Here’s the thing: either you parent your children intentionally and teach them HOW to think, or society will raise them for you!
Life is full of decisions and requires constant choices. With every choice comes different consequences and results. As parents, it’s critical to give children plenty of critical thinking practice!
Estimated reading time: 4 minutes
First and foremost, we must help our children to learn that by their choices, they are also choosing the consequences.
When they say yes to one thing, e.g., pushing a friend or being kind; studying or not studying; saying no to peer pressure or taking drugs, they are saying “no” to dozens of other choices and outcomes.
The sooner children learn the crucial lesson that their choices influence outcomes, the more motivated they are to make more sensible choices.
Each choice—for better or worse—seals the deal with their decision. Of course, it's pretty easy to overpower a toddler or preschooler, but the older our children get, the harder it becomes.
In teenage years, their choices are high-value and can be life-threatening, such as reckless driving. However, if we haven't given our child many, many opportunities to exercise free will, problem-solving, and decision-making, it is much more difficult for them to advocate for themselves.
And MUCH more arduous for us to "control" them as they get older.
If a child has been told what to do, how to do it, and how fast to do it with the focus on obedience over learning, have they learned to:
The answer is no.
The key is to teach children HOW to think, NOT what to think.
When we overpower a child and force them to do what we say instead of seeking to understand how they arrived at their decisions, we limit their practice of decision-making.
When we punish them instead of helping them learn better ways of approaching difficult choices, we often handicap them.
As parents, how do we go about teaching children and teens critical thinking skills?
It’s true; in our hectic lives as parents, it is often more efficient and easier to make decisions for young children and move them around their daily lives like pawns on a chessboard—with no ifs, ands, or buts.
However, when we do, we cheat them out of the building blocks of foundational skill-building, SO MUCH more critical when they’re older!
Suppose children haven’t had practice making decisions for themselves prior to middle school, we’ve lost hundreds of opportunities for them to practice and build crucial EQ subskills, such as self-reflection, self-awareness, delayed gratification, self-control and management, emotional regulation, creativity, and sequential thinking.
Before age four, it is best to keep choices simple with just a few options (two or three choices on their age and skill level) to ensure success. Then, you build on that skill at each older developmental stage.
For instance, asking toddlers whether they want to wear their red or blue shorts to a picnic flexes the decision-making muscle. It only takes a minute longer, but gives them practice and power appropriately.
When they are five, we might encourage them to consider other things like the weather or the activities they’ll be participating in.
In elementary, middle school, and high school, they'll make choices within our parental guidelines and values.
With each new age, we build on what we taught, modeled and reinforced before.
Why is it vital to be empathetic and intentional in our responses to children?
Each parental response is communicating values, supporting the relationship, downloading belief systems, teaching thinking skills, and helping children learn how to honor themselves while respecting and being considerate to others.
These intentional parental responses are imperative for two reasons: First, mirroring emotions helps children understand what they’re feeling and label it. This accurate mirror that we create supports brain and emotional development.
We cannot expect children under 5 years old to understand what their maturing brains are incapable of understanding.
For instance, a big mistake many parents make is asking toddlers questions like “Why did you bite your friend?”
A very young child usually has no clue why they just bit a friend since very little of the prefrontal cortex—the logical mind—is developed. If they could respond rationally, they might say something like:
“My mouth is full of immense tension due to teeth relentlessly pushing through my gums, causing me tremendous discomfort and interrupting my sleep with jabs of pain, which has made me more tired and cranky than usual.
“However, even before teething, it was impossible for me to act kindly in this situation because my amygdala was inflamed with stress and I do not have the brain circuitry or skills to ask for what I want because my brain is just now beginning to connect the neural pathways for language. And I miss my mommy!”
Instead, acknowledge their feelings. When we validate emotions, they are diffused and it helps the child feel understood. This caring presence gives immense comfort and promotes a sense of safety.
Around the age of four, when children have enough language skills and comprehension to be able to answer questions, it is essential to begin to teach them thinking skills.
