Truly, bullying affects us all, and it is not a new problem (think slavery, spousal abuse, the presidential campaign). The good news is the level of support and knowledge now available has created greater awareness and Gorilla Glue to unite people in championing the anti-bullying cause.
But have we misunderstood the issue altogether?
Estimated reading time: 4 minutes
Following news and reading scores of blogs and articles on bullying, I’ve found a common thread that seems to stand out in the bullying issue: we seek to correct bullying with a swift, forceful response based on a fundamentally incorrect assumption about behavior.
As parents, teachers, business owners, lawmakers and enforcers, and as a society as a whole, we believe for the most part that “bad” behavior should be punished.
In other words, we believe that bad or unacceptable behavior justifies treating someone badly. The premise is that if we make a child or adult feel really, really bad for the way they act or for what they do, they will be much less likely to repeat the same behavior in the future.
Consider the following instances that have made the news. Teachers can’t control a 5-year-old Tennessee kindergartener; they call the school resource officer, who handcuffs him to a chair. In San Mateo, California, a 7-year-old special needs boy refuses to come down off a bookshelf; he is pepper-sprayed in the face by police.
The Misconception Around "Misbehavior"
No doubt, teachers have an incredibly difficult job, but these instances are definitely over the top!
Why do people overreact to those overpowering others?
One reason is a lack of skills to manage children; the adults feel powerless. The result is—bullying of a child by adults.
We react because we view the child’s behavior as “bad,” so we often try to bully it out of them!
By doing so, we are creating the very environment that grows future bullies. As long as we overlook the false premise that helps to perpetuate the problem, no bullying programs or initiatives will have a lasting effect on the problem of bullying.
They might make us feel better that we’re getting tough on bullying and actually doing something about the problem, but they will be ineffective.
Our Mistaken Belief About Behavior Perpetuates Bullying
Our mistaken perspective is one of the main reasons bullying pervades our culture today. Any result induced by fear will create resentment, anger, a sense of powerlessness, and most often a feeling of alienation in the child—prerequisites to creating bullies, and for that matter, victims and bystanders as well. Not to mention that in the process of punishment (i.e., spanking or intimidation), the bully learns no new skill and isn't given the opportunity to make a repair to the person they've injured.
I have been on every side of this issue as a child and teen growing up: a victim of serious bullying who turned into a bully in response, and at times into a passive bystander. And then I spent years learning, developing, and teaching skills to create respectful and compassionate parenting and relationships.
When a child or adult feels...
- powerful and purposeful in an appropriate way in their life;
- belongs to a meaningful and supportive community;
- feels like they have value and impact within that community;
- it's possible to heal painful experiences and progress
they no longer need to overpower or bully to get a sense of power in an unproductive way, or when targeted, give up their power to bullies.
Healing and Empowerment: a Path to Equality and Mutual Respect
True personal healing and empowerment reverse the problem organically.
We will not end or prevent bullying by bullying bullies.
Sure, the behaviors of some children and teens may shock us—but are we as adults acting loving and respectful?
And are they following our example?
Effective modeling for our children and caring interactions with them remain the most powerful ways to cultivate loving and responsible adults.
We cannot heal unloving behavior with more unloving behavior.
To learn more EQ skills to handle bullying more effectively, contact us at support@heartmanity.com or visit Heartmanity's resources.
