You’re in a grocery store and your 5-year-old wants a candy bar at the checkout stand. You calmly but firmly say no. Before you can turn back to the checkout clerk, your child is on the floor kicking and screaming!
What do you do?
Estimated reading time: 4 minutes
Of course, many parents in this situation are mortified, and the child knows it. “If he would just control himself!” you think. But the child has you in the grips of emotional tyranny. He's not at all interested in learning self-control or saving you a possible embarrassment.
However, the child does know there’s a chance that his ploy might actually work. Besides, the child’s being out of control may be upsetting you, and if so, the child feels powerful. He definitely has your attention!
Every parent would most likely tell you that they want well-behaved children, especially when it matters most. So, how do we teach children to control themselves while also encouraging them to be engaged and have fun.
How to Teach a Child Self-Control
Most parents don't realize that dozens times a day, they train impulse control out of their children. Self-control (as many adults can attest to) is a difficult skill that requires practice and patience.
Let's look at different ways that a parent can handle the above scenario and what the child learns from each parental response.
Yep, you could give in and buy the candy bar to quiet your child. But if you do, the child learns to “misbehave” in order to get his needs or desires met. This then is the beginning of a possible learned or conditioned behavior.
A second flaw to this parenting approach is that you are training instant gratification into your child. To control oneself, a child needs to be able to calm themselves, deal with disappointment, delay gratification, and quell frustration. Is he learning these by buying a candy bar and rewarding the tantrum?
An emphatic no!
Of course, you might decide instead to rely on some form of coercion to control your child: “You stop that right now or there will be no TV for a week!"
You might try bribes, threats, punishment, humiliation, rewards, guilt… you get the idea. But when we move to control our children and teens (“Do that one more time and you’re grounded!”), they don’t learn to control themselves.
When we seek to control a child's behavior, the message is that we're responsible for how they feel and act, not them.
This third option is a lifetime gift to you and your child.
Providing opportunities for your child to build the muscles of emotional regulation and self-control is imperative for their emotional and mental well-being. But you're probably asking, "How do I teach self-control to my child in this situation?"
You go over to your child, get down at their level, and let them know that you won't be buying a candy bar. Then tell them to join you when they're done.
With a neural, loving and firm response, you not only have let them know that that their tantrum or "misbehavior" will not work, but also that they can't upset you or hook you through a public display. As Dr. Rudolph Dreikurs has said, "You take the wind out of their sail."
When we react negatively, they've hooked us.
When we give in, they've hooked us.
However, when we can stay calm and respond lovingly and firmly consistently, it's like giving children super powers.
In the well-known marshmallow test by Stanford Professor Walter Mischel, children who delayed gratification were more successful in academics and life years later.
But without the experience and practice, how will children learn impulse control?
We don’t expect young children to tie their shoes on their own without instruction.
We don't expect children to learn their ABCs without instruction.
We don't expect children to learn addition and subtraction without instruction..
So, why do we expect children to self-control without teaching them how!? As parents, we often expect children to have impulse control without giving them the raw materials to build it.
What few parents realize is that self-control develops over thousands of interactions with parents and caregivers, from infancy through adolescence.
Self-control is a EQ skill that comes with experience, practice, and feedback.
It is not something that just magically appears one day. Controlling themselves requires emotional regulation, which is challenging even for adults.
In fact, the really tricky part is that emotional control is best nurtured by allowing full expression of emotions in a young, developing child—and this is something parents often find hard to do.
Related reading: "How to Raise Children with Emotional Intelligence."
We may be uncomfortable with emotions ourselves because of the way our parents responded to our emotions. Perhaps, we were shamed for getting angry or crying. Or told we were too emotional.
We may be embarrassed by a child’s public tantrum because of the social expectation that good parents don’t have children who act like that. But in fact, children test limits to feel safe.
To make sure we are on the same page, let me describe how I see self-control (or emotional regulation): Self-control is the ability to choose a productive response to a feeling or feelings from a multitude of possible behaviors.
A child or teen has learned self-control when they can feel any emotion, even a very strong emotion like anger, while taking care of themselves and also respecting others.
Self-control comes from the ability to regulate internal experiences (thoughts, perceptions, feelings, and the meanings that are formed from those experiences) in order to take effective action in varying situations.
Whenever parents are truly present to a child’s emotions and lovingly help them to determine what they need, the child learns to listen to their emotions as a guide to constructive action.
Related reading: "Why Empathy Is Essential to Learn and How to Be Empathetic."
As a child experiences different relationships and circumstances, it is a parent’s job to provide a safe space for the child to explore their experience. Once the muddied waters of emotion calm, a child will often take responsible and loving action for themselves and others.
To help children and teens express emotions appropriately is no small task.
Here are some ways to begin to teach healthy emotional expression while respecting the rights of others, which ultimately builds the foundation for impulse control and self-control.
Children will do what they see.
Modeling is without a doubt the most powerful teaching tool. Easier said than done, for sure. We as parents need to control and express our own emotions appropriately so we model correctly.
Sometimes children can’t hear what we are saying because our actions are so loud!
Related reading: "How to Build Healthy Emotional Development in children."
As parents, we can mirror back feelings at every developmental stage.
By reflecting a child's emotions, it accomplishes several things:
1) It help your child to feel heard and understood, which is a core need.
2) Mirroring emotions builds emotional literacy and self-awareness.
3) When a child feels heard, emotional intensity dissipates.
4) This parental response teaches empathy.
5) It feels SO much better as a parent, too!
All, pretty important, I'm sure you'll agree!
When we gently point out to children the impact of their emotional expression, they can begin to see their effect on others. If they are in control, the consequences of their behavior will be totally different than if they lose control.
This vital process helps a child recognize their impact in the world, which then assists in them making better decisions and considering the needs of others.
Just as essential as modeling and teaching children to control themselves is including them in everyday activities such as grocery shopping. Many parents I've coached go shopping without their children. Big mistake.
I get it! It's definitely easier.
No hassles. No distractions. It can even feel like a break from parenting.
However, if children are not exposed to many different situations, they miss out on opportunities to practice their skills. And it's a great time to give them a feeling of inclusion and value by helping you at the grocery store (or other places).
If a child's attention is on helping and their gratification comes from contributing, they are far less likely to demand candy or pout and have a tantrum.
Including them also builds skills, a sense of responsibility and nurtures your relationship with them. You can give them practice in many ways. For instance, in our grocery store scenario above, they could:
These kinds of engagement show a child they're a part of the activity, fostering a sense of belonging and connection instead of being an annoyance and misbehaving to get attention. The activities are entertaining for them but you're also productively directing their attention while building skills.
Try envisioning before you enter a store, the experience you want to have and what will encourage self-control, social skills, and confidence.
Related reading: "Stop! These 5 Things Will Destroy Responsibility in Children."
Teaching self-control requires tremendous focus, effort, and consistency by parents. However, in the process of teaching self-control to children, we often find that it is we who grow up.
To be able to stand calmly and deliberately regardless of what is thrown at us takes incredible strength of character. It helps to keep your values as a parent front and center!
It's worth the effort! There's a HUGE dividend when our children have learned self-control. You will enjoy more ease as a parent and they will build an immoveable inner peace and self-esteem that no one can steal from them.
Root into visionary parenting and stay in touch with your deepest values; keep the long-term goals you have for your children top of mind.
And if you really want to dig in, here's an awesome parenting online course.