Eggshell parenting. The very name causes hesitation.
Growing up in a home with fragile or unpredictable parents creates enormous insecurity. As a young adult raised in this kind of household, you doubt yourself—your actions, your abilities, and even your self-worth—sometimes, it might feel like you question your every move.
Estimated reading time: 4 minutes
I survived eggshell parents. One minute, my parents were nowhere to be found; the next, exploding over the smallest thing, like leaving a cup on the kitchen counter. I was completely on my own to meet my most basic needs, yet held responsible for my mom's unhappiness—always on guard for the surprising U-turns of both my parents' volatile moods.
The good news?
The experiences gave me an amazing awareness of my environment and those around me. The key is to convert this strength to work for you, not against you.
If you grew up "walking on eggshells," understanding the dynamics of eggshell parenting and how it has shaped you and your view of relationships and the world is critical. And if you're an earnest parent concerned you may be creating this kind of environment for your children, you'll be able to learn a better way.
What a beautiful beginning toward building a life filled with emotional intelligence, self-compassion, and resilience lies ahead of you!
So, what is eggshell parenting?
This parenting style is characterized by emotional volatility or fragility—or both, like in my childhood. Inconsistent boundaries and double messages provide a constant diet of contradictions for children.
These parents often swing unpredictably between warmth and hostility, leaving their children walking on eggshells. One moment, parents are responsive; the next, they are unable to handle the emotions or needs of their child.
The parents may be disengaged and checked out, leaving even young children completely on their own. However, when they decide to engage—sporadic at best—the parents frequently overreact.
Let me give you a personal example.
My brothers and I rarely showed our parents our report cards from school; we usually signed them ourselves before returning them to teachers. We continued this ruse for a long time since my parents never attended parent-teacher conferences.
But once, my dad found a report card for one of us. He was outraged with a low grade and spanked us all. (Keep in mind that we spent most nights in bar parking lots trying to scribble our assignments with a flashlight.)
Eggshell parents are often unaware, yet when they discover something they dislike, they react with no rhyme or reason. This inconsistency not only creates confusion but also impedes the child's ability to develop a secure sense of self.
The capricious nature of parental responses in such households creates insecure feelings and subsequent beliefs as adults where we continually second-guess ourselves, our worth, and our abilities.
If you want to understand healthy emotional development in children, check out "Ways to Build Healthy Emotional Development in Children."
Sometimes, it's helpful to have examples of specific parental behaviors to illustrate a concept. I gave you one of mine; here are 7 more concrete examples of possible eggshell parenting behaviors:
These examples illustrate the unpredictable, emotionally infantile, and often hurtful behaviors that characterize eggshell parenting.
What do all these examples and messages have in common?
Love and being loved depend on the child's behavior and can be taken away at any moment.
Such actions create an environment where children feel they must constantly monitor and adjust their behavior to avoid triggering their parent's negative reactions. It's exhausting!
And when you become an adult, you're STILL adjusting, but now it's for EVERYONE! Many become people-pleasers.
Related reading: "7 Symptoms of Emotionally Immature Parents and Practical Advice for Their Grown Children."
Children of emotionally immature parents often carry the weight of unresolved anger, loneliness, and a deep-seated feeling of invisibility into adulthood. These emotional wounds can manifest in various ways, from difficulties in trusting others and an inability to form healthy relationships to struggles with self-care and an inability to set boundaries.
Healing from the effects of eggshell parenting requires courage with a commitment to self-discovery and greater emotional literacy.
It starts with acknowledging your pain and recognizing the limiting patterns stemming from your upbringing.
Begin by understanding that your experience is valid.
No matter how well-meaning your parents might have been, it does not invalidate the pain you have experienced.
We can understand that our parents are human and did their best. They might have a truckload of their own pain; this understanding should not diminish the legitimacy of our own pain.
(And if you're a parent who tends toward the eggshell parenting style, the emotional intelligence skills will be helpful for you, too.)
A part of rewiring your brain and achieving a renewed sense of well-being requires focused attention and consistent application and practice of simple EQ skills.
Below are some practical ways to integrate pain and repattern old mental and emotional patterns with new ones.
Self-compassion is about treating yourself with the same kindness, concern, and support you would offer a good friend (or your child if you're a parent). It's a great way to ensure an objective way of seeing the distorted mental and emotional contortions that we put ourselves through.
Seeing the contrast between how you treat yourself and the love you extend to others will help you accept yourself a little more.
Having compassion for ourselves entails recognizing that struggles and personal shortcomings are a natural part of the shared human experience. They DO NOT define your worth.
For those who have grown up with emotionally immature parents, practicing self-compassion can be a powerful antidote to the internalized message that you are not enough.
Acknowledge your pain and allow yourself to grieve the childhood you deserved but didn't have. Yet, don't get stuck there. Recognize that healing IS possible but takes time.
Sometimes, journaling practice can be a valuable tool in healing. And if you really want to dig in, this emotional intelligence online course will lead you through understanding your emotions better.
Learning to set healthy boundaries is a critical aspect of self-care and emotional maturity. There are crucial reasons why we need boundaries for our wholeness as well as our autonomy and individuality. They also enable us to have healthier relationships.
Easier said than done, right?
Knowing and communicating your needs and limits firmly and respectfully, without apology, takes practice.
When I was in my 20s, people frequently told me, "Just say no" or "For heaven's sake, set a boundary!" But to me, the potential conflict and saying no felt like a foreign language. It's why I wrote a mini-course on boundaries to help others learn from my struggle and subsequent mastery.
For adult children of eggshell parenting, setting boundaries can be particularly challenging and even feel threatening. Confrontation or rejection feel unsafe, and boundaries feel uncaring. As a child, everything revolved around parents, so to put ourselves first often feels wrong with accompanying guilt.
When I first started setting boundaries in my life, I felt mean and uncaring. It wasn't until years later that I realized that setting healthy boundaries is one of the most unselfish actions there is!
Boundaries are not about creating barriers or pushing people away; they're about creating a safe space for yourself, a space where mutual respect and understanding can flourish in relationships.
Be gentle on yourself as you flex these muscles initially.
Something that helped me is asking repeatedly, "What can I do to be loving to everyone in this situation?" AND be sure and include yourself!
Related reading: "Emotional Intelligence Is Rooted in Healthy Boundaries."
Emotional intelligence—the capacity to be aware of, control, and express one's emotions and to handle interpersonal relationships respectfully and empathetically—is a skill set that can be developed over time.
If you're healing from the impacts of eggshell parenting or a parent striving to be more emotionally intelligent, building EQ skills can offer a valuable roadmap to understanding and managing your emotions, leading to greater resilience, healthier relationships, and a deeper sense of self-worth.
Check out our online emotional intelligence course to learn new skills that will help your emotional well-being.
Creating a happy relationship, first with yourself and then with others, requires courage and fortitude. It involves understanding that your parents' limitations are theirs, not yours. Their lack of skill or unresolved issues is not a reflection of your worth or lovability.
Recognize that you cannot change your parents or how you were raised. You can change yourself and grow to live your best life.
Healing from the impact of insecure parenting is like climbing a mountain. The more you heal, the more clearly you can see, just as we can see much farther the higher we climb a mountain. Learning emotional intelligence skills will assist you tremendously on your climb up the mountain of selfhood and healing.
You deserve to build a life not defined by past pain but by your strengths, goodness, and uniqueness. I hope you discover the beauty of your true self—the path upward is worth the effort!
Are you ready to take your healing and skill-building to the next level? Heartmanity offers customized coaching programs for transformation and emotional fitness.
Reach out when you're ready!
Transforming lives IS our business.