The intention behind the Gentle Parenting Style and trend has the right idea. It’s absolutely true that children deserve to be treated with kindness, empathy, and understanding. Most parents who choose the Gentle Parenting model want to raise children who feel heard, seen, loved, and emotionally secure. All great reasons, right!?
So, what goes wrong?
Estimated reading time: 6 minutes
Before we dive into how the Gentle Parenting Style falls short, let’s define what it is so we’re on the same page.
Gentle parenting focuses on connection and communication through listening, validating emotions, and guiding behavior without punishment or the typical enforcement of behavior found in autocratic or authoritarian parenting styles.
Although Gentle Parenting has no academic research-based support, it is gaining popularity in reaction to the old authoritarian models of rewards, control and punishment.
Many parents embrace it because they want:
Done well, gentle parenting can build empathy and security. But when taken to the extreme, it can be interpreted and executed as endless tolerance, reasoning and emotional accommodation—where limits get blurred, rules and structure are vacant, and parents feel powerless when big emotions surface.
The intention is loving. Positive parenting models are inherently good; some parents are unable to enforce boundaries effectively when attempting to be kind and gentle. But Gentle Parenting is not permissive parenting, which it can be confused with.
Related reading: "What Style of Parent Are You? Parenting Styles: What's the Best One?"
Gentle parenting starts with love and sincerity. Parents want to raise emotionally intelligent, secure kids—not children who fear making mistakes or who are punished for expressing themselves emotionally. But in their efforts to protect their children from discomfort, many well-meaning parents unintentionally protect them from healthy emotional development.
A great analogy is the development of a baby chick. The chick, before breaking free of the shell, must struggle, build muscles, assert itself, peck and push the limits that keep it encased. During this process, the chick prepares to survive outside the shell.
If a human helps the chick and breaks the shell prematurely, the chick will die.
When a child is upset and a parent rushes in to soothe, fix, or remove the distress, the child loses the opportunity to:
Some parents may be denying their child the ability to learn emotional literacy and emotional regulation by jumping in too soon. Both of these EQ skills are vital for healthy development and interacting with others.
Over time, parents’ over-responsiveness can send a subtle yet powerful message:
“Feelings are too big for you to handle; you need my help.”
And when kids believe they can’t handle their own feelings, anxiety often fills the space as they age.
Of course, when children are very young (0-3 years old), it’s critical for parents to comfort and soothe. Providing consistent safety and consoling helps to form secure attachment and parents assist in regulating young children.
However, as a child grows, the goal as parents is to teach and transfer the responsibility of managing emotions to the child, especially once their cognitive brain comes online. If parents over-respond repeatedly or react too quickly, they deny children their own mastery and too much parental soothing can backfire.
Emotional resilience isn’t built by avoiding hard moments—it’s built by experiencing them and learning how to navigate them successfully. As children move through them and develop skills, they gain confidence.
However, when children think they are reliant on others to calm themselves, it’s a prerequisite for dependency and a major ding to their confidence.
Dr. Becky Kennedy, a clinical psychologist and the author of the parenting book, Good Inside, warns, “When you orient a child to focus on the impact of her feelings on you instead of the reality of the feelings inside herself, you are wiring a child for co-dependency.”
The heart of the problem?
Children begin to rely on external regulation—someone else will fix what is discomforting them—instead of internal regulation.
Eventually, these children step into a world that doesn’t bend to their discomfort:
When children haven’t repeatedly practiced riding and mastering emotional waves and the natural ups and downs of life, everyday challenges can and often do feel overwhelming.
When parents provide so much support that it interferes with the child’s ability to build coping strategies, it’s called emotional scaffolding gone too far. It’s not that the child lacks emotional intelligence—it’s that they’ve not been given enough opportunity and space to develop it.
Anxiety skyrockets not because children are weak, but because they’ve learned to believe some version of:
The most powerful thing parents can give their children isn’t a perfectly calm environment—it’s the lived experience of moving through discomfort with kind but firm support. That’s how emotional intelligence takes root.
Over-responsiveness by parents interferes with children building EQ skills because the parent sends messages that they can't handle their experiences.
Recommended reading: "What Is Resilience and Why Parents Need It!"
Gentle parenting often focuses so much on feelings that parents lose their ability to lead and miss powerful teaching moments. Also, this constant emotional monitoring can leave parents exhausted, frustrated, and stretched thin.
Many parents choose this style because they deeply value connection over control. They care about their child’s inner world and want to raise emotionally secure humans. But when the parent becomes the emotional anchor for every storm, this sincere intention can backfire, leaving both parent and child imbalanced.
