People-pleasers often secretly view their congeniality, kind nature, and generosity as a badge of honor. However, relationships where both partners share these traits can be problematic.
While every relationship has its unique challenges, being in a relationship with two people-pleasers can feel a bit like Bill Murray felt in Groundhog Day. Life feels surprisingly familiar and unsettling, but there's a ton of guesswork.
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With this relationship dynamic, sometimes neither partner gets their needs met. A desire to make each other happy in a relationship without advocating for ourselves can create an emotional imbalance with growing resentment and misunderstanding.
In such relationships, the partners struggle to voice their true desires or to set healthy boundaries, fearing conflict or rejection. Understanding the dynamic is the first step towards creating a healthier, more fulfilling relationship.
It's important to acknowledge the downside of pleasing. If we're unaware of the cost of two people playing the pleasing tango, it is more difficult to disrupt the pattern.
Below are common disadvantages and costs of two pleasers in a relationship.
Two people-pleasers often struggle to express their true feelings and needs, leading to a relationship where both partners constantly tip-toe around each other to avoid conflict. This inability to be forthright creates an environment of inauthentic communication where neither person feels safe sharing their genuine thoughts.
Therefore, neither one has a clear understanding of their partner. The guesswork and the prevalent attempt to please our partner more than themselves often lead to inauthentic communication, where both partners feel unseen and unheard.
The most profound challenge is the emotional toll. By prioritizing others' happiness over their own, two people-pleasers risk creating an exhausting relationship that is ultimately unfulfilling.
The emotional toll of people-pleasing can be significant. Over time, continuously prioritizing our partner's happiness above our own can lead to feelings of resentment, exhaustion, and even loss of self-identity.
When both partners are people-pleasers, these emotional costs can multiply. Each partner may feel a deep-seated obligation to meet the other's needs, often at the expense of their own well-being.
This cycle erodes the foundation of the relationship, as both partners may begin to feel that their sacrifices go unnoticed or unappreciated. The more they give up themselves, the more resentment forms. Or one person may go into overdrive to prove they are more giving and accepting.
Recognizing these emotional costs is crucial for both partners to understand the importance of self-care and self-expression in maintaining a healthy relationship.
Related reading: "Why Being a People Pleaser Damages Relationships—and What to Do About It!"
Another obstacle to this kind of relationship dynamic is the inability to arrive at decisions at all. There is a lot of talking but typically no action.
Both people can live in fear of disappointing or upsetting their partner, so they will discuss decisions repeatedly together but try to please each other so decisions, particularly big decisions, come to a stalemate.
Let's take a small decision like eating out for dinner. You ask your partner where they'd like to eat. Instead of telling you their preference, they ask you, "Where do you want to eat?" And then when you do decide, you find out later that they didn't want that particular cruisine and disliked the restaurant atmosphere or felt you should have cooked at home to save money.
Clearly, a no-win scenario.
And because people pleasers seek to avoid discomfort and conflict, they tend to procrastinate and postpone rather than upset their partner or anyone else. So the partner mentioned above who found out too late to consider a different restaurant will most likely hold onto their resentment once they find out instead of asking for something different in the future. Crazymaking, right!?
People-pleasers have difficulty setting and maintaining healthy boundaries. In a relationship between two pleasers, this means both individuals may:
With a lack of boundaries, there is sometimes an enmeshment in the relationship that further blurs the lines of healthy autonomy.
One of the most costly outcomes of too much pleasing in a relationship is the increasing obscuring of personal identity and individuality. The more we give up ourselves, the less we know what we like and desire. We forget (at least temporarily) things we used to love doing, such as a hobby like playing the piano or yoga.
We're so busy pleasing our partner that there is no time for our own needs. Our will gets replaced with the pleasure and ease of our partner rather than our own values, needs, and goals guiding us.
The constant focus on pleasing each other can lead to:
As you can see, two pleasers in a relationship is a challenge. Instead of the "battle of wills," there is a laying down of arms to keep the peace, but it's a false peace since neither one of them is living by their inner truth.
Related reading: "People-Pleasing Compliance: a Felony Against Self."
Two people-pleasers may inadvertently create a dynamic where both are so embroiled in pleasing that neither one is getting their needs met. Or one decides to take advantage of their partner's goodwill.
