Are you triggered by seemingly little things? Do you think you're too emotional? Or are you unhappy or overwhelmed with life's demands, rarely having time for yourself? How's your self-care... nonexistent? Maybe you're tired of being overweight, and self-loathing clouds your joy and positive self-esteem. If you answered yes to even one of these questions, your internal boundaries may need flexing.
A powerful yet often overlooked EQ skill is setting internal boundaries for ourselves.
Estimated reading time: 5 minutes
Blog Contents:
What Are Internal Boundaries—and Why Are They Important to Our Well-Being?
How Values Define Our Boundaries
Internal Versus External Boundaries—What's the Difference?
The Connection Between Internal Boundaries and Emotional Intelligence
How to Raise Self-Awareness for Better Internal Boundaries
Identifying Your Internal Boundaries
Internal Boundaries in Action
Step-by-Step Process for Setting Internal Boundaries Effectively
Wrap-Up Thoughts
Frequently Asked Questions
When I was a young adult, I didn’t even know what internal boundaries were, let alone how to set them. I was too emotional; I procrastinated continually, was chronically late, rarely kept promises to myself, was a people-pleaser and self-care was nonexistent.
Incoming: internal boundaries changed my life!
Let's look at my former self and the internal boundaries set for the above challenges that transformed my life:
Too Emotional
Internal boundaries: I learned to resolve conflicted feelings, self-soothe and emotionally regulate.
Procrastination
Internal boundaries: I set realistic timelines and broke tasks down into bite-size pieces so projects weren't overwhelming, blocked off time in my schedule, and stopped agreeing to commitments that didn't align with my values.
Chronically late: I investigated the reasons WHY I was frequently late. To my surprise, most of the time, I was delayed by doing things that were completely unnecessary. So, I set an internal boundary for NOT taking on "one more thing" before leaving. Also, to ensure I could be on time, I left fifteen minutes earlier than I needed to.
Breaking promises to myself: I tracked what I promised to myself and examined what was realistic and what wasn't. Once I discovered how prevalent my broken promises to myself were (I kept all my promises to others—go figure!), I acted instead of entertaining mental chatter. By determining what truly mattered to me, I stopped making promises I didn't keep, which was a final blow to procrastination.
Overcommitted as a people-pleaser: This was a bit more difficult. I systematically dismantled people-pleasing and created equitable relationships. And I made self-care a high priority. If you want to break the people-pleasing habit, check out my e-book.
So, what are internal boundaries and why are they critical to our well-being?
Internal boundaries are promises or commitments we make to ourselves AND KEEP them!
They are a framework for taking responsibility to manage our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. Internal boundaries are rooted in our core values, morals, and personal identity.
Boundaries are our personal limits and guidelines for deciding how we interact with ourselves, others, and our lives.
One form of these boundaries is functional, such as resisting the urge to overeat or eat unhealthy food. Another example is making sure we are on time for a meeting or event.
A different type is an emotional boundary.
When we restrain ourselves from blowing up at our partner or co-worker, we set an internal emotional boundary. This emotional regulation enables us to understand, regulate, and express our feelings fluently yet appropriately. We decide what we will or won't tolerate from ourselves, such as refraining from gossip or emotionalism.
When we establish internal boundaries for our feelings, it enables us to pause and reflect before reacting to people and situations.
Internal boundaries are the self-regulator, the nonjudgmental observer that silences the inner critic with self-compassion and keeps our mindset positive.
Values are the unique principles we live by; they define what is important to us.
When we clearly define our values and enforce our internal boundaries to align with them, we create a structure that supports our mental and emotional well-being. Our authentic power and inner peace expand.
However, when we lack internal boundaries, we may find ourselves overwhelmed, stressed, resentful in relationships, and susceptible to burnout.
For instance, without healthy boundaries, we might overextend ourselves by saying "yes" too frequently, leading to exhaustion. Or we may overspend and create financial stress.
Internal boundaries help us prioritize our own needs and protect our time and emotional resources for what is most important to us. They enable us to take a step back and evaluate situations before reacting impulsively.
This self-regulation is essential for maintaining a work-life balance.
Internal Versus External Boundaries—What's the Difference?
You might be asking what’s the difference between internal and external boundaries.
Internal boundaries are limits we establish with ourselves. They involve self-care, such as setting limits on negative self-talk, managing emotional responses, and maintaining personal commitments like health routines and ethical standards. They can be as simple as saying no to that cookie jar wooing us closer.
External boundaries are the limits we set in our interactions with others. These include communicating our needs, setting standards for how others will treat us, and deciding how we spend our time and energy in relationships.
Setting external boundaries can include something like declining a phone call from a friend when you don’t want to talk or need to recharge.
Both types of boundaries are essential for personal well-being and healthy relationships.
Building self-awareness is a critical aspect of emotional intelligence (EQ), and setting internal boundaries plays a vital role in emotional and mental health.
Imagine you have a habit of overcommitting to tasks and feeling overwhelmed frequently. By recognizing this pattern and setting a boundary to limit your commitments, you become more attuned to your needs and limitations.
This self-awareness helps you manage your time and energy better, building a healthier balance in your life.
For instance, if a friend's comment upsets you, an internal boundary might involve taking a moment to process your feelings before responding.
Self-management not only helps you soothe and calm yourself but also allows you to respond more effectively. Therefore, self-mastery enhances our relationships and our ability to interact with others in a more thoughtful and composed manner.