I often hear these kinds of frustrations from parents in coaching sessions:
If that’s you, it’s not proof that you’re failing as a parent. It’s a sign that you may be carrying emotional work that isn’t actually yours to carry. One of the most critical skills children need is to learn that their feelings belong to them AND they are capable of handling them.
Further reading: “The Harsh Realm of ‘Gentle Parenting’”
Research on parenting styles consistently shows that children do best with high warmth and clear structure.
The common gentle parenting misstep is leaning too far into warmth, without enough clarity or follow-through. That can create a few predictable problems:
When “gentle” translates to endless negotiation, over-zealous attention, and propping kids emotional states continually, parents often end up depleted. It’s unsustainable to carry the emotional weight of the entire family dynamic on your own. What typically happens is the parent who cares “too much” swings to snapping at their child because they’ve reached their limit or the parents lack self-care.
To be too soft and then harsh can be even more stressful for children and parents alike.
Most kids thrive when they know what happens next, especially young children. To feel safe, they need clear boundaries.
If limits are too flexible or inconsistent, children often push back harder to figure out where the line is. Their behavior can look like defiance, but they're usually just searching for structure or limits to feel safe. Children are ill-equipped to design structure, make decisions to keep themselves safe, or handle parents' stress.
In short, Gentle Parenting fails when it’s too soft. Without a strong reminder to children that parents are capable of handling them and their big emotions, children's misbehavior increases.
Related reading: "How to Build High Self-Esteem in Your Children and Teens."
Emotional validation is powerful—it gives kids language and permission to feel. But understanding feelings isn’t the same as knowing how to handle them.
Self-regulation is a learned EQ skill. It requires:
Without structure, kids learn to rely on parents to remove their discomfort rather than learning to ride the wave themselves.
Research supports that when parenting combines emotional support with clear limits and healthy boundaries, children build stronger self-regulation skills, better frustration tolerance, and improved problem-solving.
For example:
A child who hits when frustrated needs empathy: “It looks like you’re really frustrated right now.” Then, add a firm boundary: “… and you may not hit.” Follow up with a brief conversation about other ways to express anger appropriately and giving self-calming activities, like a self-calming area.
Validation of feelings alone doesn’t teach self-control, coping strategies, or self-regulation.
The most effective parenting blends compassion with firmness. Kind and firm parenting means:
Example #1:
It's dinnertime and your 4-year-old son is building with blocks and objects to stopping his play.
Possible response:
“You love building with blocks, don’t you!? It’s frustrating to have your play interrupted. And it’s time for dinner.”
These examples and approach communicates to the child two critical things: your feelings are valid and the boundary stands. That’s how kids learn emotional regulation—through consistent follow-through and firm limits.
Even though they may not like stopping what they are doing, they need to understand that life doesn't always revolve around them. And they need to learn how to deal with frustration and shift gears when necessary.
To make gentle parenting work, we can’t just empathize with emotions; we also have to teach practical emotional intelligence skills.
Here are core EQ skills that build resilience and self-management:
When children can name their emotions, the intensity of those feelings decreases. Labeling gives their brains a handle on what’s happening.
Example: “I feel frustrated when my tower falls.”
Simple calming strategies: pausing, breathing slowly, squeezing a stress ball, or stepping away from the situation can teach children self-control.
For your child to be more successful in the heat of the moment: model, teach, and have your child practice these skills when calm.
Teach them to shift from “I can’t handle this” to “What can I do next?” or “What can I do to feel better?”
Over time, this practice builds emotional flexibility and loads multiple ways to manage strong emotions.
When emotions boil over, let your children know that it’s an opportunity to learn from their feelings. Teaching kids to apologize, redo, and try again builds accountability and resilience.
Kids don’t just need to express feelings; they need to feel safe in a world where adults can set limits. Boundaries are not the opposite of love; they are a component of love.
Gentle parenting comes from a place of deep caring. But love without limits and boundaries leaves children without the structure they need for healthy emotional development.
If you’ve felt like your gentle parenting “isn’t working,” perhaps, you’re missing the second half of the equation: firm, consistent boundaries that teach emotional regulation, not just acknowledgement of feelings.
When you pair compassion with strength, you stop walking on eggshells around your child’s emotions. You start teaching them how to handle life’s inevitable discomfort with confidence.
Learn how to set healthy boundaries and help your children build emotional intelligence skills.
Heartmanity can support you with resources, parent coaching, and practical tools to help your family thrive.