When we do not voice our needs and advocate for ourselves, we become easy targets for additional responsibilities.
For instance, one of the partners might be great at finances, so they take the bulk of all the banking, bill paying, investing, budgeting, and bookkeeping. Pretty soon, their partner depends completely on them. Instead of helping (or building skills to help), they may spend inordinately because they are out of touch with their finances, which their wife or husband resents.
This kind of relationship creates dependency and lacks genuine reciprocity and equity. There is an inherent imbalance.
The key to navigating this people-pleaser dynamic is developing self-awareness, learning to support each other in changing and practicing honest communication about individual feelings, needs, challenges, and desires.
Below we go into more depth for each of these actions.
One of the most critical things for people-pleasers is to acknowledge their people-pleasing tendencies in themselves and their partner. By catching yourself, you then have an opportunity to do it differently.
Self-awareness is a powerful tool for people-pleasers, enabling them to recognize their patterns and triggers. By understanding certain tendencies, both partners can take steps towards healthier interactions.
Practicing self-care is an integral part of well-being. When we're people-pleasers, self-care is often the first thing that goes. We're so preoccupied with caring for others that we forget about our own needs.
For me, beginning to take care of myself felt frightening, especially when my needs conflicted with my husband's. Then, we both realized how much more energy and love I had to give when I cared for myself—even if it meant he had to take care of our three children for a few hours.
Self-care allows each partner to replenish their energy and focus on their own needs. It can take many forms, from engaging in physical activities like journaling, yoga, skiing, or hiking. You might even start reserving time for hobbies that bring joy and relaxation, such as painting or hunting.
By prioritizing self-care, both partners can enhance their emotional resilience and well-being, allowing them to show up more authentically in the relationship. Building the self-care muscle and actively supporting each other in this endeavor will be vital.
Communication is one of the more challenging things for people-pleasers.
Why?
Because every interaction is a potential conflict they actively avoid. Their fear of conflict and rejection fuels inauthentic exchanges.
Therefore, the couple MUST create enormous safety for each other to share openly and honestly. At first, it might seem scary, but the more we receive acceptance and the more we practice empathy, even our most shameful thoughts can be transformed with compassion. It is incredibly healing for a person—especially a people-pleaser—to be seen, heard, AND accepted.
Encourage your partner to share their real self even if it is uncomfortable. Ask open-ended questions. Inviting more honest sharing can facilitate meaningful exchanges, allowing both partners to connect on a deeper level.
Remember to suspend judgment.
Respond with loving responses such as "Tell me more why that was difficult for you." or "I'm wondering if that's what you REALLY want or you think that's I want ."
Another strategy is to set aside regular times to discuss each other's feelings and experiences. This dedicated time can help partners check in with one another more frequently and address any issues before they become problems.
Practice "busting" each other when you sense your partner is not being forthright or they're holding back the whole truth. Just be sure to do it with immense gentleness and kindness.
And when your partner does share what they want, let them know how happy you are to support them. When they set a boundary (no matter how meager), commend them and encourage them to advocate for themselves.
When I was first married, my husband tended to give himself up to accomplish things that could have waited. I would get curious about what was right for him and encourage him to care for himself instead. Saying no when something wasn't right for him was a part of that learning curve.
If you give yourself up in the relationship, you are also giving up the opportunity for the relationship to truly thrive.
Remember that the people-pleaser habit didn't form overnight, nor will it disappear instantly. Changes require courage, focus, consistency, and making behavioral choices that support the change we want.
For both partners, this process means learning to appreciate themselves as individuals, being deliberate, and recognizing the importance of meeting their own needs and desires.
Just a heads up!
These new changes might feel selfish because they go against your conditioned patterns and the way you're accustomed to interacting.
Yes, relationships where both partners are people-pleasers can present unique challenges, but they also offer opportunities for profound growth and connection.
Utilize your kindness and generosity by turning it in toward yourself and your relationship. By nurturing self-respect, both partners can engage with each other from a new place of fullness rather than lack.
By developing self-awareness, supporting each other to prioritize self-care, and nurturing open communication, you can create a healthier relationship with greater connection and love, which is deeply rewarding.
If you want some worksheets to reinforce a new way of thinking and acting, get my e-book on people-pleasing to reinforce your desired changes.