No one wants to be the target of another person’s anger. But almost everyone has been there. It’s an intense experience, whether the anger seems justified or not. Do you know how to diffuse an angry person? Do you know what words calm an angry person?
Estimated reading time: 5 minutes
Knowing how to deal with angry people in life and at work is a crucial aspect of emotional intelligence. These kinds of people skills build greater confidence in every relationship and situation!
What if you knew how to respond to another’s anger in an effective way? I suspect that your life would be a little calmer and more relaxed. And better yet, what if you could defuse someone’s anger altogether? It can be done—using empathy.
Anger is a very misunderstood emotion. More often than not, we stuff it, run from it, or try to shut it down quickly—whether it’s someone else’s anger or our own. In the process, we miss out on the vital information that anger can convey. And corking someone else’s wrath is like trying to stop a full-blown tornado or put out a forest fire with a squirt gun.
The key to navigating another person’s anger is listening and acting on it before it gets out of control. Sometimes, hosing down the fire with empathy helps alleviate a lot of painful interactions. And when that anger gets too fierce, knowing how to set boundaries to contain it is imperative.
It often piggybacks on multiple frustrations and annoyances. Many times, the angry person is feeling hurt, sometimes powerless—and often they feel like their values are being disrespected or their sense of well-being is threatened. If they feel misunderstood, judged, or made wrong for being angry, their emotions tend to escalate. An angry person is not acting from their logical brain.
Related reading and helpful infographic: "How Anger Affects the Brain and Body"
It can be helpful to translate an abstract concept into real life, so let’s take an example:
It’s Saturday, and the kids are outside playing. The husband is reading the news on his iPad. The wife nicely asks when he thinks he might fix the leaky faucet. He erupts into a rage, lobbing a tirade of accusations at his wife: she is always nagging, her expectations are too high, and she doesn’t appreciate how hard he works. The wife leaves the room hurt and confused. After all, she was just wondering.
Do you really think that the husband’s anger was about his wife’s question? Unlikely. Her question just lit the fuse of the dynamite that was already stashed within him.
In this scenario, the man’s anger had likely been building all week long. He spilled coffee on his shirt dashing out of the house Monday morning, which made him late for work. His boss kept him working late three times this week, and one of those nights he missed his son’s basketball game. Two people at work were on vacation, and although he was already overloaded, their tasks were delegated to him. And after working hard all week, a dozen tasks are waiting for him at home, competing with his legitimate need to relax. All before his wife asked about the faucet, and he blew up.
Related reading: "Why Do People Take Out Their Anger on Others—and What to Do About It!
Let’s look at the build-up of the man’s emotions:
Spilled coffee – annoyance
Working late – added stress, time away from family, pressure, and a sense of powerlessness from multiple last-minute changes in his schedule
Missing his son’s game – disappointment and a sense of helplessness
Added workload – feelings of being overwhelmed, perhaps being undervalued
Inner conflict – need for rest colliding with family responsibilities
So, much of what the husband was spewing was not at all about his wife. It was his frustration toward his boss and the week’s pressures that he was taking out on her.
When we understand the why of emotion, it can help us cultivate compassion. However, to someone on the receiving end of anger, an outburst can seem dramatically disproportionate to the current event. The hook of every interaction and where we get stuck is that we personalize the person’s behavior!
The first step in any emotional tango, especially with anger, is to depersonalize the other person’s words and actions. They rarely have anything to do with us as illustrated by the example above.
Another vital action is to acknowledge the emotion and help the person feel understood. (This is true for your anger, too). Studies show that when an emotion is recognized and identified, it begins to soften and dissipate.
For example, using the scenario above, the wife could say to her husband: “Wow, you must be feeling a ton of pressure to erupt like that over a leaky faucet! Are you worried about money?”
However, it’s common for us to get defensive or react to someone else’s intense emotions. Frequently, we don’t even want to deal with another person's feelings. And even if we desire to be there for the angry person, often we don’t know how to respond.
It can be especially difficult when a person is feeling unsafe when volatile emotions erupt. Or we’re too hurt and filled with our own emotions to keep our composure.
Therefore, checking in with yourself is essential, too. It’s vital that you know what you’re feeling and whether you can navigate someone else’s strong emotions at that moment. To respond lovingly and firmly to someone who has just used you for target practice requires self-awareness and equanimity. Self-restraint doesn't just happen; It takes practice. And replacing judgment with curiosity is critical and not always easy in the heat of the moment.
