Kindness is simple yet impactful. It doesn't require much effort but can have a profound impact on our lives. However, many of us have been raised to believe that being kind means saying "yes" to others, even at the expense of our own needs. The common saying, "It is more blessed to give than receive," reinforces this idea.
But what is true kindness? Generally, we don't distinguish between genuine kindness and people-pleasing. Yet, there is a significant difference.
Estimated reading: 5 minutes
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Table of Contents - Jump to what interests you!
What Is Genuine Kindness?
Kindness to Others
Kindness to Ourselves
A Chart Comparing Self-Kindness versus Unkindness
The Neuroscience of Kindness
The Feel Good Chemicals
Neural Connectivity of Kindness
The Ripples of Kindness: a Personal Experience
Daily Practices to Promote Kindness for Self and Others
1) The Kindness Commitment
2) Self-Compassion Practice
3) A Gear Shift for Greater Kindness
Everyday Examples of Positive Reframing
Step-by-Step Guide to Reframe to Positivity and Kindness
Closing Thoughts
For kindness to be felt in a meaningful way, it must come from a place of authenticity. When we give from a place of people-pleasing, we are often not being kind to ourselves and hold others hostage by indebtedness.
If an action is unkind to ourselves, is it kind to others?
I think that self-kindness is at the heart of being kind.
BE-ing KIND.
It's a state of being within ourselves that is kind-hearted, gentle, and hospitable that overflows to others—it's a natural part of our humanity.
However, inner kindness that flows naturally to others is often devoured by unhealed trauma, pain, unprocessed emotions, or simply a lack of self-care. When we don't care for ourselves adequately, our needs are now competing with others' needs.
Let's take a look at the roots of kindness as a starting place for a greater understanding of this concept.
The word "kindness" has its roots in Old English, derived from the word "cynd" or "gecynd," meaning nature or innate character. [BEING] It's closely related to the word "kin," highlighting the idea that kindness often stems from a sense of connection or familial bond with others. (The scientific studies outlined below deepen the relevance of these origins.)
Over time, the meaning evolved to encompass a broader sense of benevolence and goodwill towards all people, not just one's own family or tribe. This evolution of etymology reflects how the concept of kindness has expanded into a universal value that transcends cultural and social boundaries.
Today, kindness is recognized as a powerful force for positive change, capable of creating ripples that can transform individuals and communities alike.
When considered in social interactions, kindness involves being friendly, generous, and thoughtful towards others, often without expecting anything in return. Its positive energy nurtures open-heartedness and connection between people.
So, we could say that one definition of genuine kindness is a real connection with self and others.
Various forms of kindness to others range from tiny to BIG. Here are some examples below:
A kind act can be as simple as a 10-second text giving genuine congratulations on a friend's success or a huge, dedicated act of service such as helping hurricane victims.
Kindness is cut from the same cloth as love.
It is not merely about being nice; it involves different kinds of empathy, understanding, and a genuine desire to improve the well-being of others.
When we are kind, it starts a ripple effect! Kindness is a contagion.
Related reading: "Launch Yourself into an Amazing Life with Emotional Fitness."
Think of a recent time you were really out of sorts, snapping at your spouse or children or wanted to lash out in anger.
Now, examine your self-care during the same period.
Were you short on sleep? Perhaps you skipped lunch, working all day without a break. Did you volunteer but really didn't want to; you just didn't know how to say no? Or maybe it's been two weeks since you went to the gym or got in a run that makes all the difference for you.
Grouchy and unkind = lack of self-care.
We are kinder to others when we are kind to ourselves.
I dare you to test the theory!
If you've always lived with self-loathing or an inner critic, you may not know what it looks like to be kind to yourself. Kindness to self looks a lot like kindness to others; however, we can be the last to receive our own kindness and love.
Below is a chart illustrating the differences.
As you'll see, our quality of life goes down when we lack self-kindness.
| Self-Kindness | Lacking Self-Kindness |
| Inner dialogue is encouraging and compassionate. | Inner self-talk is harsh, critical, and fearful. |
| Care of self is regular and personalized to your needs and preferences. | Self-care is nonexistent or inconsistent; others' needs are more important. |
| Life-work balance has a nice flow between pleasure, self-care, and hobbies mixed with service, work, and a healthy social life. Special attention is given to the most important relationships. | There is no work-life balance; it feels like everything falls on you. Overwhelm, anxiety, exhaustion, and resentment are common companions. |
| Goals are thoughtfully identified, and time is allotted to fulfill them. | Goals are unclear or buried under the needs of others or postponed for "someday." |
| Time and resources are reserved for nurturance, staycations, and vacations. | Rarely are vacations taken, and when they are, they are typically family obligations. |
| Finances reflect your values; there is a healthy balance between expenses and savings, fun and security. | Finances are stressful; living paycheck to paycheck is common. Overspending compensates for a lack of purpose or happiness. |
| Personal needs and current obligations are reliably considered before committing to other people's requests. | Over-giving is typical; personal needs and desires are rarely considered. People-pleasing is the primary objective. |
| Work is fueled by passion, and self-care is not compromised. | Workaholic, who me? "Push and prove" is the motto. |
Self-care is foundational to a healthy life, but self-care and kindness are unique for each person. What is nurturing to one person may not feel nurturing to someone else.
