Relationships are perhaps the most difficult yoga there is. Even though love connects us together, the stresses of our busy lives work against us. Add to this stress the multitude of differences, getting along in marriage can be challenging.
We might even begin to wonder why we're in the relationship at all. Have you ever said, "My messy husband is driving me crazy!"? Or "The fighting is driving me crazy!" when you're referring to a daily argument? Or "Why is relationship so hard!?"
Estimated reading time: 4 minutes
Once I had a woman write me for marriage advice: "I love my husband deeply, but he drives me crazy by the things he does and doesn’t do!
He’s messy, not good with money, and takes forever to do anything around the house. His to-do list is a mile long. No matter what I say, nothing changes, and he only gets angry when I mention anything.
How can you love someone so much and be so infuriated by their behavior? And what, if anything, can I do to make it better?"
She signed it: Crazy-making!
This dilemma is common, but it's not an easy question. And, of course, the woman's frustration is understandable. I'm sure there are just as many men saying similar comments. However, we cannot change or control the actions of another person, nor should we try.
The only power we have in situations like these is to change our response. And how we respond can invoke different behaviors. Often, when we are frustrated with our partner's behavior, we gravitate to complaining.
In my couples mentoring, I've heard many times, "My spouse is driving me crazy!"
And I'm reminded of a quote that I like from Psychologist Frank Pittman, "It's true that families can drive you crazy, but they can also love you sane."
Truer words couldn't be spoken about our partners! Remembering the love part is the key.
Deep Dive: "Can One Person Transform a Relationship?"
It's true, we have no power to control another person—no matter how hard we might try! And it's not always easy to accept that the only person we DO have control over is ourselves.
Difficult to swallow; liberating to live by.
People are sometimes drawn together to give them an opportunity to learn from one another.
The best way through frustration for the woman above is to retrieve the gems lying buried under her husband’s messes and inaction.
After all, love is a choice.
The best marriage advice when we are upset or annoyed with our partner's behavior is to dig deeper into our love while focusing on what we can change: our response.
It truly helps to familiarize yourself with what men want in a relationship; women are often surprised by how differently they approach relationships than men.
Does that mean that we just look the other way when our partner's behavior is affecting us negatively?
Absolutely not!
However, it may be time to set up healthy boundaries and consequences to encourage a new way of behaving.
When we are unhappy with our spouse's behavior, we can radically change the way it affects us by altering our approach.
Putting a clear and intentional limit around what you are willing and unwilling to tolerate is critical in getting a different result.
Identify what you want. Then, determine what you need to do to get that result.
Related reading: "How to Stop Complaining: An Action Plan to Happiness"
I found myself years ago in a similar situation as the lady above. I hated mess! As long as anything was out of order, I couldn’t sit still.
However, hidden under my frustration was an inability to relax. I always needed to be productive.
Then came a major aha: I was making myself responsible for cleaning up everyone else’s messes. I was doing things for others that they could and should do for themselves. It worked... until it didn't.
I was operating this way because I had a need to be needed... or dare I say, be a "martyr." Playing the martyr card gave me a false sense of feeling better about myself. This might not be true for you; you may have other gems to mine.
The habit of pushing myself relentlessly had to go. To accomplish this shift, I needed to develop the ability to slow down and be present, to just BE.
First, I stopped nagging my husband. Before requiring anything different from him, I chose to roll up my sleeves and work on changing myself.
Relaxing and “being” were my new priorities. And I gotta tell you, it was excruciating at first!
Why?
Because being productive helped me to feel good about myself. Of course, there's nothing wrong with being productive unless it turns to burnout or overdoing to the point of resentment, which it had for me.
This pattern was overriding my connection with others—including my husband—and making me feel stressed much of the time. I needed to self-regulate my emotions and learn to chill and relax.
These are the gems mentioned earlier.
Guess who was great at relaxing?
Yup, my husband … the “messy” one! He is a person who highly values relaxing, recreating, conversing, and connecting.
People with this temperament and values can place productive activities much lower on their priority list.
I suspect that you might be different from your partner, too, even opposites. Are you neat and orderly, great with money, and a make-it-happen person? And your partner is not?
Remember what you fell in love with before routine set in? What were those qualities that attracted you?
Maybe you were a fabulous organizer and planner but you loved your partner's spontaneity. Now, years later, these same qualities aggravate you.
In a relationship, we must learn to appreciate and honor each other's differences to keep love alive.
Enlisting my husband’s help and example, I slowly learned to reintegrate the relaxed, fun part of me—and complain A LOT LESS!
I could relax and enjoy downtime regardless of what was left undone—even if dirty dishes were screaming from the kitchen. The endless to-dos buzzing around in my head dissolved into connection and laughter.
My frustration melted, and I refined how I held others accountable for what they committed to, which has been much more effective.
Do I still value a clean and neat home?
Absolutely.
But when nothing within was triggering me, I was free to set healthier boundaries for others and, therefore, have more time to relax. And because I was no longer nagging and crabby, others wanted to help more, too. And my husband started showing up differently as a bonus.
Not to mention, I was a whole lot more fun to be with!
Related reading: "You Create the Quality of Your Relationship"
When something upsets us—whether it’s messiness or habits around money or something else—it often has little to do with another person’s behavior.
Calming ourselves and then changing the frame of how we look at our partner will reveal a new perspective.
Many times, a slight shift can reveal the part of us that is asking, even aching, for attention. Sometimes, there is a past pain surfacing that needs to be healed, as in my example. I developed my high standards, drive, and motivation from continually trying to prove myself worthy of love as a child.
If we were shamed or made wrong as children, another person's behavior can remind us of our original pain. Our reactions and upset feelings are often clues that we need to heal and grow ourselves.
Mastering yourself is the best remedy for a happy relationship!
I encourage you to gently peek within yourself and see if there is something fueling your frustration besides your husband’s behavior.
Focus on what you can change that will move you closer to resolution. Once we get right inside and communicate from a new place, the outer situations often resolve themselves. Try it!
And sometimes, it's necessary to set healthy boundaries to take care of ourselves, too.
If you would like personalized marriage advice or support in your relationship, see Heartmanity's mentoring programs.
And if you need to learn how to set boundaries, try out our online course.