Powerful Parenting Without Spanking

In over two decades as a parent, parent educator, and behavioral consultant, I have discussed the subject of spanking with droves of parents. Some parents still advocate spanking, and many more who are ambivalent or hesitant about spanking still use it as a form of discipline. Why? Because it works, right? No, because it works in the short term. We like quick fixes, and we want to see immediate results. Besides, immediate obedience equals respect, doesn't it? Find out the effects of spanking on a child's brain and development with recent scientific studies.

Estimated reading time: 4.5 minutes

Brain research finds spanking is detrimental

Spanking and Short-Term Results

Well, parental spanking may stop your toddler from putting his finger in an electrical outlet—for now, when you're around. It may motivate a child to stop an inappropriate behavior—for now, when you're around.

Spanking may give you as a parent some relief or even a sense of satisfaction that you have taught your child a lesson—for now. However, new research shows that the results of spanking can be detrimental to your child's development and even create increased misbehavior in the future. And spanking is ineffective for a score of other reasons that you'll discover if you keep reading.

Please note: Even though I feel strongly about this topic, my experience as a young mother with very few skills gave me tremendous compassion for all parents. To consistently respond with love and model respect while also teaching our children these values is a monumental task. Parenting is not for the faint of heart. There are no bad parents; only people doing their very best given their past experience and opportunity. Therefore, although my message is passionate, my intention is not to judge but to awaken.

Brain Research Says Spanking Is Harmful

Spanking often gets quick results, but at what price? Two articles from Psychology Today, "How Spanking Harms the Brain" and "Research on Spanking: It's Bad for ALL Kids," make it clear why we need to upgrade our parenting paradigm and relinquish old methods that are as outdated as slavery.

Research shows that spanking may reduce the developing brain's gray matter—the connective tissue between brain cells. Learning ability depends on the healthy production of gray matter, and it is also a critical component of the central nervous system. Some studies link spanking with later aggression, lower self-esteem, antisocial behavior, a decline in academic scores, and an increased likelihood of mental illness.

But the burning question for me is: Why do we even need brain research to show us that spanking isn't okay? If a man hits his wife, it's spousal abuse. If a bully smacks another boy, he gets punished and perhaps expelled from school. But if a child hits their sibling or disobeys, the parent hits the child—and it's okay? Is that a double message or what?

Thirty countries have now banned physical punishment, but the United States is not among them. What makes us think that hitting a child is acceptable in any form?

Possible Reasons Parents Spank

In my point of view, there are several common reasons why parents spank:

They feel helpless in the face of challenging behaviors.
They lack parenting skills and/or knowledge.
They are unable to calm their frustration or manage strong emotions.
They are acting out pain from their childhoods, or they were spanked themselves as a child.
They are immature and haven't had adequate love and/or opportunity to be a kid themselves (for instance, a teenage mother or someone who was hurt as a child).
They actually believe it's for the good of the child.

There may be other reasons, but these are the most common ones I've heard over the years. If you look at these reasons, they are not actually supportive of spanking (except #6) but are only defaults because parents just don't know how to parent better. If we knew better, we would do better. And if you think a child needs a spanking to learn something or to do better next time, I'd invite you to ask yourself a few questions:

"Do I need to be hit in order to learn how to cook better, organize better, parent better, pay bills better, drive better, garden better, or do my job better?"
"Would being hit make me feel encouraged? Or would it make me more hesitant to act?"
"How might I feel toward the person hitting me?"
"Do I feel safe with any person who hits me?"

What we know about the brain is that adults and children alike learn best when they feel safe. And there's nothing about spanking that makes children feel safe. When children are afraid of a possible consequence like spanking, they are stressed and not free to be themselves or to devote as much energy and focus to their growth and development. Children who are spanked have to focus on anticipating what they might do or not do that could cause their parents to hit (or spank) them. Spanking a child is not a viable solution!

So how did we get here? When did we start believing that children had to feel really bad and be hurt in order to want to do better?

Why Punishment Is Ineffective, Unnecessary, and Harmful to Long-Term Values

To believe that spanking children is necessary, we must first believe that a child is incapable of doing what is right without pain being inflicted upon them. But if we truly believe that children are seeking to grow themselves and to be their best through exploration of their environment, we will see their behavior with fresh eyes. With a shift in our attitude toward children, the word "misbehavior" may even disappear from our vocabulary altogether.

A mom spanking a child in anger It's common for parents to threaten, yell, and spank, especially in today's hectic lives. However, there are much better ways to guide and teach children, yet parents only know what they know. Sometimes parents just do what their parents did, because it's familiar and they were spanked. No parent that I've ever met will tell you that they liked being spanked, but some will say that their behavior justified the spanking.