Whether at work, at home, or interacting socially, when you’re facing anger from another person, you can use a few quick check-ins to get some insight about what to do next.
Related reading: "The Three Kinds of Empathy: Cognitive, Emotional, Compassionate."
Ask yourself:
Of course, it’s not your job to take on another person’s anger, to be a target of their angst, or to solve their problems.
However, if you decide to be present to their anger, below are some possible responses. When it’s necessary to set a boundary for the strong emotions of someone else, these responses help them feel heard while also letting them know you care. Yet there’s still room for you to take care of yourself.
To be clear, I’m assuming that you have a relationship with this person—for example, that this person is your friend, mother-in-law, spouse, child, co-worker, manager, sibling, etc. These responses would not fit for someone you hardly know, like a stranger on a bus, or in a situation when it’s inappropriate to be spilling emotions (e.g., your ex-spouse indulging in a rant when you run into them unexpectedly).
And these are just examples. Only use these responses if they‘re true for you. The goal is to find a response that matches your natural style and personality. As you go through the sample responses below, think about what would be authentic for you to say.
The more authentic and sincere your response is, the more effective calming anger will be.
Notice that all of the above responses have something in common: They all depend on what’s going on for YOU!
To learn to set more effective boundaries in different relationships, try our Healthy Boundaries, Happy Life 2-week online course.
Your responses will depend on the person and your relationship with them. Find a way to communicate that is genuine for you. Practice ways that fit your personality without giving yourself up in the process of trying to be present to someone else’s pain.
Each situation is somewhat unique, depending on what you’re feeling, how much time you have available, how calm you are, whether you’re in a hurry, and whether you even want to be a part of this person’s emotional experience.
Your response will also depend on the quality of your relationship, its history, and whether this type of emotional encounter is rare or a chronic pattern. You can write your own script that matches your truth and also is respectful to the other person.
Sometimes, it’s necessary to throw a life preserver to someone in need. However, being a daily bucket for another person’s frustration, anger, or rage and a target of blame degrades the fabric of a relationship and can result in losing yourself.
If you’ve determined that it’s not the right time to field a fastball from an upset person, let them know what you feel and where you’re at in the relationship. There are many reasons you need to set a boundary. The other person’s behavior may be disrespectful or hurtful to you. You may need to take care of yourself—perhaps you need to calm yourself before any further interaction.
When we are prepared, we’re more likely to successfully draw boundaries that will be respected. When we hold others accountable to be their best self, our relationships grow and thrive.
Our responses train the other person in how to act and treat us. What are you tolerating that you need to set a healthier boundary for?
Be true to yourself first. From that solid place, communicate authentically. Then, relationships create healthy connections and build a strong foundation for everyone to thrive.
Hopefully, you’re beginning to understand how important it is to pay attention to yourself in order to be successful with others.
Now, let's dive into handling another person's anger.
Imagine if someone said any of these comments to you when you were upset. Would you appreciate it? Would they make you feel understood? Probably not. These responses will typically enrage the other person more. These kinds of reactions are like throwing gasoline on a fire. Emotions will usually escalate. The goal is to calm the other person by helping them feel heard.
Now that you know what not to say, let's look at some effective responses, particularly using empathy.
Empathy is vital, but it can only be authentic when you stay open, connected, and responsive to the other person’s viewpoint and experience. Compassion and empathy help them calm down and get back to their heart. The more accurately you reflect the tone and intensity of their emotion, the more the other person will feel understood. To weave an effective response, you must listen with both your head and your heart. Using words that accurately describe feelings can help communicate that you understand.
[Choose a word from the list below that accurately describes the person's strong emotions when responding.]
Notice that the levels of intensity in this list range from a slight frustration all the way to rage. Typically, the more precisely you identify and reflect someone else’s emotions, the faster they slow their breathing, release their intensity, and calm down. When someone feels heard, they relax. When they think we “get” them, they know they’re not alone, and this experience offers enormous support and provides a container for them to regain their poise. It’s like an embrace from the inside out.
Related articles: “What Is Empathy and Why Is It Important?” and "How to Talk to Someone with Empathy—and What to Avoid!"
For a step-by-step process, check out our workbook: "Real Empathy, Real Solutions.
To learn more about how to overcome anger issues before they disrupt your life and relationships or to discover more about emotional fitness skills, email support@heartmanity.com.