A crackling fire in winter with a good book in hand is one of my favorites, but I also like the solitude of cross-country skiing. For another, downhill skiing is a daily winter activity.
Regardless of how you choose to be kind to yourself, self-kindness is at the heart of true giving and kindness to others.
One of the things I've acquired over the years is a profound appreciation of EQ skills that are backed by science. And the neuroscience of kindness reveals fascinating insights into how acts of compassion and generosity affect our brains and overall well-being.
Studies show that kindness has profound effects on both the giver and receiver, with significant implications for mental health, social connections, and even physical health.
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It's fascinating to note that studies show that ALL acts of kindness increase well-being. Regardless of whether there are strong ties or weak ties, if the kindness is toward self, or we're simply observing acts of kindness of someone else—ALL have equally positive effects on happiness. |
When we engage in acts of true kindness, something amazing happens in our brains. Kindness releases several neurochemicals associated with positive emotions and well-being.
These chemicals are nature's way of rewarding us for being kind, and they play a big role in our overall happiness and well-being. Below is a short list.
Often called the "love hormone," oxytocin is released during meaningful connection and acts of kindness, promoting feelings of bonding and trust. It has been shown to reduce stress and have a positive effect on social relationships.
This neurotransmitter plays a crucial role in mood regulation and boosts feelings of serenity, happiness, and contentment. Kindness stimulates serotonin production, which can assist in well-being and also help lessen symptoms of depression and anxiety.
Dopamine has been coined as the pathway to pleasure. It is a neural transmitter used by the brain's reward center to increase gratification.
And guess what?
Dopamine is activated and released by acts of kindness, creating a "helper's high." Meditation also has been found to cause enhanced levels of dopamine.
When kind behavior is reinforced by dopamine, it can lead to a positive feedback loop of generosity—a kindness habit!
Endorphins are nature's painkillers and your body's pain management cabinet. They support us in handling stress more efficiently and assist us in dealing with painful experiences both physically and emotionally.
Endorphins are released during acts of kindness and contribute to feelings of pleasure and well-being.
Research has shown that engaging in acts of kindness can form new neural connections by activating multiple parts of the brain. Just like ripples in a lake from a stone thrown in, kindness acts in the same way, creating a positive effect. This potential of the brain to mold new neural pathways is called neuroplasticity.
Several studies have demonstrated the powerful effects of kindness on mental health and social behavior.
A study from the University of Ohio found that people with elevated symptoms of depression or anxiety who engaged in acts of kindness showed reductions in these symptoms compared to other interventions.
Further research from Emory University revealed that when a person performs an act of kindness, their brain's pleasure and reward centers light up as if they were the recipient of the good deed. See the video below:
A study published in the Journal of Integrative Psychological and Behavioral Science found that people who regularly practice kindness have 23% less cortisol (the stress hormone) and age slower than the average population.
The research also shows that highly anxious individuals who performed at least six acts of kindness a week experienced significant increases in positive moods and relationship satisfaction, along with a decrease in social avoidance.
So if there's so much evidence supporting the positive effects of kindness, shouldn't we develop a daily practice?
Here's the tricky part: We don't always "feel" like it. Or to put it another way, our mood works against the desire to assert kindness.
And this is where SELF-kindness comes in.
The extent to which we are kind to ourselves IS most often the extent to which we will exert our kindness muscles.
However, as you've seen above in the studies, depressed people will feel better IF they require themselves to help others. And most depressed people are not taking care of themselves either. The very act of self-care lessens depression.
I was on the receiving end of kindness recently. My son transferred firewood from the side of the house to our garage for easy access. Nothing fills me with greater comfort than stacked wood for the winter.
He knows just how much I LOVE a warm fire in the winter, so he made a point to get it done before the cold weather hit. His actions will bring pleasure for us all winter long.
His deliberate kindness was the stone producing the many ripples. Doing the task helped my son feel good while creating ease and comfort for us. And on that particular day, my son's daughters got a chance to play in our playroom while our son stacked wood.
Sometimes, my kindness muscles like to get creative. So, I designed an Under the Sea playroom (see a picture below 😍) for my granddaughters. It filled me with joy for them to enjoy it and freed my son up to get the job done!
Ripples all around!
Here are some ways to nurture the kindness habit!
Pick one and focus on it until it becomes automatic, then on to the next one.
It's beneficial to learn about something, but unless we APPLY the knowledge, it doesn't move from the head to the heart. Act on what you learn!
Make a commitment to yourself—whether you feel like it or not—to do one random act of kindness daily.