My question is: Why is it okay to hurt someone to make a point?

If we value kindness and respect in our children but then spank them, even occasionally, what are we teaching them? At best, we're sending a double message.

In order to teach our children to be kind, we must be kind. To teach our children to be respectful, we must respect them. It's that simple. As James Baldwin so aptly stated: "Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them."

How to Use Positive Parenting Solutions to Cultivate Cooperation and Obedience

Using positive discipline and modeling respect encourages cooperation and true obedience. Let me give you an example of two ways to handle a difficult situation. The first way uses overpowering and spanking, but the mom ends up bribing the child in the end. In the second scenario, the mom utilizes respect for the child and also follows through to meet her own need.

It's four o'clock and Mom needs to run to the grocery store for ingredients for dinner. However, her three-year-old son is building a house out of blocks, and he doesn't want to stop. Mom asks him to come along. At first, he ignores her and continues to build. Mom asks several more times, then gets impatient and speaks louder and more sternly. This causes the child to hear—but then he fervently objects.

By now Mom is feeling stressed because she knows how long it takes to prepare dinner, and she is getting frustrated with the child's defiance. She picks him up abruptly and carries him out to the car kicking and screaming. When he arches his back and refuses to get in his car seat, she swats him on the bottom hard and straps him in his car seat while he wails.

As they pull into the grocery store parking lot, her son is still fussing and she's feeling a little guilty for spanking him and dragging him to the store when he was playing so nicely. So she tells him that if he quiets down, she'll buy him a treat. He stops fussing.

We've all been there—sometimes it's just one of those days. But what is the mom teaching the child? The child hears: "My needs don't matter." "It's not okay to object." And the mom's example teaches: "If you can't get your way by asking, it's okay to overpower somebody." "It's okay to bribe people to get what you want." "When you're upset, it's okay to hit someone." And so on. However, what makes the trip to the grocery store (Mom's desire and need) any more legitimate than building a house with blocks (the child's desire and need for exploration, fine motor development, creativity, spatial awareness, eye-hand coordination, etc.)?

When Mom asks the child to come and he ignores her and keeps building, we call that disobedience. But isn't the child being obedient to his inner needs? And now we've caused a dilemma for the child: "Who do I obey?"

However, Mom could plan and time her grocery shopping to respect the child's activity. Then the scenario would go like this:

Mom says, "When you finish building, let's go to the grocery store. You can help me pick out the snack for tonight." [She is respecting the activity and timing of the child, and she is giving him an incentive by creating a way he can be helpful, and by giving him appropriate power to help pick out the family snack.]

Now, I can hear parents saying out loud with fervor, "That won't work!" or "What if that doesn't work!?" And of course, nothing works all the time. But let's play it out. Suppose the child ignores you or still objects when you kindly say the above:

Mom walks over to the child, gently puts her hand on his shoulder, and says, "You really love building, don't you? It's time to go to the grocery store. If you come right away, this pony's giving rides!" [This playful invitation gives the child further incentive to cooperate.]

What is the child learning this time? "I matter and what I love matters." "Mom really cares about what I enjoy, and therefore she cares about me." "It feels good to have Mom understand me [by giving empathy and validation for my interest in building]." "It's not just about what Mom wants. I have value too—I get to help pick out the snack!"

Again, I hear your voices out there:
"I don't want to have to make everything fun! My kid should just obey!"

True, we're not always in the mood or even have time for this kind of response in every situation. And it's true, not everything in life is fun. We aren't always going to get what we want. However, I've discovered in my own parenting (as well as in working with hundreds of other parents) that when you respect your child, honor their interests and timing, and regularly make them a priority, this strategy does work.

If we can teach and prepare our children for the world without spanking, shouldn't we?

Mother cuddling with her toddler

Parenting from the Heart Creates a Pathway of Ease

Then when you only have time to dash out the door, your child cooperates and responds quickly—not because you've threatened them, but because their needs are met and a loving relationship has been nurtured. This connection serves as elastic for the child to be flexible when we don't have the time or energy to be creative and playful. The child respects us and our needs and timing because they've experienced respect and we've modeled it! Now we get to enjoy the fruits of our connection.

Maria Montessori once said, "A child's work is to create the person he [or she] will become." Think about that for a moment. If we look through this lens, we can view discipline very differently. We can step back, relax, and focus on how well we're modeling kindness, respect, love, patience, and humility. Now, that is powerful parenting!

If you liked this spanking blog, check out Heartmanity's other parenting blogs. To learn how to parent without spanking and to discipline your children that align with your values, read our blog, "Visionary Parenting Is the Key to Capable and Happy Children."

For parenting from the heart, key parenting tools, and effective discipline, visit our parenting resource page!