Beliefs form our realities. Limiting and false beliefs restrict our relationships and limit our happiness, relationships, career success, and financial prosperity. Beliefs are formed in our developmental years, and as adults, they define and color our reality and determine our quality of life for better or for worse. There's a lot of talk on this topic people are talking about this topic. However, a trend I've seen lately in the coaching industry and self-help movement is getting under my skin a little.
Estimated reading time: 5 minutes
There's a simplistic view that we can just eliminate our negative beliefs and/or replace them with positive ones. But the fact that we even want to amputate or replace the beliefs that we deem "negative" is in some ways a denial of our humanity and the journey we each walk in our development and maturation.
To gain self-awareness we must also have self-acceptance and compassion. To judge ourselves for strategies we formed as children when our safety was jeopardized and options were limited is unkind. Beliefs are the framework for our lives.
As Bill Harris, president and director of Centerpointe Research Institute, says so well:
Human beings are caught in several double binds (damned if you do/damned if you don't conditions). One regards beliefs. Beliefs are the result of making an internal map of reality, which we need to survive.
You would have no way to navigate yourself around without that map (unless you want to live on instinct, like a cat, or be with the most minor ability to respond to your environment, such as the way an earthworm can go toward or away from light, but not much more). On the other hand, beliefs are always false in the strictest sense of the word—they approximate truth at best.
A common belief goes something like this: "All you need to do is change your beliefs!" Wow! If it were only that simple!
Changing limiting beliefs no matter how much we recognize the change is good, the process is often scary and at the very least disruptive.
Our entire lives have been built on that inner map of reality.
If you want to change a belief, you can change a belief. But our whole map of reality is a complex structure of myriad beliefs. It is merciless (and ineffective) to strip ourselves of the old beliefs without understanding what needs we were trying to meet in the first place. Otherwise, chaos often ensues and the person quickly returns to the old patterns.
It's like pick-up sticks: if you move one stick (or belief) too quickly or carelessly, they all move.
Limiting beliefs that have kept us safe and sane are not to be treated casually as I have seen with some people's recommendations. We need beliefs—whether negative or positive—to navigate the complexity of life, love, and relationships.
Being human means that no belief is bad or negative because beliefs are formed to keep us safe.
Survival is king (and queen).
When our behavior seems bad or unloving, we are responding or reacting from past beliefs formed. We were simply unable to respond to life's challenges more lovingly or productively. Maybe we just didn't know a better way.
Our old beliefs give us a road map back to what really matters to us if we listen to their wisdom.
They hold so many keys and gems of our true essence and selfhood, which can give us a roadmap to greater understanding and emotional fitness! If we only replace them or get rid of them because they are "bad," "limiting" or "negative," we end up with just another view of the world with different filters in place. This approach slows down our growth considerably.
We are human, with limitations and a high need for safety. Simultaneously, we are connected spiritually to a power that is limitless and continually seeking to transcend past limitations.
It is far more effective to develop the habit of mindfulness and compassion toward ourselves than to seek to change beliefs.
In this gentle preparation of our minds and emotions, beliefs organically give way to a natural propelling toward greatness, like a plant rising to the sun.
Related reading: "5 Simple Keys to a Happier, Vibrant Life"
Inner peace and authentic transformation that truly lasts come not so much from changing beliefs but from a daily and consistent practice of living forward and forming conscious and healthy habits.
As you reach new levels of self-awareness and emotional intelligence, you can repeat these steps and transcend more limitations.
As this practice of gently observing ourselves and meeting our needs becomes more natural, we feel more secure and safer with fewer reactions and a bigger and wider openness to life.
So instead of arbitrarily changing beliefs that you may not like, allow your inner truth to guide you.
Instead of seeking to become something else that is still imperfect, beat the double bind of beliefs by enjoying and relaxing into the journey of growth.
Compassionate awareness precedes real change. Loving acceptance opens the door to transformation, and responsibility seals and makes the change permanent.
To learn more about self-awareness and emotional intelligence, check out Heartmanity's learning tools.