Do you ever find yourself minimizing your own experience? Have you kept your struggles to yourself, thinking they’re too small or petty to share? Or maybe you hear yourself saying, “My issues are luxury problems. I should be grateful, so many other people have it worse.”
Estimated reading time: 5 minutes
There are usually plenty of reasons to be grateful. Yet, if we don’t acknowledge what is true for us when we struggle and deny ourselves support, we miss out on so much!
We miss out on a friend’s comfort, our spouse’s support, our own acceptance of what is troubling us, and the ability to move through it and resolve what is disturbing our emotional calm.
Inner peace comes from accepting what is.
Comfort increases with understanding and empathy.
And fortitude is heightened by knowing we are not alone in life’s ups and downs.
Instead of feeling grateful, guilt can win out, making us feel bad, and often become upset by inconsequential challenges. When we dismiss what is true for us long enough, it becomes a demoralizing habit that can lead to apathy or indifference.
Gratitude and joy are reduced by repeated dismissal of our feelings and experiences.
This attitude lacks compassion, doesn’t it?
Another name for it is cruel positivity.
What happens when we try to stay positive but we feel lousy?
When our internal reality doesn't match our external expression, we create dis-ease in the body and mind; we lose a healthy body-mind connection.
Let’s explore the downside of being a bit cavalier with our own struggles and the psychological trap of comparing ourselves to others.
Cruel positivity is the cultural demand to maintain a cheerful facade even when circumstances are objectively difficult, painful, or harmful. It is a synthesis of toxic positivity and what cultural theorist Lauren Berlant called "cruel optimism." In this case, the problematic idea is that we must always be happy, no matter the cost.
Perhaps, your friends and family members have tossed you one of the many platitudes:
However, faking positivity is not only exhausting; it is psychologically damaging. When we deny our negative emotions, they do not simply disappear—they amplify. They fester, driving up our anxiety and deepening our sense of isolation.
Think about the last time you shared a genuine struggle with someone, only to be met with a dismissive, "Everything happens for a reason!" or "It could have been so much worse!"
How did that make you feel?
Likely, it made you feel unheard and invalidated, maybe, even worse.
Now, consider how often you do this to yourself.
How often do you invalidate your own emotional experience or your child’s?
Recently, I had a conversation with a parent who thought empathizing with their 3rd grader was futile because they would face the same (or similar) situation the next day. (This parent’s solution was to give her good reasons to stand tall and toughen up. And “be grateful” for the good life she had.)
What they overlooked is the power of feeling seen, heard, and validated.
When we don’t feel alone and are drenched in another person’s loving presence, this experience dissipates the emotional pain, diffuses its intensity, and calms the “I’m in it all alone” feeling that burdens us.
Empathy creates a profound experience—and is exactly what allows a child to “stand in their power” because they KNOW they are loved.
When we make ourselves or another wrong for feeling down or scared, or frustrated because “we should be grateful,” we deny ourselves compassionate empathy.
Internal invalidation is the crux of cruel positivity: denying our own emotional experience.
Related reading: “Why Being a People Pleaser Damages Relationships.”
One of the most insidious ways cruel positivity manifests is through the concept of comparative suffering.
When young, I’d sit at the dining room table for hours, refusing to eat fried liver. It made me gag. My mom was adamant that I should be grateful because thousands of children were starving in the world.
I retorted, “Feel free to ship it off to them.” I’d rather go without eating. (Not even our German Shepherd would eat it!) It didn’t matter that my body was telling me it wasn’t right for me. It didn’t matter that my body rejected it. Just eat it and be grateful.
If we deny our own experience, we divorce ourselves from our truth. When we shame our children to deny their own experience “to be grateful,” they learn to ignore their own feelings to caretake others.
Then what?
The mental gymnastics we perform to convince ourselves that our struggles are unworthy of attention because someone, somewhere, is enduring a greater hardship is cruel optimism.
Does this mean that we shouldn’t have compassion for others’ misfortunes or struggles?
Absolutely not!
The catch is that we can extend compassion to others only to the degree we give it to ourselves.
Comparative suffering may come from a well-meaning place. We want to acknowledge the hardships of others. We avoid selfishness instead of taking care of ourselves.
Yet, minimizing your feelings does not lessen anyone else's pain. It just invalidates your own.
Emotions are not a competition.
There is no gold medal for "worst hardship."
As Psychologist Dr. Lindsey Godwin notes, when you deny your feelings through comparative suffering, you are more likely to end up overwhelmed, resentful, or disconnected—which makes you far less capable of actually supporting the people you care about.
Processing and regulating your emotions is not selfish; it is essential to mental and emotional health.
When you make space for your feelings, you free up the emotional energy needed to genuinely show up for others.
Related reading: “I Don’t Know Who I Am If I’m Not Caring.”