One effective strategy to increase self-awareness is to engage in regular self-reflection. A self-reflection practice is a regular ritual of taking time each day (or week) to assess your feelings, behaviors, and experiences.
If internal boundaries are new to you, it is helpful to practice some introspection. By examining your inner landscape, you’ll discover insights that create greater clarity.
Questions to ask yourself:
Start by reflecting on your needs, values, and limits. Consider situations where you feel stressed, overwhelmed, or resentful, as these emotions often signal where boundaries are needed.
When we set internal limits, we can distinguish between “I don't feel like it” and having a legitimate need to rest. We can catch ourselves and choose to spend quality time with our family or exercise instead of binge-watching on Netflix.
Setting boundaries supports our temperament, too. For instance, if you have the temperament trait of high sensitivity, you may need more solitude or time in nature.
Additionally, by respecting our internal boundaries, we cultivate self-compassion and self-respect, which are essential for healthy interpersonal relationships.
Overall, internal boundaries empower us to live authentically and maintain our emotional and mental health.
The first step in exploring and getting better acquainted with your internal world is to understand your inner landscape. What is the quality of your inner world?
Your energy resource:
Your mental world:
Your emotional world:
Your behaviors:
When you can identify things that allow you to feel your best, better habits and choices are possible. And if you know what depletes your energy, lowers your self-esteem, compromises your values, and discourages you in daily life, you are armed with vital information to take better care of yourself.
Let's look at healthy internal boundaries in action. This overview will help you understand the application and consider how you interact with yourself and the world.
These deliberate responses allow us to maintain our personal integrity and reduce the likelihood of regret or emotional turmoil.
Below is a step-by-step process for learning how to set internal boundaries.
Once you have identified your needs, preferences, and limits, clearly define your internal boundaries. Be specific about what you will and will not tolerate from yourself and others.
For instance, decide on limits regarding your time, energy, and resources. A common one is getting eight to ten hours of sleep nightly. This health choice requires us to create habits that support this boundary, such as turning off the television earlier.
Write these boundaries down to make them more concrete and to remind yourself of your commitments. Clear definitions help you stay consistent and communicate your boundaries effectively when necessary.
Many people struggle with putting themselves first, so they might feel guilt, especially if they are accustomed to prioritizing other people’s needs over their own. Practice quelling feelings of guilt. Start by setting small boundaries in low-stakes situations, which can build your confidence over time.
For example, you have been working a lot lately and need time to recharge. Identify the need for rejuvenation and decide what will renew you. Then, commit to an activity that rejuvenates you on your off-time.
Put your boundaries into practice daily.
Start with small, manageable boundaries and gradually build up to more challenging ones.
Possible mini-boundaries:
While internal boundaries primarily focus on self-regulation, communicating them to others is crucial.
For example, if a friend consistently pressures you into activities you don’t enjoy, it’s essential to assert your boundaries politely but firmly. Find activities to do together that you both can enjoy.
Also, consider seeking support from trusted friends, family, or an emotional fitness coach. Discussing your boundaries and challenges with someone who respects and understands can provide valuable insights and encouragement. They can help you stay accountable and offer new perspectives.
Regularly review your boundaries to ensure they are still serving your needs and supporting your growth.
Life circumstances change, and so should your boundaries.
Reflect on any challenges or successes you’ve experienced and adjust your boundaries accordingly.
This ongoing process of reflection and intentional adjustment helps you to fine-tune your actions and continue to develop stronger internal boundaries.
Related reading: "Why Emotional Health Depends on the Vital Mind-Body Connection."
At the end of each day, take time to reflect on how well you adhered to your values, goals, and internal boundaries.
Consider what went well and where you may have struggled. This introspection isn't about self-criticism but rather learning to self-correct and grow every day.
Ask yourself questions like:
By regularly reflecting, you strengthen your ability to spot unnecessary compromises and enforce more effective boundaries, enhancing your emotional resilience and well-being.
Self-management through internal boundary setting is a key component of emotional intelligence. Boundaries—both internal and external—are key to our personal freedom. They empower us to navigate complex emotional and social situations confidently and respond to challenges in a healthy and constructive manner.
Do you want to go deeper? Get our mini-course on how to set healthy boundaries.
To set boundaries for yourself, start by increasing self-awareness to understand your needs, values, and comfort levels. Clearly define what you want to achieve with your boundaries, considering guidelines for how you wish to treat yourself and how you expect others to treat you.
Develop a positive internal dialogue that reinforces your self-worth and the importance of setting internal boundaries. Practice assertiveness by consistently upholding your boundaries, even when you have doubts or feel pressured by others.
Lastly, remain flexible and adaptable. Reassessing and adjusting your boundaries as your needs and circumstances change ensure they remain effective and relevant.
One example of setting internal boundaries is knowing and honoring your limits. Recognize your limits (physically, mentally, and emotionally) and make decisions based on what you can realistically handle—no pushing through to burnout!
For instance, you might be invited to join a podcast as a guest—an exciting opportunity! However, you also know that your upcoming schedule is already too hectic and will be stressful so you ask if another date might be possible.
Or you go to the gym with a friend who works out with weights regularly; knowing you haven't, you don't try to keep up and do the same workout. You consider what would be a healthy stretch for you but keep you safe from injury.
Another example of acting on your internal boundaries is to reflect on your day to fine-tune your responses, decisions, and behaviors in the future. This one practice can transform the quality of your life!
Contact Heartmanity for customized support for growth and transformation.
Want to go deeper? Try this online course, which will help you develop greater self-awareness and emotional intelligence through exercises and new skills.