A client once said to me, “I feel like I’m bleeding to death from a million tiny cuts.” As a couple, we can fall into an antagonistic relationship habit without even realizing it, such as continually digging up the past or neglecting to dedicate quality time to the relationship. We begin doing the very things that damage a strong and healthy relationship. Sometimes, even small, annoying relationship habits begin to create static and strife, replacing true connection.
Estimated reading time: 6 minutes
Common Relationship Mistakes
Think about it for a minute. When our relationship spark dampens, often, it really does begin with the little things. They accumulate and build, depleting a couple's loving connection while adding tension to communication:
- an irritating remark
- a small bite of criticism
- complaining or nagging that a home project isn't done
- criticizing that your partner works too much
- a last-minute cancellation of date night
- forgetting key dates like birthdays or Valentine’s Day
If you yearn to have a loving and supportive relationship with your partner or spouse, pay attention to the small things. Make an effort to be aware of your tone of voice and make sure you appreciate your partner instead of criticize.
Another big mistake couples tend to make is to take their relationship for granted, to take their love for granted. By doing so, they carelessly begin to erode the quality of connection with harsh words, working too much, or devoting too much time to a hobby.
Love is a choice—every single day!
No matter how great your relationship is and no matter how compatible you are as a couple, your relationship is more likely to self-destruct if you repeat the same mistakes over and over. Or if you neglect the vital actions that keep a relationship fresh and healthy.
We need to know what we might be doing—or not doing—that cause those tiny cuts to bleed our love and create distance between us.
Therefore, it’s useful to examine our actions and behaviors. What's helpful or unhelpful; encouraging or discouraging; uplifting or downright destructive?
So let’s talk about three common things that erode relationships and their remedies so you can introduce more intentional actions to bolster your relationship.
Relationship Mistake #1: Keeping Your Attention on What’s Wrong
Many people habitually keep their attention on everything negative that their partner does. By focusing on what’s wrong, we create thinking habits that generate a sense of unrest and dissatisfaction within ourselves and the relationship.
It’s a natural human tendency to go where we’re wanted and appreciated. Does anyone actually like to have someone continually highlighting their shortcomings and mistakes? I’m going to guess no. And yet, we sometimes do precisely that. We keep our focus on what’s wrong instead of on what’s right.
Granted, our brains are wired to look for what’s wrong to stay safe, but this isn’t helpful for relationships. It is discouraging and particularly disturbing for the person we are finding fault with. When this behavior becomes a habit, the centerpiece of a relationship can begin to become each other’s faults instead of our love for one another.
Faultfinding and criticism are common diseases that lead to affairs and divorce.
Relationship Remedy #1: Keep Your Attention on What You Love!
Instead, look for and consciously choose to put your attention on what you love and respect in your spouse or partner. Spotlight what your partner is doing that makes your life happier, easier, and helps you feel cared for and loved.
Focus on the positives; expand and savor them. Minimize the negatives while also taking constructive actions to develop your potential as individuals and improve your communication as a couple. Do the unexpected with playfulness and add fun to your daily life.
This positive strategy pays dividends. However, it doesn't mean that you ignore what's wrong. When you have a legitimate complaint, approach it from a sincere desire to resolve it and find a win-win.
Related Reading: "If You Want a Successful Marriage, Increase Self-Mastery!"
Relationship Mistake #2:
Competing to Get Your Needs Met
A second common tendency is to compete with your partner to get your needs met instead of creatively cultivating win-win solutions regularly.
In our stress-filled lives, it’s easy to skip exercise or grab fast food a day too many. However, when we neglect our self-care, we often make it our partner’s problem. Then the two of us can get stuck in power struggles. Or we resent our partner and say things like, “It must be nice to get exercise every day!”
Relationship Remedy #2:
We all have needs—so why not take responsibility for your own? Think of times you feel your best. What have you been doing (or not doing, like skipping that pint of Häagen Dazs at night) to make yourself feel so great?
Make a list of all the things you do when you feel great. Keep adding to the list as you discover new things that you need and bring you joy. Then take action to meet your needs regularly. Our self-care dramatically impacts how we interact in a relationship.
And along with meeting your own needs, be interested in what your partner needs to feel their best, too. Make a point to get curious and create support for your partner to care for themselves consistently. Everyone benefits.
(And no, it’s not your job to monitor and ensure your partner meets their needs. It’s theirs!)
Relationship Mistake #3:
Withholding Your Love or Hurting Back When You Feel Hurt
It is understandable that when we feel hurt, we want to pull in and withdraw a little. It’s important to take time and get a little space to regroup and sort through and soothe our conflicting feelings at times. However, self-calming is very different from disconnecting, withholding love, or punishing our partner.
When we withhold love, we’re basically saying:
- We’re unwilling to express love unless our partner treats us a
certain way or they're caretaking our feelings. - We only give love when we feel loved. (conditional love)
- We’re punishing our partner for our hurt.
- Our love is about getting love. (dependent love)
- The only way to be safe is to separate.
(Sometimes, we do need to separate to be safe; abuse is never okay. However, for many couples, a lack of safety is only a perception. Hurt feelings can distort our conclusions.)
Related Reading: "Why Do People Take Out Their Anger on Others? And What to Do About It!"
When we’re taking care of ourselves (that is, taking space in a healthy way), we intend to stay present to ourselves and connected in the relationship.
We're only trying to figure out what we need to return to our hearts. For instance, “I love you, and I need a break from this conversation.” or “I love you, and I need some time alone to calm before I react and say something hurtful.”
The intention is to safeguard our relationship, seek self-care, and return to resolution, lovingness, and respect as soon as possible.
Relationship Remedy #3:
When you feel hurt, refrain from hurting back. Instead, be present to your hurt feelings until you regain harmony enough to talk about the hurt without blaming.
Often when someone hurts us, they are feeling hurt too, but we may not realize it. We have the power to interrupt an unloving interaction by seeking to understand—first ourselves, then our partner.
This curiosity allows us to discover what’s in the way of love. Getting curious while remaining open is the secret to quick resolution, deeper understanding, and an ever-growing connection in love. And with this mind shift, we are better able to resolve our differences as they arise.
So the next time you want to lash out or pout, breathe and take a few minutes to center.
Ask yourself, “What can I do right now that would be loving to both of us?”
Then take action before you chicken out! It takes courage and feels risky at first, but the payoffs are enormous. And the more we practice these shifts, the happier and more solid our relationship becomes. Now your heart and relationship have grown some new muscles, and the positive memories will sweeten the pot!
Related reading: "How to Unravel the Knots and Tangles in a Relationship."
Note: In this post, when we talk about "safety," we're referring to emotional safety. If someone's anger makes you feel physically unsafe, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233.
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