The cost of cruel positivity is not just philosophical; it is deeply biological. When we suppress our emotions, our bodies register that suppression as a threat.
A comprehensive review published in PubMed highlights that emotional suppression can exacerbate stress-induced physiological arousal, leading to increased heart rate and elevated cortisol levels, the body's primary stress hormone. When you force a smile while your heart is breaking, your nervous system remains in a state of high alert. You are essentially stepping on the gas pedal and the brakes at the same time.
Furthermore, research published in the International Journal of Psychotherapy Practice and Research demonstrates that individuals who chronically repress their emotions suppress their body's immune system, making them more vulnerable to a variety of illnesses. The somatic impact of forced positivity—chronic tension, shallow breathing, unexplained fatigue—is your body's way of telling you that it knows you are faking it.
So, what is the alternative?
What are healthy ways to navigate bad news streaming nonstop and our own ups and downs?
How do we live authentically while not burning out?
We learn to cultivate a deeply healing alternative: mindful positivity.
You can continue down the path of emotional burnout, or you can choose a different way of interacting with life. Transforming a wounded, protected self with your authentic self brings renewal and inner peace.
This decision isn’t about learning a few new self-care tips. This transformation is a fundamental identity shift, a redefining of how you see yourself and the world.
You’ll move from a place of obsessive, unconscious caring to a place of conscious, intentional compassion. To make this shift, you must install a new operating system.
Mindful positivity is rooted in radical acceptance. It is the practice of observing your mental and emotional states without judgment (mindfulness) and then intentionally seeking constructive, compassionate paths forward (positivity).
While cruel positivity relies on invalidation, mindful positivity relies on validation and agency. We can understand and practice this shift through the “and” versus “but” framework.
Using the word "but" in a struggle or challenge: "I'm incredibly stressed right now, BUT I should be grateful for what I have.” This statement immediately invalidates our experience, our stress.
Mindful positivity replaces the word “but” with “and.” This simple, minor change holds space for the complexity of the human experience: "I'm incredibly stressed right now, AND I am capable of handling it." Or “Wow, this week was stressful AND I’m looking forward to my getaway with my husband.”
These kinds of statements validate the reality of our pain while simultaneously affirming our resilience.
Does it work?
The power of this simple linguistic shift is backed by profound neuroscience.
A landmark neuroimaging study conducted by Dr. Matthew Lieberman at UCLA found that the simple act of putting our feelings into words—a practice known as affect labeling—produces therapeutic effects in the brain.
When participants in the study labeled their negative emotions (e.g., “I feel angry” or “I feel sad”), functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) showed decreased activity in the amygdala, the brain's alarm center. Simultaneously, there was increased activity in the right ventrolateral prefrontal cortex, a region associated with processing emotions and inhibiting reactivity.
Bottomline?
Naming your pain does not make it worse; it actually calms your brain.
By acknowledging your reality, you engage the prefrontal cortex, soothing the amygdala and allowing for genuine, clear-headed problem-solving.
Making mindful positivity a daily habit is vital for holistic health. However, it requires us to unlearn years, even decades, of conditioning. Yet, the freedom and inner peace it brings make it worth the effort and consistency.
Here are three practical steps to help you make the transition.
Begin to notice when you use invalidating phrases like "I shouldn't feel this way," "It could be worse," or "Just look on the bright side."
Catch yourself when you engage in comparative suffering, such as "People lost their homes in the hurricane. I have no right to feel this way." When you notice these thoughts rising, gently pause. Remind yourself that your experience is valid, regardless of its scale or how it compares to others' hardships. Your experience is legitimate; don't downplay it!
Give yourself permission to feel whatever you feel. No matter whether you are angry, sad, disappointed, or exhausted, ALLOW. Don’t rush in to fix or stop the emotion.
Before reaching for that positive affirmation, take sixty seconds to simply notice how you feel. Label the emotion and then validate the feeling. For instance, say, "I am feeling overwhelmed right now, AND that makes sense given what I am dealing with."
Mindful positivity simply means to stop, observe, consider, and act.
Once you have centered yourself, feel your emotion fully, then validate yourself. Next, focus on what is within your control to shift.
Ask yourself, "What is one small, compassionate action I can take right now to support myself?"
Choose one action that honors your truth and the energy you have to act, rather than forcing a massive, inauthentic leap.
True resilience does not come from maintaining a permanent smile; it comes from developing emotional agility.
Resiliency gives you the profound relief of being real.
The next time life gets heavy, challenge yourself to practice mindful positivity. Acknowledge your truth, give yourself the empathy you deserve, and when you give, you’ll give from a free place of overflow and sincerity.
For customized support, contact Heartmanity. Learn to develop mindful positivity to surf the ups and downs of life's curveballs.