Empathy for relationships?
Yes, I can confidently vouch for empathy—it transformed my marriage! And it may be THE most important quality of every long-lasting relationship.
Do you want to improve communication with your partner, deepen understanding, and sweeten your love? Here's how.
Estimated reading time: 5 minutes
Early in my marriage, rarely did my husband or I feel understood. Before introducing empathy into our relationship, he always tried to “fix” my problem (sound familiar?), which infuriated me! All I wanted was to feel heard. And I was so busy trying to feel heard in our conversations that I didn’t even realize I wasn’t listening!
My husband will be the first to tell you that learning to empathize with me was a major game changer—it made his life SO much easier! The relief he felt when he recognized he didn’t need to fix anything was astronomical. And the connection and harmony in our relationship went up, up, up, too!
Empathy creates understanding and a deeper connection.
I’m not talking about placating your partner’s requests or emotions. This mindset necessitates being curious to know and understand our partner:
Curiosity flings open doors.
We shift to a whole new level of insight and understanding.
Empathy mandates temporarily suspending our agenda and perspective so that we can listen genuinely. We bring PRESENCE to conversations and interactions, even what might seem inconsequential.
There are a multitude of ways that empathy can sweeten a relationship.
There are small and BIG ways empathizing disarms arguments and melts conflict into understanding.
Here are empathy’s most significant roles in creating healthy and happy relationships.
Empathy allows partners to truly understand each other's emotions, thoughts, and perspectives.
It takes practice, for sure!
When you practice (and master) empathy, you’re more likely to validate your partner’s feelings and what’s going on, showing you care about their experiences.
This “presence” creates an internal calm and peace only met by fulfilling the need to feel heard, seen, and understood, which are fundamental human needs.
Empathy is the Golden Gate Bridge of Communication.
NO ONE remains in battle mode when they feel completely heard and understood. Empathy disarms the defenses peacefully and catapults us to another level of the relationship.
It creates enormous safety for both partners to be more honest and authentic with their sharing. This open communication leads to more meaningful interactions and helps prevent misunderstandings, reducing arguments in the future.
When we genuinely listen to our partner’s words (and what’s underneath them) while mirroring and empathizing, the relationship dynamic significantly mellows. It is a relationship hack that works every time!
Rather than battling and competing for power in the relationship, we are equals in a beautiful give-and-take exchange, enriching each other and growing together.
In all relationships, conflicts are inevitable. Too many couples think their relationship is on the rocks because they fight or disagree.
How many of us were taught how to create win-win?
I grew up with brutal arguments lasting hours! Did I know how to work through differences when we were first married?
Nope!
We are unique humans with differing views, childhood upbringings, temperaments, personalities, desires, interests, goals, and values.
HOW can we relate and connect without understanding!?
Empathy helps partners approach disagreements with compassion. Considering both partners’ feelings and needs (really taking them seriously) makes it easier to build bridges and cross over to our partner’s perspective. Many times, we actually AGREE with each other if we can quiet our minds and listen with our hearts.
When I coach couples, and they finally listen without defensiveness, they are surprised at how often they’ve been on the same page all along.
Resolving issues in real time strengthens relationships and builds an impervious foundation that grows stronger every time we seek to understand.
The safe zone of empathy allows each person to feel more open and vulnerable, which increases emotional literacy and awareness. Building a better vocabulary for feeling words also facilitates a better understanding of each other’s emotional terrain.
Other benefits of empathy practiced in marriage or relationships are self-awareness and the deepening of emotional intimacy, often leading to a healthier overall connection and closeness.
Sharing ourselves in a safe space without fear of judgment opens and elevates us. The heightened emotional connection with ourselves and each other strengthens the couple’s bond and contributes to a much more fulfilling relationship.
Being empathetic demonstrates that you are attentive and attuned to your partner. This attentiveness builds trust over time. Empathetic acceptance becomes a warm, dependable, and comforting shelter. Feeling understood and accepted is BE-licious like a gourmet meal we savor, feeling entirely satisfied afterward.
You strengthen your love by empathizing in a relationship like you would fertilize a prize rose garden or polish a vintage car. Then, loving communication, a sense of being known, and an emotional connection grow exponentially.
I mentioned earlier that empathizing takes practice. And it does!
To do anything well or to integrate a skill takes time. I’ve heard one common complaint from most people who try to empathize.
The conventional behavioral model most of us were raised with (and culture continues to uphold) says that if someone “misbehaves,” they should be punished and made to feel bad. The goal is to create disapproval or displeasure to convince them to curtail that kind of behavior.
The bad news?
It doesn’t work—not with children and not with adults.
However, empathizing with our partner when they have just snapped at us opposes this philosophy, so it can feel like we’re condoning their behavior.
You’re responding to the person, not their behavior.
There is no more powerful way to transform a behavior than to be unconditionally loving toward our partner when they least feel worthy of that love. Is it possible that people need to experience love to be loving!
So, what are the common obstacles to learning and utilizing empathy in a relationship?
A lack of emotional regulation for big emotions can thwart the ability to empathize.
One or both partners often feel BIG emotions, like anger or disgust. It is imperative when triggered to self-calm and practice emotional regulation before trying to empathize. And when both partners are upset, taking a calming break is needed.
We show up best for our partner when calm, loving, and receptive. Check out my Stop, Drop, and Roll process for communicating when there is tenseness in a relationship.
Another challenge is when one or both partners lack boundaries.
It’s so easy to violate that sacred personal space of our partner. Our longing to be understood can make listening and remaining open-hearted difficult.
Our hurt wants to lash out. We are convinced that if our partner could only see our viewpoint, they'd understand.
Cooling off when one or both of you are upset is a must!
