter. Before I knew it, she was hurling them right back at me, and I returned fire! Soon we were both laughing so hard that we cried.
Then suddenly, she said sweetly, "Goodnight mom!" and went off to get ready for bed willingly.
In a school setting: One preschool teacher gave “forgiveness baths” to her students. Whenever two children would get mad at each other and come tattling, she would say, “It looks like you two need to hop in a forgiveness bath.” Then she would put them both on her knees and say to one child, “Okay you turn on the water” and to the other, “you add the soap.” She would then move them around in her arms, bouncing them on her knees like an agitating washing machine. They would laugh and pretty soon the whole class would be lining up for a forgiveness bath.
So much more fun than a battle of the wills! Toddler discipline doesn't need to be unpleasant or end in time-out.
Make the Task Fun
One last tool to put in your parenting toolbelt is to simply make tasks more fun. As adults, we're all about being productive and efficient. Children not so much! They love exploration and fun. Your children really aren't trying to make your life difficult. They're just trying to get their needs met!
What does it look like to make a task fun for a toddler?
Perhaps you've asked them to pick up their toys in the living room. You could make it more fun by having them pretend they're an elephant carrying the toys with their arms like an elephant's trunk. Or use their dump truck to haul them to their proper place. Or with the large legos, have them toss them into a bucket.
For families with multiple children: set a timer for fifteen minutes nightly and do a quick clean-up together. This way it doesn't fall on you after the kids are in bed.
Once the timer is set, everyone dashes around cleaning up the house as fast as they can. You can even put on music, having the children rotate and pick a different tune each night. When the timer stops and the bell rings, everyone STOPS—even you mom! (Keep to the time.)
It's a great way to teach children that teamwork can be fun.
Another example of making a task fun was used by a mother when handling her son's messiness in a unique way. Her young son kept forgetting to pick up his dirty clothes. She knew how much he loved playing basketball so she hung a lightweight clothes basket on a hook of his closet door. He shot hoops using his clothes and totally solved the problem!
Brain research has shown that children learn faster and retain more when they are having fun.
Closing Thoughts and Encouragement
Now I know that life isn't always fun. I raised three children so I get how crazy it can get sometimes, too. Our lives are very full so children can't always get their way. In those times, we need to be loving and firm by setting appropriate limits and following up with consequences that teach important lessons.
However, if you follow the above parenting tips regularly, you will be pleasantly surprised by just how quickly your relationship will shift and how power struggles decrease.
Many times these actions seem so simple that parents tend to dismiss them. Do not underestimate the power of a friendly smile and sparkling eyes. Do not underestimate the power of choices or the magic of fun.
Yet, nothing works all the time.
Our results depend on many factors:
- the age of the child.
- the quality of our relationship: is it strained or nurtured?
- if we respond with frustration or kindness.
- the level of consistency and follow through.
- how our actions are perceived by the child.
- whether our child is tired or hungry—whether WE are tired and hungry!
Pick just one suggestion that resonates with you and try it out.
When you build strong bridges with the your children by respecting their needs, emotions, and desires, you'll find an incredible freedom and ease unfolding.
Parenting is difficult, complex, and often a very challenging job. Parenting is also amazing, fulfilling, and rewarding.
The best parenting advice is to keep your eye on the target of your long-term goals for your children. Stay attuned to your deep love for your children! Remember, they are not adults in small bodies.
And you're not just parenting, you're creating fertile ground for the budding of incredible human beings that will grow up and become productive, loving, and contributing members of our communities—or not.
NOTE: The principles shared in this blog are taken from the Redirecting Children's Behavior parenting class that is taught by Heartmanity.
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