Whether you’ve been with your partner for six months or married for ten years, poor boundaries create dependency and unhappy couples. If you want to develop a healthy and happy relationship, you must each have healthy personal boundaries.
Often, we consider boundaries to be something that pushes people away, or we’re afraid that the other person will react negatively or feel hurt. However, healthy boundaries in relationships are a prerequisite to happiness. They define us and what is essential in our lives. Without them, there is too much room for drama. Boundaries help to create a drama-free relationship.
Science shows us that earthquakes are caused by a sudden slip of faults when pressure exceeds the force of friction. Relational conflict, unresolved emotions, and simmering resentment in relationships create this same unpredictable and dangerous pressure. When your conflicts aren’t transformed into greater understanding, not only does pressure build, but the disharmony also deteriorates your love connection.
Vouchsafe your love with healthy boundaries.
It’s true, creating healthy boundaries in relationships can be one of the most challenging skills to acquire. However, without them, individuals often struggle to feel respected and honored in a relationship. And more often than not, disagreements turn into fights, creating faults that blow up the unity possible through understanding.
Each person is unique, and boundaries separate us from each other distinctly. A boundary is a container for our sense of self. It holds our view of ourselves and the world. Our personal boundaries define our identity—without boundaries, there would be no individuality.
Let’s say a crystal glass represents a healthy container for our sense of self. It is solid yet transparent; there is little to no distortion of the world. This container is beautiful with a purpose that is inviting and useful. The glass is strong and holds water without leakage. If we compare this glass to a person’s boundaries, they have a strong sense of self. Their container of self holds their emotions, regulating them resourcefully.
A person with healthy boundaries safeguards their values, principles, and preferences. This person knows their limits yet takes reasonable risks. Effective boundary-setters understand what they want in life and set goals to accomplish them with consistency. There is confidence; life unfolds with ease. And though challenges come and go, this person knows when to say “no” in order to care for themselves. They also know when to say “yes”—when they have extra energy and time to give lovingly and freely.
Now imagine a second container like an ordinary kitchen strainer with lots of holes, perhaps a little worn. This second container represents a person with unhealthy or poorly defined boundaries—their energy leaks from all sides. Urgent needs (not necessarily the most important) grab their attention. Needy or greedy people drain them because they are often magnanimous givers without limits. When we lack personal boundaries, we are at the mercy of the world and exhausted daily.
Healthy Boundaries Consider Others Without Giving Up Self
People without boundaries are often people pleasers. They frequently fulfill everyone else’s needs but their own, so they experience a growing dissatisfaction inside. Their basic needs compete with everyone around them because they don’t know how to take care of themselves or set boundaries. Fulfillment and peace elude people who lack boundaries, while irritation and resentment are their regular companions.
Related reading: “The Difference Between Boundaries and Barriers.”
Relationship boundaries are the rules of engagement within a relationship. Our personal boundaries interact with our partner’s; this interaction between two people creates an outcome—for better or worse. In every relationship, though we may not see our connections, we are tied to each other in either unhealthy or healthy ways.
When personal boundaries are well-defined, they show where one person ends and another begins. Healthy boundaries help us to know what we are comfortable or uncomfortable with within our lives. They guide us to understand how we want to be treated in a relationship. Without this differentiation, enmeshment and codependency (or dysfunctional helping) develop, causing many problems because the borders of individuality are blurred.
If a person hasn’t developed healthy boundaries, they will be pulled and tugged in many directions and feel off balance. Many times, people without healthy boundaries feel used, even though it’s their responsibility to set limits and let others know where the line of respect resides.
One day while driving down a gravel road, another driver waved me down. I remember thinking to myself with irritation and disdain, “What do they want?” It was as if every person was a taker, wanting something from me. The driver did want something: he pointed out that I was about to lose my muffler! How could I distort this act of kindness?
I realized that the quality of my life wasn’t going to improve unless I did something different. It was up to me. Yet, I felt unnerved because I had built a life based on sacrifice, and my boundaries were as defenseless as Cheetos devoured by a hungry teenager.
If this describes you, begin with small steps toward choosing you and your happiness. If you'd like, refer to our step-by-step formula for setting better boundaries in Heartmanity’s blog: “Create a Healthy and Happy Life with Effective Boundaries.”
Healthy boundaries in relationships pave the way for long-lasting love. You will be amazed at how quickly healthy boundaries enhance the quality of your relationship. The many benefits are too numerous to list, but here are a few that I have noticed in my marriage and my clients’ relationships:
Boundaries really get a bad rap. For pleasers, healthy boundaries feel unattainable, difficult, and scary. For the altruistic, healthy boundaries may seem selfish. And for the pollyannaish, setting boundaries appear to be big, heavy conversations that can result in hurt feelings and unhappy endings.
There are many uses for boundaries. Putting dirty socks in the hamper so your dog doesn’t chew them is a boundary. Asking your child to use their inside voice is a boundary. Speed limits and driving laws are boundaries (or rules) for our safety.
In a romantic relationship, a limit can be as simple as asking your partner to:
When we realize just how foundational boundaries are to life and living, it becomes easier to commit to them and care for ourselves.
Related reading: “Using Boundaries and Empathy to Deal with People’s Anger Effectively.”
Many times, simple adjustments in the way we interact or respond make the biggest difference. Below are three keys for setting yourself up for success when creating a boundary in your relationship.
KEY #1: Lead with an opening that helps your partner feel loved and heard.
Examples of openings that create safety and respect:
KEY #2: Set your boundary respectfully and lovingly.
Examples of healthy boundaries:
KEY #3: Whatever you want from your partner, give it!
Examples of turning complaints into action that get results:
Being honest takes courage. Setting boundaries requires honesty and courage. Lean into the discomfort of the unknown by opening to your partner’s perspective while also setting boundaries to take care of yourself.
Create healthy boundaries and you’ll create a healthy and happy relationship!
For a deep dive into setting boundaries, try our Boundaries Mini-Course. And if you’d like customized support in your relationship, check out our relationship resources.