When a child is led through this process regularly, they begin to make the correlation between their feelings, their actions, and the results. They learn self-control, take ownership for the consequences created by their actions, and thus, make much better decisions.
A bonus is feeling like they have impact and power to influence their daily lives and outcomes.
Power lies in knowing we can influence our experiences and results through effort with conscious choices and responses.
Three different opportunities are ideal to help children learn to make connections between feelings, actions, and results.
For children 0−4 years:
Describe how the child looks, acts, and sounds. This mirroring helps an infant, toddler, or very young child to learn to identify feelings.
The more we mirror for children what they feel before they have the verbal skills to do it themselves, the quicker they will develop the ability to express themselves appropriately once they talk.
For children 5 years and up:
Remember to pause between questions and give a child time to think and answer! Depending on the age, you may opt only to ask a couple of the questions below. For older children and teens, it becomes a more elaborate discussion.
With this approach, notice that we just downloaded several ways to handle a similar situation in the future that are much more effective than hitting.
Each time this process is used, children think of different ideas and expand their database for appropriate solutions to varying situations.
We have also helped the child get in touch with what they really want instead of just the frustration or anger they may be feeling. This repetition translates to greater resilience and regulation in the future.
We are teaching them a step-by-step thinking process that they will eventually internalize and do for themselves. Practiced repeatedly, this skill will become automatic.
And a child can't practice without opportunity! Parents, use every chance to give your children emotional intelligence skills.
Describe how the child looks, acts, and sounds. Then, ask the child:
First, have them take a cooling off period to recenter. If they're upset, it's unlikely they'll relate to your questions. Once they are calm, possible questions to ask are:
By inquiring in this manner, children start asking their own questions to arrive at better solutions and decisions. When my children were young and I responded similarly, they came up with more creative actions than I did!
As with most skills, there are tips you learn along the way. The more a parent applies these strategies, the better they and their children get returning to calm reflection and inquiry.
When attempting to connect the dots for a child cognitively, it's important that if you are upset to calm yourself. It’s vital you come from your heart while walking a child through this process.
If the child needs to calm, give the child ten or fifteen minutes to calm. Do not wait too long for revisiting situations and interactions with them. Children live in the now and do not store memories as efficiently as adults, especially younger children. Waiting until the following day to address the situation, the child might be unable to relate as productively to your questions.
It is not intended for you to ask every sample question above every time. You may choose to ask only two or three depending on the verbal skills of each child and how the child responds.
The younger the child, the fewer the words and questions. Our goal is to set up circumstances to encourage success for children.
If you ask the child what one thing they could do differently, and they give you an answer that isn’t acceptable, ask: “Is that a good idea?” If they say “no,” ask them to think of something else. If they say “yes,” then follow through with tracing where the action might take them and the possible consequences that might result.
When first beginning to help a child with their thinking skills, start small. It’s better to take micro-steps that allow the child to be successful without overwhelming them.
Parent Alert: As you initiate this new way of interacting, the child might say, “I donna know.”
This inability to give a specific answer can be for several reasons:
Respond lovingly and patiently saying, “If you did know, what might you do?” or "Think about it and I'll circle back." (If you choose the latter, be sure and check back in with them!)
By using the above process to teach children how to think rather than what to think, you empower them for a lifetime. You don't just get the desired behavior you want for the moment, but you're teaching them an essential life skill.
Remember, parenting is not efficient—every day is an opportunity for building a relationship and providing teaching moments. Conscious and intentional parenting takes time and patience, AND the payoffs later are worth every second!
Recommended reading: Children: The Challenge and Redirecting Children's Behavior books.
Excellent books to teach kids to think through their decisions and actions is Raising Self-Reliant Children in a Self-Indulgent World by Stephen Glenn and Raising a Thinking Preteen by Myrna B. Shure, Ph.D.
CREDIT: The principles in this blog are taught in the Redirecting Children's Behavior course by Kathryn Kvols that was strongly influenced by the work of Rudolf Dreikurs, MD, author of the highly acclaimed book, Children: The Challenge.
If you're interested in attention a parenting class or would like personalized parenting support, reach out to Heartmanity.
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