Listening seems like it ought to be an easy thing to do.
Why do well-meaning attempts to listen to our partners so often go off the rails and mess up communication?
Part of the problem is that we don’t have a guiding framework for listening well. We figure it’s a pretty straightforward human function, and we can just wing it. That doesn’t always work.
Let’s lay out a better framework right now so you can be successful as a couple.
Estimated reading time: 4 minutes
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One thing we often get wrong when trying to listen to our partners is treating conversations like a debate where we’re both trying to get our points across at the same time. This positioning can feel like a ping-pong match pretty quickly (especially when it’s a hot-button issue).
To avoid this tug-of-war, be clear about who is sharing and who is listening. Use a talking stick if you need to! One of you should be talking about your experience, perspective, and feelings, and the other one should be listening with the intent to understand the speaker—not with the intent to rebut them.
There are only four things that the listener can do to be effective.
Only four!
Fortunately, they are easy to remember with the handy acronym LOVE. Here they are:
That’s it!
Anything else may point you towards an argument or a shutdown (or both).
Let’s take these ingredients of effectively listening one by one.
Listening is pretty simple, really; it means to pay attention. It means that you put down your phone and look at your partner while they are speaking. You try to hear and understand what they are saying. In attentive listening, you’re not planning how to counter their points while they talk, or considering how much worse your complaints are.
Repeat back what you heard your partner say, but not word-for-word; that often comes across as patronizing and can be irritating (try it and you’ll see what I mean).
Instead, take in what your partner is saying, then express it in your own words, from your own understanding. This reflection is important because it’s too easy to repeat verbatim what you heard without thinking about it in the least. When you reflect in your own words, you convey that you are truly listening.
It’s also essential because no matter how confident you are, it’s always possible you didn’t quite understand what your partner was trying to say. Reflecting in your own words confirms for you that you heard accurately.
Even if you feel like you’re dead sure that you get what they’re saying (after all, you’ve heard the same complaints a hundred times, right?), it’s critical to reflect in your own words because that tells your partner that you understood them. That small step is essential to make them feel heard.
Related reading: "Mirror, Mirror on the Wall: Emotional Mirroring for Others."
Once you understand the issue, validate your partner’s perspective. Let them know their feelings make sense. It is valid for them to feel that way. (If you don’t understand how they’re making sense, you have more listening to do.)
It’s critical to recognize that validating doesn’t mean agreeing. For instance, you may not agree that you did something wrong; you just have to accept that your partner feels hurt or angry. You don’t have to agree that you fail to appreciate your partner; you just have to accept that they feel unappreciated.
Your partner’s feelings don’t dictate reality (and neither do yours); it’s just how they feel. Feelings don’t go away by explaining to your partner why the feelings shouldn’t be there. (This minimizing is why explaining is not among the four things the listener can do—it’s actually a feeling stuffer.)
Feelings disperse—over time, not instantly—when they are heard and validated. If you first allow your partner to have their feelings, they will be able to listen to yours afterwards. If you try to argue them out of their feelings, they’ll hold onto them even stronger.
The last step is to let your partner know that you care. If they feel hurt, angry, disappointed, or unappreciated, to care means their feelings matter to you. It doesn’t mean you are responsible for their feelings; it just means that if your partner hurts, you feel their hurt, too. It means you care about them, regardless of who is right.
That’s what a healthy relationship looks like.
It looks like two people who really care about each other, who want to be there for each other, and who feel connected—even when they don’t agree on something.
Recommended reading: “Why Empathy Is Important for Healthy and Happy Relationships.”
This practice involves consciously engaging with our surroundings and partners in new ways, allowing us to rediscover the nuances and details that initially drew us to them; those things that kept us spellbound in the honeymoon phase.
Whether it's taking a different route on a daily walk, rearranging a room, or trying a new activity together, defamiliarization invites us to experience life with renewed curiosity and appreciation, ultimately reigniting the spark that may have dimmed over time.
No relationship is without its problems.
A good relationship isn’t one that has fewer disagreements; it’s one in which they maintain connection despite the disagreements.
That’s something everyone can build. And that lasting connection starts with really great listening.
Looking for more actionable tips on communicating better in your relationship?
Check out “The Couples Communication Handbook: the Skills You Never Learned for the Marriage You Always Wanted."
Or grab the first two chapters for free at www.thecommunicationbook.com!
If you'd like customized couples' support or to learn how to be have an emotionally intelligent relationship, contact us at Heartmanity!