An often overlooked challenge is when one or both partners have high sensitivity in their temperament.
Some people are naturally more sensitive than others, and can have a harder time setting boundaries, or tend toward being a people-pleaser. Sometimes, a person is more reactive because they are overstimulated.
Temperament traits are inborn and need to be considered and honored in a relationship. Especially if the person values kindness, boundaries can seem forceful or cold-hearted.
Setting personal boundaries is the most loving thing you can do for yourself in a relationship, especially when you are sensitive. T
here are no healthy relationships without healthy boundaries.
Do you have past, unresolved grievances and pain?
Every person brings to marriage their past pain, whether that be childhood trauma or a painful previous divorce. These unresolved issues can be a big challenge to emotional intimacy gained through empathy.
What's the remedy?
We must take responsibility for healing whatever belongs to us.
If the emotional turbulence disrupts harmony in your relationship, emotional intelligence skills will help. Or, if the emotional wound happened in your current relationship, it needs to be worked through either as a couple or with a professional.
Letting go of hurt doesn’t mean we approve of or accept the behavior.
A loving and healthy relationship requires BOTH people to commit to growth. Letting go of our hurt is a way to heal and allow our partner to grow and change for the better.
However, “letting go” and pressing the reset button in a relationship also requires holding them accountable to change and be their best self.
Words without action are meaningless.
An authentic and empathetic apology may be helpful when behavior changes are needed. We can prevent future hurt by more loving interactions.
Related reading: "Emotional Intelligence in Relationship: Let the Magnet of Love Lead."
It’s nearly impossible to empathize when we are triggered and upset. Strong emotions ask us to practice, first and foremost, calming and regulating ourselves. When we get better at emotional regulation, it will immediately support better communication.
After mastering self-management, then practice shifting your perspective. Try on different ways of looking at a situation.
For instance, your partner promises to do an errand but doesn’t. Here are different possible perspectives or conclusions:
Negative conclusions that are frequently created from past pain and limiting beliefs:
Positive conclusions that support a healthy relationship:
Perspective-shifting builds mental flexibility and opens us to see how narrow our view is sometimes.
Let me give you a personal example.
Earlier in my marriage, my husband would commit to doing errands for me but then “forget” or not do them at all after repeatedly requests. Of course, I was frustrated and bewildered as to why he would commit if he wasn’t serious about fulfilling the request.
When we discussed this pattern, it turned out that he really DID want to fulfill my "asks" at the time, BUT he neglected to check in with himself before agreeing. His work schedule was often too demanding to accommodate extra errands and he was eager to get home after a full day.
So, I started asking in a way that helped him be successful and gave him ample time to check in with himself.
Do you want to master empathy? Try our workbook for real practice.
So what does it look like and sound like to empathize—or not?
Empathy is a skill I teach couples continually. Initially, most think that they are good at empathizing. However, they're actually using feeling stuffers, blocking communication, or making their partner wrong for how they feel and think.
Here are some real-life examples below that I've heard over the many years of coaching couples. Learn what's NOT empathizing and examples of true empathy.
| SITUATION 1: Your partner comes home late from work, looking stressed and exhausted. |
Common responses:
"You're always working late. Don't you care about spending time with me?"
"I can't believe you're late again! I'm so over you working all the time."
"In what universe is this okay? Your job is clearly more important than me and our relationship."
Empathetic responses:
"You look exhausted. Tough day? Do you want to talk about it, or would you prefer to unwind?"
"Wow! You're really late and must be worn out. Relax for a while and then we can talk."
"It must be disheartening to come home again after the kids are asleep; I know how much your family means to you."
| SITUATION 2: Your partner is struggling with a work-related problem and starts complaining as soon as they get home. |
Common responses:
"Just quit if you're so unhappy. I'm tired of hearing you complain."
"All you do is complain. Try sticking up for yourself with your manager."
"Maybe you should do something about it instead of dump on me all the time."
Empathetic responses:
"It sucks to be treated that way. I can only imagine how discouraging it feels."
"How exhausting! You are getting more and more down about this situation. What will you do?"
"I can't imagine how trapped you must feel. Let's brainstorm solutions together tomorrow when you're rested."
| SITUATION 3: Your partner forgets an important anniversary date or birthday. (Or pulled something together at the last minute.) |
Common responses:
“I can't believe you forgot! You obviously don't care about our relationship.”
"I thought you cared but I guess not. Everything is more important than me."
"I need to stop expecting anything from you; you just keep disappointing me."
Empathetic responses:
"I know work has been really hectic for you lately. I gotta admit, it hurts that you forgot. Yet, I understand. Let's reserve this weekend to celebrate together."
"Important dates are not nearly as important as you are to me. Let's figure out a way to prioritize our relationship more."
"You must feel horrible to have forgotten our anniversary; I almost did, too. Good thing you love me in so many ways throughout the year!"
Yep, these kind of empathetic responses take a lot of emotional maturity! They probably even sound unrealistic.
It's true, empathy requires adulting—and a ton of practice to pull off, especially in conflict or in maddening or disappointing moments. And really challenging when our partner has repeatedly let us down.
But the bottom line IS that your love and each other are the most important. We must remember that expressing your love and understanding WHEN it's hard IS the heartbeat of love.
For empathy to be successful in a relationship, you have to WANT your partner to BE successful and avoid collecting negative data to prove something to yourself.
The lesson here?
All the negative responses that you read above wouldn't happen if both partners felt cared for, understood, and loved. They needed empathy in each of those situations.
Empathy belongs first to ourselves, then to others!
It's not a quick fix or a band-aid.
Empathy is a way of life.
Deep dive: “The Three Kinds of Empathy: Emotional, Cognitive, and Compassionate.”