Parenting is a difficult and complex job. No one who has ever been a parent will argue this point. However, one of the reasons that parenting is so hard is not because children are difficult but because we do not know how to parent consciously from a free place. When we are able to modulate our own emotions and reactions in response to their behavior, we can then respond from a much more loving place.
Unfortunately, we bring to our parenting the unresolved leftovers from our childhood and the models of our own parents, no matter how poor their example may have been. Then we mix in a lack of skill and/or a lack of knowledge about developmental stages, temperament, and learning styles, and we have a handicap. And on top of these disadvantages, our culture has instilled in us some hefty misconceptions about discipline.
There isn't any question that things have gone awry. Just look around at crime, the bullying epidemic, the increase in eating disorders and obesity, violence, teen suicide, drug use, and illiteracy. Obviously we're missing the mark by a long shot!
A long-standing belief still held today is that we have the right to punish and spank children. And at the core of punishment and spanking are some chronic flaws and myths that carry us down that river without ever questioning how we got there. The way we have viewed children for centuries is limiting—and our unchallenged misconceptions prevent us from raising healthy, happy children and dramatically inhibit the cultivation of greatness in them that would benefit us all as a society.
Let's look at four of the myths that underpin our societal crises and our inability to make effectual change in our homes and schools. My aim is to give you another perspective that may shift your view of discipline.
MYTH #1: Children need to be told, taught, directed, and controlled to do what is right.
This fallacy is spawned by the misconception that children don't really want to do what is right. However, love, a sense of justice, and cooperation are qualities of children's true nature. They want to do what is right and loving. Of course, because their experience is limited, children look to parents and teachers to help them understand how to live.
TRUTH #1: Children are naturally self-directed when they are given freedom within an environment that supports their developmental needs. (This is the foundation of the Montessori method.)
How would life and our relationships with our children be different if we truly believed—and trusted—that the child contains the seeds of development and truth inside them, just as the acorn holds a potential tree inside? We don't lecture acorns about how to grow strong and tall. We don't coach lilac bushes to grow beautiful blossoms. We don't punish the ocean because it's salty and burns our eyes or feel obligated to instruct it to remember its tides.
MYTH #2: Children learn self-control by being controlled.
Is this really true? When we are directing and correcting children or threatening them with punishment and spanking, we are denying them the opportunity to practice many important skills. In our well-meaning but short-sighted desire to extract obedience from our children, we often override and cancel out important skills-in-the-making: creativity, exploration, and discovery; following the lead of their own hearts; critical thinking and problem solving; self-calming; win-win negotiation or conflict resolution—to name just a few.
TRUTH #2: Self-control is not present at birth; it is learned through an elaborate process over many years through many experiences. When a child learns to course-correct from within, there is very little need for outer correction from adults as a child grows older.
Just as leg muscles will atrophy if not used or exercised, so will the muscles of self-reliance. When we make obedience all-important, we deny children the opportunity to build the muscles that lead to self-regulation: management of energy, emotion, time, and behavior. Children are capable of self-control, but they need to practice and develop it.
MYTH #3: Obedience equals respect.
When a child obeys, it may be an illusion that the adult is being respected. If the child complies to avoid punishment, that is fear, not respect. If the child has learned to mindlessly obey because the adults in their life have overpowered them or controlled them with threats, that's resignation. Obedience in this sense is no more than an extension of the will of an adult. How is that respectful?
True respect is respectful of all persons involved. When we are genuinely respectful, we freely choose to cooperate rather than giving up ourselves and just going along. So a greater form of respect might be honesty and the openness that is cultivated through safety and the sincere desire to understand. Then cooperation can be reached by resolving the conflict created by differences.
Respect warrants consideration of the needs and desires of both the adult and the child, not just the child's compliance. I'm not saying that there aren't times when a child needs to be obedient, especially in life-threatening situations. However, obedience that springs from love, connection, and respect is very different from obedience extracted through control and fear.
TRUTH #3: When a child is given power in appropriate ways, they will freely and willingly obey—but that cooperation is the fruit of a thriving relationship, not the result of control through punishment.
MYTH #4: Children should learn to obey and respect authority.
There are several problems with this premise. An obvious one is that there are adults who are not worthy of trust and obedience—so obedience can become a risky, even dangerous proposition.
What if we taught children to listen to and obey their own inner sense of what is right? Then they would cooperate when it is reasonable, and they'd also be able to say no or negotiate when what is being asked of them conflicts with their values and needs or their heart's integrity.
Let's fast-forward and see how controlling children and demanding obedience from them can backfire.
Scenario A: A fellow classmate asks a child to do something mean to a mutual friend because he's mad at the friend. If the child has been trained to comply, the child will likely go along, even though his heart tells him it doesn't feel good. However, if the child has been encouraged to listen to their own inner guidance system, they will be much more likely to do what is right in the above situation.
Scenario B: A pedophile asks a child for help, like looking for a lost puppy (a common lure). The child who's been trained to please adults, comply, or be obedient will likely ignore their inner warning signals, whereas a child who's attuned to their inner authority will more likely heed the alarms going off inside and disobey authority.
Scenario C: A preteen or teen goes to a party, and they don't realize until they arrive that it's a drug party. There is a huge bowl of prescription and nonprescription drugs, and everyone is playing the game of taking a "mystery" drug.
What would you want your child to do? If they have practiced listening to their gut, exercised the ability to say no, and learned to make good decisions, they will be much more likely to recognize their uncomfortable feelings, delay immediate gratification, and wisely choose to leave. However, if they've been trained to please and go along with others, it will be much harder for them to go against peer pressure.
Children must learn boundary setting, discretion, and discernment, but they cannot learn these when it is unsafe to pay attention to the promptings of their own heart—even when those promptings are inconvenient or go against what we as parents want.
TRUTH #4: Authority does not have an inherent right to be respected. Respect must be earned. True authority comes from within, and obedience naturally unfolds when it aligns with the highest good of all.
When we do not question old ways of doing things even if the results are dismal, it becomes impossible to create a brighter future. We cannot hope to have our children grow into healthy, freethinking, loving, and responsible adults when we do not give them the right ingredients for success.
We don't need to tell children and teens what to do and how to do it. We need to allow them to connect and develop a relationship with their true nature of love, while we provide a strong influence through a loving and respectful relationship with them.
Let's nurture the acorn within our children that is waiting to sprout and grow into a mighty oak!
To learn how to teach children self-control, attend one of our parenting classes or schedule your private coaching. Visit our parenting resources today.
