The Myth of the Dark Empath: Low Versus High Emotional Intelligence

If we look at the “dark empath” behavior through an Adlerian lens, we view it—and all behavior—with more compassion.

According to Alfred Adler, every human behavior, whether adaptive or maladaptive, serves a purpose and represents an attempt to meet core psychological needs.

Adler emphasized that humans are goal-directed beings driven by the fundamental needs for belonging, significance, and competence.

Important Factors Driving  Human Behavior

When examining challenging behaviors through this perspective, we must consider three key and important factors that form an interconnected web influencing human conduct:

• unmet needs
• skill deficits
• unresolved emotions
  
  

Unmet Needs

Adler’s premise was that people have an innate drive for social connection and belonging. Individuals develop compensatory behaviors when basic needs for security, belonging, and recognition go unmet.

For instance, a child who lacks adequate attention may act out disruptively, as negative attention feels preferable to no attention. Similarly, an adult who has never experienced consistent attention or love might seek to get their needs met indirectly, for example, through manipulative ways.

The brain must have experience to know and understand how to do something. How does a person learn how to love without first experiencing love and empathy?

Skill Deficits

Behavior problems can also emerge from lacking the necessary skills to meet challenges effectively, rather than “willful defiance.” For instance, an adult or child who lashes out in anger at another person inappropriately usually lacks emotional regulation and self-management skills.

In the same way, a person who uses the feelings and vulnerabilities of others to get their way is simply repeating behaviors that worked as a child to get their needs met.

Without proper problem-solving abilities, emotional regulation strategies, or social skills, people can resort to less effective coping mechanisms. For example, someone who has never learned skills for healthy conflict resolution, interpersonal boundaries, and/or self-advocacy might default to aggression to overpower another (or avoid or comply when facing disagreements).

Unresolved Emotions

Adler recognized that early emotional experiences shape our basic assumptions about life and our place in it, forming what he called the “style of life.”

Unprocessed feelings of inferiority, shame, or anger don't simply disappear; they manifest in behavioral patterns aimed at protecting us from further emotional pain. A person who experienced early rejection might develop a defensive, isolating pattern of behavior to avoid risking future hurt. 

The interconnected nature of these three elements (needs, skills, and emotions ) creates a dynamic system where each component influences the others. Unmet needs generate painful emotions, which may interfere with skill development. Limited skills lead to frustration and uncomfortable experiences, intensifying emotional distress and making it harder to meet needs effectively.

How Childhood Experiences Impact Behavior

When applying Adler’s theory of human behavior to “dark empaths,” engaging in manipulative behavior could be purposeful and fueled by a place of deep insecurity and unmet needs.

Let's look at how this might play out:

Imagine a child growing up with unpredictable, immature, or absent parents. Likely this child will learn that direct requests for their needs to be met will be ignored, rejected, or maybe even punished. Over time, this child will develop tactics, such as using guilt to convince someone to help them or creating emotional drama and crisis to ensure others would respond to their needs.

Or here’s another example. Robert never felt good enough in his family and was continually criticized by his father. Rather than risk direct rejection (a threat to the brain), he became skilled at indirect methods of getting what he wanted. He withheld information at work to outshine his colleagues, gave flattery to his wife to deflect responsibility, and cut off friendships that challenged his self-worth.

These behaviors, while problematic, are human.

They aren’t necessarily motivated by malice; they are adaptive behavioral strategies learned in childhood.

Someone who manipulates others may be seeking to meet legitimate needs for connection, security, or validation but lack the skills or emotional safety to pursue those needs directly.

The Difference between Genuine Empathy and "Dark Empathy"

Here’s where genuine empathy comes in.

If we exert empathy for those stuck in a pattern of dark empathy, we lift the veil of judgment, seek to understand, and meet their underlying need.

By seeing beyond “misbehavior” or “manipulative” behavior, we now hold the power to accept them and hold them accountable for respectful behavior in relationships.

The tragedy is that manipulative patterns actually prevent people from getting their needs met. While they might achieve short-term goals, they sacrifice the possibility of authentic relationships and genuine intimacy, which all humans ultimately need in their lives to thrive.

Understanding ineffective or exploitative behaviors doesn’t excuse them, but it increases our compassion for the underlying need and/or skill deficit driving the behavior.

They may be highly sufficient in cognitive empathy, funneling their ability to read others, but self-protection and insecurity motivate their behavior rather than genuine connection.

Related reading: "The Three Kinds of Empathy."

Genuine Empathy Shows Compassion Toward Everyone

Real healing begins when a person deepens self-awareness and is willing to acknowledge where they need help to meet their needs for security, belonging, and self-worth while also honoring and respecting others' needs and boundaries.

This emotional maturity usually requires developing new EQ skills:

• Open and honest communication
• Emotional regulation
• Tolerating discomfort and vulnerability
• A desire for personal growth
• Willingness to begin trusting others

The path forward isn't about condemning the “dark empath’s” behavior but understanding its purpose and finding healthier ways to meet those underlying needs.

Emotional intelligence is a set of tools, much like a carpenter has a toolbelt of tools to do his work. He can use a hammer or drill to build and create something useful and beautiful or use the same tools to destroy.

Labeling someone as a "dark empath" lacks empathy and doesn't help us love each other better.

Instead, labeling someone as a “dark empath” often denies them our empathy for their own human struggles. We have neatly judged, labeled, and compartmentalized their behavior without giving them the same safety and compassion we all need and seek.

Now, this discussion may sound naïve. After all, most of us aren’t psychologists with a trained eye.

However, if we are astute and emotional intelligent, we will not be flattered by compliments or tricked by false or “dark” empathy. High emotional intelligence empowers us to see beyond surface-level behavior to create meaningful connections.

Within this emotional intelligence model, we hone and utilize all of ourselves with pure intentions: intellectually, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and relationally.

After all, whatever I do to others, I also do to myself.

What can be mistaken for “dark empathy” is often just lower emotional intelligence and someone who is struggling to meet their emotional needs for security, significance, and belonging.

The hallmark of high emotional intelligence is not just the ability to identify emotions but to use that awareness ethically, compassionately, and in ways that uplift both ourselves and those around us.

This upliftment is the true power of emotional intelligence—a power that, when developed and mastered, naturally leads to healthy relationships, greater joy, and consistent respect.

Sure, it’s true; some people might use false empathy to get what they want, but aren’t we all just trying to figure things out? Perfectly imperfect humans.

It’s been my experience that focusing on growing ourselves is the biggest boon to social change. When we improve our lives, heal ourselves, and flex our best, it spills over to everyone.

Love is a contagion.

So, let's forge healthy relationships—beginning with an honest relationship with ourselves. Also, let's pause and reflect on what unmet needs in ourselves or unresolved pain might be contributing to our judgment and labeling of others as “dark,” “manipulative,” or “exploitive.”

Everyone wins when we increase self-awareness and extend empathy to ALL.

If you'd like to learn more about empathy, it's one of Heartmanity's specialties! Try out our popular workbook, Real Empathy, Real Solutions: 4 Keys to Unlocking the Power of Empathy.