It can be self-care for yourself, a little surprise for your children or grandchildren, a sweet note to a friend or volunteering at a soup kitchen.
By putting your attention on this practice, your brain will automatically spot opportunities to be kind that you previously may have missed.
This practice, when done regularly, will transform your life and the lives of those around you.
So many opportunities for a little kindness.
The key with the brain is: whatever we do regularly becomes a habit. What if you developed a KINDNESS HABIT!?
We've been tricked to believe that the only way to motivate ourselves is through pushing, whipping, and critical inner banter.
Not true!
The National Library of Medicine has this to say:
Self-talk with positive contents can help with promoting positive psychological states and regulating cognitions, whereas self-talk with negative contents is associated with emotional ill-being.
Energy, drive and productivity have been found to be increased through encouragement. Constructive criticism with the right intent can entice focus and motivate us, but not berating ourselves or picking apart every little imperfection.
Start by training your mind to be positive and encouraging. Only allow for positive self-talk and caring dialogue. This small but powerful practice (not easy even though it's simple) can help reduce stress and improve your overall well-being.
And yep... there's science to back self-compassion, too! After all, it's a form of kindness. 💗
According to Stanford Medicine:
Scientific data shows that self-criticism makes us weaker in the face of failure, more emotional, and less likely to assimilate lessons from our failures.
Studies are finding that there is a far better alternative to self-criticism: self-compassion.
And if you're a people-pleaser, practicing compassion for yourself will wear off on others, and you'll feel MORE like helping and giving—promise!
There's a tool known in psychology called cognitive reappraisal.
Sound too intellectual or formal?
If you’re looking for how to be kinder, you probably just want something that works, right?
No worries, this coping strategy works!
However, to simplify, I like to refer to the term "cognitive reappraisal" as positive reframing.
Sounds a little more approachable.
This technique simply means that you consciously choose to look at and interpret situations in new and different ways.
Simple, right?
We tend to look at life through the lens of all prior experience, which is sometimes negative or limiting and often presupposes a conclusion that isn’t helpful.
When we do, our thinking can exclude kindness (or inhibit the desire to be kind) simply by how we have framed the situation.
Let's break down this skill into simple, everyday examples. Think of it as changing the story you tell yourself about a situation.
Here are some real-life scenarios and examples of how you could reframe them:
1. You’re stuck in traffic:Possible negative thought: "This is so frustrating! I'm going to be late for work, so it’s going to put me behind all day. Ugh!"
Positive Reframe: "Good thing it’s rare for me to be late; it will hardly be noticed. This gives me some unexpected time to listen to my favorite podcast (or call a friend I've been meaning to catch up with)."
2. You just finished arguing with your partner:
Possible negative thought: "We always fight—I'm SO over it! This relationship is doomed."
Positive Reframe: "This disagreement is a chance for us to understand each other better and grow as a couple. Let me look at things from my partner’s perspective before we talk again."
3. You didn't get the job you applied for:
Possible negative thought: "I'll never get a good job. What a failure!"
Positive Reframe: "This wasn't the right fit, but I gained interview experience. I'll use it to improve for my next opportunity."
4. You make a doozy of a mistake at work:Possible negative thought: "I can’t believe I’m so stupid! I'm incompetent and probably going to get fired."
Positive Reframes: "Everyone makes mistakes. I’m going to look at this error as an opportunity to learn and improve my skills."
or "I need to look at my project timelines to see if they give me enough time to do my best work."
Possible negative thought: "My whole weekend is ruined. I hate this weather."
Positive Reframe: "What a perfect time to enjoy some cozy indoor activities I've been putting off. We can reschedule for next week."
Below is a how-to, step-by-step guide for practicing cognitive reappraisal (or reframing). Follow this simple guide until it becomes second nature.
Let it become a SELF-KINDNESS HABIT.
When you feel upset, pause. Acknowledge your emotions and notice your thoughts. What are you saying to yourself? Ask: "What story am I telling myself about this situation?"
"Am I jumping to conclusions?" or "Are my thoughts true?" or "Are they encouraging or discouraging?"
Ask yourself, "Is there another way to look at this?" or "What are five different ways of viewing this experience?" or "What would I tell a friend in this situation?"
Pick a thought that makes you feel better while still being realistic.
Remember, the goal isn't to be overly optimistic or ignore real problems. You're looking for helpful ways of thinking that allow you to respond with resilience to life's challenges.
To be effective, you'll need to find a balance between self-compassion and holding yourself accountable to be better.
Start small, be patient with yourself, and over time, you'll find that the above EQ skills will become more natural.
By intentionally adding these practices into our lives, you can tap into the neurological benefits of kindness, improving not only your own well-being but also contributing to a more compassionate world.
The research clearly shows that kindness is not just a feel-good concept but a powerful tool for enhancing mental health, social connections, and overall quality of life.
Flex the muscles of self-kindness and kindness to others and these practices will transform your life!
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